Love Will Lead Us
by LyricalKris
Summary: They had one perfect day together before they thought they lost each other forever. What happens when the love of her life reappears at exactly the wrong time? When you don't have a choice in who you love, how do you know what to do? E/B, Jas/B
1. Prologue: Split Down The Middle

**Prologue: Split Down The Middle**

**Disclaimer: These beautiful creations are the property of Stephenie Meyer. I'm just playing with them for a bit.**

_**"These are the days that are split down the middle**_

_**No words to calm me down  
Be sure that what you dream of  
Won't come to hunt you out  
Where is my head  
Where are my bones  
Why are my days so far from home?"**_

_**- Head Full of Ghosts, Bush**_

How did we get here?

For the life of me I couldn't reason out what happened or what I wanted or even what I should want.

Just a few scant weeks ago my life had finally made sense again. I was impressively happy. I had an incredible boyfriend who adored me and amazed me. I had friends who I didn't have to lie to. I had a job that made me happy and a stable future.

Then it had all fallen spectacularly to pieces.

Because the love of my life, the man I thought I had lost forever, had appeared out of no where.

People always said that hindsight was 20/20, but in this case I was just as blind now as I had ever been. There was no defining moment when I could have taken the right path and avoided the situation I now found myself in; avoided the pain I'd already caused one good man and the inevitable torment I would cause another.

The love of my life - he was a dream. He was fleeting moments of perfect memories. Sunshine, laughter and this profound feeling that the world that I'd woken up to was not the same one in which I existed now. When I met him, he'd painted my world vivid colors that I'd had no names for – intense in their beauty.

If I could re-write history I could give him my heart without hesitation – give him all of me free and clear the moment I literally stumbled across him. Even less dramatically, all it would have taken to change my entire life was my own name. If I had just said my name, not held back, none of this would have happened.

But there was the rub. I loved my life - the person I'd become and the people I had met. I owed all of it to that one day. It was too much to trade - too many people I would not have come to know that I would lose.

It was bittersweet irony that, if not for the one day I spent with the love of my life, I would not have met the man I had ultimately given my heart to.

How would I knowingly give up my sweet boyfriend? He was charming, beautiful, intelligent, talented and mine. I felt peace when he wrapped me in his arms. I saw the future in his eyes – experiences, hard times and good times, and children with a combination of our features - all of it with him at my side.

It was impossible to want wish that all away.

I was too selfish. I wanted them both in my life. Even if I could have, I wouldn't have gone back to the point I should have.

Because what I should have wished for was that I hadn't met either of them – hadn't put us all in this position.

I comforted myself in the fact that it was impossible. Fate was a harpy bitch and I would have been faced with this situation eventually anyway.

Here we were. The two most important men in my life faced each other with rage in their eyes and clenched fists. They were seconds away from complete chaos. One of them was oblivious – unaware of exactly what was at stake and that he was about to have an F5 tornado literally dropped on his head. The other had been tortured steadily, like me, over the last few weeks as we tried to reconcile fantasy with reality.

This was ripping us all apart. They shouldn't be enemies. They weren't enemies. If any one was to be held responsible for their anger it should have been me. I was the reason that these two men were ready to tear into each other. I wasn't worth it. My God, I knew that, but I couldn't figure out what I wanted to happen or even what the right thing to do was.

I was caught between my peace and my lost half – between two men who were too good for me and two futures that were vibrant in two completely different ways. I had no idea what to want, or if I'd even get a choice. Once this was done I would most likely end up with neither.

I honestly deserved nothing less than the devastation of losing them both.

Because it seemed like the only thing I could do, I stepped between them, forcing them away from each other physically. When this storm broke it was going to destroy us all and the least I owed them was to try to keep their bodies in tact.

**A/N: You want to know who the players are? The banner is in my profile. Tell me what you think.**

**I am so excited for this fic I can't even take it.**

**Dedicated to JadedAndBoring, CellaCullen, Dizzygrl28 and Tellingmelies, all of whom you should be reading if you're not. You will find them linked under my favorite authors. They each inspired separate parts of this plot.**

**So...early speculation? Comments? Thoughts? I want them. Please? Don't make me beg. **


	2. We Are Lost Til We Are Found

**Chapter 1: We Are Lost 'Til We Are Found**

**Disclaimer: These beautiful creations are the property of Stephenie Meyer. I'm just playing with them for a bit.**

_**"Life is like a shooting star**_  
_**it don't matter who you are**_  
_**if you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time**_  
_**we are lost 'til we are found,"**_

_**-Dolphins Cry, Live**_

**5 Years Before the Prologue**

**EPOV**

**5:36 A.M.**

What the hell was I doing in California?

If you wanted to be poetic about it, I suppose you could say I followed the music here. I needed somewhere to be that wasn't where I was, and California Dreamin' came on my iPod. At the time, it felt like a sign. The Mamas and the Papas were melancholy about it, and Dr. Dre and the late Tupac Shakur assured me California knew how to party, so why not?

There I was, in Long Beach, California wishing for some magical revelation about the rest of my life to fall into my lap. I was on a grassy hill waiting for the sun to rise enough in the sky that it would cast golden rays on the ocean waves. It was gorgeous; breathtaking even. But, as it turned out, spiritual journeys very rarely lead to enlightenment. If you wanted the truth about it, spiritual journeys were about the same as real life, except with strangers and unfamiliar territory. Most days were passable - neither good nor bad. You had a good meal, a good conversation, and felt alright about life. Some days were bad. The day my Volvo ran over some kind of road shrapnel on the highway and scattered bits of plastic tire across the road? That was a bad day. Some days were good - and you'd see something spectacular.

But the thing is...I had seen good days, bad days and spectacular things at home.

No one ever tells you that the spectacular things rarely give your life a direction to follow.

California did indeed know how to party, and the Mamas and the Papas were not remiss in dreaming about the warmth even in the winter. It was late February. The locals were bundled up, but my home was far colder and I was enjoying the slight chill on my bare forearms. Still, I was as out of place here as I had ever been.

The fiery arc of the sun finally reflected across the water.

I was so distracted in my brooding that the voices and footfalls of the other people sharing the sunrise with me had fallen completely into the background. Imagine my surprise when I heard a gasp, a distinctly feminine, if a little startled, "Fuck!" and then something hurtled itself into my arms.

Brown hair. It was everywhere - tickling the naked skin of my arms as my hands instinctively steadied the creature. I was caught between the tactile - silky hair, warm waist and hot, startled breaths on my neck - and the olfactory - floral mixed with the salt and water mist of the ocean.

Then it raised its head.

It was a girl, of course. I caught a glimpse of cream and roses skin and full, pink lips before my eyes reached hers and there was nothing else. I didn't hear waves crashing onto the shore, or the people starting their days. I didn't feel her silky hair anymore, or smell her intoxicating scent. All of my senses were cut off except for sight.

Her eyes were deeper than the forgotten sea and reflected specks of the rising sunlight. The space between her eyes and mine was charged, flaring wildly like it was giving off arcs of energy like a Tesla coil.

I might have been electrocuted except that she suddenly skittered backward on her hands and knees muttering an apology. "I was trying to fly," she mumbled absently.

"What?" I blinked at her, completely startled.

Her fair skin turned much more roses than cream. "Nothing," she said, shoving off her hands and sitting up straight.

By then I had reprocessed her words and I felt a smile tugging at my lips. She couldn't be referencing.... "You know, the trick to flying is to aim at the ground and miss," I baited.

A grin lit her features that would definitely go on my list of spectacular things I've seen. "You know the Hitchhiker's Guide?" I nodded and she looked down, shy and wistful. "It was my mother's favorite book. She told me that's why I fell so much - I'm just trying to fly." She rolled her eyes a little. "She said the problem with me is that I could never miss something I was aiming for."

"I suppose everyone has to have a hidden talent."

She looked up, her eyes wide and I was afraid I had offended her, but then she smiled. "Oh really? What's yours then?"

Caught off guard, I blinked sporadically. She mistook my rude gaping as a sign of unwelcome and started to get to her feet. "I'm sorry. I fell on you and now I'm rude enough not to pick up whatever's left of my dignity and shuffle quietly away."

"No!" I protested. I reached forward to grab her hand and stopped myself just in time. What was wrong with me? She thought she was being rude by not leaving me alone after she fell accidentally and I had been about to restrain her. The movement had obviously surprised her as well because she froze, watching me. I sighed, running a hand through my hair self consciously. "What were you doing, before you decided to try flying?"

She glanced at me and then out at the sunrise. "I wanted to watch the sun come up over the ocean. It's just so untouched, you know? This is the same view the explorers and the Native Americans saw hundreds of years ago."

"Hmm," I murmured in agreement, enjoying the serene look on her face as she looked out. "Plus or minus a few cruise ships and oil rigs," I couldn't help but tease her.

She gave me a wry but amused expression. "One or two big ships is easy to block out," she demonstrated by lifting her thumb to the horizon, presumably blocking out the cruise ship I had indicated. She turned around. "But you can't exactly imagine what the land looked like before all that," she gestured at the bustling city behind us.

I may or may not have been concentrating more on the magnificent view she provided me. Forget Long Beach, this girl had a perfect ass and legs to match. Legs for days, one would say; which was odd because she was short - not statuesque at all.

I managed to snap my eyes back up to her before she turned around. I didn't want to be caught ogling like some pervert. "Sit," I invited, gesturing at the grass. "There's plenty of hill for you, me and the comfort of three feet of personal bubble space."

She opened her mouth automatically, her lips forming the telltale no but then she paused. I held my breath as she tilted her head. "Well, I suppose you don't bite." Then she took a deliberate step to the side before sitting cross-legged near me.

We sat in silence for a few moments. It wasn't uncomfortable. I didn't feel the _need _to fill the silence. Rather, I _wanted _to fill the silence. I wanted to hear her voice again. "My name is-," I started to introduce myself, suddenly realizing that I didn't know her name, but she cut me off.

"No names, please," she said quickly.

I looked over at her, perplexed and she sighed. "I'm sorry. I just don't trust myself right now. I need to maintain…distance."

I turned her words over in my head but they were nonsensical. "I don't understand," I admitted.

Another sigh and she looked back out to the ocean, bringing her legs up close to her body. A defensive posture.

"I'm crushing on you," she confessed.

I tried to stop my smile from spreading but it didn't quite work. "This is a bad thing, I take it?"

"It's stupid. It makes no sense. Which isn't an insult to you, by the way," she hurried to assure me. "I don't even know you. That's why I don't trust myself. Everything you say and do right now…it's probably going to sound brilliant because of what I feel," she finished. When I didn't answer, she sighed again. I could see her cheeks had turned that wonderful shade of pink. "I know it sounds dumb."

"No," I said quickly. "I understand what you're saying. I mean, if anything, you're proving your point to me because not only do I not think it sounds dumb, I think it's rather insightful, but now I'm wondering if I think that because it is, indeed, insightful or because I'm crushing on you too."

Her cheeks became an even darker shade of red, but I could see the smile that played at her lips. "Emotions are always illogical," she said conversationally.

Knowing full well that this could go very badly but somehow unable to help myself, I leaned over and gently parted the hair at the side of her head. She turned to stare at me but she didn't flinch away at all. "What are you doing?" she asked, more curious than mad.

"Sorry," I said, leaning back out of her bubble space and grinning at her lopsidedly. "I was just curious. I was checking your ears to see if you're a Vulcan."

At that she giggled and I decided instantly that I was going to make her laugh as often as possible. It was a beautiful sound. She tilted her head and gave me a wry look.

We sat in silence just watching the sun send its hues of vivid reds and oranges over the peaceful water. I found myself wracking my brain. I could be charming, I knew that, but how do flirt with someone who refused to be charmed?

"You said watching the sunrise makes you happy," I started slowly, breaking the silence after a few minutes.

She nodded. "It does."

"Don't you find that illogical?" I asked, teasing her because I couldn't help it.

She looked at me with a caustic but amused grin. "As a matter of fact, it is. Though, you have to admit that watching the sunrise isn't going to affect your life."

"Well, unless you stare right into it. That's unhealthy. Or so my dad always told me. He might have been lying," I quipped easily.

She smiled and then her expression became thoughtful. "The sun has risen every day since the Earth began. It should be mundane, not breathtaking," she mused.

I had a short debate with myself as she spoke. The sun was steadily climbing above the waterline and she would walk away from me soon. There was no part of me that wanted this to end, logical or not. The question was how to walk the line between getting her to stay longer or scaring her away sooner. "So here you are...for no other reason than it made you happy. But, I bet if I asked, you wouldn't spend the day with me."

She shifted to look at me, laying the side of her head on her knees with a small, gentle smile. Her brows were knitted together in the most endearing way and I could see she was fighting with herself and what to think.

"Now, hold on a minute before you say no. Let's look at this logically," I said and grinned at the bemused expression on her face. "Are you from around here?"

She shook her head.

"So you're just visiting," I concluded. She didn't argue. "Are you visiting with family, friends…boyfriend…girlfriend?"

Another small head-shake.

Somehow, I held back my grin. "Alright, so here are the facts, ma'am. Just the facts. You and I are both tourists who are traveling alone. We both want to take in a few sites, I assume – or else why would you be traveling. Neither of us is accountable to anyone at the current time. I won't be urging you into any dark alleys or shady places, and even if I did you always have the freedom of choice to walk away from me. And, as an added bonus, it might make you happy," I finished.

She raised an eyebrow, though the flush of her cheeks told me I'd hit the nail on the head. "You're smiling," I explained. "The look on your face is vaguely amused. Illogically amused, even. At the very least you seem to enjoy my presence."

She pursed her lips thoughtfully. I tried to make it look like I wasn't holding my breath for her answer. "Well, genius, we have three hours until the Aquarium of the Pacific opens. If you can think of something I want to do more than I want to take a nap in my glorious motel bed, then I will walk in the same direction as you do." She smirked slightly. "At least three feet of bubble space away, of course."

"Of course," I agreed, more to stall than anything else.

I panicked briefly. I wasn't a local in the slightest, I was a drifter. I didn't know what there was to do around here and I needed to come up with something better than, 'let's just wander where the wind takes us'. It was a romantic notion when, obviously, this girl wasn't going to jive with that.

My panicking was interrupted by the oddest grumbling noise. It took me a moment to place it before I saw the embarrassed look on her face. Her cheeks were flushed again.

She was hungry.

I grinned and stood. "Breakfast. Definitely breakfast on the pier," I said decisively.

Hesitantly, I held my hand out. I shamelessly poured all my charm into the look I gave her, imploring her with my eyes to take my hand.

She stared at my hand for a moment before her eyes flicked to mine. I heard her breath catch in her throat. One beat, then two and I saw her throat move as she swallowed thickly.

"Okay," she acquiesced finally.

She put her hand in mine.

That charge that seemed to crackle between us concentrated where our hands were locked together. Even as I tugged her gently to her feet I was in a sort of haze. Energy coursed through my body that I couldn't explain or deny.

I felt alive. Completely and entirely aware.

The look in her eyes was a mirror of mine. _Where are you taking me, beautiful stranger?_

***

**7:15 A.M. **

"Ugh."

I looked up at the beautiful girl across from me and gave her a grin. She was staring at my food and looking vaguely ill.

We were at a wooden picnic table out on the pier. We'd found a tiny Mexican food stand and ordered breakfast.

Apparently, she thought ceviche was not something a civilized human being had this early in the morning. I told her to take it as assurance I wasn't going to try anything like kissing her - what with all the shrimp and onions.

"What? You don't like see food?" I asked, opening my mouth wide as I spoke so she could see my masticated breakfast.

Why did I feel so at ease with this virtual stranger?

She scrunched up her face but a giggle escaped. "What are you, five?"

I chewed in a manner much more suited to how my mother raised me. "I'm nineteen, actually."

She thoughtfully chewed on the breakfast tacos she was eating. "Me too."

Funny, she didn't look nineteen. Her face was undeniably youthful – entirely free of any sort of wrinkle, but she seemed to exude a maturity beyond her years.

"Nineteen is a weird age to be traveling alone, isn't it?" she asked carefully.

I considered this. Most people our age would still be traveling with family, or with a group of friends. I shrugged at her easily. "I don't mind traveling alone. I needed the time to…regroup, I suppose, before I trot off to college."

"And you couldn't get a friend to go with you?" she asked. Then she blushed, figuring that the question could come off as rude probably. "I mean – you just seem like the type of guy who would be fairly popular, that's all."

"You would think, but I have to admit I'm a little defective in that department."

She snickered and I arched my eyebrows at her. "Come on," she said. "You're not serious."

I had to smile at her then. "No, I just … never fit into any of the High School cliques, you know? I mean, I went to an obnoxiously small High School. I played an instrument, but I wasn't a band geek. I was at the top of my class, but I'm not a nerd. I was athletic but I wasn't a jock. You get the picture."

Both of her eyebrows were raised. "What you're basically saying is that you're too good at everything."

Well, I hadn't meant it that way. I saw by the twinkling in her eyes that she was teasing me, though, so I merely shrugged. "I'm well rounded."

"Show off," she mumbled

"What about you?" I asked, resuming eating my surprisingly delicious breakfast. "Why is such a pretty girl all by herself in California?"

I saw pain flash through her eyes a split second before she looked away from me, out to the ocean. I instantly felt bad. Obviously, I'd hurt her. I don't know how, but I was sure it was my fault. "I'm sorry," I said instantly.

She shook her head slightly, and I wished I hadn't agreed to that three feet of personal space. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to make it better.

"I've felt different from most kids my entire life," she admitted, smiling wryly out at the water. "My parents divorced when I was just a baby, and my mother...she always took a certain amount of looking after. I don't really remember a time when I wasn't the responsible one - of the two of us, you know?"

I nodded, easily able to imagine what she was saying and intrigued that she didn't sound bitter about this. She sounded more...wistful.

She looked down at her hands. "When I was fourteen she remarried. A ball player - Phil," she said his name with a certain amount of venom and again I wished I could hold her. "I knew she would be happier if she could go on the road with him, so I was all set to go to my dad's." She paused, taking a steadying breath. "But, then mom got sick. Really sick. Phil couldn't take it. He was young. He bailed. My dad - he moved to Phoenix to help me take care of my mom until she died about six months ago," she concluded.

Screw the bubble space. I reached out and put my hand over hers. "I'm sorry," I said sincerely.

She hesitated a moment but then flipped her hand and twined our fingers together briefly. Despite the fact I was concentrating on lending any bit of comfort I could to her, I still couldn't help but notice the strange current was still there.

She squeezed my hand and let go, pulling back. "Thank you." She gave a little laugh and looked up at me, her eyes free of tears, though the sadness lingered. "I can't believe I just told you all that. I didn't mean to dump my sad story on you."

"Don't be sorry," I said, reluctantly sitting back, bringing my hand to my side of the table. "It makes sense. I can imagine that taking care of a sick mother didn't leave much time for a social life."

She nodded slowly. "My dad did the best he could and he tried to get me to go out more - but, I don't know. It's weird, you know? It's too heavy for most High School kids to deal with. So, I didn't really have many friends. I didn't really know where to go next - I've never really thought about what I wanted to do with my life. I was always too busy with my mother. So - here I am."

"Why California?" I asked quietly.

She shrugged. "I spent summers with my dad by the beach before my mom got sick. Either in his home town or up north a bit. I loved the ocean. I missed the ocean. I've kind of been working my way up PCH for the last week or so. Slowly." She smiled, obviously trying to shake her melancholy away.

I had been grappling with this odd, protective feeling at her admission - I didn't like the idea of her traveling alone - so her next words caught me off guard. "And you? Why California?"

Suddenly the whole following the signs the music gave me thing seemed - really stupid. "Did you know the Queen Mary is one of the most famous haunted places in California?" I blurted.

_Yeah - because chasing ghosts sounded less stupid. Nice one. _The chiding voice in my head sounded like my older brother and I glared inwardly at it.

She was trying to keep a straight face, I could tell. "You're chasing ghosts?"

"That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it," I exclaimed, and hurried to the change the subject.

***  
**9:35A.M.**

"There's a shark tank!"

I had been pretending to watch the seals and sea lions swimming in the tank in front of us, but really I had been watching the beautiful stranger the entire time we'd been there. Now she was almost bouncing in place, her eyes completely lit up with excitement.

It was adorable.

"It wouldn't be much of an aquarium if it didn't have sharks," I said, trying to keep back my grin at her obvious pleasure.

She looked at me in exasperation. "No. I mean, it's hands on. We can touch sharks! Come on!" She had turned and headed the way the arrow indicated without waiting for a response from me. Which was fine because at that point I would have gladly followed her anywhere.

Wait a minute. "Hold up a second. You're going to put your hands in a tank with sharks?!" I exclaimed, realizing what was about to happen.

She turned to me with an arched eyebrow as she rolled her sleeves up. "Problem there, buddy?"

"My mother taught me that putting your hands near things with sharp teeth wasn't wise," I quipped nervously.

Her eyes sparked with humor. She looked at me for a moment with her hands on her hips and her lips pursed. I felt sheepish, but I was seriously wary about things that could bite me.

Hey - everyone has to have a fear right?

"Look, see that mom?" she tilted her head at a mother who was holding her very young son up so he could reach into the tank. "She is practically _feeding _that child to the sharks. These things obviously don't bite."

As she spoke she was removing her watch. She went to put it in her pocket and then frowned. "Dammit. I hate it when they do this."

"When who does what?" I asked, jumping at a topic that drew attention away from my cowardice.

She sighed. "Whomever makes women's pants. Half of them have fake pockets," she groused.

I frowned. "Fake pockets. What's the point of that?"

"Well, my thoughts exactly. Damn! I have no pockets," she said, patting the sides of the light sweater she wore.

"Here." I proffered my palm. When she hesitated I rolled my eyes lightly. "I'll give it back."

"Oh, I know you will. It's just that - this watch was my mother's," she explained, placing it in my palm gingerly.

I tucked the watch deep into the pockets of the light coat I wore. "I'll take good care of it. I promise. Besides," I continued as she turned back to the tank. "If your hands get bitten off, you'll really have no where to put it."

She gaped for a moment before her eyes became mischievous. Without warning, she reached out and grabbed my hand, plunging it into the cool water with hers.

Brat.

As I struggled in her surprisingly firm grip, listening to her laughter and feeling the current that flowed between us, I was struck by how natural this was. I felt like I had known her all of my life; like we had been doing this easy touching and teasing forever.

_You don't even know her name._

I pushed aside the snarky voice and enjoyed the fact that she seemed to have forgotten about the bubble.

**A/N: These guys talked more than I expected so I'm splitting their first day into two chapters – in case you didn't notice.**

**A soundtrack (currently in progress) is available from my profile, if you're interested.**

**Dizzygrl28 owns me. I have NO idea how she is still my friend after all the whining I do. **

**Please let me know what you're thinking thusly. **


	3. Leaving Me Breathless

**Chapter 2: Leaving Me Breathless**

**Disclaimer: These beautiful creatures belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

_**"You got it, you got it  
Some kind of magic  
Hypnotic, hypnotic  
You're leaving me breathless  
I hate this, I hate this  
You're not the one I believe in  
With God as my witness."**_

_**-I Caught Myself, Paramore**_

**BPOV**

**1:21 PM**

"So now what?"

The smooth voice snapped me out of the reverie I'd been in. I looked at the man who walked beside me, distracted for the millionth time by stupid things like the exact shade of green his eyes were - not dark enough to be emeralds, not light enough to be part of the sea...a nice moss, perhaps - or how his grin did strange things to my stomach - huh, it really did feel like butterflies fluttering and -

Fuck.

Apparently, I was making up for all that time I spent not being a hormonal teenager in one day.

He was still looking at me. "Well," I said, clearing my throat quietly, "the aquarium was my choice so I suppose we should do something you want to do now," I decided. I found myself smiling at him without realizing I was doing it. I bit my lip instead. "Didn't you want to see the Queen Mary? I've heard they have ghost tours."

He chuckled and a little thrill went through me. Why did the rich sound of his laughter make me happy? "So they do, but I promised you I wouldn't take you into any darkened places," he reminded me in a teasing voice.

We continued walking aimlessly along the pier in an easy silence. I glanced at him to find a slightly hesitant expression on his face. His brows were furrowed and I was immediately concerned. He took a deep breath and relaxed his face before turning to me. "Won't you tell me your name now?"

I could feel the smile fall from my face and he sighed. "I'm sorry," I murmured automatically. I truly was. He had such a beautiful smile; I hated to be the one to make it go away.

Truth be told, he had a beautiful everything.

"You're stubborn about the things you believe in," he observed, and I was surprised that there was no hint of frustration in his voice.

"People should be firm in their beliefs, shouldn't they?" I asked, defensiveness creeping into my tone.

Apollo's doppelganger held his hands out in an apologetic gesture. We slipped back into silence. His lips were pursed, obviously thinking something through. "What about a compromise? What if I earned it? Your first name only. No last names. That's not really entirely personal, right?"

I raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Earn it?"

"I'm going to impress you," he declared. He was making a show of looking sure of himself but I could see the hint of uncertainty in his eyes. I was comforted that he wasn't as in control of himself as he seemed. Maybe I wasn't the only one who thought this was a little surreal.

"Impress me? How are you going to do that?" I asked playfully. Let's be serious here. All I had to do was open my eyes to be impressed with him, but of course I wasn't about to tell him that.

"I'm going to buy you roses." He looked so pleased with himself.

"Roses?" I heard myself echo. Part of me was glad. He was just so ... interesting. I'd found myself engrossed in his conversation all day. There had to be something mundane about him.

He must have registered my less than enthusiastic response and seemed oddly entertained by it. "What? You don't like roses?"

I opened my mouth to lie and shut it again. I'd never been a good liar. Besides, I refused to play those games I often saw girls play, where they said something just to please a guy they were interested in. "They're just so unoriginal."

"Cheesy romantic gestures don't warm the cockles of your heart?" he asked in a mock surprised voice. His face was a mask of shock.

"Cockles," I snickered, because who actually used that word in conversation? I gave him a mock withering glare in exchange for his mock shock. "Not the banal ones."

He grinned, mouthing the word 'banal' and shaking his head. "Ye of little faith." He looked around. By that time we had walked around the shoreline to where there was a grassy area near a simple lighthouse. He gestured at the ground. "Sit. Enjoy the view and I'll be right back with lunch."

Amused, I sat obediently. "And roses?" I checked.

Another grin that made my heart actually stop beating for a moment - this man could actually be the death of me. "And roses," he promised. With a final smile he turned away, but turned back just as quickly. "Don't take off on me, skittish stranger."

The genuine worry in his voice sent a small thrill through me and made me smile. He didn't want me to disappear. Flattering. "I won't."

He looked me in the eye as if to gauge whether I was telling the truth. He must have been satisfied with what he saw as he turned around and walked off at a brisk pace.

Finally I was alone with my thoughts.

The entirely too logical side of me, obviously frustrated at this point, made my head a very noisy place.

What in the ever loving fuck was I doing?

I wrestled with the difference between fantasy and reality. I felt an odd connection to this man. I had always been a reserved person and yet I'd felt comfortable in his presence almost instantly. For the life of me, I couldn't explain it. Not logically, anyway.

My mother would have told me to follow my heart.

It felt as natural as breathing to be at his side. Like I belonged there; like I had always belonged there. Really, what was the harm in what we were doing? As he had pointed out, we were both alone. There was nothing wrong with enjoying the same sights and experiences with a likeminded person. He was fun to be with – interesting and charming.

The problem was that I had known instantly when I looked into his eyes that I wanted something more than friendship with this total stranger. I didn't understand the longing that had rushed through me in that one moment when our eyes met. It was like we were the only two people on the planet – like Adam and Eve - and I wanted things I had hardly even thought of before. His lips against mine. His body against mine.

I had gotten a hold of myself only to be drawn in over and over again. With every passing moment he revealed a new facet of himself, or smiled a certain way, or looked at me from underneath those long eyelashes and I fell all over again. It was a warm, disgustingly squishy feeling that spread from my very core through my body, making me feel pliant and helpless to do anything but follow it. It was like flying – all breathless exhilaration and adrenaline making my blood burn in the most pleasurable sense of the word.

_It's not real. __**That**__ isn't real_.

I forced myself to hear the logical voice in my head. My mother had flitted wherever the wind took her, but I had known, from a very young age, that I couldn't follow in her footsteps. I had always craved stability. Maybe it was a product of having such an unpredictable mother, but I longed for comfort – not continuous adventure.

After all, my parents had fallen for each other at first sight and look where that left them.

My father said it was like a whirlwind had hit him. One day he was just going through life on a sure path – working hard in high school so he could get into a good college and he could go on to study law – the next second Renee was there and his life was never the same. Following her spontaneous personality, they'd had a whirlwind romance that had cost Charlie his high GPA. They were married right out of high school and I was there a year later. Law school was no longer a realistic option for the young husband and father. He had joined the police force instead.

And for all that, their instantaneous connection had blinded them to one undeniable fact. Charlie and Renee were good friends – but they were not compatible for a life together.

Of course this stranger was not asking for the rest of my life, but it was too late to think clearly. I was already blinded by this odd emotion and that made me nervous.

Part of my instinct was telling me that a person like him could never really be interested in a person like me. Par for the course as a cop's kid, Charlie's vigilance had taught me to be suspicious about things and people that sounded too good to be true.

_Come on._ The exasperated part of me that had been enjoying the hell out of the day so far was rolling her eyes internally. _You tripped into him, remember?_

It's not like he had concocted some devious plot to get something out of me. So far he had asked nothing of me besides my first name.

I knew as a young woman traveling alone I had a huge target on my head for all sorts of nefarious schemes. I wasn't naïve enough to believe that there weren't many ways I could be taken advantage of, and this green-eyed god could very well be biding his time until he gained my trust.

_Now you're just being paranoid. _

It was possible though. Anything was possible.

I ran through scenarios in my head. Most of them were ridiculous. I was in the midst of a particularly far fetched fantasy about him stalking me and somehow setting me up to trip the way I - did right into his arms - when I was suddenly thrown into a shadow.

Instantly, my body was aware. It was like there was a string that ran down to the base of my spine. There was a tugging sensation and my body automatically straightened and tilted backward slightly so that I was staring straight up.

Just like the first time when I looked into his eyes, the world faded away. Everything else was muted. Muted color. Muted sound. He was the only vibrant thing in my sight.

"You came back," I said at the same time he said, "You're still here."

I must have looked like a moron the way I was grinning at him, but I took some comfort in the fact that his smile was as wide as mine. Warmth rushed through my body, painting my cheeks red.

He sat, leaving a comfortable amount of space between us. I appreciated that he hadn't been pushy about getting into my personal space. As it was, we seemed to gravitate to each other naturally. At the aquarium I'd found myself pressed against him more than once.

I pushed that thought aside, blushing again, as I noticed he was carrying two bags. They were those reusable shopping bags with some kind of conservation message written on them.

"I don't see any pretty roses," I teased him.

He looked up at me, smirking. He held up one finger to silence me as he pulled out a length of brown butcher paper. I watched with curiosity as he spread the paper between us. He cleared his throat. "The rose shares a subfamily with raspberries and strawberries," he began, pulling a plastic basket each of these two fruits. He looked up at me somewhat regretfully, "Blackberries too, but I had to work with what I could find. You understand."

I stared at him and opened my mouth, confused, but he held up his finger again.

"Other subfamilies include pears, almonds, and cherries, among other things," he continued, taking a container with each of these things out of the bags and setting them on the butcher paper.

I opened my mouth again and he fixed me with a pointed, somewhat exasperated expression. He put his finger to his lips and shushed me. My mouth snapped shut and I bit my lip to keep from laughing.

The next item he took from the bag was an apple. It was a vibrant yellow in color - looking full and tart. He rotated his hand, staring at the apple for a moment before he looked at me. "In Greek mythology, the goddess of Discord -"

"Eris," I blurted, more pleased than I should have been. I loved mythology. Greek myths in particular were a favorite of mine.

He smiled that smile that made my heart speed in my chest. "Yes. When Eris was not invited to the wedding of Peleus and Thetis, she was, well, pissed. She took a golden apple and inscribed the word 'Kallisti' upon it. Kallisti meaning 'for the fairest'. She tossed the apple into the wedding party that included the three goddesses Hera, Aphrodite and Athena, all of whom wanted to claim the title."

He hesitated a moment but then reached out with his free hand and took my right wrist, tugging it toward him. With his thumb, he unclenched my hand, smoothing out my fingers until they lay on his palm. He put the apple on my palm and closed my fingers around it. "Aphrodite bribed the judge, Paris of Troy, with the most beautiful woman in the world - Helen."

I felt a slow smile creeping across my face and I had to wait a few moments to be sure my voice was steady, betraying none of the tantalizing energy that I felt passing between us. "You're saying a rose started the Trojan War?"

"I'm saying...perhaps you should not be so quick to call a rose banal."

"And you want me to believe that the apple, along with all of this," I gestured at the fruit and nuts between us, "is part of the rose family?"

His smile quirked up one side of his mouth. "You can Google it." He waggled his eyebrows at me comically

I studied the apple in my hand. "Roses," I muttered, impressed just as he intended. "That all you have in your bags?"

His look became a little sheepish as he reached into the bag once more and pulled out a pale pink, blossoming rose. He smiled as he snapped the long stem about two thirds of the way up. "Now, don't ruin this for me. I've always wanted to do this."

He leaned forward and tucked the rose into my hair. I could feel the stem running behind my ear but that wasn't what made me shiver. As it had every time before, his touch had a physical effect on me. Like that tingling sensation you got when your foot fell asleep except with a thrill instead of the unpleasantness. My breath caught in throat.

Hearing my sharp breath, he looked down. He was so close. I saw his eyes flick to my lips as the space all around us charged and flared. Time seemed to stand still for a second. Two. Three.

Then he sat back. I blinked sporadically, not sure if I was relieved or disappointed. I took a bite of the apple to cover either reaction. He popped a raspberry in his mouth and quickly looked out to the water.

I chewed slowly, trying to slow my pounding heart and regain the tiny bit of control I had when I was around him. I swallowed and closed my eyes. "Bella," I said finally because I wanted to hear him say my name, and I wanted to know his and I honored any deals I made.

I could feel his eyes on me but I refused to look at him. "Your name is Bella?"

I nodded, hating that I was blushing again. The silence stretched on between us and I looked over at him. He was smiling. He stuck out his hand and, instinctively, I reached for it.

"I'm Edward," he said, shaking my hand firmly. His grin became impossibly wider. "Nice to meet you, stranger."

*****  
4:21 PM**

We talked for hours.

Edward admitted that while ghosts were an interesting topic to him, he had come to California on a whim after listening to a song on his iPod. He talked about how he was one of those kids who grew up with a different thing to do each day of the week – piano recitals, science fairs, baseball games – and that while he enjoyed many things, he lamented that he had a passion for nothing. With the ability to do anything, he had no idea what he actually wanted to do with his life.

I told him that the only passion I had was for books – words, but that I had no desire to be an English teacher or an editor or anything like that. I held the belief that getting an education and then a job dealing with words would only lead me to dislike them. I didn't want that to happen.

Besides, fuck if I wanted to spend my life correcting other people's massacres of the English language.

We had so much in common. We were too independent to be kids and a little too lost to feel like full fledged adults. We both had a wide range of interests across the board and an insatiable curiosity. He caught every pop culture reference I uttered – he really was a bigger nerd than he gave himself credit for – and he always seemed pleasantly surprised when I could keep up with whatever random bit of history he was babbling about.

I'd never been able to just talk for this long with anyone before.

Every once in a while we would slip into easy silence, and again I had never been so at ease with someone. I'd always felt the need to fill silences, but with Edward I felt like I could enjoy simply being around him.

But then again, I did love listening to him speak.

We had found another grassy hill with another view of the same ocean. I never got tired of it. The lull of the sea was calming and and the water lapping at the sand was mesmerizing. We were laying side by side though there was a foot or so of space between us. The sun was beginning to seem low in the sky. The day was lazily winding down.

I shook off the sudden uneasy feeling that he would disappear with the setting sun. Ridiculous. I felt the odd urge to ask him for more time. Tonight. Tomorrow. It didn't feel like it would be enough.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked him instead.

In my peripheral vision I saw him purse his lips. The skin around his eyes tightened. He was hesitating again. I was beginning to learn he did this when he wanted to say something he thought might upset me. "My father told me a myth once. He said at the beginning of the world we were all two people combined in one – some boys and boys, some boys and girls, some girls and girls. And the gods were jealous, so they split us down the middle and spread us to all corners of the earth. That's why we look for love. It's rare to find your lost half, but you can at least find some other soul who's looking for something they're missing."

I smiled because I knew that myth well. "It's not the biological impulse to procreate that artists romanticized some time during the Renaissance then?" I teased.

His beautiful laughter filled the air. "You're a wet blanket, you know that?" he asked, obviously amused. I swear I could hear the adoration in his voice but I quickly pushed that thought away. Wishful and ridiculous thinking.

And when the hell did I turn into such a teenage girl?

He wasn't looking at me. He was staring straight up, his hand occasionally ruffling his hair nervously. I realized I wasn't far off in my observation. As unfathomable as it was that this…amazing creature might feel the confusing pull that had been tugging me at me all day long, it was true. I replayed the myth in my head realizing that he had put himself out there.

I remembered this morning when I had blurted out that I was crushing on him. I remembered the embarrassment and how I'd been inwardly cursing myself. He hadn't left me hanging alone in my admission.

Needing to see him, I propped myself up on my elbow so I was leaning over him. His anxious eyes seemed to soften as I watched and his lips pulled up slightly at the corners of his mouth. My heart felt like it expanded in my chest. The adoration I'd heard in his voice was evident in his eyes. No one had looked at me like that – with an unmistakable tenderness.

Suddenly my nervousness and confusion left me. There was only us, and before I could think to feel embarrassed or self conscious I opened my mouth and sang a quiet verse of a song because I didn't have my own words to put to this situation any more than he did. "Last time I saw you, we had just split in two. You were looking at me, and I was looking at you."

His small smile became a full on beam. "The myth as immortalized by Hedwig and the Angry Inch. You have good taste in movies," he murmured quietly. "I think that was the first song I learned how to play on my guitar."

We were staring at each other then, and I felt the fear that I saw in his eyes. We weren't like this. We didn't do this. Yet here we were. He reached up slowly as if still worried he would scare me off, and he ran his fingers through my hair. I wasn't scared. The part of me that was screaming that this was insane sounded far away. We were lost and we both knew it, but we also knew that nothing had felt so right. Not ever.

"But I could swear by your expression, that the pain down in your soul was the same as the pain down in mine," he sang the next part of the song in a deep, soulful, soft voice, stroking my hair with the most gentle of caresses.

My heart beat almost painfully against my chest, but I felt a strange peace settle over me.

The next lines of the song went unsaid between us because there were some things that couldn't be said out loud right away even when you heard them at the center of your very being.

_That's the pain  
Cuts a straight line down through the heart  
We call it love _

Edward's fingers trailed from my hair to my cheek. His hands were so smooth, the softness conflicting with the charge that ran straight through my body. His eyes were conflicted, like he was trying to make himself stop but he couldn't. I felt like I should pull away but I didn't want to. His thumb moved back and forth idly and I longed to tilt my head into his touch.

He cupped my cheek.

For the space of forever neither of us moved. He was watching me, waiting for me to tell him 'no'. After all, we'd been playing by my rules all day. My heart and my mind were torn. My mind cried out that this was ludicrous. I'd only just met him and your first kiss was supposed to be the one that really mattered. My heart was screaming with want. But I listened to neither. My body chose for me.

He sat up as I got to my knees. I didn't make a conscious choice. One moment we were only connected by his hand on my check and the next my body fit to his, one hand wrapped around his neck and his slid around my torso. I couldn't tell you which one of us started the kiss. I just knew that our heads tilted in tandem and our lips touched. There was no awkwardness. No noses bumping. Like everything else today, it was as if we had done this for all of our lives instead of for the first time.

Then my body felt heated from the inside out. My blood burned and the energy that had crackled around us all day was concentrated at every place our bodies touched. My fingers tangling in his hair; his digging into my side, pulling me closer. Our chests mashed together. Our lips moved feverishly - devouring and savoring at once.

Our kiss broke only enough for us to breathe. His hot breath came in pants into my open mouth. He tasted sweet - like gum with some kind of fruit flavor. It mixed well with the sandalwood and ocean scent he exuded. "Bella," he whispered, so softly I wasn't even sure I'd heard it. My head spun.

Jesus.

His lips brushed mine again - a quick, gentle pressure. "Bella," he whispered again. "Open your eyes."

I hadn't even realized I'd closed them. Instead of obeying him, I squeezed my eyes shut tighter. I don't know what I was afraid of exactly. Maybe it was just that it felt like my entire world was changed and if I opened my eyes, everything would be upside down and backward. When I had gone to bed last night, I thought I had all the answers. My world was steady and stable. Now nothing made sense, and I was so, so happy.

And oh, so very conflicted.

His hand stroked the hair out of my face and he whispered my name again. I opened my eyes to see his gentle smile and I felt myself smile back automatically - my body responding to him again without my conscious thought.

He stood, bringing me up with him and stepped a pace away from me. I realized with no small amount of irritation at myself that it felt wrong to not have him pressed against me. Like I was...incomplete. But then he held his hand out to me and as our fingers wound together, I felt whole again.

Part of me rebelled at the thought. Actually, a lot of me rebelled at the thought. In my mind, one and one made two.

"Come on. I want to take you out for a harbor cruise. If we get on the one that leaves in twenty minutes, we can be out on the water when the sun sets," Edward said, tugging my hand gently. He smirked at me, tilting his head, "I'm assuming the sunset will make you as happy as the sunrise."

"Illogically happy," I agreed quietly, though I think both of us knew I wasn't talking about the sun on the water.

Some forty-five minutes later we were out on the ocean on a boat called the Sweet Caroline. We hadn't said much, but had made our way to a spot on the side of the boat where we leaned comfortably together. He had me tucked under his arm inside the jacket that he had retrieved from his car. Despite the cool winter chill in the air I felt warm and protected.

"Bella," Edward said, interrupting the quiet as played with my fingers, "won't you tell me your last name now?"

I froze, my body stiffening and he felt it. He let out a frustrated sigh and I hated it.

I couldn't explain the chaos in my mind to myself let alone to him. My every instinct was screaming at me with all the years I'd told myself that things like this weren't real - they didn't happen and weren't to be trusted if they did. My heart was yearning to just give in - to wrap my arms around him and never let go. It was screaming at my consciousness that he was my lost half and we could finally put ourselves back together again. My body wasn't helping matters any as it just molded to his side and echoed his every move. My mind was chaos, but my feeling was content. Right.

"Have you ever seen Serendipity?" Edward asked quietly, staring out at the water as the sun stretched to meet the waves.

I blinked, wondering what the John Cusack movie had to do with anything. Serendipity - where Kate Beckinsale and good ol' John had a perfect day and she just couldn't give in to him - not without a sign. But I didn't believe in signs and if you had asked me yesterday, I would have said that I didn't believe in fate. "Yes," I answered.

"This is exactly like that," his voice, for the first time today, was mildly irritated. He dropped my hand and I instantly felt a deep loss without the physical contact. "You're not waiting for some cosmic sign, but you have this vision in your head of what life's supposed to be like. Like it all has to line up the way you think is logical." He looked at me, and in the dying sunlight his green eyes seemed to smolder. "I think it's illogical to ignore something that feels so right simply because it feels right."

Annoyance flicked on in me. This morning he had understood. Insightful, he'd said. Now, when it wasn't convenient, he was berating me. "This from the guy who's waiting for some cosmic sign to tell him where to go in life?" I snapped.

I saw his jaw tighten but he didn't say anything.

I wasn't being fair and I knew it. Yes, I had meant what I said this morning, but I had been giving him hot and cold signals all day. I had kissed him and let him hold my hand and tuck me against his side. I sighed in defeat and a small smile quirked my lips in spite of myself. He looked over at me, his eyes more curious than hard. "You know," I said, "no one's ever called me on my bullshit before."

He laughed and the tension between us was broken. "Tell me about it."

Tentative, I reached for his hand again and he didn't pull away. He was watching me with a measured expression, waiting as I sorted myself out.

Would it really be stupid to let him in? See where this went?

I leaned with my back against the railing and put both of my hands to his cheeks, staring into his eyes. He put his hands over mine, and I could see the vague fear that was a reflection of mine, but I could also see the longing, and the tenderness, and God it was just...right.

The sun, as it dipped below the waterline and the white capped waves, was gorgeous. But it was nothing compared to his beauty; to how beautiful we were together. At that moment I knew I held the possibility of everything we could be in my hands.

I opened my mouth to say my full name.

I never got the chance.

The gently lilting boat suddenly jolted. The ocean that surrounded us, calm just moments ago, was abruptly violent with motion. I vaguely registered that the loud clap that made my ears ring was the water slamming against the side. Instinctively I grabbed for Edward, but the boat pitched, sending us in separate directions. The screams of the other passengers surrounded us.

"Bella!" he cried, "Hold on!"

But it was too late.

The boat tilted as it moved with the waves and I flew out of his arms. The world careened end over end and I fell. I heard Edward scream my name even as a terrified shriek was pulled from the very center of my being. I hit the water. Pain engulfed me. The cold was like a million razors slicing every inch of my skin. My head spun. The world went black.

**EPOV**

**11:21 AM – 5 Days Later**

I sat on the hill where I first met her, but everything had changed.

The shore - pristine then - was now littered with debris and wreckage. The world around where I sat was chaos.

Five days ago, when the Sweet Caroline had started tossing around like a child's bath toy, I'd been thrown backward, striking my head against the side. I'd regained consciousness nearly an hour later on dry land. I was being carried in a tarp between several of the other passengers.

It was an earthquake. An earthquake had struck right off the coast, with us so close to the epicenter that we'd had no warning whatsoever. The simple fact that anyone had made it off that boat alive was miraculous.

But Bella hadn't.

One moment she had been standing there in front of me, her hands on my face and my heart so full I could hardly breathe. And then she was gone, leaving no proof at all that she had ever existed.

What could I do? It was a disaster. Death surrounded me everywhere I went that evening as I had stumbled, desperately searching for her among the dying and injured that had been pulled from the water. I shuddered, thinking about the others I'd helped get to safety, all the while trying to find her; hoping someone was helping her like I was helping the strangers I came across.

My parents found me late on the second day, exhausted, concussed and dehydrated in a makeshift hospital that had once been a high school gymnasium.

I never did find her though.

In a city this size - torn apart by huge and violent earthquake that had a death toll that was approaching a thousand and rising steadily - there was no help for a man trying to find a woman with no picture and no last name.

Sitting on that hill, with the world all around me so destroyed, my broken heart felt like an appropriate part of the scenery. My parents wanted to take me home; take me back to a place that had never known Bella so we could all pretend that my life hadn't completely changed.

I stuffed my hands in the pockets of my jacket, trying not to cry. Then my fingers wrapped around cool metal. My eyes fluttered closed as I pulled the object from my pocket.

It was her watch.

I remembered the look on her face as she'd hurriedly removed the old watch so she could put her hands in the salt water. I remembered how adorable and hysterical the scowl on her face was as she realized the pants she wore had no pockets.

I ran my fingers over the band and noticed an inscription behind the watch face. It was inscribed to Renee - her mother, I remembered.

She had existed. I wouldn't ever forget - I couldn't.

At the sight of the watch something inside me broke. I finally let myself feel the profound sense of utter devastation and loss. I put my hands on either side of my head and leaned my forehead against my knees as I cried. I cried for Bella and her wasted life. I cried for her father who had lost everything. I cried for myself and the future that had danced in front of my eyes only to be snatched away almost instantaneously.

After a moment I felt my mother and father's arms wrap around me. They held me as they had when I was little, rocking me and soothing me, but unlike my childhood aches this was one they could not kiss away.

**A/N: Ah! I killed Bella in the second chapter!!**

**::cough::YeahRight::cough::**

**The song that Edward and Bella sing to each other is from a movie called Hedwig and the Angry Inch. The whole song is a retelling of the myth Edward is talking about.**

**Thank you to JadedandBoring for beta work of excellence. And I love CellaCullen because she let me throw a tantrum worthy of a five year old and didn't disown me.**

**I'm loving all you reviewers telling me your favorite moments. Tell me what you're feeling. Are you doing okay? Leave some love for Edward because we aren't going to see him for at least two chapters. ::kisses my poor Edward::**


	4. We Taste New Lovers in the Dark

**Chapter 3: We Taste New Lovers In the Dark**

**Disclaimer: These characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Jackson Rathbone may or may not own Jasper's sexy stage presence and the red bandana, but he sure as fuck owns my eyes every time I see him on stage. Or in an interview. Or in a movie. Or...fuck my life. **

_**"And in the space between the stars  
We take it one small step too far  
Strange things happen in the dark  
Strange things happen in the dark  
We taste new lovers in the dark  
We break our promises and hearts"**_

_**-In the Dark, Poets & Pornstars**_

**  
****Five Years Later****  
JPOV**

"Emmett, would you hand me that cable by your feet?"

It was Friday night and I was feeling the familiar inkling of excitement in the pit of my belly. There wasn't anything I loved more in the world than making music. Corpus Christi, Texas was a good place for that. As a seaside tourist town where there were many bars and pubs, local bands found it easy enough to pick up a gig or two a week. It didn't pay very well, especially split between five of us, but I had what I needed and I did what I loved, so I wasn't going to argue.

What I was going to argue with though was the fact that I still didn't have the cable I needed.

I looked up at my drummer, Emmett McCarty, to see what the hold up was. He wasn't even looking at me. He wasn't looking at the equipment…well, at least not the equipment on the stage.

What he was staring at, and I swear his tongue was about to loll out of his mouth too, was my cousin's ass as she bent over, wiping down a table. "You know," I told him as I stood and walked over to grab the cable I needed, "If Rosalie catches you staring at her like that, she's going to kick your ass, you realize that right?"

Emmett's head snapped to me so fast he actually twisted his neck. "Damn," he muttered, rubbing at the sore muscle.

"Don't hurt yourself," I cracked. _That's what the jackass gets._

"Ah, don't mind him Em," our bassist, Riley Knox butted in. He slapped Emmett on the back and turned to me. "Whitlock's still bitter that he ain't allowed to pop a boner over her."

I grimaced. Riley was an asshole.

One night, and believe me when I say copious amounts of alcohol were involved, I had admitted that the first time I'd met Rosalie, I'd been … interested to say the least. Who wouldn't be? She was all lean curves in all the right places – tall, without being taller than most of us boys – and blonde.

In my defense, she had flirted right back at me…until my Aunt Nettie Hale turned out to be her mother.

Whoops.

Emmett, our lead singer Garrett Reynolds and our keyboardist Peter Sutton had the tact not to bring it up, but, like I said, Riley was an asshole.

"Jazz," Peter said, quickly diffusing the argument that he knew was about to happen, "We got this. We could use some batteries though and we're almost out of smokes."

I looked at him, mildly annoyed. I knew what he was doing. He didn't even smoke. That shit bugged his wife, Charlotte, to no end.

Hell with it, I could use a walk anyway. I always had too much energy before a gig.

About half an hour later I was walking back to the bar with the pockets of my trench coat filled with packs of batteries and cigs while I unwrapped the Kit Kat bar I'd bought for myself. I registered a rumbling in the background only seconds before a navy blue Charger screeched to a halt on the street beside me. Automatically, I stumbled back a few steps. I looked toward the car just as the passenger door flung open and a brown haired woman stepped out yelling, slamming the door behind her.

_  
_"Come on baby, don't be a prude. Get back in the car." The driver yelled out the window.

"You know what, James? Fuck you. I'm not getting anywhere near you or your wandering hands," the brunette yelled, stepping briskly a few feet away from the Charger.

"Baby-" he started, but then he stopped short as she kicked his car. "Whoa, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!"

"Get lost, creep," she demanded.

"Have it your way you frigid bitch," the driver screamed. Without another word he peeled away, his tires screeching as he flew down the street.

_What an asshole._

She immediately started digging through the clutch she held, producing a phone and muttering to herself angrily. I caught something like, "I'm going to kill Jake…" but not much else.

"Are you all right miss?" I asked, stepping over to her. She jumped, and I winced as her phone tumbled from her hands, falling to the pavement with a crash.

"You scared the shit out of me! You can't just sneak up on people like that!" she half-yelled. She bent down to retrieve her phone at the same time I did.

Crouched down, we were suddenly face to face.

Oh, Christ this girl was beautiful. She paused when our hands brushed and our eyes met. Her eyelashes fluttered as she blinked and even in the fading light of the evening I could see her eyes were a warm brown that was like the crispy, perfectly toasted top of crème Brule; she looked divinely sweet in that must-be-sinful kind of way. She was dolled up a little. Her face had a smattering of make-up though, not the usual cake women wore out on dates. Just a little mascara and a glossy, deep red lipstick staining her full lips.

I'd have felt embarrassed about staring but she was staring right back.

"Are you all right?" I asked again.

That seemed to snap the tension between us. She let out a quick breath and sat back on her haunches, darting her eyes to her phone. Her expression fell. "Dammit."

"What is it?"

With a sigh she held up her phone. The screen was cracked. I winced. "Ah, damn. I am sorry about that. It's a crackberry too. I hear the withdrawals start quickly."

Her lips quirked in a small smile. "These things tend to happen to me. No big deal," she said, and she stood.

Holy God.

Now my eyes were traveling up shapely legs. She was wearing a dress that was, by any standards, modest. It rested right at knee level but it hugged her in the most delicious way.

I don't know how my mouth watered at the same time my throat went dry but it happened. I cleared my throat as I stood, self conscious that she was having this kind of effect on me.

"Well, listen, my cell is back at the pub about a block and a half from here. If you come with me you can call a ride or whatever you need," I offered, gesturing back in the direction of the pub.

She pursed her lips and I replayed what I'd said. I supposed asking a girl back to a pub as night fell didn't sound less shady than the handsy motherfucker. I took a step backward in hopes of making her more comfortable. "Don't worry, my Momma taught me how to keep my hands to myself."

Her lips pulled up and I was surprised how a simple smile could send a rush of warmth through my body. "Well, my father taught me not to go off with strangers."

I put my hand out. "My name's Jasper Whitlock."

Looking amused she put her hand in mine. Her skin was so soft, and I could swear that I felt the slightest vibration when we touched. "Bella Swan," she said quietly. Where her voice had been irritated with James, and strong as she spoke to me before, but now it was slightly breathy. Interesting.

"Well," I said, smiling what I knew was my most charming smile, and made my accent much more Forrest Gump than Texas twang. "Now we ain't strangers no more."

She smiled, letting her hand slip from mine.

As we started walking I broke off a piece of Kit Kat and offered it to her. She accepted it with a smile and immediately ate it. "What, did your father not teach you about not accepting candy from a stranger?" I teased her.

She looked at me and rolled her eyes. "We aren't strangers anymore, remember? Besides, I could use the chocolate after that," she gestured vaguely behind us.

"So was that Casanova your boyfriend or what?" I was genuinely curious what sort of dumbfuck would dump a beautiful woman like this one on the side of the road. I don't care what had happened, that shit just isn't cool, he should have seen that she found a way home.

"James?!" She scoffed, the strong voice back. "God no! Blind date a friend of mine set me up on. He didn't warn me that James was a chauvinistic, perverted prick whose hands liked to wander without permission. I thought I was going to have to use my pepper spray."

"Maybe you should have anyway," I muttered.

She sighed. "I just want to get home and forget he even exists."

The thought of her leaving gave me a strange feeling in my chest and I rubbed my hand over my sternum to try and quell it. I could say that I wanted to get to know her, but the truth was, I needed to know her and my body's reaction was proof of that. No woman had ever had this affect on me, especially one I'd known for all of five minutes. There was no way I was letting her leave; I had to convince her to stay. "Listen Bella, my band is getting ready to go on to play our set and it would be a pity for you to go home when you're all dressed up. Would you like to come watch us?"

"Preying on the stranded and vulnerable I see," she joked.

"Eh, you know, it's an easy way to pick up women," I reasoned back.

She cocked an eyebrow at me then looked over at the club that was coming into view. "What kind of music do you play?"

I shrugged because our band didn't fall into any category that I'd been able to figure out. "A little of this and a little of that. It's kind of a mix of rock, funk and jazz. It's basically just me and my friends getting together to play and whatever comes out, comes out. Sorta like a big jam session."

"Sounds like fun."

"It is. So you comin'?" I was trying not to sound eager but I don't know that it was working very well. I frowned at myself internally. What the hell?

She hesitated for a few seconds before nodding her head. "Sure, why not. I could use a drink."

"Ah, a drink I can definitely get you," I said, smiling at her again. I wasn't even trying to charm her this time, I was just glad she was staying.

"Oh, you don't need to do that. I can buy my own drink," she said quickly.

"I want to. No expectations or anything. We all deserve a drink after a small string of disasters, right?" I said as we got to the door.

She bit her lip, studying my face for a moment before she smiled. "I guess that makes you my new date," she said decisively.

I felt my lips twitch at the word date and I had to struggle to maintain my cool composure. "Looks that way. I hope you're not disappointed, I mean I'm not Casanova or anything."

She let out a laugh which was loud and a little goofy and shit if it wasn't like music to my ears. "You are definitely a leap up from Mr. Touchy Feely." She looked up at me from under her lashes and I felt my heart give a little surge. "A huge leap."

"I'll be sure to keep my hands to myself." Which was going to be difficult if she was going to flirt with me. I was such a goner for this girl.

As it turned out, I broke my promise about keeping my hands to myself almost instantly. As I opened the door of the pub for her I guided her through with my hand at the small of her back. It was instinctual - I didn't even realize I was doing it until we were already through the door. She didn't say anything though, so I took that as a good sign. I didn't really feel like getting sprayed with pepper spray and I had no doubt in my mind that Bella would do it.

"Jesus, Whitlock, it took you long e- whoa," Emmett looked up from where he was sitting on the stage and when he saw Bella his eyes went wide. He grinned at me. "We send you to the store for batteries and smokes and this is what you come back with? Nice."

I sighed and turned to the girl at my side. "Make no mistake, Bella, this thing right here is actually the missing link. One of the ways you can tell is that it has the ability to speak but never thinks about it first. Oh, and its name is Emmett."

In typical Emmett style the man-beast didn't bother to dispute any of my claims, he simply bounded over to Bella to shake her hand. "I'm the drummer," he said proudly.

Believe it or not, that line was all it took to get him laid on some nights.

Garrett and Peter wandered up with easy smiles. I wasn't at all worried about them. Garrett was currently attached at the hips with a hot blond named Kate and Peter was the only one in our group who was married. He typically went home to Charlotte right after our shows. Great guy though. I introduced them to Bella, all the while looking around for Riley. Emmett was a harmless flirt, I knew that. Riley was a whole other story.

A low whistle alerted me to the fact that Riley was still in the room. I turned in time to see him push himself up from a booth in the corner. I tried to hold back my grimace. "Hello, what have we here?" he said, staring at Bella like she was something to eat as he sauntered up to us. Oh yeah, he was definitely interested.

"Bella, this is Riley Knox. Riley, Bella Swan," I introduced them, trying not to clench my teeth.

"Hi Bella, nice to meet you." Riley shook her hand giving his most charming grin, the one he used on the ladies he was trying to screw, and out of nowhere I had an overwhelming urge to knock him on his ass.

Bella shook his hand quickly and then turned to me. "I thought you promised me alcohol."

Bless her heart. I resisted the urge to smirk at Riley and instead beckoned Bella over to the bar. "Hey Rosalie!" I called. Rosalie walked out from the back with a slightly annoyed expression - but that was Rosalie. She was almost always slightly annoyed. "Think we can get a drink?"

"Bar opens in half an hour," she groused.

I stared at Rosalie, gesturing with my eyes at Bella with a look that said _Hook a cousin up._

Her eyes narrowed and I knew I was in trouble.

"It's no problem, really. I don't need anything," Bella was saying.

Rosalie put on a wide, apologetic smile. "I'm sorry. You know, I was just a little grumpy because my I was thinking about how I went to make myself a sandwich before I came into work and, wouldn't you know it, my refrigerator is so full of old, rotting food that the bread just tasted horrid. I'm afraid it made me a little grumpy." She looked at me pointedly. I groaned internally and gave Rosalie a curt nod - looks like I was going to be cleaning out the refrigerator this weekend; joy. She looked back at Bella, her smile wide. "What can I get you?"

Bella looked back and forth between Rosalie and me, obviously curious. But she didn't ask. "Whiskey sour, please." Both Rose and my eyebrows shot up. I was impressed. Bella looked back and forth between us again. This time she blushed. "What?"

"Nothing, darlin'. I was just figuring you for a mojito kind of girl," I said.

"I like whiskey and I like lemons," she said with a shrug.

"I do enjoy a good lemon myself," I muttered, trying to shake off the fantasy of enjoying lemon flavored body shots off of Bella. "I'll take one, too."

"It's not even six yet," Rose told me, concerned.

"I'll be fine," I assured her, a little annoyed. Rose caught my eye and smirked, glancing briefly over at Bella as she turned to make the drinks. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I knew how Rosalie worked. She was impressed that Bella had ordered such a stiff drink. If Bella could hold her liquor, Rose would officially approve.

Not that I needed my cousin's approval, but being that she was also my roommate it would be helpful to have it if I wanted to keep Bella around.

Wait, what?

Rose set down our drinks and I picked them both up, ushering Bella to a booth by the stage.

We talked as people began to filter into the bar, exchanging the usual information. She was twenty-four and worked for the Black Corporation's newest resort here in Corpus Christi. I was twenty-seven and got by with what little we made from our music and odd jobs here and there. Technically she had a roommate - the boss' son Jacob Black, but he was back and forth between here and their home base in Seattle, so she was alone often enough.

Good to know.

"So, is your cousin the over mothery type of roomate?" she asked after I explained about Rose and my shared DNA.

"Not really," I said, perplexed.

She must have seen my confusion. "It's just that she gave you that look at having a drink before six," Bella explained.

Ah.

"That, darlin', is a sordid tale that basically boils down to the fact that alcoholism runs in both sides of my family. She's hypersensitive to that fact given that Aunt Nettie - her mother - is a raging alcoholic and _my_ mother...." I trailed off because _that _particular story was more than a woman who had known me for a grand total of one hour needed, or wanted, I'm sure, to know about me. I ran my hands through my hair self-consciously.

"You don't have to tell me, but you should know now that I don't judge people by their family and I don't scare easily," she said softly.

"Well, that's something we have in common then!" a cheerful voice too close to our table interrupted. Emmett had bounded up onto the stage behind us and sat with his legs dangling in between us. "If I'd let familial association get in the way, I would have never fallen in love with Rosie after meeting this fucker."

" 'Familial association', that's a fucking mouthful for your peanut brain to handle, isn't it?" I asked, torn between relief that Emmett had gotten us away from _that _topic and annoyance that he was literally coming between Bella and me.

Emmett laughed. "You'd know all about handling a mouthful," he said, plucking the fedora off my head.

"Would you take that off? You're going to warp it on your abnormally large, mongoloid head." I swiped at him, trying to get my hat back but he was taller than I was at it is and he slid easily out of my reach.

"Jesus. You'd think that these fools were in their late teens instead of their late twenties," Rosalie muttered as she sidled up to the table.

"Rose!" Emmett boomed, getting that disgustingly goofy grin he got whenever she was around. "I was just professing my undying love for you."

Rosalie looked unimpressed. "Uh-huh. Well, profess your undying love for your drums. You're on in ten."

I felt a rush of adrenaline that was echoed in the way Emmett kicked his feet against the back of the booth. He looked down at Bella. "You're in for a hell of a show!"

"It sounds like it," Bella said. She looked over at me with a sly grin. "I'm looking forward to seeing you perform."

She blushed when she said it and my pants got a little tighter. _Guess all of me is ready to perform. _Emmett's laugh interrupted me. "Oh, I like her," he said as he stood. He adjusted my hat on his head and retreated to his drums.

"Well," I said, digging through my pocket for my lucky red bandana, "looks like it's time for work."

She watched me roll up the bandana and tie it around the back of my head. "What does one say in the music industry? It's not break a leg."

I laughed. "I don't know that I'm a part of any industry, doll. But, I'll take a kiss for luck," I said, tapping my cheek lightly.

To my surprise she leaned forward almost immediately and put her lips to my scruffy cheek. She lingered there much longer than a peck and yet it was still too short in my always humble opinion. "Good luck," she breathed into my ear.

And my pants got a little _more _tight.

Christ.

I grinned what I supposed was a cocky grin, though I sure wasn't feeling it on the inside and stood, climbing on the stage where my bandmates were getting ready.

"Damn, Jasper, how the fuck did a grubby asshole like you did you snag something like that?" Riley asked me while staring at Bella who was talking to Rosalie again, presumably ordering a drink.

"Hands off, Knox. Eyes too," I warned him, double checking the cables one last time.

"Shit, don't be such a caveman asshole. I was just wondering how you met her is all."

"Let's just say one man's loss is another man's gain." I told him, chuckling at the memory of Bella kicking her original date's car.

"What the fuck does that mean?" He was clearly getting frustrated with me.

"It means finders keepers bitch. Don't be jealous just because the only girls you attract are about as deep as...well...Emmett," I shot off as I grabbed my guitar from its spot and slipped the strap over my head.

"Hey!" Emmett protested. "Don't drag me into this, man. You know I've only got eyes for Rosalie anyway. But seriously man, that chick is far from the vapid bar sluts you usually end up with."

"Vapid? Seriously, Emmett, what is up with you lately? Did you invest in a thesaurus?" Garrett chimed in, echoing my thoughts.

"Naw," Peter said, stepping up to his place in front of the main mic. "He just overheard Rosalie talking about how her last date wasn't one for the words. As it turns out, fair Rose is a sucker for a man with a good vocabulary."

I chuckled and let out a low whistle. "Good luck with that one man. I hear Hooked on Phonics works for even the most elementary minds."

Emmett shot me a dirty look but didn't have time to respond as I started to pluck out the starting notes of our first song.

Riley joined in at his bass, Emmett began tapping on his symbols and Garrett began playing the main tune on the keyboard, all the instruments coming together to form a bluesy little number we named 'Happy'. It had a slow funky groove that made you wanna take your girl back to the room and make slow, sweet, nasty love to her. Peter stepped to the mic, "Love is in the house….ooooh yeah…." His words drawn out and dripping with sexual connotations; not quite singing yet not exactly talking.

I kept my eye trained on Bella through most of the set. From the first song she was dancing to the music from where she sat, swaying seductively in rhythm to the songs being played. I couldn't help but notice that I wasn't the only one looking at her. Riley had stepped up his stage presence, singing back up and and moving about the stage with more conviction than he did normally. Throughout the years I had figured out that he had always had a thing for going after women I was interested in and I knew exactly what he was up to tonight. On most occasions I wouldn't care, let the best man win and all that, but not with Bella. There was something inexplicable that drew me to this girl and I'd be damned if Riley got this prize. 

Forty-five minutes later we finished up our set with a song I had written and sang lead on titled 'Beautiful Girl'. I looked directly at Bella, tilting my head as I sang the lyrics and enjoyed the shy smile on her lips and the soft blush that rose in her cheeks. When the song came to an end I quickly set my guitar down and hopped off stage.

Bella surprised me by jumping up from the booth and coming right up to me. I thought, for a moment, that she was going to throw herself into my arms, but she seemed to catch herself before she did. Damn. "You have a fantastic voice." 

"I'm glad you liked it darlin'."

"What's not to like? You're very engaging. I mean, you all are, but your voice. It's...sexy," she blushed slightly at that admission.

She was still so damn close to me. I was sure that I smelled like sweat from being on stage but that didn't seem to bother her and she smelled fucking amazing. Lightly floral and all feminine with a hint of the whiskey and lemon on her breath. The air between us felt slightly awkward and tense but neither of us was moving. I watched in fascination as she pulled her lip between her teeth, biting down, and I fought the urge to close the distance between us and kiss her. _I bet she tastes as sweet as she smells._

Of course Emmett picked that moment to come over to us, slinging his arm around my shoulder. "Hey again, Bella. Did you like the show?"

Bella blinked sporadically as if surprised to see him there. "I'm sorry, what?" she asked, sounding as dazed as I felt.

Well that was comforting.

Emmett chuckled. "I asked if you liked the show."

"Oh! Yes, it was great. You put on a very good show," she said sincerely.

"Good. Good. Well, I'm sorry to interrupt but I need to borrow Jasper here for a minute." I turned slightly to glare at him and he was staring back, his face a picture of innocence. "Need help with the equipment, man. Sorry."

I furrowed my brow wondering if he'd gotten the lines all snarled. I looked to Bella. "It just takes a few minutes to get the equipment put away. Will you wait?" I asked, suddenly anxious that if I took my eyes off of her she might disappear.

She shrugged, giving me a mischievous, nonchalant shrug. "I suppose you'll have to take your chances." But she sat back down in the booth, so I felt fairly secure about leaving her.

"Damn kid," Emmett murmured to me as we climbed back on the stage, "You've got it bad."

"Shut up," I muttered, but I smiled nonetheless.

"What are you doing here, Jasper?" Peter said as I bent down to help. "Don't you have a pretty girl to attend to?"

I felt my eyebrows crinkle in confusion. "Emmett said you needed my help."

Garrett let out a laugh and I realized what was happening. I turned to glare at Emmett who was doubled over with his hands on his knees straight out guffawing. "Cock block much, motherfucker?" I asked.

"Hooked on phonics, bitch?" he reminded me.

"Jazz, man," Garrett said, calming his laughter, "What the fuck are you still doing here? I wouldn't leave that girl all alone with Riley wandering around."

I turned and sure enough, Riley had one foot up on the booth opposite of where Bella was sitting. He was leaning in as he talked to her.

"Go get 'er, Tiger," Emmett shouted, as I hopped off the stage. I didn't even look at him. I just gave him the middle finger salute behind my back as I strode up to the booth.

Bella looked noticeably relieved when she saw me approach. "Hey, that was quick."

"Emmett thinks he's funny," I explained, rolling my eyes. "Listen, do you want to get out of here?"

Bella's eyes darted back and forth between me and Riley, but she nodded at me. I offered her my hand and she took it, letting me pull her out of the booth and right up against me. "It was nice chatting, Riley," Bella said without looking at him.

Riley smirked at me with a slight nod of his head. _That's right, the better man wins. _I smirked back at him and put my hand to the small of Bella's back again as I ushered her through the crowd of people. We got stopped a few times by some people commenting about how much they liked our set, but managed to make it out the door without incident.

Out in the mild Texas evening, my skin immediately cooled. I sighed in content.

"Better?" Bella asked quietly. "You looked hot up there."

"Well, thank you doll," I returned, waggling my eyebrows at her playfully. As I suspected, her cheeks flushed but she also didn't take it back. "Do you want to walk down to the beach?"

"Umm," she hesitated, and despite how at ease she seemed walking so close to me, I wondered if she was really comfortable.

"Don't worry. It's well lit. I swear I won't be dragging you down any dimly lit alleys," I joked with her.

I saw the lines around her eyes tighten and I regretted my words instantly even though I had no idea what it was that caused that pained look. I opened my mouth to apologize but then she looked at me and slipped her soft, little hand into mine. "The water kind of scares me," she explained sheepishly.

"Really?" I knew my eyebrows must have shot up to about my hairline. "Well, it seems like Corpus is an odd place to settle if that's the case."

She sighed. "My boss needed someone he could trust to head up operations here, you know? The resort is brand new."

"That resort is pretty near the beach, isn't it?" I asked, trying to put it all together.

"Yeah," she admitted. "It makes me a little uncomfortable, but I'm indoors most days, and my office faces land."

"Hmmm." I mumbled. "Well, how about a park instead? There's a nice one just down the block."

That earned me a geniune smile. "I'd like that."

We walked hand in hand in easy silence for a few minutes. "So are you going to tell me?" I asked finally.

"Tell you what?" she asked, obviously confused.

"Why you're scared of the water," I answered. Maybe I was being an asshole, but I was more than just curious. I wanted to know things about this girl. I wanted to know her fears and what made her sad as well as what made her happy.

Strange, strange feelings.

She quirked an eyebrow at me. _"_Are _you _going to tell me?" she asked pointedly.

Now it was my turn to be confused. "Tell you what?"

"Tell me about how Rosalie reacting to your having a drink relates to your mother," she said evenly.

I stopped short taken aback. She squeezed my hand and I kept walking.

We got to the park and sat on a two sided swing - one of those swings that was half see-saw, where you could sit facing each other. We swung slowly and talked. Somehow, I felt that I could open up and she would be true to her words from earlier. My family history wouldn't scare her away.

So I told her my sordid story.

I was born in Houston, the result of a one night stand between a doctoral student on his last Spring Break right here in Corpus and a native Texan who worked seasonally at one of bars during the busy rush. My mother, Maria Whitlock, didn't tell my father about my existence. He lived halfway across the country and had his own life and his own dreams.

It was maybe the most unselfish thing she'd ever done.

She tried to raise me, as far as I had been told by the rest of my family, but she was battling alcoholism and she was losing the fight. When I was two years old she went out one night and struck and killed a teenage girl while driving under the influence.

The legal hoopla that followed resulted in her going to jail, and thus losing custody of me, and my father finding out about me.

He surprised the hell out of my family by wanting me. There was a custody battle. My family wanted to keep me here, and my father wanted me with him. My father won.

"How did you end up back here then?" Bella asked, her face the picture of sympathy and concern.

I pursed my lips, wondering how this would sound, but then I shrugged it off. "You know - I grew up idolizing my father. I wanted to be just like him. I cut my hair like him. I even decided I wanted to be a doctor like him. Always knew it - from the time I was little. I worked toward it. I even started to go to school with med school in mind."

I hesitated a bit but then shrugged out of my button up shirt, leaving me just in my undershirt. Even in the dim light that filtered in from the street lamps, the scars that littered my arms were obvious. Bella gasped, her hands shooting out automatically to touch my skin. "Jasper! What happened to you?"

Enjoying the tingling sensation of her fingers on my arm I continued my tale of woe. "When I was a Junior in college, I'm walking home one night and I hear screaming, you know? A girl, screaming. So, I follow the screams and there are these two guys pushing this girl around."

I shook my head, shivering a bit as I remembered what happened next. "I don't really remember much, it happened too fast. I yelled at them to leave her alone. They asked what I was planning to do about it, and I responded by putting my fist in one of their face. Which - you know, would have been alright, except they had knives." I scoffed lightly. "Suffice to say, I didn't know that initially."

I pulled up my shirt so she could see the worst scar. It was, I knew, six inches long and very ragged, running from my belly button and carving upward. "Oh, God!" Bella exclaimed, and then her fingers were on the skin of abdomen, tracing the scar. God, if she only knew how good that felt.

"While they were concentrating on me the girl got away and was able to get help. I survived, obviously, but just barely. It took a long time to recover, and I was laying there, I had a lot of time to think.

"I knew my family in Texas wanted me back, and though he made no attempt to keep me from them, I'd always kind of ignored them because I didn't want to make my father, and my mom, the woman who raised me, especially, upset. But I started to question everything. Did I really want to be a doctor, or was it just because it made my father proud? How much could I know about myself if I didn't know half of where I came from?" I looked up into her soft eyes and, not for the first time, felt peace about my decision. "So I dropped out of college, and I came here. That was six years ago."

"I'm glad you did," she said quietly. Then she gave a short laugh. "I have about a million questions now though."

I grinned at her. "Tough cookies, darlin'. It's your turn."

Her smile faltered and she looked away, her hands retreating from my skin to grab the metal bar in front of her. "There isn't really a lot to tell. Nothing heroic, like you. I was on a boat in the harbor. The water got... choppy. I fell overboard and I woke up nearly a week and a half later with a broken leg, broken ribs, and about a thousand bruises and stitches all over my body and um...this." She bowed her head to the side, sweeping her hair up. Hidden by her hair was a huge scar that ran from practically her hairline to the back of her head.

"Holy fuck!" I exclaimed before I could stop myself.

She let her hair fall, hiding the huge scar once more.

"Well, it's no wonder you're scared of the water. I can't say as I blame you," I said in what I hoped was a comforting tone.

A silence settled over us that was just a little bit awkward. Needing to break the tension, I got to my feet on the swing and moved to the middle of it, positioning my feet between the two bars. "What are you doing?" Bella asked, wide eyed.

I grinned at her and held out my hand. Her eyes got even wider. "You're not serious."

"Come on. I won't let you fall, I promise."

She looked dubious but then I saw a determined expression come over her features. She took my hand and let me steady her as she climbed onto the thin, metal bar. "You remember earlier we were talking about things my dad would tell me _not _to do? This is definitely one of them."

I laughed, pulling her against me, to keep her from falling of course, "Daddies have a vested interest in keeping their pretty daughters in one piece. But don't worry, darlin'. You're safe with me."

She looked up at me with complete trust in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around my waist tightly. I put my hands back on the bars, enjoying the feeling of her slight body against mine as I began to swing us. Soon I had us swinging so high and though sometimes it felt like we would tumble off the swing, she never begged me to stop. In fact, she just giggled in exhilaration and held me tighter.

The easy energy between us got, well, heated, and by the time I slowed the swing down again, her hands had wandered up to my neck. She was looking at me, her teeth biting into her lower lip and her eyes slightly hooded. I was suddenly extraordinarily aware of exactly which parts of her were pressed against me, and I felt again the overwhelming urge to kiss her.

So I did.

Her hands clung to my neck, pulling me closer as our lips moved. I felt her mouth open, and I opened mine to her as well, our tongues exploring each other as I moved one hand from the metal bar to wrap it around her waist.

It didn't take long for our kisses to become fervent enough that I had to get off that fucking swing. I needed to wrap both of my arms around her and I was going to get us injured if I tried to do that while balancing on this thing.

Reluctantly, I broke our kiss and stepped off the swing carefully, holding it steady so she could step down. As soon as her feet were on the ground she was back in my arms again, and this time her hands were all over - running up and down my back and through my hair as our kisses became rougher.

Holy Christ. If she didn't stop I was going to take her right against the g'damn jungle gym.

Our kiss broke and we were both breathing hard. I could taste a hint of the whiskey and lemon on her breath and fuck if it wasn't delicious mixed with the floral girl smell.

She bit her lip, trying to catch her breath as she put her head on my shoulder. "How long is Rosalie gone?"

_What the hell?_ "Um. She works until closing."

Bella paused, but then she looked right up at me and her eyes were full of just pure want. "I want to see your house," she said with certainty.

My cock jumped in my pants and I couldn't stop the wide grin that spread across my face right along with the glorious heat that spread through my body.

"I think that can be arranged," I said, snaking an arm around her waist and holding her to my side as we practically ran back in the direction of the bar.

**A/N: Gasp! Did I cut off before the lemon?! I did. Tune in next time and I promise you will get a lemon.**

**Team Edward - Edward will be back the chapter AFTER next (I think - you never know what your characters will do). I am writing you an outtake from the aquarium that first day for your patience. I love you. I love Edward. I love Jasper too. It's a conundrum.**

**And don't worry – I have something saucy cooked up for Team Jasper for later too. No one gets left out. I love both of my boys.**

**Speaking of love! I love my gals, particularly JadedandBoring because I woke up to a beta-ed chapter and I was totes not expecting that. Weeeee! So thank her for me if you see her. **

**So – what do you think of Jasper? Hmmm? Let me know.**


	5. I Forget How To Begin It

**Chapter 4: I Forget How To Begin It**

**A/N: Attention TEAM EDWARD. If you're keeping up with the story but want to skip the lemon, when Bella says "I believe you." Fast forward to the words –We fell asleep-. Also, be sure to read the A/N at the bottom. **

**  
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Jackson Rathbone owns Jasper's bizarre clothing choices. And he may own a large portion of my heart. Fucker. **

_**"I should tell you I'm disaster  
I forget how to begin it  
Let's just make this part go faster  
I have yet to be in it  
I should tell you"**_

_**- I Should Tell You (Roger and Mimi), Rent**_

What was that God-awful noise?

I furrowed further under the covers and back into something that was smooth and warm. Whatever it was squeezed me tighter, a line of warmth across my waist and something gentle brushing me… oh, yes, right.

Oh, my _God _why wouldn't it shut up?!

I heard a grumbling and then the warmth abruptly left my back and the tingling, gentle brushes against my nether regions were gone as well. I pouted, but then I recognized the warmth was still tangled around my legs. There was rustling and a great deal of cursing while C & C Music Factory's _Everybody Dance Now_ blared its chorus over and over and over and-

"Ah! Found you, you son of a bitch!" a groggy, masculine voice muttered in triumph. The dreadful noise cut off abruptly.

The warmth came back along with the memories of last night, and I knew that the arms that wrapped themselves back around me belonged to Jasper Whitlock.

Content and unwilling to think about the real world just yet, I snuggled back against him, enjoying the feel of his skin against my bare back. The hand that he did not have wrapped around me came up, sweeping my hair away from my face with gentle strokes. "Are you awake, darlin'?"

I shook my head and threaded my fingers with his at my waist. He chuckled and I felt him run his nose up the back of my hair, sending delicious tingles through my body. He settled, his breathing evening out again almost instantly, and I felt sleep start to take me as well.

_Everybody dance now!_

Jasper growled. He shifted again, and again the noise shut off. I kept my eyes closed, hoping I didn't have to leave my comfy cocoon just yet. Muttering something about "pain in the ass Emmett" I heard a thud as he threw the offending object - a cell phone I would guess - across the room.

I started giggling. As my body shook slightly under the strength of my laughter, I became acutely aware of something poking me in the back. Desire flooded me and I knew I couldn't fall back asleep now.

You'd think I'd gotten enough last night.

I opened my eyes.

The sun filtered through the curtains in a small room. Jasper had been slightly embarrassed. His bed was a mattress on the floor and his room was taken up mostly by a badass sound system, music magazines scattered around and more CDs than I could count. I loved it. It just…felt like him. Comfortable, a little disorganized and content with his own little slice of his own little world. I could admire that.

I rolled over to face him and found myself looking into sleepy blue eyes and a wide, lazy grin. My heart gave a small lurch as I realized, not for the first time, that he was beautiful. Men were so rarely beautiful. Sexy and good-looking, yes, but not stunning; not like the Greek gods come to life.

_Apollo, _my mind supplied. The God of the sun and music.

But my Apollo still had bronze hair and a gorgeous, lopsided smile.

_He's gone. _The voice in my head whispered to me. He was gone and I was in the arms of another beautiful boy. And if by some bizarre and cruel twist of fate I were to lose him forever the way I had lost Edward, I wanted to be sure I'd have no regrets. I had learned the lesson of saying what needed to be said while I had the chance the hard way.

"Good morning, sunshine," Jasper murmured. His voice was gravely. He leaned in to kiss me. It wasn't a peck either. It was a slow and building kiss; one that was definitely taking us back into the haze of sex we'd disappeared to last night.

I knew I needed to talk to him. First. Before anything. We needed to be on the same page.

I didn't want to tell him because I didn't know how not to make myself come off like a whore. Still, it was a conversation we needed to have, sooner rather than later.

I pushed back my libido who was whining that his kisses were sex and candy - all heat and sweetness at once. "Jasper," I whispered against his lips.

He pressed a kiss to the tip of my nose before pulling back to look at me. His eyes were gentle and questioning...and a little apprehensive. I knew he probably expected that I wasn't as eager to be with him in the broad daylight as I had been in the darkness of the previous night.

I had no desire to leave his bed or his side anytime soon, and because of that, this conversation needed to happen. Now.

I sighed inwardly, hoping this would go well. "Jasper, I need you to know that this isn't the kind of thing I normally do."

He was unsurprised, but he was obviously curious. "Then why do it?"

The $10,000 question and he had hit it right on the head. My heart gave a painful pang and I was honest with him. "I lost something beautiful once because I hesitated and denied what I felt. I'll never know how much I lost because I didn't give in to what I was feeling."

"So you...gave into what you were feeling with me?" he checked and I nodded slightly. His lips quirked in a smile. He fixed me with a humorous look so I would know he was teasing. "That would be problematic if you crush easily, I'd imagine."

I had to laugh because he was understanding this far better than I had expected. "I've always found it difficult to connect to people in any way. That first time...I just didn't know how to react. I still don't, but I'll be damned if I lose something else out of uncertainty."

He pursed his lips, obviously searching for the right words. His hands had begun stroking the skin of my lower back, sending delicious tingles through my body. "You said that you don't normally do this...but you've done this before?"

I grimaced slightly, again hoping that this would come out the way I wanted it to. "Once. You know my roommate Jacob Black? I felt a connection to him. It wasn't nearly as strong as the first time, but I felt like I had known him all my life. We obviously didn't work out romantically, but he's still my best friend." If anything, Jacob had reassured me that my whole trusting my feelings plan was worthwhile - infinitely more complicated, but well worth the fuss.

"Wait. Go back to the part where you got it on with the boss' son," Jasper furrowed his eyebrows, pretending to be confused, but I saw the spark of humor in his eyes.

I smacked him on his bare chest and shot a glare at him. "That's not why I got hired."

He put up his hands in surrender. "I wouldn't even dream of suggesting it. In fact, it speaks to just how qualified you are for the job if they would keep you even after you and the kid broke up."

I rolled my eyes as he chuckled. Then he became a little more serious. I saw the hesitation on his face before he asked "And...this connection. What about me?"

Of course, I didn't answer right away. I really didn't know this man and this was probably too much. I didn't want to scare him. "The ...feeling?" He nodded. "Much more than Jacob," I admitted.

He looked into my eyes and I felt like he was reading my every emotion. "Not as much as the first time," he stated, not asking.

I knew my smile was sad and I rolled onto my back because I didn't think I could make this admission to his face. "In all honesty, Jasper...I don't believe something stronger than that exists. If it did, I think my body would be too fragile to contain it." I laughed because I knew how insane I must have sounded. "I only wish I was being dramatic."

His fingers grazed the bare skin of my stomach and my sides as silence stretched between us. It was a surprisingly comfortable silence, not at all heavy or awkward as one might have expected after a confession like mine. There was a shift as he propped himself up on his arm and kissed my chin. "Thank you," he murmured against my skin.

"For what?" I asked, tilting my head so his lips were a fraction of an inch from mine.

"Your honesty. You're very brave to be so honest with me," he said, his lips ghosting over mine, sending a yearning ache through me. He leaned into me, his body pressing lightly against mine as his kisses became firmer and needier. "I'm not going to lie to you - this isn't the first time I've done something like this, taken a woman home on the first night I met her, but I hope you'll believe me when I say that it's different with you. I don't know how it's different yet, but it is."

"I believe you." I kissed him then - a hard kiss. My mouth opened and his tongue stroked along mine, as if he were beckoning me ever closer, and my body automatically responded. He leaned over and into me, skin to skin as I arched up against him.

He broke the kiss, breathing hard, but only moved his lips as far as my chin. I felt his tongue warm against the skin there, licking me with delicate flicks that roused my senses and made my nerves stand on end just waiting for more. "I'm glad you don't regret being here," he said as his lips traced a trail down the underside of my chin.

I leaned back into the pillow, tilting my neck upward as my hands pressed him closer, one reaching to tangle in his already disheveled hair. "Oh?"

"Mmm," he mumbled, licking my neck with long strokes before nipping his way down to the valley between my breasts. My body arched up, needy, and when he finally put his mouth around one nipple I whimpered. He licked once. "I was thinking," he licked again, a flick of his tongue like a wet, hot finger against my sensitive peak, "that I wanted you again," he ran his tongue around my areola teasingly, "as soon as possible."

I was running my leg along his side, writhing under his attention. "That I will gladly give you, Jasper Whitlock," I said, my voice breathy as he kissed his way to my other breast, leaving a wet path that was cool against my fevered skin.

He looked up at me, catching my eye and grinning devilishly as he stuck his tongue out, letting it trail down the center of my body as he moved backward on the bed. I watched him, entranced by the sexy, playful gleam in his eyes. It was vaguely predatory, but not in a bad way. In my mind I heard the sultry Fiona Apple tune, First Taste. _I do not struggle in your web because it was my aim to get caught, But daddy longlegs, I feel that I'm finally growing weary, Of waiting to be consumed by you._

Unlike Fiona's slow moving, would-be lover, Jasper didn't make me wait longer than it took him to work his way down my body. His eyes never left mine, even as he teased the skin of my stomach with the tip of his tongue. He moved down, and right before he got where he knew damn well I wanted him most, he sat back on his feet. I whimpered because his mouth was too far from any part of my body and all my senses were on edge, waiting for his next move.

He reached out, placing his hands on my sides. I loved that his fingers were calloused from playing and the sensation they gave as they ran down the length of my body, their weight barely a whisper on my skin. As he reached my thighs his touch became heavier, his whole hands cupping the undersides of my legs as they continued down. When his hands were situated behind my knees he pushed back, spreading my legs as he positioned them where he wanted them.

I should have felt embarrassed. I was spread wide open and on display for him. Instead, I felt desire from my very core I ached for his touch. I felt exhilaration; no one had touched me quite this way - all red hot heat and borderline filthy and fucking intense. He finally released my eyes as he turned to press a kiss to the inside of my leg at my knee. I gasped, realizing belatedly that I had stopped breathing at some point there. My chest heaved, my breasts bobbing up and down in front of my hooded eyes. All I really saw was him. He was kissing an agonizingly slow trail down my thighs. His long hair on my bare skin tickled, adding a tingling sensation to the plethora of other tactile stimuli.

Finally, _finally, _he was there.

With a suddenness that made me gasp and thrust my body up at him automatically he moved from slow to light speed. He used one hand to spread my lips open and he plunged his tongue inside me, lapping at the insides with quick, firm strokes.

"Oh, Jesus!" I cried in a voice that could only be described as wanton.

He looked up from between my legs, replacing his tongue with his fingers for a moment so he could smirk at me. "However did you recognize me without my sandals?"

Before I could even think about thinking up a clever retort he was back on me and in me and, sweet son of the devil, this man knew how to use his tongue.

The hand that wasn't holding me open came up to rest on my stomach. He traced circles with the lightest of touches and I squirmed underneath his ministrations. Pleasure was building in me at the very core. I'd heard the term 'screaming orgasm' before, but the only ones I'd had myself came in the form of alcoholic beverages. However, if the noises he was eliciting from me with his big voodoo daddy tongue, I was oh. so. fucking. close. to one now.

I tried to say his name or to get out a _yes, please right there, keep doing it just like tha_t, but all that came out was wordless garbles and raspy pants. Instead, I concentrated, with the tiny sliver of my mind that was capable of rational thought at that moment, on not bucking up as hard as I wanted to into his face. This was how sex injuries happened. I was sure of it.

"Oh!" I cried, one of my hands grasping his on my stomach while the other flew back, grasping mindlessly at my big, fluffy pillow.

I would swear to you in that moment that the only function my body had was to orgasm. I came _hard. _My whole body stiffened while my insides contracted and, as I had suspected, I screamed out my pleasure. Everything else stopped. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. I couldn't think.

I lay back on the bed in a daze as I came down. Son of a bitch, I don't even remember ever having to _recover _from an orgasm. I was vaguely aware that Jasper was retracing his earlier route back up my body in gentle kisses rather than licks.

When I got impatient I put my hand under his chin and he let me guide his face back up to mine. I kissed him, tasting myself on his lips as we lay facing each other on our sides, our bodies pressed against each other.

Without breaking our kiss I brought my leg up over his and reached between us to coax him inside me. I hissed a little against his mouth when his cock brushed my hypersensitive clit, but he eased into me gently. His rhythm was only slow and easy for a minute or so. He was already worked up. I loved the sound of the long, loud moan he muffled with his lips on the skin of my neck.

Not for the first time since we fell into his bed breathlessly last night, I was so glad that I was always on birth control. I enjoyed feeling him in me with no barrier between us.

When he was spent, we fell back asleep cuddled together in a tangle of limbs, but when I woke up his presence was missing from the bed. I sighed in discontent, but figured he couldn't be far away. This was his place after all.

I took the time to stretch. An unfamiliar ache was settling over me now that I was fully awake and not draped in sexy man. It had been a while for me.

My hand, as I stretched, brushed something in the spot Jasper had occupied all night. I brought the piece of paper up to my eyes, blinking blearily.

_Beautiful, I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable and don't disappear on me. –J_

Hmm. I didn't know how comfortable I was supposed to make myself, but after spending most of the night and part of the morning awash in a sheen of sweat, I felt a little grimy. I pushed away my embarrassment and decided that that he couldn't possibly react that badly if I used his shower.

I gathered the rumpled sheet around me and walked out into the hallway cautiously. As soon as I located a towel I stepped into the bathroom, shutting the door as quietly as I could behind me. I only took a moment to look at my disheveled appearance. Sex hair? Check. Tiny red marks – near hickeys – all over my body? Check, check and, I flushed remembering his teeth scraping that spot above my right breast. Check.

With a shake of my head, I turned toward the shower, quickly turning it on. Mindful of the fact that Rosalie was likely home and could be up any second, I was quick with my shower. I chose the body wash that was obviously Jasper's – the one that didn't claim to smell fruity or floral.

When I emerged just a little while later, having pulled my dress over my head and located my underwear, I heard a soft hum coming from the direction of the kitchen. I couldn't help but smile, remembering watching him on stage as he played and oh my goodness when he sang….

When he sang, Jasper made love to his audience. I don't know that there was any other way to explain it. His eyes - unlike Peter's whose were mostly squinted closed - were always open, flitting from one person to the next. He would tilt his head or flash a devilishly sexy grin. When his eyes settled on me I'd felt all the passion he put into his music as if it was a second skin on my body. I felt consumed. I felt invigorated.

Not unlike now. He was sitting at the small table in the kitchen, a Starbucks cup in his hand. As he turned to me his entire face lit up, the blue in his eyes sparking as they raked up my form. I felt my cheeks get heated at his hungry look.

He had been leaning back, his chair half tilted off the tile. Now he sat forward, the legs of the chair coming down with a solid _thunk_, and pushed a Starbucks cup at me with the hand that wasn't holding his. He never took his eyes off me. "Sit," he invited.

"You brought caffeine," I said, smiling as I sat across from him.

"It's hot tea," he grinned. "You know – coffee is complicated. People are very particular. Tea is easier. Your choices are hot or cold - and if you want sugar, you can just stir it in." He indicated the pot of sugar on the table between us.

"I actually prefer tea to coffee. Coffee is too bitter," I replied, sipping carefully at my hot drink.

He tilted his cup at me. "I'll drink to that," he said, and then he did. He set his cup down then and gestured to a paper bag on the table. "Pancakes or French toast?"

I raised an eyebrow.

"There's a little hole in the wall place not far from here. By the Starbucks actually. They make a great breakfast. I, however, could burn water – as they say. Well, the last time I tried to boil water it ran out and I kinda screwed the hell out of the pan," he admitted, rubbing his neck sheepishly.

I couldn't help but laugh at that. "Pancakes, please."

As he'd promised, his little hole in the wall place did make a fantastic breakfast. We ate in silence. I wish I could say it was easy but the truth of the matter was that I was distracted.

I didn't notice that I had begun bouncing my leg nervously until I felt his foot on my ankle. I looked up and he was looking at me with a pointed but soft expression. "You're a mite twitchy this morning," he said without a hint of accusation in his tone.

Forcing a smile, I tried to laugh it off. "Crackberry withdrawals I suppose. It's been over twelve hours you know."

The corner of his mouth twitched up, but he cocked his head to the side and studied me intently. "What is it really?"

When I didn't answer he moved his foot up and down my leg. Not in a sexy way, but more to soothe. And I did feel calmer.

"What makes you think it's anything? Maybe it's just a tick," I stalled.

He took a bite of his bacon and chewed thoughtfully. "It's the eyes that give it away. You can tell a person's mood if you look into their eyes. I see it from the stage all the time. You get a guy or gal in there and you see they're tired or stressed out from the work week...I don't know, maybe their pals forced them to go out. Then you play for them and you watch their eyes as their mood changes. It's amazing to see, so I kind of got used to...gauging people's moods.

I chewed slowly and swallowed before I replied. "Okay, so you tell me. What's my mood," I said quietly. This was a sneaky trick and I knew it. I was manipulating the conversation so that I wouldn't have to reveal my insecurities.

If he caught this, he didn't let on. "You're nervous about something." He stated, not asking. When I didn't contradict him he continued in a mild voice. "I hope you're not regretting being here."

"No!" I exclaimed quickly, sort of horrified that he would think that. I sighed, trying to process my thoughts. "Well... okay. It's not you. It's really not. It's just that, for a long time I only thought with this over-analytical part of me - which I thought was all of me, if that makes sense. And, mostly, I'm still that girl I was at nineteen. I make all of my decisions with reasoning and logic. I just, ugh!" I clunked my elbows on the table and buried my head in my hands. "This is going to sound cheesy." I sighed and put my hands down but I didn't look at him. "I hope you understand what I mean when I say, I try to follow my heart when it's screaming at me."

There was a pause and I felt my cheeks get a little hot again. Then, he finally spoke. "Like last night." Again, it wasn't a question.

"Right," I confirmed, relieved that he seemed to be following my chaotic thought process. I bit my lip. "But that logical side of me never shuts up. I mean. You're in a band. You hang out in bars and clubs. You said yourself you've done this," I gestured back and forth between us, "more than once. Last night, hell, even this morning I didn't have a problem not using protection with you. But there's still this part of me that's just screaming that I'm being naive." I snapped my mouth shut, knowing full well that I was blushing furiously at this point.

"Darlin', will you look at me please?"

Reluctantly, I looked up from where I had been pushing the remainder of my eggs around. What I saw was reassuring. He smiled at me, making sure that he had my eyes before he spoke again. "You're a smart woman, Bella._ I_ know you can trust me, but I'm not insulted by the fact that not all of you knows that. We can use condoms, if you want, until all of you is convinced."

Half embarrassed, half pleased, I dropped my eyes back to the table. I was biting my lip again but this time I was fighting a grin. I glanced up at him to see he was pursing his lips ruefully. "Hmm, that's presumptuous of me, isn't it?"

"It doesn't have to be," I said, rolling my eyes inwardly at how shy I sounded. Where was this shyness last night when I was flirting with him, and holding his hand and asking him to take me home?

He leaned forward abruptly, putting wrapping his fingers around mine. "Listen, Bella, so we're absolutely clear on this. I want to see you again. Not just for sex, although…the sex was amazing."

"Yes," I agreed, speaking before I could think about it.

He rubbed his fingers over mine. "I'm a little lost here, Bella. But I'm, how did you put it, following my heart when it's screaming at me. I don't think I've had a steady girlfriend since I was a sophomore in high school. And I'm not trying to put labels on anything here," he stumbled. I was comforted that he wasn't quite as self assured as the persona he exuded.

Jasper took a deep breath and tried again. "What I mean is – I don't want this to be over yet, but I need you to know that I'm a little out of my element here."

I shook my head. "It's not like I have any more experience than you do. Jacob was my only real relationship and… well, it's like I said. We were always more friends than anything. And it was college, you know? College is not the same as real life, so to speak."

Jasper's answering grin was strangely shy. "So we'll figure this thing," he gestured between us vaguely, "out together?"

A warmth that was more tender than illicit spread over me and I found myself grinning back at him. "I'd like that, I think."

He squeezed my hand tightly before leaning back to finish his breakfast.

"So, what are you up to today?" I asked carefully. I didn't want to impose myself on his weekend if he'd had plans.

He looked up at me from under long lashes, for a split second reminding me so much of Edward and Long Beach five years ago that I was momentarily breathless. "Well, I was thinking that I could take you home so you could change into something more comfortable. And then I think that it's very important we replace your BlackBerry. I don't want you to get to that fetal, shaking, drooling stage of withdrawals." He winked at me.

I laughed. "Well, I can't argue with that."

After all, if I didn't have my BlackBerry, where would I put his number?

**A/N – Fucking Jasper. He has a mind of his own. He totally threw off my timeline here. SO! Instead of seeing Edward next chapter, it's going to be one more chapter.**

**Real quick. I love JadedandBoring and extra, extra, extra love Dizzygrl28 for interrupting her sex life to beta for me. I love CellaCullen and she has a new fic which is going to be ah-freggin-stounding - Red Balloon fiction(dot)net/s/5893987/1/Red_Balloon. And I love tellingmelies because she gave in to my temper tantrum…. Why the hell do you four put up with me again?**

**Now, now Team Edward. I'm totally with you. Yeah, I love Jasper, but I miss my brooding Edward. So, I have an outtake from the aquarium for you. It's small, but if you leave me your thoughts via the lovely review button, I will send him to you. **

**Team Jasper – how we doing? Let me know. **


	6. Future Seems Bright

**Chapter 5: Future Seems Bright**

**Dedication: To staceyj5199 and MildredDempsey - mwah! **

**Disclaimer: These characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Jackson Rathbone owns Jasper's panty melting Southern drawl. **

_**"I'm just a small town guy with a handful of dreams **_  
_**My future seems bright or that's how it seems **_**  
**_**When it comes to love **_**  
**_**I'm in need of advice"**_

_**- When It Comes To Love, Big Bad VooDoo Daddy**_

**JPOV**

It was one of those lazy days. I was lying in my bed, staring up and watching the way the shadows of the leaves and branches outside my window played on the ceiling. I was daydreaming; strumming my guitar distractedly while I thought about deep, chocolate brown eyes and the feeling I got in my chest when they looked at me.

"Making love in the green grass behind the stadium with you, my brown eyed girl. You my brown eyed girl," I sang quietly along with the melody I strummed.

It had been an amazing five weeks.

I didn't really know how to define us. I'd never been one to jive with the term boyfriend or girlfriend. All of that seemed like playground stuff – messy declarations and labels between boys and girls as they played at love.

Which was another thing. The word love was wandering around my mind an awful lot these days. My mom had always told me that I would know when I was in love. She said there was no way to deny it or control it. But then again, Mom _was_ a hopeless romantic.

Here was what I knew. Since I woke up years ago – groggy and in pain and with nasty looking stitches and bandages across my stomach and arms – I knew there was something more in life. I'd gone on to lead a fulfilling life – you know that whole 'live every moment to its fullest' thing? Yeah, I thought I lived up to that. I had rekindled lost connections with my lost family. I had made like-minded friends who shared my passion. I got by doing something I was passionate about. I expressed life through the gift – my gift – of music.

But on days like today I would look up at the ceiling and I would feel like there was …something more. Something I was missing.

Bella was my something more.

What I hadn't figured out was where that left me. Where did I go from here? Where did I want to go?

I hadn't ever really had to think with more than myself in mind. I made the decisions that were best for me, and I was happy with my life. Now, though, I was beginning to wonder if the way I lived my life was conducive to an "us" situation.

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. _

The loud noise coming from somewhere else in the room startled me so much that I actually shot up into a sitting position. I looked around, trying to locate the source of the awful "music", if it could even be called that. I mean, for fucks sake, it was being sung by school children. Out of tune school children. That shit is cute when it's your kid smiling sweetly but when it was just coming out of nowhere, interrupting pleasant thoughts – yeah, I'd say it was unwelcome. Bella came flying into the room. She picked up her jeans from the floor and rummaged through its pockets until she found her cell phone. "Sorry!" she said to me before stepping back out of the room.

_The hell?_

I slipped the strap of my guitar off as I listened in on Bella's side of the conversation.

"Hey," she softly. Her voice was unmistakably happy. Not like it was with me, but definitely familiar. This wasn't a business call then. I suppose I should have guessed that from the ridiculous ringtone. "You're observant." There was a pause, and then I could hear the edge of defensiveness in her voice. "I didn't know you were coming home this early."

The feelings that sputtered on in the pit of my stomach were perturbing. It took me a minute to identify them as anger, jealousy, and suspicion. I was most pissed off at myself about the suspicion, and I quickly told it to get the fuck out of my head.

Easier said than done, though.

"Since when are you my father, Jacob?" Bella asked, obviously irritated.

Suspicion finally fucked off, but jealousy got louder. Jacob the live-in ex. He'd been gone to Seattle since before I met Bella, but apparently he was back now and wondering why she wasn't waiting at home.

"His name is Jasper…. Yes…. I don't know. Are you going to put away jealous-ex Jacob and be Jacob, my best friend?" She snapped, and I found myself irrationally rooting for her to hang up on him. She sighed and when she spoke again her voice was soft. "Yeah, I know…. Right, okay. I'll let you know. I'll see you later."

Trying to brush of the irritation I felt, I got to my feet and stretched before stepping out into the hallway, oddly apprehensive. I had this feeling like something could have changed. It was making me nervous.

For the last five weeks we'd been living in what was undeniably _my_ world. Bella worked during the weekdays at the resort, of course, but she spent most nights hanging out with my band and my cousin. She fit in well. Emmett loved to try to make her blush; Garrett and Peter talked with her easily. Riley kept his contact with her to a minimum even though he continued to make sly comments to me behind her back. Riley I could deal with. Bella had never paid him more than cursory attention.

In theory, I knew that Jacob Black wasn't a threat. In practice – well, I'd just never had to deal with the other side. The girls I had been with before Bella had never lasted more than a few nights. It's not that I was some horn dog incapable of monogamy; I just hadn't really been looking for a relationship before.

But then, I'd never… clicked with someone the way I had with Bella.

As a musician, I'd found it easy to spout bohemian ideals. Bella, by stark contrast, lived a relatively conventional life. Watching her was fascinating. Sure, she worked the dreaded 9-5, but she didn't make it look nearly as thankless as I imagined it to be. I'd heard her on conference calls – her boss honestly trusted and depended on her. She was extremely young to be in the position she was in – having worked for the Black Corporation since she was twenty, she was promoted as soon as she'd graduated a year ago.

If you had told me I'd be interested in the day to day activities of a business person I'd have laughed right in your face. Now, I found it embarrassingly fascinating. Just the inner workings of a business newly opened and how many pieces of the puzzle that had to be maneuvered in just the right way to keep everyone happy – higher ups, employees, guests, contractors.

It reminded me of playing Stratego in my childhood.

And damn if I hadn't found myself not only interested in what she was saying, but I was proud, too. Every time she told me how she proved her boss wrong or solved an unsolvable problem, pride just radiated through my chest. _That's my girl._

My girl.

It was confusing. There was the part of me that was resisting what was rapidly becoming us. The word 'love' was making it into more and more of the lyrics I wrote and the songs I sang. Yet, I found it easy to acknowledge that I could make love to Bella. I mean, a lot of the sex we had was red hot, up against the wall, pawing and ripping clothes off sex, but I couldn't deny the emotion between us when we were together. When it was soft and slow, when she looked me in the eye or when I threaded my hand through hers, I had the oddest feeling – like-

Fuck.

It was like that kid in that American Beauty movie – you know, with the bag? Looking into her eyes while I moved inside her was powerful – and my heart felt like it was expanding almost to the point of pain. Like there was too much beauty in the world and I just couldn't take it.

And it was so much better than a fucking plastic bag in the wind.

Can you make love without being in love? And if you can, what did that mean?

I leaned against the wall, watching her as she returned to making us breakfast. She was wearing one of my poet's shirts. It came down to her knees. She was so beautiful, and I decided I didn't need to know if she was mine yet. I hadn't had a set plan for my life for years now. Mostly, I'd just done what I wanted and I'd been happy. Right now there was a beautiful woman in my kitchen making me a delicious breakfast and I wanted her in my arms. And I knew I could have what I wanted.

So I did.

I strode forward and wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her to my side. "Good morning, sunshine," I greeted, kissing the side of her head and nuzzling my nose against her hair.

"Mmm. Try again. It's noon-fifteen," she said, and I could hear the smile in her voice.

"Noon-fifteen," I repeated, amused. "Isn't there some sort of rule about eggs after lunch?"

She turned in my hold so she could give me a look. "I'll tell you what. You go make a sandwich, and I'll give Emmett your breakfast."

"Darlin'," I growled in her ear, "You know I don't play by the rules, but if you take away my breakfast I'll just have to find something else to eat." I buried my head in her hair, nuzzling my way to her neck where I bit down lightly, making ridiculous animal noises as I pretended to 'devour' her.

"Jasper!" she squealed, giggling and wiggling in my arms.

I maneuvered us so that she was pressed against the counter and kissed her properly. She tasted like she'd already been into the blueberries that she'd stirred into the pancake batter. "Mmm, I changed my mind. I think I _will _have you for lunch," I murmured against her lips, kissing her hungrily now.

"You're insatiable," she accused, but she threw her arms around my neck, pulling me closer.

We kissed slowly - unhurried but intense - for a minute or so before my stomach growled and she giggled against my lips. Pulling back to kiss her forehead, I chuckled. "Alright. Dessert then." I scooped her up into my arms, enjoying the way she tightened her grip on me. "You sit now. I think I can manage the pancakes," I said, depositing her in a chair. I pulled up the other chair and pulled her leg up, propping it up gently. It had been raining the last few days and her leg, the one she'd broken, ached with the cool turn of the weather. I'd already found out that _telling _her to stay off her feet was useless. However, she occasionally let me get away with little maneuvers like that one.

"Thank you," she said quietly.

I turned to the stove, setting the griddle out as I stirred the pancake batter.

I thought about the rain and how it felt like home, but I was startled out of that thought by another door in the house coming open and slamming against the wall hard. I was surprised. Rosalie was never this noisy.

Then I heard a giggle that was definitely Rosalie. Another second, another giggle, and I heard the shower start. Bella and I exchanged a glance but neither of us had a chance to speak before Emmett was suddenly bounding into the room.

In sweatpants and nothing else.

My jaw dropped. I heard Bella make a huffing noise as we both gaped at him.

Emmett stopped short, taking in the looks on both of our faces. He grinned his obnoxiously dimpled grin and waggled his eyebrows. "If you two don't close your mouths, I'm going to take that as an invitation."

Both of our mouths snapped shut with audible clanks of our teeth. I leveled a glare at Emmett. "What the hell are you doing here?" I said before I could think about it.

Predictably, Emmett raised his eyebrows, smiling mischievously. "You want a play by play?"

Bella clapped a hand over her mouth, obviously trying not to giggle. My eyes bounced from her to Emmett and back again. Then I was grinning, too. "Well, how did you pull that off? I thought for sure hell would freeze over before Rosalie would give up the goods."

Bella's snort distracted me and I looked over in time to see her roll her eyes. "Sorry, sugar," I apologized. Crass language between me and the guys was just natural. Bella found it immature and borderline insulting, if not downright vulgar. And I could understand her point. She never asked me to, but I had been trying to watch my mouth more lately, whether she was around or not.

Emmett had given me shit about my attempt to curb my inadvertent objectification of women until I reminded him that he'd been pouring over the damn dictionary for Rosalie and had yet to get a kiss. I got kisses and then some from Bella.

Though, it appeared I no longer had that to hold over his head.

Reaching into the fridge for orange juice, Emmett cocked an arrogant eyebrow at me. "Psshh, bitch. Who could resist this forever?" He indicated to himself.

"I can think of a few people," Bella said dryly.

I chuckled to myself as I slipped our pancakes onto a plate and set it down in front of her. She was already chewing the tip of a piece of bacon she'd set out previously. I carefully lifted her foot to sit in the only other chair in the room and settled it back down on my lap before I reached for the food.

"Where's mine?" Emmett pretended to pout.

"I'm sorry, did you break your hands?" Bella asked sweetly.

"No," Emmett laughed. "May have worn my fingers out, though," he said with a wink.

Bella spit her orange juice out as she choked.

I rubbed her foot comfortingly, trying not to laugh as she coughed and sputtered.

"So what's wrong with your leg, little sister?" Emmett asked.

"Oh, nothing really. It's just the weather," Bella said dismissively.

Emmett snorted sympathetically. "I hate the rain. Messes up any chance to play baseball, or football or…I don't know, anything."

Bella snickered. "You know," she began derisively, "Where I was born it rains almost constantly. Of course, people from over there are of a stronger constitution. We wouldn't think twice about the playing of outdoor sports in the rain."

"Oh, yeah? If you're from a place where it's always cloudy I guess that explains why you're so damn white. Where are you from?"

"Forks, Washington," Bella said with a shrug.

Now it was my turn to choke on my breakfast.

Guffawing, Emmett stepped over to pound helpfully on my back.

"What? What did I say?" Bella asked, wide-eyed and confused.

"Oh, it's nothing," Emmett assured her between chortles. "You're seriously from the same microscopic, BFE nowhere town where Jasper spent the majority of his teen years?"

Bella's eyes shot to mine and the incredulous look on her face made Emmett laugh even harder. "You lived in Forks?" Bella asked.

I nodded as I drank heavily from my glass of orange juice to soothe my sore throat.

"My dad moved us there when I was fourteen," I rasped.

Bella pressed her lips together, holding back a giggle. "That coincides with the summer I stopped going up there to see him. We vacationed together in California a couple of weeks a year instead." Her smile grew wistful. "Wow, think about it. If I had actually moved there like I was supposed to, we would have gone to high school together. Technically."

I scoffed. "Then it's just as well you didn't." I grinned at her lazily. "Juniors don't mix with Freshman, darlin'."

Bella shrugged. "I was a gangly little thing anyway."

"Somehow, I doubt that," I murmured, massaging her foot again.

"You know what I just realized?" Emmett asked reminding us that he was still in the room. "It's strange – but none of us are really from Texas. Even Rosalie was born in New York. And this fucker," he gestured at me, "was raised on the west coast."

Bella furrowed her eyebrows. "You're not from here, Emmett?"

"Nah," Emmett replied. "I'm from Tennessee, actually."

"Well, how did you end up here?" Bella asked.

"Me? I'm a drifter, I guess. I kind of just…go where the wind takes me, so to speak," Emmett mused. He scratched the underside of his chin with a surprisingly thoughtful expression. "You know, since I turned eighteen and left home, I think this is the longest I've been in once place."

"Getting restless?" I asked out of curiosity. Emmett was right about him being a drifter. We'd spent many a drunken night laughing our ass off at his stories of life on the road.

Emmett's smile became uncharacteristically gentle as he looked off to where Rosalie was stepping into the room. "Right now? I'm right where I want to be."

Looking over, I saw Bella was smiling at me shyly. "Yeah," I said, looking only at her. "I second that."

***

It took Emmett and Rosalie hinting not so subtly that they wanted some alone time before Bella finally took the hint and let me drag her out of the house. Though she protested that a little rain wasn't going to hurt her, I still held an umbrella over her head as we walked to her car.

Surprisingly, she walked to the passenger door, handing me the keys as I opened the door for her. I didn't comment, but I took the keys and sprinted to my side of the car. "Where to, darlin'?"

Bella shrugged. "Maybe we could go to the Science and History museum," she said. I could tell she was trying to be nonchalant, but I could also see she was she was biting her lip and staring out the window and away from me.

That made me stop short. Bella knew I loved the Corpus Christi Science and History Museum. Their historical exhibits were top notch and I even had a membership. But it was so close to the bay that I knew it made her uncomfortable. Not that I wasn't keen on the idea of her clinging to me as she often did when she was nervous about her proximity to the water, but it was odd that she would deliberately choose to be uncomfortable on a lazy, rainy Saturday.

Which meant one thing: she was stalling. She didn't want to go to her place.

Because Jacob Black was at her place.

I tapped on the steering wheel, pursing my lips and deliberating. She obviously wasn't ready to talk to me about him and I didn't want to push her. Well, I really did want to push her, but I was trying to control my urge.

I did have somewhere that I had wanted to take her though. I had been putting it off because it felt too intimate…too meaningful when I didn't know what I really meant, yet. Then again, if I did what I was planning, maybe I could convince her to let me in on whatever the deal was with Jacob.

I looked over at the beautiful girl by my side and I let out a shaky breath. _Fuck it._

"I've got a better idea," I said as I started the car and backed out of the driveway. "Let's go see Peter."

***

Although it made me _feel_ alive, being in a band didn't realistically earn enough money for me to actually make a living. All of the guys had day jobs except Emmett. Emmett was independently wealthy, not that you'd know it. The fucker lived about as lightly as anyone I'd ever seen. Even the drums he used to play weren't his but an old, worn out set that one of the other guys owned back when we all met.

Luckily for me, I was good with my hands. I'd picked up a variety of skills after moving out here. As a local in Corpus, where much of the population was seasonal, it was easy to pick up odd jobs that paid in cash. I'd learned light carpentry from Garrett and often spent weekdays mending fences and the like for all the vacation home owners getting their places ready for vacationers. Riley actually had a steady gig doing hour long harbor cruises. He let me pick up shifts working the concession stand in the boat.

And Peter. Peter had a fairly lucrative business selling custom made blown glass pieces to tourists. Now, tourists were always prone to buying pretty things when they were away from home, but honestly, you didn't need to be a tourist to appreciate his work. His pieces were worthy of some flowery word. Like resplendent. Something like that.

It was several years ago that he found I had an aptitude for the work. It was painstaking, but I was patient. And I was good at it. Whenever I had time or the inkling, I would go to Peter's shop and work. He would sell my creations, keeping only a small bit of the asking price to replace the material I'd used. It was good money for work that really wasn't work to me.

"Hey, Jasper. Bella," Peter called to us from the safety of the porch as we got out of the car. I had the keys to the shop, but I was glad he and Charlotte were home.

"Peter. Hey. This isn't a bad time, is it?" I asked.

"Not at all," Peter responded with an easy grin. He opened the door for us. "Char's just in the shower. I was about to start lunch."

"No problem, man. I was just going to show Bella the shop. Is that alright?"

"Yeah, yeah. Not a problem. You know what I've told you. Anytime you want to get in there, help yourself." Peter turned to Bella. "You know, his pieces practically fly off the shelf. I've been telling him he could make a good living off of this stuff alone if he'd concentrate on it."

I rolled my eyes because this argument was old. "And I keep telling you, I need inspiration to create something and if I'm going to do it, I'd rather make beautiful music with your pretty ass."

Bella looked back and forth between us, amused. "Should I leave you two alone? You know, I don't want to interrupt a good bro-mance."

I grabbed her hand, pulling her to my side. "Come on, woman."

"Does Emmett know you're cheating on him?" Bella said in a stage whisper.

Bella followed me and I got nervous. It wasn't that I was afraid to share this part of myself with her. I was proud of my work and I knew she would enjoy it.

It was the item I had in a velvet lined box with Bella's name on it that was making me a mite tetchy.

Pushing that aside, I walked Bella through the process of glass blowing, showing her the combination of free-blowing and mold-blowing that Peter and I used. I let her see the furnace and how I shaped the heated glass.

I let her blow on the blowpipe without making filthy comments. Because I was a proper Southern gentleman, of course.

She looked over the shelves of finished and cooling pieces with wide eyes. "These are so beautiful," she said, staring at one shelf in particular.

I felt my chest swell with pride and pleasure that she picked that shelf to stare at. "Those are mine."

Bella's eyes shot to me in surprise, and I knew I was grinning like a moron. "These are amazing, Jasper."

My heartbeat sped because I knew she had given me the perfect opening and I had to take it. "Well, I'm glad you like them because I have something for you," I blurted, stupidly nervous. I picked up a small box from the end of the shelf and set it in her hands. She looked at me, curious and I stared back with a tentative smile. "It's nothing really," I mumbled, shrugging and running my hands through my hair self consciously.

She took the lid off the box and she gasped.

It was a purely decorative piece. A pedestal adorned with vines and roses and with a delicate 'B' atop. "You can't say I never gave you roses."

Her eyes twitched and she winced only slightly before she masked the face. I frowned. "You don't like it?"

"No! No. Jasper. It's ... so beautiful. I'm just... in awe, that's all. You made this?" she asked, fingering one of the roses.

"You can take it out, you know," I said gently.

She stared at me. "Are you kidding me? I feel like I'm going to break this just looking at it. If I take it out it will last all of thirty seconds before I trip. Guaranteed."

At that I had to laugh because it was probably true. Poor girl tripped more than her fair share.

I liked it when she fell into my arms.

Bella put the box down and wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling my face toward hers. I thought it was just going to be a simple kiss but no, Bella surprised me. As she darted her tongue in my mouth she ground her hips slightly against mine. I moaned against her lips and put my hands on her ass to pull her closer against me.

_I will not have sex in Peter's shop. I will not have sex in Peter's shop. DAMN, I want to fuck Bella in Peter's shop._

Somehow, I made it out of the shop without throwing Bella down on the floor and having my way with her. Glass, I kept reminding myself. There were a lot of tiny figments of broken glass all around. Naked cock + glass dust + bumping and grinding = not gonna happen, thank you very fucking much.

When we got to the kitchen Peter was almost done with lunch. Charlotte took Bella aside to talk about some book she was reading. Something about watering elephants. Who knows. I went to help Peter, and by help I mean I went to go stand on his side of the kitchen and stare while he made grilled cheese sandwiches.

"You showed her," Peter said quietly to me, gesturing over his shoulder to where Bella and Charlotte sat talking. The box with my gift sat on the table between them.

"I did." I responded, leaning back against the counter so I could watch her over the glass of sweet tea Peter had put in my hands.

When I glanced back at him, Peter was watching me a lot closer than he was watching the grilled cheese in the pan. "You're in love with that girl, you know," he said with an easy grin.

"Oh yeah?" I asked, feigning nonchalance even though my heart was beating in 2/2 time and my stomach had done this weird twisty, half pleasurable lurch. "How did you come to that conclusion?"

Peter snickered, seeing through my facade easily enough. "I can feel it. You radiate it. Like this happy little…love bubble."

I fixed him with a look. "Love bubble. Are you a hippy? Did we time travel back to the sixties while I wasn't aware?"

Of course, Peter knew I was just trying to distract him. He gave me a knowing look. "Don't be scared, man. It's a good thing. Wild, wild ride."

I sighed because I hadn't argued with Peter or denied the fact I was in love with Bella. I tossed the words around in my head, marveling at how well and right they felt now that someone had said them out loud.

Peter chuckled at me and turned to lean against the counter beside me, taking his eyes off the grilled cheese and looking on his wife the way I was looking at Bella. "A whole new world just opened up for you. Plans. Cohabitation." His smile twitched in the oddest way. The look in his eyes became ...light somehow. Tender. Almost wondering. "Kids," he said with an odd timbre of reverence.

I glanced between him and Charlotte. She was grinning back at him, that same soft smile as she spoke to Bella. She was...glowing. "No. Really? Really?" Peter looked at me, knowing I had figured it out. He grinned wider than I think I'd ever seen him. "Man. That's great. That's amazing. You're the guy." I clapped him on the back, nothing but happy for him.

He gave me a modest shrug, but I could see the happiness in his eyes. "So it would seem."

"You're going to be a daddy. That's. Wow. That's really something. Well, congratulations man," I told him, grinning. He was going to be an amazing father.

"This girl's a keeper, you know. It could be you sooner than you think," Peter said quietly, nodding slightly at Bella.

I didn't answer because images and wants I'd never had before suddenly started dancing around in my head. Peter chuckled at the slightly shell shocked look on my face. "Just let it happen, man."

***

When we left Peter and Charlotte's, Bella again let me drive. This time, it was obvious she was trying to butter me up.

As I suspected, she softly requested we drive to her place. Then she told me that Jacob was home and wanted to meet me.

"Why do I feel like this is worse than meeting your father?" I asked half serious and half trying to ease the tension in the car.

Bella smiled. "My dad has a gun." She sighed. "Jacob is great, really. He's just of the opinion that no one is good enough for me."

"Besides him, you mean," I read between the lines.

"It's not like that, Jasper," she protested. "Really, it's not. He wants me to be happy." She smiled, putting her hand over mine on the shifter. I flipped my hand and threaded our fingers together. "When he sees that I'm happy, he'll be fine. I think you might like him, even."

I pursed my lips, the pleasure at her words overriding my annoyance at Jacob's existence. "You're happy then? With me, I mean?" I asked quietly, glancing at her out of the corner of my eye.

"That's a bit of an understatement," she said, and I could hear the tenderness in her voice.

Buoyed, I was considerably less irritated with the whole situation. By the time we got to her place, I felt almost over confident and entirely in control. If anyone was going to flip out, it was gonna be him. Or so I kept telling myself anyway.

Jacob Black turned out to be a lot more intimidating in person than I had imagined, not that I showed it. He was taller and broader than I was. Of course, he put on the macho, alpha male pissing act, making sure to tower above me and doing the whole handshake of death thing. Bella glared at him, but I held my own. I think we were both wincing by the time we let go.

"You have a thing for guys with long hair, don't you?" Jacob asked. Where was he going with this? His hair was longer than mine. "Blond ringlets. You sure can pick 'em."

Excuse me? My hair was not even remotely close to what you would call ringlets. I was about to retort when Bella squeezed my arm. "Really, Jacob? That guy you set me up with? James? He had hair that rivaled Fabio."

Jacob grimaced at that. "I'm sorry about him. You know, you've been working so hard and not getting out at all. And when I spoke to him, he seemed…I don't know, like a charming Southern gentleman."

"Well, don't be sorry," I interrupted. "If you hadn't set her up with him, we wouldn't have met. So, I guess I have you to thank for that."

For a long moment Jacob glared at me, and then his scowl turned into a goofy grin and he doubled over laughing. "Oh, I like him, Bells."

I looked over at Bella, slightly confused, and she rolled her eyes. "Thank God you were joking; I was _this_ close to punching you in the face."

"Pffft," Jacob responded, straightening and pulling her into a quick bear hug. I gritted my teeth to keep back the urge I had to rip her right out of his arms. "If you punched me, you'd probably break your hand."

"Can't! Breathe! Jake!" she squealed, muffled against his chest. He set her down and she immediately molded herself to my side, making me feel infinitely better.

As it turned out, Jacob was actually not as bad as I imagined. He had an easy going nature and a sense of humor I found myself grudgingly enjoying. He radiated warmth, and he made Bella laugh. There was nothing wrong with that, for sure.

Besides, the entire time we spoke, Bella sat at my side and kept her hand on my knee. I kept my hand running up and down her back or shoulders. And she didn't look at him the same way she looked at me.

It wasn't always easy, but it wasn't as uncomfortable as all that.

The conversation turned to how Jacob's stay in Seattle had been.

"Oh, Bells. The _worst _thing happened when I was down there." He turned to me before he continued. "I have older sisters - Rachel and Rebecca. Rebecca and her husband work at the resort in Hawaii and Rachel works down in Seattle."

He turned back to Bella. "So, I go in to her office one day, right? And I'm noticing she's all flushed and flustered. So, being the concerned little brother I am -"

Bella snorted and Jacob smirked at her. "I go over to her desk, trying to feel her forehead, you know? And I say, 'It looks like you're running a fever, sis.' I figured she must've had porn or something embarrassing on her computer screen. But she started waving me off and stuttering like mad. Then..." he trailed off, sighing dramatically and putting a hand over his eyes.

"What?" Bella prompted eagerly.

Jacob peaked out from behind his hand. "I got close enough to the desk to see this long pair of legs sticking out from underneath it."

Bella gasped. "No!" she giggled.

"No, Bells. It's not funny. It's bad. _So _bad."

Instantly, Bella's face fell into a look of concern. "What is it Jacob?"

"Paul."

Bella's jaw dropped. I'd have found it comical if I wasn't so irrationally irritated by the whole, familiar exchange. It was oddly infuriating feeling this far out of the loop. "No!" Bella gasped.

Jacob nodded solemnly. Again, noting my frown, he filled in the blanks. "Paul is this kid I grew up with. Biggest pain in the ass you've ever met. Obnoxious too, and if you knew me, you'd know that's saying something." Jacob rolled his eyes. "Rachel swears up and down that he's a rehabilitated asshole, but I don't believe that for a second."

They talked and laughed together as it struck me that Bella knew his family and his history just as he, obviously, knew hers. It was a huge difference between our interactions.

When it came to family, I didn't really want Bella to know my mother's side. Besides Rosalie, I wasn't close to any of them, and a few, like my mother and Aunt Nettie, had definite alcohol problems. It was one of the reasons that Rosalie and I had struck out for Corpus Christi shortly after I arrived in Houston.

On the other hand, my dad's side of the family was warm and welcoming. I knew without a doubt that my mom, the woman who raised me most my life, would _love_ Bella instantly.

I was still tossing these facts around when we left her place to return to mine. She was going to drop me off and come back home for the night.

"You're really okay with me spending time with Jacob?" Bella asked skeptically.

I laughed. "Bella, if I wasn't okay with it, would that stop you from doing it?"

She smirked, a little sheepish. "No," she conceded.

"Exactly. I know you well enough, darlin'. That's one of the things I love about you. You know exactly who you are and you're not going to let some idiot guy tell you what to do," I chuckled. "Not even me."

She was blinking at me, a little wide-eyed with the strangest expression on her face. I realized belatedly that the word love, sneaky fucking bastard, had made its way into the conversation. I felt that fluttery nervousness that had been plaguing me all day.

"I'm not cool with it," I confessed, hoping to distract her. "It's impossible for me to be completely comfortable. He's seen you naked. He could be picturing you naked anytime he wants. And you live with him."

She smiled gently. "I don't wander around naked when he's in the house," she joked.

"I know that," I assured her. "Really, I do. Don't worry too much about me. I'll get over it."

We were silent for another few minutes as she played with the fingers of my right hand. I could almost feel the atmosphere in the car shift, and when I looked at her she had a slightly pensive expression on her face.

"What's wrong, doll?"

She sighed. "I was just thinking…about how strange it is that we didn't know that we both lived in Forks."

Oh. "That's my fault, I guess. I don't talk about my family much," I said, a little sad.

"I've been curious," Bella admitted. "But, I figured that there was probably a reason why you didn't talk about them. And if you can talk about your biological mother, I figured that it was probably pretty bad. You don't even have a picture of them." When I didn't speak right away she rushed to assure me, "You don't have to tell me."

I sighed. "I didn't know you were thinking that. It's actually the opposite."

I stared straight ahead as we drove. "My parents are great people, and I had a very happy childhood. They never tried to keep from me the fact that I had family here in Texas, but for the most part, I wasn't interested.

"Then the accident happened and I came here. I already felt guilty about it. Like – I had an amazing mom already, and I'd hate it if she thought she wasn't enough for me. She really is. And then, you know, I bailed on an education they were paying for." I shrugged, a little disgruntled with myself. Admitting these things out loud made me feel horrible.

"I don't know," I continued with a sigh. "You know, my dad was always my idol. I wanted to be exactly like him, but my family in Houston did not have the same view point as I did. I told you that alcoholism runs in both sides of my family? Well, the guy they'd met, albeit briefly, was a side of him that I never knew. He, my mother and my aunt had hung out for the better part of a week, and they were not impressed. Hypocritical, I know, given who they are, but it is what it is.

"Anyway, it was hard to think about my dad the way they described him. Then, you know, the custody battle over me must have been pretty ruthless. They hate him. I mean, they _really_ hate him.

"I didn't believe everything, of course, but it was hard to reconcile these two very different views. I stopped calling home for a while. I don't know why. I guess I felt guilty that I was getting to know these people who hate him so much. I didn't come home that first Christmas. Then I moved here and, you know, holidays are a busy time – you get more people in to see the band. Days turned into weeks which turned into months…and I'm just…estranged from them, I guess." Even I could hear the sadness in my voice.

"You don't even talk to them?" Bella asked, and I could hear sadness but no judgment in her tone.

"Every once in a while I do. When they call and I catch it."

God, I felt like a horse's ass. I spent the rest of the drive brooding just a little. It was one of those things that had inadvertently gotten so big that the rift I myself had created between me and my family seemed, to me, like a chasm.

Bella squeezed my hand, drawing me out of my morose thoughts. "We'll figure it out," she promised. "Maybe we can see them when I go visit my dad during the holidays?"

I smiled then because, even though the holidays were months away, having plans that included Bella at my side made me feel incredibly happy. I imagined introducing her to my parents - imagined the happy grin on my mom's face. "I could do that. I'd like that," I said quietly.

When we got to my place I pulled her to me for a goodnight hug and a very thorough goodnight kiss, running my hands up and down her body as I held her to me. Right as she was about to pull away, I caught her face in my hands. "Bella," I whispered, letting the tender and adoring emotions overwhelm my nerves. "I love you."

She blinked at me for one moment before a radiant smile spread across her face. She pulled me back down to her, kissing me hard and long, and when we were both breathless, she looked me right in the eye. "I love you, too."

**A/N: The whole time I was writing this chapter I was hearing Jackson in my head. We had a ten second conversation about the rain. I was hanging out in the lobby of this kick ass pub after a kick ass 100 Monkeys set. Lobby was empty except for me and a friend and the dude selling merch. The front door opens and in walks Jackson and Ben G. Two fucking feet in front of me. Ben G: (shaking off the rain) Man. It's wet. Me: Yeah, I hear that's what happens when it rains. Jackson: (giving me that fucking DAZZLING grin of his) I like it. It never rains like this in Texas. Me: (Something my friend assures me was intelligible but at that point my brain had fucking melted).**

**::thud....picks self off ground:: Anywho. Jackson, I lived in Texas for three years. It rains just like that every once in a while so.... that's what's happening in this chapter and I'm sticking to it. Neener.**

**Couple quick things. I have a Twilighted thread! I'm so happy. You can find a link to it in my profile or use this link: twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=9670 I'll be posting teasers and answering questions there. :D **

**Second, I do some beta work for bored of eternity's story A Mean Cycle. Give it a looksee if you are so inclined. Australian Bella.**

**Love to Dizzygrl28 for uberleet beta skillz of madness. And JadedandBoring for being so fucking awesome.**

**Team Jasper - Talk to me, my lovlies.**

**Team Edward - our boy's up next. Are you excited? Filled with trepidation? Lemme know!**


	7. A World I Wish I Was In

**Chapter 6: A World I Wish I Was In**

**A/N: Do me a favor and come at all these characters with an open mind. Team Jasper, mind the A/N at the end.  
**  
**Disclaimer: These characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

_**"I looked into your eyes and saw**_  
_**a world that does not exist**_  
_** I looked into your eyes and saw**_  
_**A world I wish I was in**_  
_**I'll never find some quite as touched as you**_  
_**I'll never love some quite the way**_  
_**that I loved you**_,"

_**- Touched, Vast**_

**EPOV**

"Edward! Hey, Edward!"

I came to a halt and turned toward the sound of the quick footfalls that were echoing through the halls. That was one of the things about museums. It didn't matter how many things you packed in them, they always echoed.

Especially when someone was running. "Slow down, Seth. Jeez, you're worse than the kids that come in here," I chuckled as my co-worker, fellow museum docent Seth Clearwater, skidded to a stop, a sheepish expression on his face. As docents at Burke Museum of Natural History and Culture in Seattle, we were both used to telling the kids that came through here on school trips not to run around the priceless and delicate artifacts that surrounded us. "What's up?"

"You're wanted upstairs," Seth said, a little grandly.

I raised an eyebrow at his tone. "Mr. Scarpinato's office?"

Seth nodded eagerly and I had to work not to smile at his somewhat awed expression. The kid had only started working here a month ago and I'd be blind not to see that he idolized me. I had covered for him on a potentially huge mess that could have cost him his job fairly early on and since then he had followed me around like a puppy. He was a good kid, so I didn't mind at all, but he also thought I could do no wrong.

I don't care how secure or good you are at your job, getting called into the big boss' office was terrifying. It wasn't always a good thing. "I have a group coming in at ten," I hedged, though I knew that Seth was just the messenger.

The boy shook his head, his shaggy hair falling into his eyes. "No. He told me to take them. You're to report upstairs to him a.s.a.p."

I sighed and nodded, feeling my throat tighten a bit in trepidation. Aro Scarpinato was the museum's director and he was a tough one to get a read on. I was typically good at figuring people out but he was a little all over the place. When he was talking about the collections or exhibits here at the museum, or ones that he was interested in obtaining, his face would light up just like a child who'd discovered something new. He loved most every artifact in the entire museum, and the story that it told, almost as much as he adored his children. On the other hand, he could be borderline ruthless when it came to obtaining the pieces he wanted for his museum.

I was good at my job and I enjoyed the work. Aro had found me after noticing how many of the museums lectures I attended. When I had been able to keep up with him in discussing the exhibits, he'd been impressed. He offered me a job in the museum's store promising that I could work my way up. That was five years ago when I was twenty. While I didn't think I'd done anything that would - how did he usually put it - _disappoint_ him, one could never tell with Aro.

"Mr. Scarpinato? You asked to see me?" I asked, knocking on his open door to get his attention.

He looked up and grinned at me. Well, that was a good sign.

_Man, his grin is beyond creepy._

"Edward, my boy. You can drop the Mr. Scarpinato business. I don't know how many times I have to tell you," he said excitedly.

He pushed his chair back and stood, brushing past me and back out into the hallway. "Come with me. I have something to show you."

I followed obediently, letting some of my anxiety ease. It couldn't possibly be bad if he was this giddy about something.

"Was it not a lecture about Greek history where I first found you?" Aro mused aloud as we walked.

I nodded slowly. "Greek mythology is actually my primary interest. My specialty, I suppose," I said easily. "To understand a religion, understanding history is important. At least in my belief."

"It's an excellent rule of thumb, I would say," Aro agreed. "I have many interests, but I think you'll agree when I say the Greeks never fail to fascinate."

I nodded my enthusiastic agreement.

We had arrived at what I knew to be the warehouse - a large room that was kept cool to help preserve all the artifacts that were either not suitable or not yet ready to be displayed. I gave Aro a surprised look as docents were not typically invited back into this space. By his answering smile, he knew just what an honor he was bestowing on me.

I followed Aro to where a few crates were resting unobtrusively off to one side. Aro opened one of the crates and then opened the foam packed container the crate held. Inside that container were a number of ancient artifacts - dishes. My eyes nearly bugged out of my head.

"Oh my God," I exclaimed, unable to keep in my response. "These are amazing. This collection...I know of it." I stared up at Aro. "This is the collection that was dug up only a few years ago. These pieces are estimated to be from about 400 to 300 B.C." I said, though I knew that Aro had to know that. "Almost every museum in the world was bidding on these."

Aro's smile looked gleeful, almost like a child who'd gotten away with something big. "Yes, well, when I want something I know how to get it, my boy. You'll come to find that out."

"I believe you," I murmured, my eyes wandering over the truly stunning pieces in front of me. I'd often thought that it was lucky that Aro's interests ran to historical artifacts. If he collected talented people say, he would have all the makings of an evil mastermind.

Handing me a box with prophylactic gloves, Aro put his own on as his hands danced over the artifacts, deciding which one to pick up first. He finally decided on a vase from the padding and turned it carefully in his hands. Three figures could be made out quite clearly. "Now," Aro said, "Can you identify these figures?"

I glanced at him once before leaning forward, studying the beautiful piece for just a moment before I spoke. "The one here with the bull's feet is Dionysus," I identified the god of wine who, incidentally and amusingly to me, was also the god of ecstasy and incited madness. I suppose I could see how those three could relate. I pointed to the other, male figure. "Pan, the lecherous god of shepherds," I said, amused again. "Which would make this Echo," I pointed to the hooded nymph that faced them. "She is drawn with a hood frequently and often associated with Pan."

Aro grinned, nodding his approval. "Very good. Very good indeed." He pointed his chin at a plate with other figures on it. "Go ahead, you can pick it up."

Lifting the dish carefully, I looked at the faded images with a small, wistful smile. "Eris and the golden apple of discord," I whispered simply. My heart lurched painfully in my chest as I recounted the same myth that I'd told Bella years before.

As I settled the dish back into its foam resting place, Aro looked pleased. "Your powers of retention are truly astounding, Edward." He closed the case and locked it carefully before ushering me back out of the warehouse.

"I'm thinking of a new exhibit," Aro began as we walked back toward his office. "The center, of course, would be those wonderful artifacts, but you know we also have those Norse pieces."

"Mythology in art and artifacts?" I asked.

"Something to that effect. Edward," he said, stopping outside of his office to put his hands on my shoulders. I waited. "I want you to be curator over this exhibit."

I know for a fact that my eyes bulged out of my head for a minute before I contained the giddy school boy within. Aro caught it though and he laughed quietly. "I'll take that as a yes then."

When I got out of work that day I was still riding a high. I'd spent the day with Aro discussing and making plans for the new exhibit. It had been a long time since I'd been this excited about something. This was big deal in the museum world. Definitely something to celebrate.

To that end, I turned the opposite direction of my apartment.

There was a bar and restaurant a few blocks down that had fantastic food. Cooking for one was a pain, so I ate there or got my meal to go fairly frequently.

"Hey, Edward," my favorite bartender, Brandy, greeted me as I walked in the door. "Eating in or out today?"

"Out," I replied, hopping up on the barstool.

"What'll it be?" she asked, setting a glass of cherry flavored sprite in front of me.

"Whatever the chef has on special is fine. Oh, and desert too. Your cheesecake is delicious," I said, patting my stomach already in anticipation.

Brandy raised an amused eyebrow at me. "Celebrating?"

"Yes, actually. I got a promotion. Curator," I said, letting my grin spread over my face.

"Well, that is truly excellent! Congratulations." She smiled at me. "What are you ordering in for? You should go out."

My smile faltered. "Brandy," I said warningly.

She sighed but put a hand up in a surrendering motion. "I know, I know. You're just such a recluse. Don't you have friends who'll go out and celebrate with you?"

I frowned at her. "I have friends. Just, their idea of celebrating would include a lot of alcohol. You know that's not my scene." I took a swig of the delicious cherry sprite, staring at her over the glass pointedly.

She smiled. "You could even stay here. You know, it's open mic night. That's either really great or really, _really_ hilarious," she said, gesturing with her chin to the small stage off to the left of the bar.

I grimaced. "If I wanted to watch people butcher music I'd watch High School Musical."

Brandy pretended to gasp in surprise. "You know you harbor a secret love for the Zefron. I think you don't go out because you're saving yourself for him. That's my theory anyway."

Suppressing a shudder, I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, that must be it."

"You liked '17 Again'," she said in a taunting voice causing me to do a spit take all over the bar.

She giggled, cleaning up my mess as I coughed and sputtered. "First of all, I liked '17 Again' because Thomas Lennon is a comic genius. He's the only reason I saw the movie in the first place. Secondly, you promised never to mention that," I growled, leaning close and speaking as lowly as possible.

"No one heard me," she said, rolling her eyes a little. "Bartender code. What's said at my bar, stays at my bar." She plopped a handful of cherries in my drink – a silent apology.

She knew my weakness. I loved those little cherries.

I plucked one up out of the glass and popped it in my mouth, savoring the syrupy sweetness. "Besides, I'm too keyed up to go out. I have an exhibit to plan. Someone has to figure out how the exhibit walks."

Brandy stood with her hands on her hips, staring at me with a wry look. "Sounds fascinating." She leaned on the bar to get in my face. "You're an intelligent, attractive, occasionally funny man, E. You need a social life."

"I don't have time for a social life," I said flippantly. "Do you know how many things there are to know about this world? I mean, what I do is fascinating."

"You know, that boss of yours somehow manages his work and he has a wife and kids," she pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. "Doesn't count. He has twins. For all you know they had sex just the once and she probably had to jump him. Actually, that would explain a lot. His wife, Sulpicia, is an ice queen. She's not very nice."

Brandy chuckled. "Ever the gentleman. That's Edward code for she's a raving bitch."

"Yeah, well, you said it. I didn't."

A few minutes later, Brandy came out of the back carrying two bags. I eyed her questioningly. "These are on the house," she said, settling the bags on the bar in front of me. "Providing that you find someone to share them with."

"You're a pushy brat, you know that?" I snapped.

She grinned. "I know. You're welcome, and congratulations."

She walked off without another word to take an order at the other end of the bar while I scowled at the two bags.

Then I sighed, giving in. Taking my phone out of my pocket, I fired off a quick text message before grabbing both bags and heading outside.

A half an hour later I was sitting on the balcony of my apartment looking out over the city, thoroughly immersed in a beautiful fantasy.

Any psychologist would have had a field day with me, but the truth of the matter was that I was as adjusted as I was ever going to be.

The trouble with my situation was that it was impossible to explain to anyone. I had tried only once with my parents the day they found me in California. Though they had helped me look for Bella, I knew that they had never truly understood what I lost the day she died. They attributed my connection to her - this girl I didn't really even know - to the trauma of going through a disaster.

I mourned her alone, because literally no one, at least no one I could find anyway, knew what the world had lost that day. There was no one to reminisce with even – those small comforts that people found when a loved one died. And I couldn't explain it rationally, so I stopped trying.

After my parents, I'd only ever told one person about Bella.

All those things that people said about the hurt getting better with time were liars. The pain of losing her, of losing a future that I'd held in my hands for minutes, never lessened. I certainly didn't get over it and, if you wanted the honest truth about it, I didn't _want_ to get over it. I hadn't ever had a girlfriend, nor did I have any desire to look for one. I threw myself into my studies, and after I found a job at the museum, I'd thrown myself into the work.

For all intents and purposes, I was happy.

I sighed softly to myself, slipping my hand in the pocket of the coat I wore. My fingers closed around the familiar object I'd been carrying around all day. I took it out, staring at it as if it held any more answers than it had the last six years.

I carried around Bella's mother's watch on special occasions. The anniversary of the day we met, the day she died, on days when I needed to feel closer to her, like my birthday, and every day from August 23 to September 22.

Bella had mentioned she was a Virgo, but we'd never talked about her actual birth date, so I carried the watch every day during that time. It was September 5th now. I was glad I had it on me today of all days.

Maybe it was pathetic, but I always imagined what it would be like if Bella was here, celebrating all the important moments of my life with me. My fantasies were so detailed that after Aro had let me out of his office, my first thought was that I wished I could call her and tell her the good news.

Even after all this time, even though I knew it was faintly ridiculous, Bella was still the one I wanted to share my life with. If I couldn't have her, and obviously I couldn't, I wasn't delusional, I was honestly not interested in sharing it with anyone else. It was a decision I'd made a long time ago and I was at peace with it. I wasn't lonely, or sad. I didn't wish I had someone to celebrate with – just her. Always her.

Not even my parents knew about my daydreams. They would want to fix me. I didn't want to be fixed. I was happy the way I was. There was nothing wrong with being a permanent bachelor, and there was plenty else in the world to think about and learn about besides having a relationship.

Still, I was a human male and all my parts worked just fine. College had proved impossible to get through without girls, and a smattering of boys for that matter, throwing themselves at me. Which wasn't me being a snob or anything - sex was just a constant presence.

I had some sex. It was all empty. Meaningless. Just a release.

Some of the girls had been really sweet and smart. We had some good conversations, even some good times. It never really went further than that though.

Eventually, the casual sex thing got complicated. Though I was always clear with what I wanted, some of my partners said they were on the same page when they actually wanted different things. Never one who enjoyed making girls cry, I just started avoiding the sexual side of my nature altogether.

I started to attend extra lectures instead of going to parties. I spent as much time as possible just absorbing the fascinating world around me.

The day Aro offered me a job at the museum, I'd gone to a nearby park after we finished talking. I was sitting on a picnic table carefully tossing Bella's mother's watch from hand to hand and having the most ridiculous daydreams of her squeal of delight when I told her about the job. I imagined her arms around my neck and the kisses she would rain on my face.

The ever present feeling of loss was bad that day and I suppose my face reflected the dull ache that radiated in my chest. Still, I was more than a little surprised when the wood I was sitting on shifted under the weight of another body.

I looked up to find a gorgeous, leggy, strawberry-blond sitting next to me on the table and smiling this half seductive, half sympathetic smile. Looking back, the coquettish expression on her face was just what she was used to – how she was used to speaking to men. At the time it made me cringe inwardly.

"You are sad," the blond observed in a thick, Russian accent. "It is a lovely day. You are a nice looking man. You should not be sad."

Despite the lilt in her voice I could see she was being earnest in her want to comfort me and that disarmed me somewhat. "Nice looks are, unfortunately, not a cure for sadness."

She surprised me by laughing, a full bodied laugh that that echoed with the richness of her voice. "Tell me something I don't know." She shook her head. "My name is Tanya, by the way. Tanya Ivanov."

"Edward Cullen," I returned, not for the first time feeling a tiny tinge of bitterness that it couldn't have been so easy with Bella. I smiled softly and continued staring down at the watch in my hands.

Tanya was silent for a few moments. "That is a woman's watch."

I nodded but didn't offer any other explanation.

When I chanced a look over, Tanya had tilted her head and was studying me with a curious expression. "I am a good listener," she said easily. "Sometimes it is good to talk."

I don't know what it was. Maybe I had just held the secret for too long and I wanted it to come out. Maybe it was because I missed Bella too much in that moment and I needed to talk to someone. Whatever it was, I told Tanya about Bella. I told her everything about that day, how we'd met, what it felt like. I told her about the fantasies.

Tanya didn't think it was pathetic. Instead of telling me how I needed to move on or needed to let go, she pulled a chain from around her neck. At the end of the gold chain was a thick looking ring.

She told me a story of how her father had left her mother when he found out she was pregnant. Tanya had been born to Sasha, and the first fourteen years of her life it was just the two of them. Then Sasha had given birth to twin girls, Irina and Katrina. Their father hadn't stuck around either and Tanya had always been more like a second mother to the twins than a big sister.

Then, when the twins were two, Sasha became pregnant again. The man she was with at the time, Felix, was not at all pleased and demanded she get an abortion. Sasha refused and gave birth to a boy she named Vasilli. When the baby was three months old, Felix had killed both the boy and Sasha.

Tanya, Irina and Katrina were sent here to Seattle where her distant relatives Carmen and Eleazar lived. Tanya had helped raise Irina and Katrina for the last ten years.

She said that, just as I talked to Bella, she talked to her mother every day – especially when Irina or Katrina were being difficult. When she'd graduated from college a few years previous, she imagined that her mother was in the audience with a proud smile on her face.

Like me, she had no interested in dating. To her, men could not be trusted, and how could anyone blame her for her opinion? She admitted to me that she pursued men, but only for mutual pleasure. She was only with men she could dominate.

Except for me.

We were equals. That was the nice part of the arrangement. With each other we knew we could let our guard down and be ourselves. We were both young, and though neither of us had any desire to be tied down to another person, we still had all the normal, physical urges. So, whenever either of us had the inkling, we gave into those urges.

It was nice. Good. Fun, even. She knew how to make me feel good and had always praised my performance highly. We brought each other pleasure and physical release and never expected anything of each other besides that.

So, about forty-five minutes after I'd texted her, my daydreams about Bella were interrupted by Tanya's knock on my door.

I greeted her with a hug and she kissed my cheeks in return. Over the dinner I'd kept warm in the oven, I told her about the new job. Tanya was excited for me, and that was nice too.

After we'd polished off the generous portions of cheesecake, Tanya came to my side of the table and straddled me, wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing me without preamble. Her mouth was sweet from the cheesecake and she smelled pleasantly of whatever perfume she wore.

I let myself get lost in the sensations, just like she did. I never thought about Bella when Tanya and I were together. Even though I'd never gotten the chance to make love to Bella, I knew that it wouldn't have been the same. Tanya and I were no more than good friends with benefits, but no one deserved to be compared to another woman while in bed with a man.

It was nice. She made me feel good and I returned the favor.

The next morning I woke before her. Neither of us ever felt the need to snuggle, though we both enjoyed the feeling of a warm body beside us in bed every now and again. I lay on my back, my hands behind my head, staring at the ceiling and appreciating Tanya's presence in my life. It was a relief to be around someone who understood me, even just a little.

A short while later, Tanya woke. She shifted and stretched, tossing me a genuine smile as she settled on her back, blinking sleepily in the early morning light.

"Hey," she whispered, her voice scratchy from sleep.

"Good morning," I greeted back. We sat in silence, both lost in our own individual thoughts.

When I looked over at her again the expression on her face was a little too deep for a Saturday morning.

"Hey, T. What are you thinking about?" I asked, rolling onto my side. I automatically started scanning our conversations the previous night, trying to figure out if there was something I'd missed. I'd been so wrapped up in my own news that I didn't know how her day had gone – or her month for that matter. Before last night, I hadn't seen her for a little over a month.

She sighed softly. "Please don't take this the wrong way. I am asking, how would you say, rhetorically. Have you ever thought about...trying to make this an 'us'?"

I blinked, covering my immediate response to recoil. This was Tanya. I knew her moods and reasoning almost as well as I knew my own.

So, I considered her question, looking for an honest answer. "Sometimes I wish I could think about it."

"But?" she prompted when I didn't immediately go on.

"It wouldn't be fair, Tanya. I care for you, certainly, but I don't know that I have the capacity to fall in love with anyone again," I answered truthfully.

Tanya considered this. "You know, most would tell you that is a coward's way out. And that you are incorrect. We're all capable of healing." She sounded almost hopeful, as if she were not talking about me. Suddenly, I understood. She really wasn't talking about me. She was asking about herself. She wanted to want more.

"But that's just it, Tanya. I'm not broken. Not really," I said softly. I couldn't tell her if the same was true for her. For some who had suffered heartbreak - a loss, as I had - her words were absolutely true. Humans were capable of mending.

It was just different in my case. I searched for words to explain how I felt without sounding delusional. "Do you know how... I talk about music...and you don't get it?" I asked finally.

"Music isn't anything but noise," Tanya responded flatly.

I felt my lips quirk slightly in response. The very idea was blasphemous to me. I'd been raised around music. It was, to me, like religion was to others. "But to me, it's so much more than noise."

"Right, a profound experience," Tanya summarized my feelings quite succinctly. We'd had the music conversation many times, me always boggling at the very idea that music could be so unimportant to someone.

"Exactly...but that part of you is just missing, and while it completely boggles my mind, you don't feel any worse off, right?"

Tanya was silent for a few moments as she processed this. "I understand what you're saying...but what if it's not the same thing? Haven't you ever thought that maybe life is more meaningful when you share it with someone?"

"But I do share it with people," I protested. "The amazing people I call friends...each one of them reflects a piece of me. Brandy understands my music - the way it affects me and the beauty of it. Aro understands my need to figure out people throughout time and place through artifacts etc, etc, etc..."

Tanya grinned at me; a vaguely predatory smile. "And I understand the need for a healthy sexual appetite."

I tickled the bare skin of her sides playfully. "And you're good to talk to."

When her giggles had died down, Tanya spoke again. "You never think that she destroyed you for other women?" Her voice was just a tiny bit lost. If I didn't know her so well, I wouldn't have caught it at all.

Instead of calling her on it, I answered her question. "I don't know, Tanya. I don't really think a connection like that is supposed to exist. It's too strong. I can't even fathom finding something else. Anything else would just be ... not good enough. And how is that fair to anyone? The future I saw when I looked in her eyes doesn't exist without her. I don't want it."

Silence stretched on between us but Tanya didn't offer up her thoughts. I sighed. "So what's going on T? You ready to settle down? Are you asking all of your boy toys this question?" I asked, opting for levity.

She gave a short bark of laughter. "No. You're quite the catch, Edward."

I snorted. "Right."

Tanya rolled onto her belly, smacking my bare chest once. "You are. I wouldn't even think about asking the others, not even rhetorically." She shrugged. "You know me. I'm not really all that serious about it anyway. Just, sometimes I want to know what all the fuss is about."

"Well, T. I couldn't tell you," I murmured, catching her hand and playing with her fingers. It was more of a comforting motion than me wanting to start anything again. "Tanya, if this doesn't work for you anymore, I would understand that. You know that right?"

She sighed slightly. "Of course I know that. And it does work for me. It does. Sometimes it's hard not to think we're abnormal."

At that I couldn't help but laugh. "We _are _abnormal, T. We don't want or need to share this journey through life with someone to come home to. That goes against the nature of people. But I still don't think it's bad. I prefer it"

Tanya considered this and smiled genuinely. "You know something, I really do too."

**A/N: So now we know what Edward's been up to all these years. Thanks to dizzygrl28 for beta'ing.**

**Team Jasper: I have a lengthy lemontastic outtake for you. Right now, it's only available at TwiHardFic(dot)com. You have to sign up to see the stories but it's a fun archive and discussion site I run with CellaCullen and Dizzygrl28. PLEASE NOTE - if you don't want to sign up, I totally get it. I'm not going to make you. Just let me know and I'll send it to you some other way. **

**(Melly aka Dizzygrl28 here, hijacking Kris's a/n to tell you to run, don't walk, and register on Twi-Hard where you can not only play in the forums, but also peruse our actively growing story archive. Some stories in the archive are exclusive to Twi-Hard, so by not registering, you may be missing out on that hot little lemon you've been looking for. Plus, we're some awesome bitches to chat with. We look forward to welcoming you!)**

**Team Edward: How do you feel about the man our boy has grown up to be? **

**Remember, a link to the discussion board can be found in my profile or you can just copy and paste: twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=9670 . I do post teasers and the like in that forum.**


	8. Already Rolled The Dice

**Chapter 7: Already Rolled The Dice**

**A/N: I made a mistake on the time-line, so I apologize. Bella met Jasper nearly SIX years after meeting Edward, not five. Sorry about that. Gotta fix it. **

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer created them. I'm just playing with them.**

_**"I'll run away with you  
if things don't go as planned  
Planning big could be a gamble  
I've already rolled the dice  
I spit and stutter stuff and clutter  
worries in my worried corner"**_

_**-Promise, Eve6**_

**BPOV**

If there was one thing I knew it was that it was nearly impossible to concentrate on accounting stuff when Jasper was running the tip of his nose down the side of my cheek.

It was worse when he got to my ear and started singing in this dead sexy, rumbling voice. "I don't know what you've done to me but I swear this much is true." My heart sped as he tucked my hair behind my ear, placing his lips right against the shell. "I wanna do bad things with you."

Sweet, baby Jesus.

Jasper had probably guessed that his singing the True Blood theme song had me fantasizing about him and vampires because the next thing I knew he was biting down with just the right amount of pressure on my neck. Lust hit my body like a lightning bolt, and I nearly turned in my seat to throw my arms and legs around him.

Then I came to my senses. "Jasper Whitlock! If you don't take your hands off me I'm never going to get this done. And I'm never going to get to bed. Then the only thing you're going to be doing is taking a cold shower because I'm going to be too tired."

"Since when do you get too tired for me?" he smirked.

I narrowed my eyes at the cocky expression on my boyfriend's face.

My boyfriend, who, I suddenly noticed, had his shirt open.

And his glasses on.

Mother fucker was pulling out the big guns. He _knew_ damn well how much I loved those glasses.

His smirk only broadened when he figured out I was staring. He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine in a soft, teasing kiss. "Jasper," I sighed against his skin. "I really need to finish."

With a groan, Jasper flung himself backward onto my bed, one arm thrown over his eyes dramatically. My heart panged because he looked so sad...and so fucking delectable. "I told you that I had to do these reports," I defended. "You didn't have to come over."

He raised his head so he could quirk an eyebrow at me. "Darlin', there's no place else I want to be. Even if you are ignoring me for ... what did you say you were doing?"

I turned around, biting my lip automatically because I knew he wouldn't like the answer. "I'm just fixing up an error with the payroll department," I said vaguely.

Unfortunately for me, Jasper was one of the few men out there who really listened when I talked about work. He knew payroll was not part of my job description. "Is Billy paying you overtime for working on extra reports?" he asked. His voice was only mildly interested, but I knew better.

"Are we really going to have this conversation again tonight, Jasper?" I shot back, trying to keep the defensiveness out of my tone.

He sighed. "It just seems like Billy is taking advantage of you. You're not his daughter-in-law anymore," he grumbled. "If he wants you to do extra work you should be compensated for it."

"I never was his daughter-in-law," I returned, trying to keep my cool. I knew that Jasper meant well, but part of me felt like he was simply uncomfortable with the idea because it was Jacob's father.

"You know what I mean," Jasper said, obviously trying to keep his own tone even.

I took a deep breath before pushing the keyboard away and standing. Jasper watched me as I came to the bed and crawled over him, straddling him with my knees on either side of his hips. His eyes softened as my fingers played on his bare chest. "Billy didn't ask me to do these reports. I volunteered. You know he wants to pay me, but things are tight right now and he's trying to find a payroll person. He's a good boss, and I want to help him. That's all that's going on here."

We'd had this discussion before. It was all part of the delicate dance I was learning about having a real, grown-up relationship.

It was a challenging road to walk for someone like me. I'd been independent almost my entire life. Even before she got sick, my mother was always more the child than the adult and I had done things like most of the housekeeping and balancing the checkbook from the time I was eleven years old. Then, after she'd gotten sick, I was a caretaker to both her and my father in a way.

It still felt odd to me - the way that Jasper looked out for me. It was all the little things. He made sure my car's oil was changed when it was supposed to be. When my computer had been attacked by a virus he hadn't said a word, he just handed me his laptop so I could finish my work while he took care of the problem.

But there was always a line. There were plenty of things that I wouldn't sacrifice, not even for Jasper, as much as I loved him. It was just like I would never ask him to give up things like his music, despite the fact that I knew he had sexy college co-eds fawning over him frequently. I trusted him, and he knew he could trust me.

I could see in his eyes when he came to the same conclusion. He held my eyes as his hands went first to my waist and then slipped up my sides under my shirt.

I knew I was fucked when he undid my bra one handed and cupped my breasts. The look in his eyes was a mixture of tenderness and desire which always cut straight to my center. I felt loved and wanted.

"Are you sure I can't convince you to procrastinate?" he murmured in a low, seductive voice.

_Yeah, definitely fucked. _

"You're needy tonight," I said, but even I could hear the defeat in my voice.

His eyes twinkled as he pursed his lips, and the next thing I knew he had rolled us so my back was on the bed and he was leaning into me. I gasped and he grinned. "Only for you, doll."

Surrendering with a sigh, I reached up to take his glasses off his face as I arched my back, thrusting my breasts into his hands. Smirking in victory, he lowered his body to press into me fully and took my bottom lip between his, kissing me slowly. I stretched behind us to toss his glasses on the nightstand before I moved my hands to his neck, pulling him closer to me.

He must have been unwilling to test my patience by moving slowly as his hands were quick to undo the buttons of my shirt. As he moved on to the button of my jeans his lips had caught up to the pace of his fingers. His kisses were urgent now - conveying his need and stoking the flames of desire. I lifted my hips so he could slide my jeans and panties down as I pushed his shirt off his shoulders.

Leaving a trail of open mouthed kisses from my neck to the valley between my breasts, Jasper sat up, kneeling between my legs. He watched me, a slight smirk on his face as I bit my lip, trying to contain the moan at the back of my throat. When he looked at me like that - like he knew I wanted him and like he felt the same way - it made my body thrill and my heart speed. With our eyes connected, he took off his jeans, throwing them away from the bed before he wrapped his arms around me, bringing me into a sitting position.

He nipped then, playful and teasing, at my chin and at each corner of my mouth, occasionally darting his tongue out to run over my lips. As he teased me with his lips, his hands finished removing the remainder of my shirt and helped me slide out of my bra.

That done, he shifted slightly until he was sitting cross legged with me in his lap. I could feel his length - hard and ready for me - brushing against my skin. It sent a beautiful ache through me and I whimpered in his ear with desire. With one hand steady on my back, he slipped the other hand between us, grabbing his cock in his hand and grazing it up and down the length of my pussy without penetrating. I groaned at the tantalizing touch, rocking forward to try to take him in, but he wouldn't be so easily claimed.

"Jasper." The word was a plea and he chuckled, his breath hot on my neck.

"Now who's needy?" he teased, but he put an end to my sweet misery. Lifting me slightly, he guided himself inside me in a few gentle thrusts.

I moaned in contentment and pleasure, gyrating my hips as he began to rock us. His arms were wrapped around me; strong, warm and gentle as his fingers slid down my spine. He knew how to please me so well by now. He played my body like a song; the way his fingers circled the spot where my back met my ass tightened my body like strings being pulled taut. His low voice murmuring sweet words in my ear sent vibrations through my very core and as we moved together. The sounds of our lovemaking were as beautiful as the music he made on the stage.

He lifted his head, pulling back so he could watch me, occasionally leaning in to let our tongues and lips mingle like our bodies. His eyes were alight with the words he whispered in my ear and I could never doubt that he loved me.

As our skin became slick with heat and sweat the tempo of our love making quickened. Words lost their shape until they were guttural moans and high pitched whimpers. He held me tight against his chest and I clung to him as our movements became urgent. His orgasm came on the heels of mine.

When it was over we were both panting and I could feel his body trembling with exertion as I ran my hands up and down the damp skin of his back. He leaned against me, his lips pressing barely there kisses against my shoulder. Keeping me in his arms, he lay back on the bed as our breathing slowed. I looked up at him, meeting his gentle smile with my own, and we kissed again, slow and unhurried.

Eventually, I rolled off of him, whispering a quick, "I love you," in his ear. He made a vaguely positive grunt as he drifted to sleep. I folded the comforter over him, watching him fondly for a moment before I pulled my robe on and headed for the bathroom to clean up.

With Jasper snoring softly and contentedly behind me, I was able to finish my work. Once I'd saved everything and sent a copy off to Billy via e-mail, I roused Jasper just enough to get him under the covers.

As soon as he was under the covers, Jasper rolled onto his side, mumbling incoherently in his half sleep state. He reached his hand back, his fingers outstretched and I put my hand in his, letting him pull me down. I pressed my chest against his back, my cheek to his shoulder. He pulled my arm around his waist, keeping our fingers loosely intertwined.

With my free hand I ran my fingers through his honey blond locks. He made a happy sounding noise before he drifted off to sleep again. I wasn't far behind him.

...

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine._

"Ugh," Jasper groaned as we both stirred. His hand shot out and he started whacking the alarm clock blindly.

I couldn't help but giggle. "Jasper," I said, my voice thick with sleep. "That's not the alarm." A little unwillingly, I released my hold on him so I could retrieve my phone from the nightstand.

The phone stopped ringing before I could get to it but started ringing all over again only a second later. "No," Jasper moaned, sleepy. "It's too early. You're still mine. He can't have you until it's time for work."

Laughing again, I kissed his shoulder before cutting off the annoying song and answering the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey Bells, sorry. I know I woke you," Jacob's voice greeted me.

"Why aren't you at home?" I asked, suddenly starting to worry. Jacob wasn't a morning person. For him to be up and out of the house this early in the morning, something had to be up.

"Nothing deadly," he promised, probably knowing that I was getting worked up. After my mother, I had come to hate unexpected phone calls. How many times had my father had to call me when I was at school to tell me that my mother had to be taken to the hospital?

Part of me was always waiting for the bad news at the other end of the phone.

Jasper must have felt the tension in my back because I felt his hands begin to massage my shoulders then. Leaning back against him, I shook off the needless anxiety and listened.

"I'm on my way to the airport to pick up my dad," Jacob was saying. "He wants you to meet us for breakfast."

I blinked, confused. "Do you know what this is about?"

"No, but he said it isn't anything bad, so stop worrying," he said knowingly. "We'll be at the Clubhouse at seven thirty."

"Alright," I agreed. "I'll see you soon then."

I hung up the phone and leaned back against Jasper's chest trying to calm the uneasy feeling that was welling in me. He stroked my hair. "Everything okay?"

"Jake seems to think everything is fine, but Billy flew down unexpectedly and he wants to talk to me," I muttered, my mind automatically going over all the possibilities.

"Hmm," Jasper murmured. His kneading hands worked their way down my back along my spine and I sighed as the tension in my body eased. He knew how to distract me, that was for sure.

His hands drifted lower and then came around to my front, his fingers dancing along the inside of my thigh. Instantly an all too familiar ache started to build at my core, begging for me to turn and straddle him. We were both still naked after all.

Jasper was motherfucking fantastic at distractions.

"I need to shower," I said regretfully. Turning my head to the side, I gave him a quick kiss before pulling out of his grasp. I hadn't taken three steps away from the bed when he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me to him. His hands cupped my face and he kissed me.

A little dizzy, I wrapped my arms around him, letting him propel me backward. Suddenly we were in the bathroom with my back pressed against the wall beside the shower. He pulled back so he could grin at me. "Let's get you clean then," he growled.

.

I walked toward the pub as if my shoes were made of lead. My posture was horrible – slumped, defeated shoulders, head drooped, eyes on the floor. Everything was different from the world I'd woken up to this morning.

_How in the hell am I going to tell him?_

My heart twisted painfully in my chest as I put my hand on the door knob. _Here goes nothing._

"I'm sorry we're no- Oh, hey Bella," Rosalie greeted. She was wiping down a table, getting the place ready for opening which was about an hour away.

I tried to muster a smile but must have fallen severely short because Rosalie narrowed her eyes at me. "I'll get Jasper," she said quietly.

"No! Not… Just let him get ready for his set," I said, my voice more shaky than I wanted it to be.

She eyed me speculatively. "It's bad, isn't it?"

"I-," I opened my mouth to deny it but found myself unable to find the words. Sliding into the booth she was cleaning, I leaned forward on the table, burying my head in my hands. "I don't know," I admitted.

Rosalie was silent for a moment before she spoke again. "Are you pregnant?"

My head snapped up at that. "What? No!"

"You didn't cheat on him did you?" she asked.

"Rose!" I protested, glaring at her.

She put her hands up in a surrendering gesture. "Alright. I'll mind my business. Are you sure you don't want me to get him?"

"No point in getting into this until after the show," I sighed.

"Well, you better work on that look, baby girl. He's going to take one look at your face and the set will be a distant memory," she said pointedly.

I sat up straight and tried for a smile, or at least not to look like I wasn't as torn on the inside as I was. Rosalie grimaced at me. "Not even close."

With a groan, I put my head in my hands, trying to get my thoughts in order. _"Look at the bright side_," Jacob had told me after breakfast. _"You didn't want to leave Seattle before."_

Billy's news had turned out to be that he wanted me back at the resort in Seattle. Despite still being new, the Corpus resort was running smoothly. The Seattle resort was not. The director there had lost a number of the better managers, and my presence was desperately needed.

Jacob was right. When Billy had told me he wanted me to come to Texas I was wary to say the least. I just was not one for cowboys and conservatives. Besides that, I was reluctant to have my father so far away. I know it was needless, but I worried about him a lot.

But everything had changed since then. It wasn't that I was attached to Texas. Ultimately, there were many other places I'd rather be, physically, than the Lonestar State.

It was Jasper.

We had been together for six months now. Things were going well. What I had with him was something it would tear me apart to lose, and yet I couldn't help but feel that I was on that precipice.

Once I was relocated to Seattle, there was no guarantee I'd come back to Texas. In fact, the more Billy talked about it, the more it seemed like he wanted me to work my way up the ladder at the Seattle resort. As far as my job went – that was huge. The Black Corporation headquarters were in Seattle.

It just wasn't something that I could say no to.

Where that left my relationship with Jasper….

My stomach twisted.

Furious with myself, I breathed deeply to keep my tears at bay. There was nothing to cry about.

Yet.

Of course, just as I was trying to get my emotions under control, Jasper emerged from the back room with most of his bandmates. He took one look at me and the smile fell from his face.

"Can you set up without me?" I heard him ask.

"We got this," Garrett said.

"Go," Emmett added.

Taking a deep breath, I stood up as Jasper came over to me and pulled me into his arms. "What's wrong, Bella?"

"It can wait. You should go back and help the guys set up," I murmured into the sleeveless shirt he was wearing. Roses. Where the hell does he get this shit?

It was one of the quirks I loved about him - his eccentric part hippy, part cowboy, part devil-may-care rocker look. And fuck if it wasn't making me emotional. I nearly started crying right then.

Jasper scoffed. "Right." He, tucked me against his side, tugging me toward the door. "Come on, doll. Let's get some air."

It was probably indicative of my mood that I let him lead me outside. Once we were outside, he kept on walking, only stopping to grab his jacket from his car. I let him lead me until we'd walked the block or so to the park where we'd talked the first night I met him.

That made it worse.

"What is it?" Jasper whispered into my ear as he held me. His hands moved up and down my back and I knew he could feel I was shaking. "Bella, you're scaring me." He led us to a bench and sat down, pulling me onto his lap.

Haltingly, I told him about my meeting earlier today with Billy.

"I have to go, Jasper," I mumbled.

My body was stiff, waiting for his response.

I heard him take a shaky breath and then his hand was on my skin, his fingers below my jaw. He titled my face up and when I finally got the courage to look in his eyes he was far more speculative than anything else. I furrowed my eyebrows, unsure of what his reaction meant.

"Bella," he started slowly, still looking me right in the eye. "I'm not ready to let this go. You have to know that up front."

Relief flooded through me, instantly loosening the painful knot in my stomach. "Me either," I whispered.

He shifted us so that I was sitting on the bench and he leaned forward, a serious expression on his face as he considered. I didn't see this side of him very often. While he had fully embraced his 'live each day to the fullest' motto, there was still a part of him that had been the Jasper who'd carefully plotted his entire life from a young age. During those times he was his father's son, and it was that mindset he appeared to be thinking in now.

Knowing his moods well enough, I let him process, even though I was impatient to hear his thoughts. I'd had all day to think this through. He'd only had a few minutes. Trying to be patient, I soothed both of our anxiety by running my hand through his hair.

After what felt like forever, he looked at me. I was surprised to see nervousness in his eyes. "You know... I've searched all this time for a place to fit in. A home to belong to. I don't think that home is a place. I think it's carving a place for yourself with the people that you love." At this he smiled and stroked my cheek, the adoration and love in his eyes strong. I reached for his free hand, gripping it tightly in both of mine and hoping he saw how much I loved him.

He took a deep breath as if stealing himself. "What if...I went with you?"

I blinked, not expecting that at all. "What?"

He shrugged a little. "There's really nothing keeping me here. I have a bit of money that could hold me until I found a job, so I wouldn't be a scrub." He smiled – hopefully, I thought.

I was still trying to make sure I understood what he was saying. "You want to live...together?"

His smile faltered. "I mean, I understand if you're not ready for that, I just-"

"No!" I interrupted him, cursing myself inwardly. "You just took me by surprise, that's all. I mean, you've never mentioned it. We've never talked about it."

He grinned at me. "Guess it didn't really come up, seeing how one of us is always at the other's place."

I laughed quietly, realizing this was true. We hadn't spent many nights alone since we'd met.

_Everybody dance now!_

I jumped as Emmett's really, _really _annoying ring tone interrupted the calm of the evening. Jasper rolled his eyes and dug his phone out. "Yeah. Well, stall. ... Emmett, it's not like there are other bands on after us.... Yeah, I'll be there."

He met my eyes with a sheepish expression and I smiled. "How are you going to leave them behind?" I asked with a sigh. "You love your music."

Jasper smirked at me with a light chuff. "Well now, I'm fairly sure that they allow music in Seattle." He pursed his lips, considering my question for a moment. Then he sighed. "I'm not ... invested in the band. None of us are. It's just something we do because we love it. It's not like I won't miss my friends, but it's also not as if I didn't miss the people I left behind when I moved from Washington in the first place."

He turned to me on the bench and put both of his hands on my shoulders, looking at me with a soft but serious expression. "You are what I want, Bella. I'll still have my music, but I think it's time for me to move on from this place anyway...see what else there is out there." He stroked my neck. "See what else there is for us. What do you think?"

Then I really did cry because I understood the enormity of his words. This was the proverbial next step that people spoke about taking. This was a promise; a commitment. This was so much more than a relationship that would just fade away.

Sniffling once, I put on a serious expression, letting him wipe my tears away. I nodded at him tightly. "Let's do it."

His smile quirked before turning into that radiant grin I loved - all teeth and full lips. "Yeah?"

I grinned back at him. "Yeah," I confirmed.

He kissed me then, hungrily, and didn't pull away until Emmett's ringtone interrupted us again.

.

Jasper ran back and played his set with his band. As he played and sang he kept on finding me in the audience, and when he did, that same grin would spread across his face.

Rosalie stopped by my table once and looked between the two of us. "Guess that went well," she muttered, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Oh, yeah. It worked out," I said evasively, suddenly guilty. It was beginning to occur to me that I was about to take him away from his birth mother's family.

I wondered if they would hate me as much as they hated his father.

I didn't have time to dwell as the boys' set finished then. Before I knew it, Jasper had slid into the booth beside me. They didn't bother to disassemble the set right away, all of them cramming around the table, including Charlotte and Rosalie who had taken a break at Jasper's request.

"Thanks for giving us a minute guys," Jasper said, tightening his arm around me.

I looked over at him, curious as to what he was about to do.

"I just wanted to tell you that Bella and I are going to be moving to Seattle," he announced.

As was expected, that was met with cries of surprise, but to my everlasting relief no one looked pissed. Not even Rosalie. After we explained the situation she seemed a bit ... envious?

"I wish I had a sugar momma who'd take me away from all this," she said, somewhat sardonically.

Ignoring the sugar momma bit, I tilted my head at her curiously. "Like...the bar, or Texas in general?"

Rosalie scoffed. "What's so great about Texas? I've always wanted to get away from this place."

"Well," Emmett suddenly said, "What about a sugar daddy?"

She looked over at him curiously. "What?"

To the shock and amusement of the rest of the group, Emmett stood and dropped to one knee in front of Rosalie. "Rosalie Lillian Hale. If I promise to keep you in fancy pants...pants...and dresses...and fuck hot heels and very little lingerie. And if I take you away from here, to follow Jasper and Bella to Seattle because that sounds like fun. Will you marry me?"

Rosalie's mouth fell open. "Are you..." She sputtered. "Are you being serious right now?"

He smiled, dimples and all. "Babe, I'd have a ring if I didn't know for a fact I'd fuck that up so badly you'd never agree to be mine forever. You say yes and you can pick out any ring you want."

Rosalie studied him carefully while the rest of us waited with baited breath. Then her eyes absolutely lit up and she tugged him to his feet so she could throw her arms around him. "Yes. Yes. Yes," she chanted in between covering his face with kisses. "Hey, Marcus!" Rosalie yelled over her shoulder at the bartender and manager. "I fucking quit. We need whiskey sours all around over here!"

Well, fuck, they made it look easy.

We talked for quite a while that night. The boys agreed that it was sad to see the band break apart but it was also time. Peter patted Charlotte's protruding belly and mused that he would be too distracted to play as much as he did soon enough anyway. Garrett and Riley said they had been working on some duo songs, so they would continue just fine.

Things were falling into place a lot better than I could have planned.

.

By the time the end of November had rolled around, Jasper and I had figured out what we were going to do. I had the long weekend off so we were going to go see his family in Forks before spending a couple of days with my dad in Seattle. Then, he would stay in Seattle to find work and a place for us to live while I finished the busy holiday season in Corpus. Then, I would move out there on January third.

There was only one flaw that I could see.

Jasper still hadn't told his parents that I existed, let alone that we were coming to see them.

"Look," Jasper said after I brought it up for the millionth time. "I just... after all this time, I don't want to do this over the phone. I'll go there, like a man, and face them. If they're angry then they can say it to my face."

It didn't matter what I said to him, he insisted on surprising them.

Before I knew it, we were in Forks standing on the doorstep of the most gorgeous house I think I'd ever seen.

I didn't have much time to really take it in though. I was concentrating on Jasper.

Jasper who was, as he would have put it if he were capable of speech right now, as nervous as a naked pretty boy in the showers of the local jail who'd just dropped the soap.

Antsy was putting it mildly. If he didn't stop running his hand through his hair, he was going to rip it right out. His nervousness was making me more jittery than I already was. It radiated off of him, almost as if it was filling the space around us.

I grabbed his hand out of his hair and rang the doorbell for him.

We waited, his hand gripping mine painfully. I ran my thumb over his tense knuckles.

As the door opened, I heard Jasper inhale sharply and I realized I was biting my lip so hard that I was about to draw blood.

The door opened and a woman stood there. She had a kind face and caramel colored hair. The instant she saw Jasper her eyes went wide and her hand flew up to her mouth as she gasped. "Jasper?" She whispered.

"Mom," Jasper whispered back, no more than a breath.

The next second she had thrown her arms around his neck. "Oh my God. My boy. My boy you're really here. Carlisle!" she shouted over her shoulder.

Jasper had let go of my hand so he could wrap both of his arms around the woman who had raised him. I could see he was squeezing her tightly. I could feel tears pricking at my eyes as I watched their reunion. It was beautiful.

Footsteps from within the house got closer and a man who could only be Carlisle Cullen, Jasper's father, appeared in the doorway. Like his wife, his eyes went wide when he saw Jasper there. For a second they both stood, Jasper glancing up over Esme Cullen's shoulder and Carlisle gaping in the doorway.

Then Carlisle smiled, and he looked so much like Jasper in that instant it was incredible. Same wide smile. Same blond hair, though Carlisle wore his cropped short and distinguished, same tall, lean bodies.

Grinning, Esme moved to one side, though Jasper kept an arm around her. "Dad," Jasper said in that same, almost little boy-ish whisper.

Any thought that I had that Carlisle would be one of those gruff men who couldn't get past their machismo long enough to offer their son a hug was banished as Carlisle pulled Jasper away from Esme and into his arms. They hugged tightly, and I heard Carlisle's gentle voice whisper, "My son."

That did it. Tears streamed down my face, my heart feeling like it would burst for the happiness I felt for Jasper. Both of my hands were clasped over my mouth as I tried to hold back my sobs.

I looked over to see that Esme was mirroring my pose just as she seemed to realize that I was standing there.

"Oh! My goodness. I didn't mean to be rude. I just, haven't seen my son -" she started to babble.

I shook my head, cutting her off. "No. It's okay. I know," I said.

Jasper and Carlisle broke their hug then, Jasper stepping quickly back to my side. "I'm sorry to just show up like this."

"Jasper," Carlisle said, his smile still wide, "This is your home. You are welcome here, always." Then he looked at me and back at Jasper expectantly.

"Mom. Dad. This is my girlfriend, Isabella Swan," Jasper introduced me, and I could hear the pride in his voice. I smiled at him briefly. "Bella, this is my mom and dad."

Esme surprised me by giving me a tight hug. "Welcome, Bella," she murmured in my ear before stepping away.

I opened my mouth to respond to her but that was when I actually looked her in the eyes and for a moment I couldn't speak.

Green eyes.

In almost six years, I hadn't seen green eyes that were so very close to the shade Edward's had been. It shook me for a moment until Jasper squeezed me comfortingly. "Don't be shy darling," he murmured to me.

"Bella, it's a pleasure to meet you," Carlisle said, offering his hand. I ripped my eyes away from Esme and put my hand into his. He shook my hand firmly, a genuine and welcoming smile on his face. "It looks like we have much to catch up on."

"Yes," Esme said tearfully. "Please, come inside. It'll start raining soon."

We had only taken a few steps in the door when we heard the floor crack above us and I wondered if maybe the Cullens had a maid. Jasper had obviously heard it too as he looked at his parents questioningly.

"Oh, your brother is here," Carlisle said. "He came down for the holiday."

Ah, Jasper's younger brother. I was eager to meet him; eager for Jasper because he truly regretted the dissolution of the friendship they'd shared as kids and teens.

"Edward!" Esme called, wiping away her tears.

It was amazing how much that name still caused a lurch in my heart. Of course, I'd known Jasper's brother's name was Edward - a coincidence that wasn't lost on me when he told me. The ache, though, seemed to be worse than usual, but that was probably because Esme's eyes had stunned me and I still hadn't shaken the feeling off completely. I unconsciously found myself rubbing my chest to ease the phantom ache there. I tried to push the feeling away but it wouldn't leave.

A measured step on the stairs distracted me from that line of thinking. Incredibly, even as I turned to the stairwell, the strange feeling in my chest only got worse.

Jaspers' brother stepped into the foyer lightly and he froze. Our eyes met and I heard the barely audible, strangled noise that came out of his mouth.

And I couldn't breathe.

The universe around me seemed to shrink and expand all at once. Because there, in front of me, was a man I hadn't seen with my eyes but who had been in my thoughts for six years. The man I thought was dead. The man whose brilliant green eyes and soft, velvet voice had become an irrevocable part of me the minute I'd met him.

In my head a space was filled. I had long ago memorized a list of 27 names - 27 Edwards whose names I had memorized when a complete list of the dead from the earthquake was released. All of these years I had wondered which of the names was his, only to find out in that instant that none of them were.

_Edward __**Cullen.**_

I felt everything at once. Joy, profound joy that he was alive. And my God, I didn't know how flawed my memories were until I saw him again. His beauty was painful. It filled my heart and stole my breath.

But on the opposite end of the spectrum was complete horror and guilt so powerful my knees nearly buckled.

I had no idea what to do.

**A/N: Dun dun dun. A few of you saw that coming. I've been chomping at the bit to get to this chapter since I started writing this story.**

**Thank you to DizzyGrl28 for betaing (even though she hates me now) and staceyj5199 for reassuring me. And to CellaCullen for always arguing with me about the weirdest things. **

**Soooo…. What are we thinking? Am I cruel beast? Let me know. OH and join us in the forums, will you? Remember, a link to the discussion board can be found in my profile or you can just copy and paste: twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=9670 . I do post teasers and the like in that forum.**


	9. Don't Know If I Can Turn Away

**Chapter 8: Don't Know If I Can Turn Away**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters. Rob owns Edward's pouty, broody look…and the part of my heart that Jackson doesn't own. Bastards.**

_**"I struggle with myself again  
Quickly the walls are crumbling  
Don't know if I can turn away  
What would happen if we kissed?"**_

**-What Would Happen, Meredith Brooks**

**EPOV**

For the space of a second she was all I saw.

My mind seemed to cave in on itself, not comprehending how my daydreams and fantasies could exist in reality. Not a single thought ran through my head. I was made of pure emotion in that second.

Shock, of course. Utter and total surprise that she was actually standing there in front of me. And I knew instantly that she was real because she was perceptibly different from the last time I saw her. The nineteen year old girl had become a stunning, twenty-five year old woman. Her hair was longer and fell around her face in a slightly more styled look. Her facial features were more defined, making her look less girlish and more like the sexy, self-assured woman she no doubt was by now.

On the heels of shock was euphoria. All of the time I spent thinking about her wasted life was undone. Bella was alive and right in front of me.

"Edward?"

The voice that spoke was not hers, though I was desperate to hear her low, soft tone again. The voice that spoke caused shock all over again because I hadn't heard it anywhere but over the telephone since before I'd even met Bella. My head snapped of its own volition to the side and I was face to face with my big brother.

"Jasper?" I sputtered, thoughts flooding my previously blank mind at a pace that I couldn't keep up with. I didn't know what to think or what was going on. Jasper, too, was much changed and much the same. The last time I'd seen him he was clean cut and very pale. Now, his hair was long and scraggly and his skin was lightly tanned. I belatedly remembered that the last time I'd heard from him he had been living in Corpus Christi.

He grinned at me as I gaped and blinked at him, and then, in the next second, he had pulled me into a tight hug. I felt myself hugging him back just as tightly as we did the whole back pound thing that must have been ingrained in the male DNA. "God, it's good to see you, kid," he said in my ear.

He stepped back then to Bella's side, wrapping an arm around her waist. At first I was confused as to what he was doing, but as he turned slightly to press a kiss against her hair, the truth hit me like a sledgehammer to the chest.

I was drowning and flying at the same time; I was burning with both pain and pleasure.

Before that moment I hadn't even realized I was smiling. Smiling with the happiness of getting the only girl I'd ever loved back from the dead and my big brother back from his self imposed exile all at the same time. My overworked mind didn't put two and two together until I saw him glance down at her with adoration as she continued to stare at me with an unfathomable expression. My smile fell slowly as realization dawned, but by then no one besides her was looking at me.

"Bella, this is my little brother, Edward," Jasper said to Bella before lifting his face to me. "Edward, this is Isabella Swan. My girlfriend."

_Isabella Swan._

I almost choked because after all this time I _finally _had her name. Since the moment I'd met her it was all I'd wanted. At first, of course, it was a symbol of trust between us – of her acknowledgment that we'd found something neither of us wanted to let go. Afterward, when I thought she was dead, her name would have given me a headstone – a place to go to grieve; access to other people who had known her and who loved her.

So, for my older brother to be the one to tell me her name, and then, in the same breath, tell me that I couldn't have her….

My mind shut down again, becoming empty and thoughtless because I couldn't deal with all the stimuli at once. My body moved of its own accord, my actions robotic. I stuck out my hand because my parents had drilled manners and politeness into me at an early age. She blinked at me, her expression unsure as she put her hand in mine.

Electricity ran through me at her touch. I heard her sharp intake of breath and dropped her hand after a perfunctory shake, stepping back as if I'd been burned. "It's a pleasure to meet you," I heard myself mumble, but my voice sounded distorted and far away.

The second we had touched my entire body ached to pull her to me and never let her go again. Her hand was soft and warm, fitting perfectly into mine. Even now, though we stood several feet apart, there was a perceptible energy between us.

I had forgotten what it was like to feel this alive. Every inch of my body was aware.

My mother said something then and Jasper turned to her, taking Bella with him. I felt a snarl build in my chest as I fought back my base reaction to rip her out of his arms and turn her back around. It felt wrong not to be looking at her.

Jesus, I needed to get a grip. My mind was spinning and my mother was saying something about lunch being almost ready.

"I'll be right back," I said to no one in particular before I pivoted and ran right back up the stairs I'd just come down.

Once I made it into my old room and closed my door, I leaned forward and rested my hands on my knees as I breathed raggedly. My inability to get enough air in my lungs had nothing to do with the fact I'd just sprinted up three flights of stairs and everything to do with the drowning sensation that had come over me since it clicked as to why Bella and my brother had reappeared together.

Too many questions. How had she survived? Why hadn't she come to find me? How did she know my brother? Did she know he was _my _brother?

She couldn't have. The look on her face when we first came eye to eye was a mirror of mine. Incredulity. Surprise. She definitely hadn't been expecting to see me.

I didn't realize I'd started pacing so frantically until I made myself dizzy. I sat on the bed heavily, my head in my hands as I tried to make sense of everything.

Not even five minutes had gone by since my mother had called me downstairs, but my entire life had changed. Again.

The constant ache that had been with me since I'd lost her - the hole in my chest that I'd barely begun to get used to as I'd learned to live without her - suddenly felt like the gaping wound it had once been. Everything in me screamed with the need to be by her side. There were only three flights of stairs separating me from her and it seemed like too much now that I knew she lived.

_What do I do?_

The question repeated itself over and over again in my mind. I needed more information. I needed answers that only Bella could give me.

I forced myself to steady my breathing. _One thing at a time_, I reminded myself.

First, I needed to go back downstairs before my parents got suspicious. I needed to see what the full story was. There was still a part of me that was happy to have my older brother back. If nothing else it was obvious that my parents and Jasper were clueless to the fact I had any connection to Bella. They didn't need to know until I could figure out exactly what had happened. I needed to figure out a way to talk to her.

_Don't get ahead of yourself. _

The fact that the voice in my head sounded like Jasper was a thousand times more infuriating than it had ever been.

It was right though. I didn't even know if she wanted to talk to me. What if it had been her choice not to find me? What if she'd known all this time –

_Enough._

I couldn't jump to any conclusions. I just needed to get downstairs and play it by ear. There was no other choice.

I just hoped against hope that Jasper wasn't a fan of public displays of affection because I couldn't fathom how I was going to handle that.

Groaning again, I got to my feet and made my way downstairs as if I was walking to my own execution.

Following the sounds of chatter, I found my family had relocated to the kitchen. My mother was at the counter making up two more plates with the biggest grin I think I'd ever seen on her face. She would have been fine with just one since I had no appetite. I sighed inwardly, knowing I'd have to force a few bites down.

Then again, with my long lost big brother here, she might not even notice I was alive.

Instantly, I felt Bella's eyes on me. Because I was a glutton for punishment, and because the need to see her was too great, I turned to meet her gaze as I leaned against the wall. She was sitting next to Jasper at the table where he and our father were conversing.

As soon as our eyes met again the world seemed to fade away. My father and brother's conversation faded into the background becoming nothing more than distant, indistinct murmurs of sound. There was nothing but her and the insanely strong pull I felt to be at her side. Her eyes, as they locked on mine, were huge. Emotions flickered in intervals. Sadness. Guilt. I had no idea what I looked like as I watched her.

"Edward," a voice hissed.

Abruptly the world snapped back into focus and I ripped my eyes away from Bella to look at my mother. She was watching me with that look I remembered very well from my childhood. That 'don't be rude' look. I knew I'd been caught staring. I nodded numbly, acknowledging her rebuke, and that seemed to soothe her. "Come help me get this on the table," Esme requested.

I nodded, moving to pick up three of the five plates she had on the counter. I set one down in front of my father and then Jasper, who offered their thanks and then sat the last in front of Bella.

She was biting her lip so hard that it was turning white. Automatically, I reached out and stopped myself just in time, leaning back across the table instead. She swallowed noticeably and then opened her mouth. "Thank you," she said, but her voice was just a breath with hardly any sound to it.

To me, though, those two words might as well have been a concerto. They were the first words I'd heard from her lips since her last words. _No one's ever called me on my bullshit before._

God, what happened? I was desperate to know. Why couldn't I read minds? I needed to know.

Instead of asking, I sat down.

As I picked at my food, Jasper and Bella - mostly Jasper - dropped the surprise that they were moving to Seattle. Bella briefly explained her job, shrugging it off, but Jasper went into more detail about how her boss relied on her. Anyone could see he was proud of her.

I didn't know what to think or how to feel. When I knew she'd be living in the same city as me I was both ecstatic and miserable. She would be close to me.

As Jasper talked, he unconsciously draped his arm possessively over the back of her chair.

Close, and yet, entirely out of reach.

I frowned slightly when I noticed that Bella wasn't really eating either. She kept her eyes mostly on the table

The topic of conversation turned to Jasper's work. We were all surprised to find out he made a living doing odd jobs.

"It's not just a job though," Bella said, perking up for the first time during the conversation. "I mean, not all of it. Jasper's glass work is amazing." As she spoke her eyes went from Esme to Carlisle. When they landed on me her speech faltered and she looked down at her food. "It's really very beautiful."

"I didn't know you could do that, Jasper," Mom said, sounding a little hurt.

Jasper ruffled his hair self consciously. "It's a newer development. I brought you a few things. I'll get them from the car after lunch," he promised.

That brightened the look on Mom's face considerably. "I'm not surprised. My boys were always so good at anything they put their minds to," she said fondly, reaching up to ruffle my hair. I think I managed a small smile for her.

"So, what will you be pursuing for work here?" Dad asked.

I didn't miss the way Jasper's smile tightened just slightly. "I haven't given it that much thought, really. I've always been able to get by on what I find. You know, my cousin Rosalie is moving up here too at the first of the year, and her fiancé was in my band. I'm sure we'll put something together again."

Carlisle nodded encouragingly. "Are you trying to do something with that? The band I mean."

Jasper's lips quirked and he seemed to search for his words carefully. I was more interested in the way Bella was watching him. Despite the tension I know she must have felt radiating off of me, she still picked up on Jasper's slight discomfort with Carlisle's line of questioning. "I enjoy my music and I enjoy being part of a band. I'm not really interested in making it big or anything like that. If I can play for a small audience in a couple of local venues I'll be happy."

My eyes flicked back to my father, watching his reaction automatically.

My father was not a demanding man. He had always encouraged us to do whatever we wanted without lives.

Jasper had always been the prodigal son. He was everything a man like Carlisle could have asked for, at least back when we were teenagers. His grades were consistently top of the class. He was never any trouble. Of the two of us, he looked more like Carlisle and, back then, he had done his best to act like him as well. When we were children, he would listen with rapt attention to conversations that bored me to tears - biology, medicine all of that. When we were older he would hold his own in conversations that went above my head - not because I wasn't smart enough to understand them, but because I couldn't sit still long enough to learn _that _much about one single subject.

Anyone who'd asked my father, through all these years that Jasper had been gone, merely got an explanation that Jasper was pursuing his own way in the world. He would smile and reassure the asker that Jasper was fine, but I knew he was baffled by my brother's distance and more than a little hurt that he'd chosen to give up all that our father wanted to provide us with.

He only ever wanted what was best for us.

I could see him chewing over his words now. "You know, Jasper," he began softly; "I would support any career path you choose, no matter how unorthodox. I have trouble wrapping my head around you, essentially, doing nothing with your life."

"Carlisle," Esme admonished quietly.

"No, it's okay Mom," Jasper said quickly. He looked up at Carlisle and smiled. "I understand your concern, but I have found something I'm interested in pursuing." He looked at Bella, obviously picking up her hand under the table. Her eyes darted to him and I saw her cheeks tinge a light crimson. "I love my music and I love my girl. We've worked well together even though I don't do the 9-5 thing," he intimated. My stomach clenched painfully at the intimate expression on his face as he looked at Bella. "If we can make it work, do I really need a career?"

"I have to go," I said suddenly, my voice sounding strangled. All four of them turned to stare at me as I pushed my chair back, but I couldn't pay attention to them. My heart was racing and my stomach was churning. I wasn't sure if I was going to be sick or if I was going to burst into tears or if I was going to wring my brother's neck for touching Bella. Either way, I needed to get out of there. Quickly.

"Edward?" my mother's voice almost stopped me. She sounded so shocked and vaguely horrified.

"I just forgot about something. I'll call you in a little while, Mom, I promise," I stumbled over my words as I located my jacket. I was out the door before anyone else could say anything, careful not to look at Bella as I left.

Once I was in my car and down the long drive, I allowed myself to breathe again. I gasped, realizing that I was gripping the steering wheel so hard that my body was shaking and my fingers were white with the tension of it. I loosened my stranglehold on the wheel and tried to get a hold of myself, but I was reeling.

I made the drive back to Seattle in less than three hours. In that entire time I don't know that I had a single coherent thought.

I pulled into my driveway only to change my mind and pull right back out. I just didn't think I could handle the silence right now. I needed noise. I needed some type of distraction.

Before I could consciously think about what I was doing I found myself parking in the lot for the restaurant by work. Moving on auto-pilot, I walked in and sat at the bar.

"Hey, Edward!" Brandy greeted me cheerfully. I didn't know whether to be glad or irritated that she was working tonight. I really wasn't in the mood or the shape to talk to anyone right now, but a friendly face was rarely a bad thing to have around.

She stopped short when she got a good look at me. "What's wrong, kid? You look like you've seen a ghost."

I laughed - the sound harsh and bitter. "That's as good an explanation as any," I barked.

She watched me carefully as if she was waiting for me to continue. "Stiff drink?" she offered cautiously when I didn't.

Tempting. Very tempting.

Given my familial history though, drinking was not a past time I should have taken up at that point. With a frustrated sigh, I slammed both of my elbows down on the bar with a thunk and gripped my head in my hands in defeat. "That is a very bad idea. If I start drinking now you're going to have to carry me out of here, and no offense Brandy, you're a freakishly strong woman but I don't think you'd be able to peel me off the floor."

Her eyebrows rose in alarm. "Yeah…you're right. You don't need a drink. You're not making any sense as it is," she mumbled, moving off to serve another customer.

When she came back she set a cherry sprite, heavy on the cherries, in front of me. "You want to talk about it?" she asked quietly.

I shook my head, sipping the drink slowly. I couldn't explain it to her right now if I wanted to, and I didn't want to.

Brandy stared at me contemplatively for another long moment before she nodded. "I'm here, you know. If you ever need someone."

"Thanks," I said sincerely.

I did need someone, but it wasn't Brandy. The person I needed was three hours away sitting with my parents and her boyfriend. My brother.

_How did this happen?_

Thanksgiving Day came and went. I didn't answer my phone when it rang. I didn't have an excuse reasonable enough to give my mother. I slept when I was too exhausted not to. I ate a little.

Mostly, of course, I thought about Bella. I still didn't know how to feel or what to do. I vacillated between intense guilt - how could I have stopped looking for her, why had I believed them when they said she couldn't have survived - to anger - how could she just forget about me, why hadn't _she _found _me_?

And _God, _knowing she was alive and that I wasn't with her was killing me. I didn't know what I was going to do.

There were no answers, though. Eventually, I would have to face her.

My eventually came much sooner than I expected.

On Saturday before noon there was a knock on my door. I groaned to myself, fully expecting my father or mother to be on the other side of the door. I still had no idea what to tell them. Concocting some lame, half-assed story about being at work, I opened the door.

Bella was standing there.

My breath caught in my throat. Again, the need to pull her to me was strong, but I resisted. Instead of reaching out to her as I longed to do, I stood stiffly, my eyes wide as I stared at her.

Her expression was uncertain and sad. She looked a thousand times more tired than she had just a few days previous. I wanted to comfort her, but I had no idea what it was that was making her sad. I knew nothing of her life except the tiny snippets I'd heard over lunch.

She took a deep breath and her voice was small when she finally spoke. "Can I come in?"

That jarred me out of my stupor. I stepped backward and to the side wordlessly, letting her by. I tried to ignore the distinct, crackling energy between us as she brushed passed me and I closed the door behind us.

I stood against the door, watching her as she looked around my apartment. I wanted to speak, but I didn't think I could. There was a painful lump in my throat that was making it difficult to breathe, let alone think and speak.

Even looking tired and slightly haggard, she was so beautiful that it stunned me.

She finally looked at me but only for a moment before she looked down. "I- We-" she tried and then gave a frustrated sigh. She looked up at me, her eyes pained. "You can't stay away from your family because of me, Edward."

I closed my eyes briefly. Hearing her say my name was too much. Too much pleasure and too much pain. I opened them again after a moment.

"Esme and Carlisle are hurt. They just got Jasper back and you disappeared. Esme is worried. And Jasper..." she trailed off, her eyes darting away guiltily. "Jasper thinks you're mad at him over something."

I scoffed lightly because I _was_ furious but for no reason that I could tell him.

"Does he know?" I asked, my voice sounding flat and emotionless - the exact opposite of how I felt.

Her eyes tightened and I hated to be the one to cause her pain. "No," she said in a whisper. "He knows that I... That I lost someone...important. He doesn't know it's you. He really doesn't know anything."

I nodded, feeling a numbness come over my body.

"Edward-" she started, but I cut her off, suddenly unsure I wanted to hear what she had to say.

"Don't. It's not like you owe me an explanation," I mumbled quickly, folding my arms defensively over my chest.

She continued anyway. "I woke up in Los Angeles a week and a half later. I had no hair - bandages everywhere, broken ribs, a broken leg, and I'd lost a lot of blood."

My heart wrenched at the mental image she painted. I wasn't there. I wasn't there for her. "No hair?" I choked.

She crossed the small distance between us and pulled at my right hand. Surprised by her sudden touch, I let her guide my hand into her hair.

I was distracted from the current that flowed between us when I felt a thick knot underneath her skin. It was long. Furrowing my eyebrows, I lifted her hair away.

There was a huge scar running almost the width of one side of her head. "Jesus. Bella," I whispered, horrified.

I dropped her hair as she took a step back. My body screamed out for hers, wanting nothing more than to hold her against me.

"A head injury makes it really difficult to tell what was real and what was just a dream," she said softly.

"Like falling in love instantly with a man you didn't know," I guessed, noticing how she flinched at the word love. "I can see how you, of all people, would question that," I said miserably.  
She had probably convinced herself that I didn't exist at all.

"There are 27 Edwards on the list of people killed in that earthquake," she said suddenly, her voice barely audible. My head snapped up, finding in her eyes a grief I was all too familiar with. "I knew it was real, Edward."

She turned then and walked to the sofa, sitting down slowly and wrapping her arms around her middle. "I even went as far as thinking I could track each one of those 27 Edwards down... figure out which one was you, if any of them were. But...." She looked up at me, begging me with her eyes to understand.

I did.

"But we never got around to talking much about my family. How would you have known which one was me, if one of them was me," I finished.

She nodded stiffly. "Exactly." She took a deep, shuddering breath and continued haltingly. "Eleven of them had pictures in papers...online. I found them. I mean, I always looked. Always. Even when I was studying or....anything. I'd Google Edward. Even now, anytime I heard that name I looked up and I searched for you...and I hoped."

Hugging herself tighter, she looked away from me. "After I got out of the hospital...I don't know. I felt like half of me had died. There was this hole in my chest, and it couldn't be filled. And it just hurt. It hurt so much," she said, her voice breaking.

"That I know very well. It still hurts, Bella. God. They told me you were dead. They told me there was no way you could have survived," I whispered, my voice tortured. I wanted so badly to go to her and take her in my arms.

"That's what they told me too. Anyone I asked, they said that most of the people who were out on the ocean when the quake hit died. There were so few survivors," she said brokenly.

She took several calming breaths before she went on. "I got better; stronger, physically anyway. For the longest time I was alone. I couldn't explain to anyone about you. I couldn't worry my dad about the fact I was chasing a ghost.

"When I was in college I met Jacob Black. He was the first one to ...acknowledge the hurt was real. He was the only one I've ever told the whole story to. He was...he _is _a good friend, and he cared for me. I wanted to be better for him. I wanted to be whole because I could see that we _could _make a good couple. If I could try... we could have a nice life together.

"Logically," I said numbly, adding Jacob Black to the list of people I wanted to punch out of pure jealousy.

She chuffed lightly. "Yeah. We had similar pasts. I tried, but I just couldn't ever see him as more than friends. I adore him. Maybe we really _could _never be anything more than best friends...and maybe we failed because I couldn't let you go. But either way, after I graduated, I knew I had to do something. I couldn't think about this hole in my chest anymore."

When she didn't go on right away I had to force out the words. "Did you? Let me go, I mean."

She looked up again, her eyes brimming with tears that she was barely keeping at bay. "No," she said, so quietly I almost thought I imagined she'd spoken. "I couldn't. I tried. I tried to pick a name off the list and just...let him be you. Instead, I just ... accepted that you were a permanent part of me. I accepted that I would never...feel the way I felt, _feel_, when you're around me. I accepted that there would always be a part of me that wished we'd never gotten on that boat." She paused, her eyes skittering away and then back to me. "I accepted that you would always be the best kiss I ever had."

_Fuck._

Without consciously acknowledging what I was doing, I pushed away from the wall and walked over to her. She didn't stop me, just watched me as I sat down next to her on the couch.

"Still?" I asked, and we both knew what I was really asking.

She nodded slowly, unable to deny it though I could see that part of her wanted to. "Yeah. Still," she whispered.

It had to happen. It had to. Because I knew what we were both thinking. We were thinking that it was all in our heads. Nothing could be as perfect as we were imagining it. It was just the romance of the notion of lost love – one perfect day. There was no perfect day. If she hadn't been pitched into the damned Pacific Ocean – making our good day so tragic – things would have been different. Mundane even. This two halves of one whole business was nonsense. One and one made two – end of story.

Except that the moment our lips were close I knew it wasn't just a figment of my imagination.

In the back of my mind warning bells were going off. Kissing her would make me the ultimate asshole. I was essentially a selfish creature. If it were only me at risk I would have taken her in my arms and kissed her forever. But if we kissed that would make her a cheater. I couldn't do that to her, and as my eyes opened I could see the same battle playing out on her face. We both lingered, our eyes searching each others, our lips so close we were sharing the air between us. We were Pandora with our hands on the key just _dying_ to open the box.

Though it felt like it would kill me, I forced myself backward and stood up, backing up a few steps. She actually whimpered but stood and stumbled back in the opposite direction as she struggled to get her breathing under control. I took a final step back and slumped against the wall, banging my head against it once to try to shake away the haze. It felt so wrong to be even this far away from her. I felt incomplete.

Leaning with my head against the wall I groaned inwardly. "This is why I stayed away. I knew if I didn't leave then I wouldn't have the strength to stay away from you. I -... I don't want to hurt you. And I don't want to hurt my brother."

"I know," she said, and it was a lament. "I don't want that either. I love him. I do."

Hearing her say those words was like a knife to my chest, but I understood why she had to say them.

"I don't want to hurt you, either," she said quietly but intensely.

I scoffed. I couldn't doubt her sincerity but I was already hurting. That was a bygone conclusion. "What do you want?"

There was a long silence between us before she spoke again. "I don't know. I don't know what to want."

**A/N: Thank you to dizzygrl28 for betaing and all of my girls for their reassurances. **

**I'm pretty desperate to know what you think of this chapter. Ngl.**


	10. Love's Accomplices

**Chapter 9: Love's Accomplices**

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer made em and I love her for it.

_**"On the table were two ziploc baggies**_  
_**Containing her eyes and her smile**_  
_**They said, 'we're keeping these as evidence**_  
_**'til this thing goes to trial**_'  
_**Meanwhile anguish was fingering solace**_  
_**In another room down the hall**_.  
_**Both were love's accomplices**_

_**But solace took the fall,"**_

_**-Fierce, Flawless, Ani DiFranco**_

**BPOV**

The five days between the days we arrived in Forks to the day I left Washington to go back to Texas were among the most surreal of my life. Lucky for me, Jasper chalked my abstraction up to my nervousness at meeting his parents. He assured me repeatedly that they liked me very much.

If they knew the pain I was causing to their other son, I wasn't sure they'd feel the same.

Edward.

After my presence had sent him running away from his childhood home, I'd heard so many stories about him. Of course. I'd had to spend all Thanksgiving Day and the day after that pretending that I had no idea why he was spending his first holiday ever away from his family. All the while my thoughts were miles away in Seattle wondering what he was thinking - about me and about this ...whole situation.

I hated that I was hurting him.

Just after noon on Friday, Jasper and I had told his parents goodbye and driven to see my dad in Seattle. Suddenly, I was introducing my boyfriend to my father while all I could think about was the boy I'd shared my first kiss with.

Before he left, Esme had given Jasper Edward's address and Jasper had promised to go see him first thing on Monday.

I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. It was as if my entire body knew he was alive and ached for his presence. He filled my mind making it impossible not to think about him. It wasn't the same as simply missing someone. It was this odd sense that something was wrong - something was just the slightest bit off; skewed somehow. It was an uneasy feeling that I instinctively knew would right itself in his presence.

I had convinced myself that the feeling between us couldn't be as strong as I was making it out to be. All those nights, as I'd lain beside Jasper in his childhood room, I'd stared at his face feeling the love I had for him. Nothing about that had changed. I loved him - I had no doubts about that.

Underestimating what I felt for Edward had almost been my undoing. The pull was inescapable and quickly overwhelmed me. I remembered that from our one day. I remembered the feeling that the whole world had distilled into the bubble of space between me and him.

Then, it was like I _needed _his lips and his body against mine.

I would like to say that I would have pulled back if he hadn't, but I just didn't know. I was fighting it, but I was close to losing the battle. So close. Too close.

My only solace was that Edward was at just as much of a loss as I was.

"_What do we do, Bella?" he asked, staring at me from across the room with his arms folded. I hated the way his shoulders slumped, the weight of this impossible situation just as heavy on him as it was on me. _

_Jasper was my boyfriend, but he was also Edward's brother. _

"_We need to tell him," Edward said quietly. _

"_I know," I acknowledged. Right then, though, it seemed impossible…because he would have questions. There was so much I hadn't told him about that day and about Edward. More than that, though, I needed to get my thoughts in order. "I just need time. I'm going back to Corpus in the morning. I'll be back just after New Year's. We… I'll tell him then."_

_We sat in silence for a moment before I made myself ask, "Edward. What do _you_ want?"_

_He chuffed, avoiding my eyes completely. "I want you to be happy."_

"_You know that's not what I'm asking."_

_He was quiet for a long moment, staring out his window at the busy city. "I don't want to be the guy who breaks up a good thing. I don't want to hurt my brother." He turned toward me then, a sad smile on his face as he looked at me. "Beyond that…all I've ever wanted was you. Always you."_

_My heart clenched painfully in my chest at his honesty. I knew he wasn't lying. Jasper had asked and Esme had told him that Edward had never so much as talked about someone significant, let alone brought them home. _

_"Jasper loves me. We have a good life together," I said then, not knowing if I was telling him or reminding myself. _

_He'd looked down, still smiling in a way that made me ache. "I don't want to take that away from you. You asked what I wanted and it has always been you - even when I thought you were dead. But Bella…I want you without regret or resentment." He looked up again, smiling a little more genuinely, though I could see the quiet misery in his eyes. "But I was raised with the Rolling Stones playing on the stereo. You can't always get what you want."_

It wasn't fair of me to ask him for time. He was the one who had to see Jasper. When they'd heard of Jasper and my intention to stay at a hotel while we figured out a place to live they wouldn't hear of it. Now, Jasper was staying with his parents for the most part. They'd offered to help him drive to the city when he needed. "If Edward doesn't come around," Carlisle had said, frowning.

Talk about a fucking tangled web. I didn't even know where to start untangling it.

I don't know what Edward said to his parents to excuse his behavior. I hated that I was the cause of it. Edward had told me not to worry about it, of course. He was being amazingly understanding and patient about everything.

With an exasperated sigh, I sat back in my chair. I was in my office trying to get work done but my mind kept on wandering back to Seattle, wondering what Jasper was doing.

Wondering what Edward was doing.

It didn't help matters that I had songs I shouldn't be listening to playing on repeat from my playlist. What was it about music that made me masochistic?

An e-mail alert came through to my BlackBerry. I almost dropped the phone when I saw what it was.

Apparently, Edward Cullen wanted to be my friend on Facebook. _This is so not a good idea._

Of course, even as I thought the words I was pulling up Facebook. I had to laugh when I saw the full message Edward had sent.

_**I know this is a bad idea**_**.**

_**"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."**__  
_  
He was quoting the Hitchhiker's Guide to me again, probably knowing that I would know the next line. I accepted his request and sent him a message.

_**"There is another theory which states that this has already happened."**_

He had it right, to be sure. Bizarre and inexplicable were two very apt descriptors of my life at the moment.

I hesitated with my mouse over his profile picture, both hating and enjoying the warmth that spread through me at the sight of him. _Bad idea, _my subconscious reminded me.

Would it really be that much different than the photo albums Esme had showed me?

One way or another, our lives were inextricably intertwined now. Maybe it would make things clearer. Despite my emotions I was still well aware that nothing in my association with Edward was tangible. What Jasper and I had was real - a relationship we'd both worked hard to build.

Maybe there was something in there that would make my heart realign with my brain.

_Right, I'm sure there are pictures of him in his KKK sheet or hanging out with his biker gang - Satan's Pedophiles._

Grumbling internally at myself, I clicked the link on his profile. I went to his pictures first. There were only a handful, and those were mostly taken and tagged by other people.

Seth Clearwater had added a number of photos of Edward at the museum. I clicked through those with a kind of fascination. He had such a friendly, open smile as he addressed the group in front of him in some photos. You could tell that he was speaking animatedly, passionately in others. Then there were some of him working on various exhibits – his suit jacket off, his tie loose around his neck, and his eyes rapt with attention on his task.

A woman named Tanya Ivanov had added a fair number of photos of him. I was surprised and irritated at the jealousy that sparked in me. My heart panged as I looked at her. She was gorgeous – a strawberry blond with killer legs and bedroom eyes. In the pictures she was in with him, he often had an arm around her waist or shoulders. She looked good by his side.

Looking through the rest of her album though, I saw her in similar poses with several other men. Edward was the only one I saw in pictures with two blond haired teenage twins that I assumed were Tanya's sisters though.

There were a handful of other pictures. One showed Edward and a woman that had been tagged as Brandy - who apparently had no Facebook account - on a small stage with guitars in hand and microphones in front of their faces. Brandy was in a couple of other pictures – always in the same place. She was pretty, reminding me of a black haired version of Peter's Charlotte, but her body language toward Edward was not as…intimate as Tanya's had been.

I had to laugh at a few pictures of Edward at what looked like a comic convention with a couple tagged as Angela and Ben Cheney. Ever the nerd, he was wearing Spock ears in some of the images.

Feeling a lot more charmed than I should have been, I jumped when an alert chime went off. Confused, I switched programs to my Gtalk where I found a request from an e-mail that could only have been Edward's.

My breath caught in my throat and the constant ache that had radiated in my chest since I'd said goodbye to him on Saturday felt just a little bit better. I pressed accept. Almost immediately a chat window popped up.

_**I got your e-mail from the Info tab on Facebook. I hope you don't mind.**_

**I don't mind. That's what it's there for.**

_**We're playing the same song. You realize that right?**_

At first I couldn't figure what he was talking about. Then I remembered I was using the program that updated my status with whatever song I was playing. Checking his status, I saw that he was, indeed, playing "Do What You Have To Do," by Sarah McLachlan – one of the songs that I'd had on repeat all day.

**That's strange. **

At the bottom of our chat window I saw the words 'EAC has entered text'. I waited, a little more eager than I should have been. I wondered why he was hesitating until his message popped up. Then I understood.

"_**I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go."**_

We were listening to the song for the same reason then. Not knowing how to have this conversation, I opted for levity in response.

"**You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you."**

_**Is it?**_

I sighed. Time to face the music. Literally.

**Yes**.

I hesitated, but he was being honest and there were so many things I wanted to tell him.

**So is this one. "All the things we took for granted. The words still live on in my head"**

I wondered if he would understand what I was saying. I remembered everything between us. I always had - and right now it was killing me - the things that could have been; the pain that could have been avoided if I'd just been free with him that one day we had. It only took a moment for his response – more lyrics from the same song.

"_**I think about you on a moonlit night and the stars all seem to weep"**_

I closed my eyes briefly, the hole in my chest seeming to scream with the pain of being unable to be with him. My body didn't understand my hesitation, knowing that he would take me in his arms if I told him that was what I wanted. But my heart still belonged to Jasper and it just wasn't a simple answer.

Hurriedly, I typed the question that was I had been asking myself since I'd accepted his Facebook request.

**Should we be doing this?**

"_**We're already wet and we're gonna go swimming."**_

That broke some of the tension in me and I laughed quietly to myself. He was right, though – we couldn't avoid each other. Ignoring this...thing between us just wasn't a possibility.

"**Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?" Liz Phair, Edward? Really? Could you be more of a girl?**

I realized I was biting my lip, waiting eagerly for his response as I stared at the 'EAC is typing a message' at the bottom of the chat screen. Clearing my throat self consciously, I made an effort to tab over to the report I'd been working on earlier. Edward's return message interrupted me after only a few seconds.

"**It's tearing up my heart when I'm with you, but when we are apart I feel it too."**

At that, I had to giggle. N'Sync was definitely more girlish than Liz Phair.

**I guess that answers that question.**

I hesitated before adding:

**Should we be laughing at this?**

_**We have to do something to deal with this. One way or another, we're stuck with each other.**_

With a sigh I gave up the pretense of work and navigated back to Edward's Facebook, looking at the remaining photos of him. I noticed an album labeled 'GREECE!' from a user named Jane Scarpinato. From the photos, I learned that Jane was a young girl I guessed to be around fifteen. She was an angelic looking creature. The album was filled with photos with an older, excited looking man labeled 'Dad,' a bored, bitchy looking woman labeled 'Mom,' and a teenage boy who was tagged as Alec Scarpinato.

And, of course, Edward. He was in the background of a few of the photos, and one in particular where he was sitting beside Jane. Jane looked ecstatic. Edward looked uncomfortable.

Tabbing back to Gtalk, I asked:

**You've been to Greece?**

_**For work last month. I thought about you. A lot, actually.**_

**I bet that made your little girlfriend jealous. Isn't Jane a little young for you?**

I couldn't resist teasing him.

_**Ah. That's my boss' daughter. Don't let her looks fool you. She's the devil incarnate when she wants something. I thought it was best to just accept her friend request. **_

**Yes – playing nice with the boss' family is usually a good idea. **

_**Something you would know well, or so Jasper tells me. **_

I was more than a little taken aback by his comment. Jasper had told me when we spoke on the phone the night previous that he and Edward had lunch plans. As eager as I was to know how that was going, I had been letting Edward guide our conversation for the most part.

**Jasper's been talking about Jacob?**

_**Once or twice. **_

**Jacob isn't a threat. He knows this. **

Again, I was unsure exactly who I was reassuring.

_**He knows about Jacob. Knowing doesn't make him comfortable with it, I suppose. **_

I could hear what he wasn't saying. Jasper knew that Jacob wasn't a threat but that didn't take away his discomfort.

Jacob wasn't a threat, but Edward very much was.

My body trembled as I finally acknowledged that fact. My relationship was in serious jeopardy.

It wasn't just a matter of choosing between them, though I knew I had the choice. Edward wouldn't reject me – of that I was 100% certain.

Just the thought of being in his arms was so… healing. It was a strange sensation. I hadn't felt whole or completely at peace since the day I'd found and lost him. Now, though, just knowing that he existed had quieted an ache that had been a part of me since I'd awaken in that hospital.

But, at the opposite end of the spectrum, it was as if my body knew – down to the core of my bones – that he was out there.

As a girlfriend separated from her boyfriend for a month, I should have been missing Jasper. I should have been counting the hours until each phone call. I did miss him. I still loved him and wanted him. My feelings for Jasper hadn't changed, not in the slightest.

Making a choice wasn't the biggest issue. If I stayed with Jasper – could that ever be fair to him? I had accepted long ago that there would always be a part of me that screamed for Edward. Jasper had made me happy in spite of that part of me. That was fine when Edward was dead – when Jasper knew I came with baggage and broken pieces. Now, though, that part of me was screaming. Every time I had kissed Jasper since I saw Edward, my heart ached – caught by an unbidden and desperate _want _for different lips; different arms wrapped around me.

When I had given Jasper my heart my love for him had been pure and true. It was still true, but it was becoming tainted with guilt. I should not be thinking of another man when I was with him. I should not want another man instead of him. If I couldn't find a way to get over this, get over Edward once and for all, I could never be fair to Jasper.

_**Are you still there?**_

The chime from my Gtalk made me jump. I hadn't realized that my body was tense and my fists were clenched. Gasping with the overwhelming frustration and downright despair, I keyed in a response.

**I'm sorry. I was thinking. I'm so sorry. It's not fair of me to put you in this situation.**

_**Don't be sorry. We need time. I don't know what to tell him anymore than you do.**_

**You think time will make this any easier? One way or another?**

_**Easier? No. But at least no one can say we acted without thought.**_

**I wish we didn't have to lie to him. **

_**If wishes were horses we'd all be eating steak.**_

Despite the fact I was this close to crying, I found myself laughing again. It was a Firefly reference, Firefly being an obscure show that not a lot of people knew about - which was a shame because it was brilliant.

**You're a Browncoat. **

_**Of course. I follow Nathan Fillion on Twitter. **_

**I should have guessed. I almost forgot how much of a nerd you are....You look good in Spock ears. **

_**Don't mock me. I know you're jealous. **_

"Hey Bells! Are you talking to Jasper?" a voice from the general vicinity of my front door distracted me, making my head snap up.

"What?" I said brilliantly, trying to shake away the haze. What was it about Edward? Even being half the country away from each other, conversations with him were like being in our own little bubble.

Jacob walked all the way into the office and plopped down in the chair in front of my desk. "Well, you have that kind of goofy grin on your face. I figured you were talking to Jasper. I can leave if you need to take a… lunch break." He waggled his eyebrows at me.

Guilt crashed down on me and I could feel the smile literally melt off my face. "Oh. Jasper. Yeah, I was talking to him," I mumbled automatically.

Jacob cocked his head to the side curiously. "Bella…you're lying."

I didn't look at him or acknowledge what he said, but I didn't deny it either. I'd always been such a horrible liar.

"Bella," he said, a little more sternly. I still didn't look up at him. "You're going to bite your lip off."

I released my lip from the iron grip of my teeth in response, but I couldn't look up. My emotions were tumultuous and I didn't know which one of them to process first. I was on the verge of tears, I knew that, though whether from utter frustration or agony I couldn't tell.

I was so fucking confused – and utterly torn. I didn't want to lose Jasper. I loved him. I wanted our life together.

But Edward.

"Bella," Jacob said again, and his voice was closer now. He was standing beside my chair, sitting on my desk. I hadn't even noticed that he'd gotten up.

He stroked my hair out of my face and the tender motion almost burned. I was hurting. Edward was hurting. Soon enough Jasper would be hurting too. I couldn't see a way around that. I didn't want to hurt either of them. I loved them both.

Wordlessly, I wrapped my arms around Jacob's waist and laid my head against his stomach, closing my eyes as the inevitable tears came.

Jacob let me cry, stroking my hair as I made a mess of his shirt. When I could speak I told him everything. He was the only one who knew about Edward.

"Damn, Bella," Jacob said, incredulous after I had completed my story. "Let's get Hollywood on the phone. I'm pretty sure we could make some serious bank selling that sordid tale."

I groaned, leaning forward to burry my head in my arms. "Jake," I said pleadingly.

"I don't know what to say, Bella. Jasper is a good guy – he makes you smile, he looks out for you. He has my approval, not that you need it. I don't know your Edward, so I couldn't tell you who I'd choose – ya know, if I was into guys and all that. They're both kind of dreamy."

He was trying to make me smile. It's what Jacob did. It was his natural instinct to make people feel better when they were down. He sighed when he saw it wasn't working with me.

"I know you, Bella. You're going to want to choose who you think is right for everyone else. In this case, though, you can't make a choice based on making anyone else happy. You have to choose what's right for you – because that's the only way you're going to be fair for either of them," he said quietly, rubbing my back as he spoke.

I scoffed, a little incredulous. "What the hell, Jake? When did you get so insightful?"

"Eh," he replied vaguely. He paused and when he spoke again his voice was softer even than before. "You need to tell Jasper."

My breath caught in my throat. "I can't. Not yet. I need time to think. He's…reconnecting with his family. He deserves to have that without having to deal with this," I babbled.

"Sounds an awful lot like an excuse, Bells," Jacob said. Then he gave a small laugh. "Man, now I know how screwed you are, if I'm the voice of reason here." He sighed again. "Really, Bella. Tell him. I know he'll be upset but…I don't know. I feel like, if I was him, I'd want a fighting chance."

"He doesn't have to fight for me. He has me," I protested.

"Does he?" Jacob asked pointedly.

I looked up at him then, my eyes filling with tears again. "I don't know," I admitted.

It occurred to me then that I was only getting more confused with time, not less. I still didn't know what I was going to do, or what I was going to say to Jasper.

"He's going to be a lot more upset that you didn't tell him on top of everything else," Jacob pointed out.

"I know that," I said, my heart clenching painfully. "I just...I don't know what to say. I need my head to be clear. I need to figure out what's real. Does that make sense?"

Jacob scoffed. "Kind of. Sort of. Not really."

Then I did laugh, but the sound was humorless. "Yeah. Story of my life at the moment."

**A/N: Poor kids. What are they gonna do! Oh, wait, I'm the author. I know. **

**To my reviewers: I love you. I do. I've just been writing instead of replying to you and I'm gonna try to remedy that this weekend. Your comments...they fill me with joy. Frealz. **

**Thanks to my Melly for beta work.**

**Let me know what you're thinking. Edward is on deck next....**


	11. I'm Burning Slowly

**Chapter 10: I'm Burning Slowly**

**Dedication: To my girls without whom this fic would not even exist: Cella, Melly, Jenn and Jaded. You four are the best thing that's happened to me in this fandom. MWAH.**

**Disclaimer: They belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer and I'm so glad she made them so I could play with them for just a little bit.**

"_**The things you told me  
To hear you speak  
I'm burning slowly, I'm growing weak  
You bring me closer to yesterday  
Yesterday's a million miles away  
Why can't you hear me? Why can't I sleep?  
And I don't understand what keeps me breathing,"**_

_**-Hold On, Limp Bizkit (ft. Scott Weiland)**_

**EPOV**

I could go back to my life the way it was before Bella walked back into it. That's what I told myself after she left my apartment that day. After all, I reasoned, I had lived without her all this time - it should be the same now.

Of course, it was futile.

Even if I wasn't aware of her, and I very much was - it was as if the very essence of my being just knew she was out there somewhere and my yearning for her was a physical ache - I couldn't deny that she existed. That fact was thrown in my face on a near constant basis.

All those years that I had wished for someone who knew her; someone I could talk to who could share stories of her life... Well, it was the epitome of a 'be careful what you wish for' situation.

Just as she said he would, Jasper appeared at the museum just before lunch on the Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday.

My big brother.

Our childhood could have gone either way in the loving or hating department as siblings go. See - Jasper always had something I didn't - confidence. Sureness. Whatever you wanted to call it.

When we were children I was awed by his ability to just _know _what it was he wanted. If our mother told us we could each pick out a toy at the store he almost always marched directly to the correct aisle, snatched up whatever object had been in his head for God only knows how long and he was always happy with his choice. Me? I could never decide. Everything struck my fancy, but only for moments. My mother would eventually put a time limit on my decision and I would grab a toy I thought I might like only to be bored of it almost as soon as we hit the car - all while Jasper was playing happily with his toy.

Then, when we were older, he knew what he wanted to do in life. It wasn't that my parents put unrealistic expectations on us. Far from it - they always told us that we had plenty of time to choose what made us happy. But I saw the pride on my father's face when Jasper talked about becoming a doctor. I saw the path Jasper was on...how each good grade, each summer he spent volunteering at the hospital, all added up to this great life he had planned.

I could have been jealous, but I wasn't. I was proud of him. I wished I could be more like him. I tried. I really did - I just couldn't ever find something I really wanted.

Then Jasper almost died. God, I was so scared. I think I remember every minute of those long hours that I waited with my parents as Jasper was in surgery. Terrifying didn't even begin to cover it. I knew it was bad when my father started crying. He's always had such a calm, soothing presence, but he knew that Jasper's chances were slim and everything was entirely out of his control.

Jasper told me later that he had come to briefly in the ambulance and overheard the EMT say something about how there was no way he was going to survive.

In Jasper's words, his only thought was _Fuck. That. _Jasper wanted to live, so he did.

It was understandable to me that almost dying would make him think about things he hadn't thought of before. When my brother had an identity crisis he trotted off looking for himself elsewhere. Six months later, I did the same - imitation is the highest form of flattery.

I went out looking for myself. I found Bella. She was a purpose and a gift all wrapped up in one. Suddenly, I understood what it was to know you wanted something - to know a piece of what your life was supposed to be.

I lost her.

Jasper found her. He made her his purpose. He made her his life.

For the first time in my life, I was insane with jealousy of my brother.

Yeah – be careful what you wish for. For years I had wanted – _needed _– somebody to talk about Bella with.

Jasper wouldn't shut up about her.

It was a blessing and a curse. For years I had wondered about all the things I hadn't had time to learn about her. Likes, dislikes, dreams. Jasper knew all of it and then some. All the years that I hadn't thought about because I didn't know she was alive to experience them; he knew all of that history. When he talked about her I hung on his every word.

But it was more than apparent to me that, for Jasper, the sun rose and set specifically for Bella. He adored her. He was madly in love with her. It was good, in a way, because she deserved nothing less.

It was also agonizing to hear about. It was like dying of dehydration in the middle of the ocean – there was water as far as the eye could see, but you couldn't slake your thirst.

It was an awkward situation to be in. On the one hand, Jasper was obviously trying hard to mend the rift in his relationship with me and our parents. There were times when he was just my long lost brother instead of the man who was keeping the woman I was wretchedly in love with away from me. Our old relationship was still there. We could still talk excitedly about music. We had similar tastes and senses of humor. He was proud of my work with the museum and as fascinated as I was with the history of the world that surrounded us.

Of course, on the other hand, was the huge secret I was keeping from him.

When he talked about things like Bella's frequent blushing with an adoring smile on his face, I couldn't nod my agreement and tell him how cute I found that particular habit of hers. He talked about her selfless nature and I wanted to tell him about how she gave up so much of her normal teenage life to help her mother. Of course, I wasn't supposed to know any of those things, so I just nodded quietly, listening – and eating my heart out.

It wasn't fair not to tell him – I knew that, but I also knew that there was _nothing _fair about this situation – to any of us. It wasn't as if I had lost Bella, or she me, through any action of our own. It was a natural disaster that had killed almost a thousand people. We had both moved on in our way not because we wanted to but because we had to – each believing the other was dead. There's no way back from dead. It wasn't fair that while Bella should have been planning the next stage of her life with her significant other she was busy trying to cope with the overwhelming feelings she had for me. It wasn't fair that while I was trying to reconnect with my big brother I was fighting the urge to be angry with him.

Bella had only had a handful of days to try to come to terms with the situation before she was halfway across the country. Now, she thought it was only fair that she tell him face to face – which means I had to keep up this façade until just after the New Year. How could I argue with her? If I told him, he'd have questions and she'd be in Texas. It just wasn't something that could be handled over the phone.

We were at something of an impasse about how to tell him. I offered to be there but she said it was her responsibility. I pointed out that he was my brother – I had a responsibility to him too.

Jesus, there was no way to make any of this any easier.

In the meantime, I tried to figure out how I was going to live the rest of my life.

The solace that I'd found in the life I had before had been shattered.

I couldn't lose myself in my work the way I had before because now I knew I could go home and share it with her. I did, too. We had so many Gtalk conversations about my exhibits and the things I was learning.

The little fantasies that had given me a measure of happiness – bittersweet as it had been – were no longer…kosher. I couldn't imagine Bella sharing my life with me anymore because it would be – how would my preacher grandfather put it – having impure thoughts about another man's woman. My brother no less. Coveting, Grandfather Cullen would call it. I no longer had the _right _to want her; not even in wistful daydreams.

Then there was my association with Tanya.

Two weeks into December she called me. She wanted company. My immediate reaction was to say no. Then I thought it was probably healthier that I say yes. Though she wasn't denying her feelings for me, Bella also gave no indication she was even considering leaving Jasper. What – I was going to live my life forever pining after something I couldn't have? At the very least I should be able to enjoy the pleasurable company of another human being - just for a night. There was nothing wrong with the mutually beneficial relationship I had with Tanya, and in a sense, nothing had changed. Tanya knew full well that I had no feelings for her beyond friendship and that my heart and soul belonged to another woman.

So I invited her over.

I felt like an ass because my mind kept drifting. For the first time, as I was doing things with Tanya, I was thinking about Bella – something I promised myself I would never do. I kept on trucking – so to speak – trying to drive images of Bella out of my mind; trying to relieve myself of the constant torment I'd felt since I saw her again. Just a few minutes of pleasure – that's all I wanted. A few minutes to forget.

Of course, making matters worse was the fact that I found out only after I was pumping away furiously that I couldn't orgasm without thinking of Bella. I gave in.

Afterward, I felt horrible about it. Regardless of the fact that I wasn't in love with her – Tanya deserved better than that.

"_So," she said conversationally as we lay there, panting, trying to catch our breaths. "What is wrong?"_

"_What are you talking about?" I asked, defensive and guilty. _

"_Not that I am complaining, but you fucked me like a man on a mission. Something is wrong," she stated bluntly. _

_After weeks of only having myself to talk to, I found that I needed to tell someone else. Staring up at the ceiling, I confessed. "Bella is alive."_

_Tanya blinked at me. "What?"_

_I explained the situation to her. _

"_Ni fig__**a**__ seb__**e**__!" she exclaimed. I didn't know what it meant but it was a disbelieving kind of sound. _

"_Tell me about it," I mumbled. _

_She was quiet for a long while. "You must fight for her."_

_I chuffed, still not looking at her. I could feel her eyes on me as she spoke. "She is worth fighting for – yes?"_

"_Of course. She's worth…everything," I said automatically. "It's worth fighting for her to be happy. He makes her happy - at least, he did until I came along. I know what I want - but she's more important than I am. To me, at least."_

_She got up then, putting on her clothes wordlessly. She didn't look upset, merely contemplative. I sat up in bed watching her. _

_When she was fully dressed Tanya came to sit beside me. She stroked my cheek tenderly, smiling as she looked into my eyes. "This has been good, but it is over now." _

_I opened my mouth to argue or make excuses – I don't know what I was going to say. I knew it was true even before she said the words. Tanya just put a finger to my lips. "You don't have to say anything. I will miss this but we both knew we could not promise each other forever." She kissed me then, a soft, lingering but chaste kiss. "I am your friend, Edward. This has not changed. I am here if you need to talk."_

_Then she was gone._

I wondered briefly if there was something wrong with me that I felt nothing when she left. Sure, I'd thrown myself a brief pity party and considered joining a priesthood somewhere, but I was really more stuck on Tanya's assumption that I would fight for Bella.

Poets and free spirits would tell you there are few things more worth fighting for than love - but that just wasn't how the world worked. More specifically, it wasn't how Bella worked. Through our interactions and through Jasper's stories I knew she was still very much the same girl I'd met in Long Beach. She trusted her emotions more these days - but not enough to make life decisions based on them. Jasper had told me that while she worried that their relationship would be over when she had to move back to Washington, she had never considered not going.

Even if I'd wanted to fight for her, I didn't have a leg to stand on. All we were was emotional. My love for her was the strongest, most powerful thing that I had ever known, but we had never had the chance to be more than that. Bella and Jasper had worked for their relationship - overcome obstacles and both had to give pieces of themselves to adapt. It was beautiful.

This would just be so much easier if my brother was an asshole - but he wasn't.

What was I supposed to ask her - to give me a chance? Take a sure thing and throw it aside to have to do all the initial build up that was starting a relationship? It wasn't as though, if it turned out she and I couldn't have a good life together, she could just go back to Jasper. That was not even taking into consideration the turmoil it would cause my family.

Time continued to soldier on and a brilliant solution to the twisted mess that was my life continued to _not _make an appearance.

Jasper was at the museum the day before Christmas Eve. I had a few things to do before we were going to drive to Forks for Christmas so Seth had volunteered to give him a personal tour. I figured that ought to keep him busy enough. Seth was, as always, overzealous in his task.

Great kid.

Around quitting time they met me outside my exhibit.

"I've been telling Jasper about all the great things you're doing with the displays," Seth said excitedly as they came up.

I smiled at him because it was impossible not to, wondering vaguely if I had ever sounded similar when I'd tagged along after my brother as a kid.

"How come you never talk about your work anyway, Edward?" Jasper asked sincerely. "It actually sounds...kind of fascinating."

"Oh," I shrugged, running my hand through my hair self-consciously. I wasn't sure what else to say because I honestly hadn't thought he'd be interested in it.

Guilt - because I'm pretty sure his girlfriend knew the exhibit by heart even though she hadn't stepped foot inside the museum yet. We talked about it constantly.

Selfishness - I didn't want to show him before I showed her.

Pushing my ridiculousness aside I forced myself to smile at him. "Well, better late than never. If you really want to see it, you can come back."

"I'd like that," Jasper said.

You know - his Texan drawl still sounded strange to me. He hadn't had it when he left Washington.

I wished Seth a Merry Christmas and lead Jasper back to the closed off section of the museum I was responsible for. The exhibit was almost ready with a tentative opening date of the first week of February.

For a few minutes we wandered through the different artifacts, Jasper stopping every once in a while at one that caught his eye. I told him a little about how we got the pieces, and he got a laugh out of my description of Aro's ability to get exactly what he wanted.

"You know the stories behind all of these?" Jasper asked, looking at me with a curious sense of awe.

I nodded. "That's the idea, anyway. I know the history and the mythology behind each piece," I shrugged. "As much as it can be known."

He whistled lowly. "That's got to be a lot."

"It's no more impressive than what Dad does," I commented. "I mean, he had to memorize every human body part along with the litany of things that go wrong with it, right?"

Jasper grinned at me. "You have a point. Science I can understand though - it's just making sense of how things work; how things actually are. This," he gestured around us, "It's just stories. Fiction."

I considered his words. "Sure," I said, nodding carefully, "But you can get behind philosophy right?" I asked, recalling the analytical conversations we used to get into as teens. We thought we were deep.

"What's the philosophy behind some girls and a spindle?" he asked, pointing to a display with that drawing on it.

I had to smirk at the irony of the piece he'd pointed out. How much of my time had I spent scowling at these vicious harpies of late? "Those are Moirae - the three Fates. Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos. One spins the thread of life, one chooses the length of life - of the yarn - the last snips the thread. It was believed that all the good and bad things that would happen to you were decided by them from the time of your birth. What was written was inescapable.

"You could argue that they were the most powerful of the immortals as Zeus himself was not immune to their power." _So a mere mortal like me - yeah, no hope there._

I looked up to find Jasper grinning at me again. "Well now, I'm not as smart as you are. I fail to grasp the philosophy of three chicks playing with string," he said teasingly.

I rolled my eyes a bit. It wasn't the first time he'd commented on me lapsing into my "hoity-toity museum mode," as he'd called it. In reality I knew he was proud of me.

"The philosophy is that if something is destined, there is no fighting it. Mythology is full of instances where those who were trying to avoid their destiny only brought it on quicker. Oedipus, for example. Surely you remember that much from high school," I joked.

Jasper shuddered. "The whole marrying your mother thing makes that tale hard to forget," he admitted.

I nodded. "Most religions - mythologies, if you will - address fate and destiny to some extent. You could say that the lesson behind the Greek myths was that you cannot fight fate."

Though he was still staring at the piece in front of us, I could tell that Jasper wasn't really seeing it. "Isn't fighting fate what brought on the fate in the first place? I remember reading about it - the damn Greeks were always asking the prophecies and not liking the answer, but if they hadn't known in the first place they wouldn't have indirectly caused their own fate to pass." He titled his head on me, a mock-serious expression on his face. "I think it teaches you a great philosophy - stay away from psychics."

"Pfft," I tsk'ed him, amused. "How else are we to know our destiny?"

"Oh, the way I figure it, if it's meant to be you're going to stumble into it one way or another," Jasper hypothesized.

_Or it will stumble into you, _I mused to myself.

Regardless of the outcome, it couldn't be denied that Bella had given me direction. Before her I was just meandering through life. Afterward, I'll admit that I did things that would not only make _me _happy, but would have made _us _happy.

The way I figured, many people got through life on much less. I truly loved my work at the museum and didn't feel I would ever tire of it as it was constantly in motion. Unlike all the other past times and interests I'd held and given up just as quickly, this one would stick. I was good at it, but then good had never really been a problem for me, and I enjoyed it.

It wasn't lost on me that though he'd had his own reasons and his own goals for all of our childhood - in adulthood, Jasper had taken mine.

I reflected that we would have made for excellent Greek theater though I wondered if our story would have been a comedy or a tragedy.

I supposed I would have to wait for our story to end to know for sure.

.

We arrived at home in Forks a little after nine at night. Still, Mom insisted on feeding us. She and Dad both sat down with Jasper and I as we ate.

I realized I was spacing out when Bella's name brought me back to the conversation.

"It's a little bit of a commute from Bella's work, but it's against traffic," he was saying.

I guessed that he'd found a place to live. Too curious for my own good, I spoke up. "Sorry, I must have spaced out for a second. Did you say you'd found an apartment?"

"It's a guest house," Jasper responded. "Emmett and Rosalie decided to buy out here and the house they're closing on has a guest house in back. It's ideal, actually. Emmett said he wouldn't expect much in the way of rent – actually, he said he wouldn't charge us at all except that Bella would never stand for that kind of thing," he chuckled, rolling his eyes fondly. "We could save while we were there and then we'd be able to get our own place soon enough."

The sharp pain that shot through me then made me set my glass down a little harder than I'd intended. They all turned to me then and I spoke without thinking. "Sounds perfectly ideal for you," I spat. "Since she's the one with the job, which she'll have to commute to, she's the one who's going to be saving for the both of you. It must be nice not to have to do anything."

"Edward!" both of my parents objected. Jasper was staring at me with a shell-shocked expression, obviously not knowing what to say.

They needn't have bothered. I knew it was a mistake as I said it – and not even really true.

"Sorry," I muttered, pushing my chair back sharply. "I'll be upstairs."

Without another word I turned and fled for the sanctuary of my room. I sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands, trying to get a handle on myself.

The past month I had just been struggling with coping day to day. It was easier both easier and harder because Bella wasn't actually here. Easier because I didn't have to see her with my brother. Harder, of course, because the distance between us was physically painful.

When Jasper had started talking about them getting a home of their own it really hit me. They were planning a life together – one that I would, doubtless, have to see as they built it. It struck me then that the only thing I had ever wanted – not just Bella herself, but the life that came with her: a home, a wedding, children, goals and dreams – Jasper would have. Now, instead of being a distant _could _have been, I would have to watch it all become a reality – with Jasper in the place I should have stood.

The life that had disappeared when Bella fell overboard had reappeared in front of my face. It was like some Clockwork Orange torture – my eyes being held open as I was forced to watch it all happen on the TV screen.

I didn't know how I was going to do this.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I jumped when I heard a knock on the door. I groaned softly. Whichever one of them it was, I didn't know if I could deal with facing anyone. I debated with telling them to go the hell away but knew it would just be prolonging the inevitable – and making it worse with my petulance.

"Come in," I called, defeated.

As my father entered the room I didn't look up, studiously studying my hands instead. He paused in front of me but then moved to the desk, sitting in the chair. As usual, his presence was quiet and unassuming. I think he was waiting for me to talk. Trouble was, I didn't know what to say.

Confused and hurting, I surprised us both with what came out of my mouth. "What do you think of Bella?"

There was a moment of silence as that was probably the last thing he had expected me to say. Carlisle being Carlisle, he rolled with it and spoke honestly. "She's a nice girl. I like her very much. Plus, she's bringing Jasper home so that endears me to her quite a bit." As usual, my father could not be doubted. The gratefulness was clear in his voice. "She's good for him," he said after a moment.

I scoffed before I could help it and could practically feel his disapproving gaze on me. When he spoke, though, his voice was unassuming as always – ever the concerned father. "Edward, what's going on with you? Jasper says that sometimes you're barely civil to him. Now you have some sort of problem with his girlfriend?"

The irony was not lost on me that he had not had to have these types of conversations with either of us when we were teenagers.

"I don't have a problem with her," I mumbled instead of answering.

"You have a very funny way of showing it," he returned, his voice still soft.

I stared straight ahead, not looking at him, arguing with myself. I realized that I wanted to tell him. Though I was far from a child at twenty-five, there was still a part of me that craved his guidance when a situation was beyond me. It was all so consuming, agonizing and confusing to me. Maybe he would have some insight; some path that I just couldn't see from where I stood.

I sighed, the sound more like a growl, and finally told him the secret I'd been holding for a month. "Do you remember when I was 19 and I went to California?" I asked hesitantly, finally looking up at him.

He blinked, obviously confused as to what this had to do with anything. "Of course I remember."

Of course – he'd been worried half to death when he heard about the earthquake and my phone had been destroyed in the water that had pummeled the boat. "I told you about a girl I met and how nothing had ever felt so right?" I continued.

They had helped me look for her when I insisted. My parents had wanted to get me out of California as fast as possible, but I was nearly incoherent with my desperation to find her. I'd never told them the full story. They never spoke about it afterward, but I knew they thought that my connection with this phantom girl was something that my mind had made up as part of the experience I'd had. They'd been relieved when I just stopped mentioning her after I'd accepted that she was dead.

"You said she died," Carlisle answered me finally.

"I was mistaken," I said then, watching him and praying that he would understand.

For a moment I could see confusion in his features and then horrible realization. "Oh," he murmured, the word all he could manage in that moment.

I put my hands over my eyes. "Yeah. Oh."

I told him everything then – all about the day we spent together and Bella not wanting to tell me her name. I told him about how I'd tried to move on and eventually came to a realization that I couldn't. I told him about how I'd gone into autopilot mode when I saw her there and realized that she was with Jasper. I told him how the connection hadn't diminished; if anything, it'd only gotten stronger and I didn't know what to do because seeing her with my brother was physically painful.

The more silent he was the more I realized just how impossible a situation I found myself in the middle of. As a father, he should want what was best for his son. The problem was, of course, that Jasper was his son too. Either way you sliced it – what was best for one of us was devastating for the other.

I almost regretted putting this on him, but I couldn't. At least now I wouldn't have to deal with the guilt of disappointing him too. My father's respect meant the world to me. At least he understood my hot and cold attitude toward Jasper.

And Jasper would understand soon enough. One more week.

Maybe it was better that I gave my father a heads up - before it really hit the fan.

"I don't think I can tell your mother about this," Carlisle muttered distractedly, apparently at a loss for anything else to say.

"I'm sorry, Dad," I said into my hands, realizing that he was right. My mother would want to fix it and I knew the three of us – Bella, Jasper and I – needed to hash it out before anyone else's opinion got involved. "I didn't mean to burden you…make you keep secrets from Mom."

I heard him sigh quietly and then he got up, sitting down next to me with a hand on my shoulder. "Edward, you know you're never a burden. I can't begin to grasp how you've dealt with this on your own. It's got to be frustrating."

I chuffed. "Putting it somewhat mildly…."

"I'm glad you told me – if only so that you have someone to talk to. I just wish I had any sort of advice for you. What can I say except that, whatever happens, your mother and I will be here for you," he promised.

If this thing pitted us against each other – and I could see very clearly how quickly it could – I wondered if he would be able to say the same thing. How could he be here for both of us?

The following week passed by at once too slowly and too quickly. I could tell Bella was getting more nervous about talking with Jasper. After three weeks of being online nearly every day, she was suddenly, mysteriously, absent.

Cutting off that little access I had to her was maddening. It wasn't that I didn't understand. Though we both knew that we couldn't ignore each other - that would have made our problem worse - it was too easy to get lost in the conversations we had. Bella and I could talk for hours without ever tiring of each other.

Our conversations made me all the more smitten with her. How easily she could jump from history to philosophy to politics to pop culture. She kept me on my toes more than any other person I'd known.

If she even felt remotely the same way, I could understand how she was trying to keep her head clear the week prior to coming home to her boyfriend.

If I was being honest with myself, it pissed me off. That was the week I started thinking about the negatives, ridiculous as they were. Because really, how dare she move on? She had admitted that her feelings for me were too strong to be ignored, even when she thought I was dead. I hadn't tried to have a relationship through that. How could she have?

On New Years, as the clock struck 10 in the evening our time, Jasper was on the phone wishing her a Happy New Year and murmuring sweet things to her. At midnight, that was the scene all over again when she called him.

I ached because she was the only one on my mind that night - a night that promised new beginnings.

Two days later she was coming home. Jasper was bouncing off the walls. I almost felt sorry for him, knowing the conversation that lay in his near future.

It was open mic night at the little restaurant I frequented. A couple of weeks previous, Jasper and Emmett had been talking about wanting to find some place new to play and I had suggested my favorite restaurant. It all worked out quite nicely. Jasper, Emmett and another musician they'd met named Eric Yorkie would perform together for the first time that night. Bella, at her own insistence, was taking a cab in from the airport and then she and Jasper would go home together, of course.

Me? Jasper wanted me to see him play.

Supportive brother that I was - I had agreed.

The very thought of having to sit here and probably witness Jasper and Bella's reunion was making my stomach churn. I was angry. I was hurt. I probably should have stayed clear of the restaurant at all costs.

I was, however, also a masochist.

Because I had to see her again. Like a drug addict who knows he shouldn't be around his fix but can't help it, I had to see her.

I got to the restaurant first that day.

"Hey kid," Brandy greeted cheerfully. "Long time no see."

I smiled at her, knowing full well the smile was lukewarm at best. "Sorry. It's a bad time, you know? Alcoholism runs in my family and I don't want to tempt fate by being around."

She clucked sympathetically and was about to say something else when the door opened again and Emmett's loud laugh interrupted us.

"This must be the right place. Hey Edward," Emmett greeted cheerfully.

Though we got along for the time being, I wondered if Jasper's best friend was the violent type. Once he found out the secret I'd been keeping from my brother, he was sure to lose the cheerfulness, but would he come after me? I liked to think I could hold my own if it came to a fight, but he was so much bigger than I was.

Shaking off that idle, if dramatic, thought, I turned to them with a smile. Jasper, Emmett and Eric were accompanied by Jasper's cousin, and Emmett's fiance, Rosalie and a man introduced to me as Eric's boyfriend - Mike Newton.

With introductions going on all around I almost missed the exchange between Jasper and Brandy.

He was staring at her slightly with pursed lips and a somewhat speculative glance. More than that, she was staring back and she seemed...

Shy. Bashful.

She ducked her head and cleared her throat asking in an uncharacteristically breathless voice if she could get anyone anything.

Jasper let his gaze linger a bit longer than I felt was right before he shook his head and turned to Emmett.

In retrospect, I knew it wasn't an excuse for what I did then. In retrospect I knew that Brandy was a lovely woman, and Jasper had only made the mistake of noticing her - looking was only human.

Retrospect wasn't a luxury I had in the moment.

"Hey Jasper," I called to my brother, carefully masking my anger at his wandering eyes. "I was wondering if you could do me a favor..."

Shortly after Jasper agreed to my request, Bella arrived with just minutes to spare before he and his friends were set to go on stage. As it always did, the sight of her stole my breath but I only had moments to appreciate her beauty and the deep relief I felt at seeing her again. Excited, Jasper ran to her and swept her into his arms almost before she could get all the way in the door.

I found myself suddenly vehemently opposed to public displays of affection.

My automatic defense mechanism – the emotionless mask I wore on my face – kicked in. My voice was amazingly calm as I turned to the others and mumbled that I was going to get a drink. They didn't pay me much mind, eyes all caught up on the adoring couple.

I made my way to the bar and sat down heavily in one of the stools. My eyes searched for Brandy only to find her staring at Bella and Jasper with a frown. "It's just…it's just rude!" she exclaimed suddenly.

Even though I was riding a chaotic whirlwind of emotions, it still struck me as odd. Brandy didn't strike me as the prudish type. However, I made the mistake of glancing over at them again.

Seeing them like that couldn't have hurt worse than if someone had stuck a particularly nasty knife in my gut and twisted. "Brandy. Whiskey," I requested raggedly.

That caught her attention, her head snapping back to me. "What?"

"I need a shot of whiskey. I don't care which brand as long as it's strong," I said, trying hard not to grit my teeth.

Brandy looked back and forth once between Bella and Jasper and me. "Ohhkay," she said hesitantly, obviously wondering what was going on.

I watched her as she poured not one but two shots. She set one down in front of me and raised the other. "Never drink alone," she said with a small smile and clinked my glass before downing her own.

The burn of the alcohol down my throat distracted me from the image burned behind my eyelids. "One more," I said as I put the empty shot glass down.

Brandy studied me intently but poured the shot.

I picked up the shot, studying the liquid within it and heard my father's voice in my head; saw his concerned expression in my minds eye. I glanced briefly at Brandy. "Don't let me order more of this, okay?" I knew I could ask her as a friend.

She nodded her promise and I threw back the shot.

For the first time I understood the concept of alcohol taking the edge off. The stabbing sensation in my stomach was not going to overwhelm me. I was in control of it – though just barely. It still felt like I couldn't take a deep breath and I couldn't think quite clearly. The pain was just slightly quieter – slightly less acute.

The sounds of instruments being tuned distracted me. Hesitant, I turned in my seat, my eyes first going to the stage where Jasper and his friends were testing their sound. Emmett and Eric were on house instruments. The guitar in Jasper's hands was his own.

His new guitar actually – the one I'd bought for him for Christmas.

Because I loved him.

Though, at that moment, that fact was difficult to remember.

In the next moment, as they began playing their first song, I felt a pull to turn my head that was so great it was almost a need and I knew that Bella was looking at me. Unable to fight it, I turned my head.

Her expression was worried. She had probably seen me down the shots the way I did.

The urge to go to her was powerful. I gripped the underside of the barstool hard enough for the metal to dig into my palms in an effort to keep myself where I was. No way I could join them – not right now.

Somehow, I made myself turn away, unable to look at her anymore. If I looked I was going to do something stupid. Stupider than I'd already done, anyway. The tension in the room, even across the restaurant, was intense, and my body knew the only way to soothe it was to go to her.

But I couldn't.

Jasper's voice startled me. I hadn't even noticed that their first of three songs was over. In fact, all the noises around me could have been in a vacuum. It was like that scene from West Side Story when Tony first sees Maria and everything else gets blurry and far away. There had only been her.

I shook my head to try and clear my thoughts.

"…song my little brother and I taught ourselves as kids," he was saying into the microphone. His eyes scanned the audience and he looked surprised when he saw me away from the others, but he dipped his guitar in my direction before he started singing the song I had requested.

As he strummed the opening notes I swear I could hear Bella's sharp intake of breath even as far away as I was from her. I closed my eyes briefly but then turned in my seat so I could see her.

She was staring down at the table top, not looking at anyone as Jasper began to sing that song.

The same song we'd sung to each other on our one day.

She didn't look up until Jasper got to the most chaotic part of the song. His deep voice perfectly capturing the chaos the song spoke of – two halves of one whole being forcefully torn apart and scattered to the winds. "And then storm clouds gathered above, into great balls of fire. And the fire shot down from the sky in bolts like shining blades of a knife."

When she looked up, it was me she looked at. Her eyes were filled with pain, fury and a deep sadness that twisted my heart in my chest.

I barely noticed when Rosalie leaned over, whispering something to her with a concerned look on her face. Bella shook her head slightly and then stood, turning and walking briskly for the exit.

I didn't even realize I'd stood until I was already out the door. I got outside just in time to see her disappear around the side of the building. Picking up into a full out sprint, I followed her. She was slumped against the wall, one hand over her eyes and visibly upset, but as I came to a halt, unsure of what to do or say, her head snapped up.

"Why did you do it? I know it was you, why did you do it?" she demanded, but she didn't give me a chance to answer before she was yelling again. "Don't you know this is hard enough? I don't know what you want from me."

I hated that she was hurting and I hated that she was angry at me, but I was hurt and angry too. I was tired of hiding from her – knowing she was going to choose my brother when we never had a chance. I was tired of pretending that fact didn't tear me apart. I found I didn't have the strength to answer any way but honestly.

"I want... I want for you to have told me your name. Maybe I couldn't have stopped you from going overboard, but I could have found you. I know you felt what I felt – you feel what I feel. Why couldn't you have just told me?" Her face fell as she wrapped her arms around her middle defensively. I wanted to go to her and comfort her even though I was the one who was hurting her right now, but I knew I couldn't and that made me even angrier. "I want for you to have played by the same rules with my brother as you did with me. Or that you hadn't met him at all."

She looked up then, her eyes searching mine. "You realize if I hadn't met your brother I wouldn't have found you again."

"Maybe that would have been better," I snapped, then I gasped at the very thought, shaking my head harshly. "No. Shit. No, I don't mean that. Of course I don't mean that. But this...this is torture. It's fucking...hell."

"Do you think this is easier for me?" she shouted, incredulous.

"I don't know. Isn't it?" I asked, knowing full well how petulant I was being. I needed to know though. It just seemed like she was dealing with it better than I ever could.

She stared at me, and I was taken aback by the agony in her voice when she spoke. "This hurts. It hurts so much. It's like fighting nature - like fighting everything I am not to be with you, but I don't know what to do," she said, her voice pleading – though I didn't know for what. For me to understand? I was trying. "I love him, Edward. I do. That hasn't changed. But I don't know how to want him and want you. How do I tell him that I lov-"

I stepped forward, cutting her off. "Don't. Don't say it. I can't…." I couldn't hear her say that she loved me, even though I knew it was true. I couldn't hear it and not act on it.

Suddenly I was stepping right up to her, my movements too aggressive. She backed up instinctively, hitting the wall of the restaurant and staring at me as I kept coming. Before I knew what I was doing I had raised my arms, putting my hands on either side of her, caging her in.

I couldn't touch her. I knew without a doubt I couldn't touch her because if I did I'd never be able to stop.

If I so much as stroked her cheek it would never be enough. I would crush her to me until I felt her soft body against every inch of mine. If I gave even an inch I would take a mile and I shouldn't. As it was she surrounded me. Her body was inches from mine and the energy between us hit me everywhere. My skin crawled as if it were covered in millions of magnates straining for her – my very pores vibrating with the pull. Her warmth enveloped me, wrapping around me so that I felt like I was under a heat lamp though the night was cool and the rain cold against my back. Her eyes pinned me – pain and passion warring in them and I knew she was feeling the same things I was. Her hands were pressed flat against the brick, white with the effort of keeping them still. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted it worse than I'd wanted anything – it was starvation and thirst and asphyxiation all at once. I felt like I would die if I couldn't put my lips to hers and show her how much she owned me.

"Fuck," I spat the word with all the anguish that had been building inside of me since the moment I came down the stairs to find her there. This ghost. This vision. This perfect memory that had been swept away from me as quickly as she'd been given. It was the worst torture because she was right there…I could hear her and smell her and see her but she wasn't mine. Not only that but she was Jasper's. My brother. My idol. I loved him and I hated him. I wanted to scream like a sulky child. It wasn't fair. I had her first. She was mine first. Yet she was letting him keep her and in my mind's eye I saw him taunting me like he had when we were children. Finders keepers.

"Fuck!" I swore again, loud enough that she jumped. I slapped my hand hard against the wall next to her head, needing a physical release. I felt like I was falling apart – I felt like the ocean had that day I had found her and lost her. The violent way the boat had pitched on the churning water – waves slapping against the hull like thunder – everything I felt was chaos and destruction. I slapped my palm against the side of the building harder, the pain that ricocheted through my hand a relief from the turmoil I felt inside. My eyes were open and on Bella. She was crying. Her eyes tortured. Her hands came up and paused millimeters away from my face. She was so close. If I tilted my head one way or another I could feel her skin against mine. I stared at her, begging her with my eyes but even I didn't know what I was begging her for. Touch me and put an end to this terrible misery. Touch me and give me permission to feel her again; to consume her; to make her part of me - like the song spoke of trying to put ourselves back together. Touch me and let me make love to her like I've wanted to since the moment I saw her fucking years ago.

Or was I begging her to stop torturing me? Because she wasn't mine. She couldn't be mine - not like this. "Fuck!

"Hey!" I heard his voice a split second before something grabbed me by my jacket and yanked me backwards. "What the fuck are you doing, Edward?"

It was him. Of course it was him. The fact that he was pulling me away from her again made me furious. How I restrained myself from punching my brother in that moment I would never know. It was all I wanted to do. "Get off me!" I roared instead, shaking him away. I stepped several paces back quickly, putting distance between us.

He took one look at the tears on Bella's cheeks and stepped forward, fury coming of him in waves. "What the fuck were you doing to Bella?" he demanded, getting in punching distance again.

"Get away from me," I warned, frozen because if I moved I was going to hurt him and somewhere in my logical mind I knew it wasn't his fault. My hands were already fists.

"Have you lost your mind? If you hurt her-," he was yelling, grabbing me by the front of the jacket.

"Get away from me!" I shouted this time. My blood was boiling and I was going to fucking annihilate him.

"Jasper!" Bella's voice instantly shifted my attention from my brother-enemy. Before I could process what was happening she had a hand on both of our chests and she was pushing. My whole body was fire except for where her hand touched me. There I felt soothed, but only for a moment as she wrestled her way in between us, forcing us both to stumble backward, away from each other.

"He didn't hurt me," she was telling Jasper. "It's not his fault."

Her back was to me and her hands were on him. I turned, because I knew in the next second he was going to draw her into the protection of his arms, shielding her from me, and I couldn't see that. Not right now. I practically sprinted away from them; from her.

I got to my car but only made it as far as across the street before I had to pull over. Lucky it was a darkened lot of a business that had closed for the day and I was alone with my thoughts.

I leaned forward over the wheel trying to get control of myself. I was fighting to the urge to go back to her and fighting the urge to just sob and fighting the urge to spontaneously combust. My frustration and pain boiled over into a wordless cry as I slammed my fist into the steering wheel. The physical jolt seemed to help so much that I did it again, this time on the dash. I hit the dash over and over until all the fury dissipated. My screams turned to gasping and I realized that I'd started actually crying at some point.

All the energy seemed to leave me at once and I sagged backward in my seat, trying to stop the pathetic tears. I don't know how long I sat there, staring at the roof of my car, trying to come to terms with my life. Eventually, the tears stopped. I felt numb – completely dead inside, though I knew that was just temporary; something to keep the pain at bay so I didn't go out of my mind.

Obviously searching for anything to think about besides Bella, I realized I hadn't paid for my alcohol before I'd run from the restaurant. Mechanically, I started the ignition again and drove back across the street. I parked and walked back into the restaurant in a kind of daze.

A quick glance around told me that Jasper and Bella had left, but I expected that much. Emmett, Rosalie, Eric and Mike were at the same booth they had been in earlier that evening, though by the amount of empty glasses around I'd say they were probably having a good time and paying no attention to me.

Good.

I sat at the bar, staring down at the wood.

"Edward?" Brandy's voice cut through the haze and I looked up, remembering suddenly that I'd come in here to pay. "Jesus… are you okay?"

I opened my mouth to tell her I was fine but I couldn't. I wasn't. So I just snapped my mouth closed again and shook my head.

"Oh, God look at your hand. What did you do? Did you get into a fight?" she asked, bringing my right hand toward her with both of hers. She looked up at me, obviously expecting an answer.

"I punched my car," I explained, my voice sounding flat and lifeless.

She looked me in the eye as if she was trying to read something there. I don't know what she saw, but she told me to hold on a second. She walked to the other end of the bar where another bartender was serving drinks. They exchanged a few words and she came back over to me. "Okay. Talk. Really," she demanded.

I opened my mouth to decline her request, but there was something about the look in her eyes, like she wouldn't take no for an answer. I found myself talking before I realized my mouth was moving. "I want to tell you a story about love at first sight. You'll probably laugh at me," I warned.

She shook her head. "No, I believe in love at first sight."

"Do you?" Though you wouldn't have been able to tell from my voice, I was surprised. Almost everyone enjoyed a good romance every now and again but most logical people didn't believe in falling head over heels in love with someone just by looking at them.

Before Bella, I would have told you it was a ridiculous notion.

Brandy shrugged. "Sure. Some things are inevitable, E. Like the sun rising in the east. You can't explain it and you can't stop it."

"I can explain the sun rising in the east," I said, a tinge of bitterness leaking into my tone. "I can't explain what I felt for this girl from the moment I laid eyes on her. I could have married her...right then. No questions. Without even knowing her name. But I got one day with her. Not even 24 hours. It was like... a Cinderella story. As soon as the sun went down all of the magic was swept away - quite literally. I thought she was dead. If I had known...And then, years later, she shows up...and she's the ultimate of unavailable women."

"Are you talking about your brother's girlfriend?" Brandy nearly screeched, shock evident in her voice.

Desolate, I nodded.

She didn't speak for a moment, taking this in. Then a curious expression came over her face and she took my hand in hers again. "May I?"

I figured she was just going to cluck over my wounds. My hand wasn't bad, it was red and swollen – the skin was split in some places but there were no broken bones. I just nodded at her because I understood. What was anyone supposed to say when I told them my story?

Instead of tending to my wounds she flipped my hand over. "I learned how to read palms once... Yeah...there it is. See this line here?" she ran her finger down a deep line that ran down the middle of my palm. I just nodded, wondering what the hell she was getting at. "This is your destiny line. Now - a lot of people mistake this for the length of your life, but it isn't. It's more like a map of high points and low points.

"Now, I don't know how much you know about reincarnation – but there's a theory that we are all two halves of one whole. As you move through your lives, your other half is taking a similar path, if that makes sense. Occasionally, your lives will intersect, and when it does the connection between you will be powerful," she said gently.

I was familiar with the concept. It wasn't unlike the origin of love myth. "Twin-souls," I responded. Soul mates of sorts, though the theory postulated that the twin-souls did not have to be lovers in every life they were together relationship could be anything.

Brandy nodded. She traced her finger down my palm again, this time following a fainter line parallel to my destiny line. "They say that if you have two destiny lines, your twin-soul is in this lifetime," she said with a small smile.

"What does that mean?" I asked, too tired to keep up with double talk and hidden messages.

"It means…what's meant to happen will happen. It'll be alright," she comforted.

I opened my mouth to argue but then her eyes suddenly flitted to the door and widened.

I turned and instantly realized that the night was far from over.

Jasper was standing in the doorway, glaring at me. The livid expression on his face told me that he knew.

**A/N: I have about a thousand ideas for outtakes for this story...so I was wondering, my darling reviewers, what you want to see? Is there a scene or moment from the story so far that's missing that you'd like to see? Let me know. I will take it into consideration.**

**Also - as far as Bella telling Jasper - we're gonna see that next chapter, so don't request that.**

**Thanks to JadedandBoring for emergency beta! I love you chick. Also thanks to Stacey and MD - seriously, you girls let me talk your ears off about this fic. Why? Rofl.**

**Press the review button...even if you just want to yell at me.**


	12. Pleasures Remain, So Does The Pain

**Chapter 11: Pleasures Remain, So Does The Pain**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns them and me because I love them so, so much. Frealz.**

_**"Vows are spoken  
To be broken  
Feelings are intense  
Words are trivial  
Pleasures remain  
So does the pain  
Words are meaningless  
And forgettable,"**_

_**-Enjoy the Silence, Depeche Mode**_

**JPOV**

There are not a whole lot of things that can throw me for a loop.

For instance, there are people who fuck trees. This is their fetish. Tree fuckers. Like...wouldn't you get sap on your...

The point is, not a whole lot of things throw me.

I was a mite perplexed when I looked around and noticed that Bella was missing from the crowd. I was just a tad befuddled when I got to the end of the song that he had specifically requested and Edward was not there for me to nod at. Somewhat worried, I finished our third song and went looking for them.

My mystification faded into complete fury when I rounded the corner of the restaurant and saw Edward had Bella pinned against the wall. She was crying.

No one makes my girl cry.

Brother or no, I was ready to start punching first and asking questions later when she got in between us. Edward took off while I was trying to figure out what was going on.

"Are you okay, darlin'? What happened? Was he trying to hurt you?" I asked, pulling her into the safety of my arms and checking her over to see if she'd been hurt.

I didn't want to think that Edward was capable of hurting Bella, but there weren't a terrible lot of reasons I could conjure that she would be crying. Bella wasn't a crier and I couldn't figure why else he would have her caged between his arms like that.

Bella shook her head. "I can't... I just need some time to gather my thoughts," she said, leaning into me and letting me wipe her tears away with my thumbs. "Please...I can't think clearly right now. Just please know he wasn't trying to hurt me."

Confused was an understatement but her eyes pleaded with me and I couldn't deny her anything - not tonight. Instead, I put my arms around her waist and held her tightly.

With her head resting on my chest her request was muffled. "Take me home?"

I kissed Bella's forehead and then her lips, hoping to comfort her because I still saw the tension written all over her face. Then I took her by the hand and led her to the car I had procured in the time she'd been gone.

The ride home was silent - mostly me wondering what she was thinking and what could possibly explain what I'd seen. Something wasn't adding up. Edward had seen Bella what? All of half an hour? Forty-five minutes before he'd taken off?

Whatever it was, I tried to shake it off. Bella would tell me soon enough.

Besides, I had other things on my mind. I hadn't seen my girl in over a month and I couldn't wait to show her our home. When Emmett and Rosalie had moved out here, they had taken all of my and Bella's stuff with them. I'd been working my ass off to get it all unpacked and set up so Bella would come back to a comfortable home.

Bella was still distracted as we got out of the car, but the minute she walked in the door she froze. "Whoa," she breathed, taking it all in.

Her stuff and my stuff. Our stuff. All cohabitational and such.

I wrapped my arms around her from behind, pulling her against me. "I wasn't sure if you would mind me making all the layout decisions, but I figured it would be nice to come home to unpacked boxes," I said, my lips against her ear. "We can always rearrange if you want."

Nudging her forward and into the house, I pointed out a little office space off the living room area. "Your desk and your computer are all set up in there. I figured it'd be a better bet than the bedroom if you want to get any work done...seeing as I'll always be here to distract you otherwise. And your books-"

I was cut off when she spun in my arms and she pulled my face down to hers. She was standing on her tiptoes so she could kiss me - hard and hungry. Suddenly I wasn't thinking about anything except how quickly I could get her out of her clothes. A month without making love to my beautiful woman was entirely too long.

Apparently, Bella was even more impatient than I was. She didn't bother getting undressed fully. She grabbed me by my shirt collar and pulled me toward the living room, walking backward as she was still attached to me at the lips. As she walked she kicked off her shoes and, with the help of my arms around her waist holding her steady, she kicked her way out of her jeans as well. By then, she'd dragged me to the couch. She had me unzipped and my jeans and boxers shoved down to my knees in seconds. She pushed me down on the couch and straddled me. She got me worked up and guided me inside her quickly.

Like I said, it'd been a month and I was downright ravenous for her.

My Bella liked to get her sex on. The word boring never entered our vocabulary when it came to fucking. That was one of the reasons I had been very surprised to find out that she was lukewarm to the idea of phone sex. I'd hinted quite suggestively at it, but she'd always found a way to dodge the issue.

I was disappointed to say the least but I didn't press the issue. First of all, I figured in the run of things, one month wasn't that long. It looked like we wouldn't be separated again in the foreseeable future as Billy Black seemed to want to keep her in Seattle and both of our families were here. And there weren't a whole lot of things, sexually speaking, that Bella was closed minded about, so I had to give her space if this was one of them.

In any event, Bella seemed more than eager to make it up to me now. She was riding me hard and fast and I wasn't going to last long at all.

There was something tingling at the back of my mind as she bounced on my lap. Something was just a little bit off. Yeah, Bella liked it rough and hot and frantic like this sometimes...but there was just something different. Her nails as they scraped at the nape of my neck and outside my shirt dug in just a little bit harder than usual. Her tongue, as it explored my mouth, was just a little more forceful. She would give little groans and whimpers that were just a little off. The rhythm at which she thrust her body against mine was not really passionate.

It was a lot like she was trying to prove something. We had fucked like that once before, and I hadn't enjoyed the look in her eyes afterward.

But she was so tight and warm and working me so quickly, it was hard to think about any of that. I kissed her back and held her tighter, letting my fingers grip her waist tightly. I thrust up into her, meeting her pace and whispered raggedly in her ear that I couldn't hold on.

I came hard...and for full seconds it was glorious.

Until I was able to form a coherent thought again.

Then I became aware of a hot moisture on my neck where her head was resting against me. I noticed the desperation with which she clung to me. Most horrifically of all, I heard the tell tale gasps and sniffles.

She was crying. The wetness that slid down my neck were tears.

"Bella?" I asked, running my hands up and down her back and trying to pull away so I could look at her. For a second she clung to me so tightly that I could hardly breathe. "What is it, doll? Did I hurt you? Please talk to me."

Crying is just ... not the reaction you want after hot sex. Any sex, really.

She didn't respond, just let out a muffled cry against my skin before she disentangled herself from me.

I watched Bella, my heart feeling heavy just at the set of her shoulders. She was...bowed. I didn't understand it. She walked to where her jeans lay on the floor and picked them up, pulling them back on with her back turned to me. "Bella?" I asked again, entirely out of my depth. She didn't do the silent girl thing the other guys had complained about - where they just expected you to know what was wrong, so I was at a loss as to what was going on.

Her head tilted backward as she stared at the ceiling for a moment, taking deep breaths and wiping away her tears. "I don't know how to say this," she whispered to no one.

"Whatever it is, darlin', you can tell me. You know that," I assured her, wondering if I should go to her.

Bella answered my question when she took a deep breath and turned around. She walked back to the couch and sat down, moving as slowly as if she were an old, old woman.

She sat in the seat furthest away from me on the couch.

She sniffled, obviously trying to keep her voice steady as she spoke. She was looking down, anywhere but at me.

"Do you remember when we first met…the morning after that first night? Do you remember I told you … why I trusted my instincts with you?" she asked her hands.

Of course I remembered that. The man she'd been with before Jacob; the one she'd lost because she didn't trust what she was feeling. I had tried to bring it up a few more times over the months we'd been together. Bella had revealed very little. Just that their time together was extremely brief and then he'd died. Since it was obviously something she didn't feel like she could explain, I had decided it was ridiculous to feel threatened by a dead man and had let the matter drop.

"I remember," I said simply. I reached over to take her hand but she backed away, curling further into the couch.

My stomach twisted, and I felt dread like a dead weight at my center. I wondered why it felt as though I was underneath a weight held up by a rope that was rapidly fraying; any second and the rope would snapped – and I'd be a pile of broken bones beneath it.

"He's not dead, Jasper," she whispered, finally.

I blinked at her. My mind was just blank. Then I remembered the wistfulness of her voice as she spoke about her emotional connection with this phantom man. How her feelings about me weren't as strong as her feelings about him.

How she didn't think anything could get stronger than that.

"He found you?" I asked, clenching my fist unconsciously. The instinct to protect what was mine was strong – confusing, as it had no target – but strong.

Bella looked up finally, and her eyes were pleading – just so full of sadness and turmoil that I simultaneously wanted to comfort her and wanted to run because I knew, from her expression, this was about to get a hell of a lot worse. "He didn't find me. I… Jasper I swear I didn't know. Neither of us knew. How could we?"

"You're not making any sense, Bella," I said, struggling to keep my tone even.

She took a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears that I could see shining in her eyes. "Neither of us knew the other was alive…until I stepped foot in your parents' house." The last few words were nothing more than a whisper I could barely hear. She waited, biting her lip as the words sunk in.

When realization came, I stood up as if I'd been burned. "Edward? I don't… you didn't…." I shook my head, trying to form a coherent thought. "But you didn't know him. At the house. You didn't know him."

She stood and stepped toward me, but I stepped back, reeling. She wrapped her arms around her middle. "We didn't know how to react. We didn't know what to say."

"Jesus," I muttered, because I didn't think she was aware she was speaking for both her and Edward. "You never said anything. How could you not say anything?" I stumbled, still trying to fully grasp the situation. "He hasn't…he didn't…."

"I didn't know what to say. I _don't _know what to say."

"Anything, Bella!" I snapped at her. "Anything is better than nothing. Anything is better than just letting me sit here like a g'damned fool."

"We didn't know what to do or what to say without hurting you," she responded, looking like she was only barely keeping her tears at bay.

"We?" I repeated, calling her on it this time. "You're a we? How do you know what Edward wants? He was out of here like a shot that day."

When she dropped her eyes I knew I wasn't going to like the answer, but she had apparently decided that full disclosure was the best option at this point. Little late for it. "He's told me," she said quietly.

That was a sucker punch to the gut as I realized the only way he could have told her was if they'd been alone together - outside my presence. "Told you? What…you've been talking to him?"

"Once in person. I went to see him that Saturday before I left. I ... I didn't want him to avoid you because of me." She sounded so broken that my heart panged.

"Is that all?" I asked through gritted teeth, trying to calm down. There was no way I could be rational when I was defensive and offensive and mad as hell all at once.

The silence that followed my question threw calm out the window. "We've talked online," she admitted.

"Well, isn't that just precious," I muttered, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

She looked up, obviously hurt, but fuck it all, I was hurting too. "Jasper-" she started.

"No," I interrupted. "All this time and you two have been talking behind my back?"

"It wasn't like that," she said, a hint of desperation to her tone. "We couldn't… How could we ignore each other? This is so confusing, and I can't just walk away from him… Go back to pretending he doesn't exist. He's your brother."

She sounded so lost and I knew I had to try to keep calm. The situation was not going to get better with me screaming at her. I didn't _want _to yell at her.

I sat back on the couch, leaning my elbow on my knee and my head on my hand. Too many thoughts and questions were fighting to come out.

One seemed pretty fucking important though. "What you said before…that first morning…what you said about your feelings for him – is that still true?" My voice sounded raspy - probably because my throat felt so damn tight.

My question was met with silence again and I felt physically sick. I heard Bella take a shuddering breath and knew she had lost her battle against her tears. She answered me then, though I had already guessed what she was about to say. "Yes."

Though it was a purely masochistic on my part, I had to know. "Are you in love with my brother?"

She whimpered softly; a sound that purely broke my heart. "Yes," she whispered.

I stared at my feet, trying to breathe though it honestly felt like an invisible fist had a strangle hold on my lungs and it was squeezing, squeezing, squeezing.

"Nothing's changed about the way I feel about you," Bella said fervently. "I'm still in love with you."

"But not as much as Edward," I said bitterly.

I felt her approach more than anything and I stood again, backing up. I felt like her touch might physically burn me. I couldn't feel her right now. She looked at me with those big, brown eyes full of tears. "Nothing's changed-" she started again, but I cut her off.

"Everything's changed, Bella. How can you…" I shook my head, running my hand through my hair and gripping. "Is that why you were crying when we… were you thinking about him?"

"I didn't want to be."

The anger was starting to rise again, and I was almost glad. I preferred it to the pain I couldn't do anything about. "But you were thinking of him. You wanted it to be him," I accused.

"No!" she raised her voice for the first time. "I wanted to be with you. Only you. I've missed you so much this month."

I scoffed. "Is that what you talked about with him? How much you missed me?" I asked derisively.

She stared at me, incredulous. "We talked. It was just talking."

"About what? Huh? This fucking love at first sight bullshit? Whatever little bit of time you spent with him that somehow makes him better than everything and everyone else? You know me, Bella. You can trust me. That means nothing?" Both my fists were clenched at my sides now and fury was building in me fast.

"Of course it means something. It means everything!" She shouted back. "Jasper. I'm _here. _I'm not with him. I can't... what I feel for him...I can't turn it off. I've tried... I'm trying..."

She stumbled for the right words but she couldn't explain. She really didn't need to.

Her love for me had grown from a mutual attraction that first day into a deeper, more mature love as our relationship progressed.

Her love for Edward just was.

"I have to get out of here." I thought it at the same time I said it, and was in motion in the next second.

"Please don't go," she said, her voice again dropping down to a whisper.

I lingered with my hand on the doorknob because a huge part of me wanted to turn around, take her in my arms and make her forget that my brother even existed. I wanted to go back to where we had been just an hour before when I'd been so, so happy to have her home after month apart.

But how could I ever touch her again and not wonder if it was Edward who she was thinking about? An hour ago I'd been an ignorant, lovesick asshole with the wool pulled over my eyes. An hour ago I'd been living a life I didn't know was a fantasy.

"Bella…answer me straight. Who contacted who first when you were in Texas," I asked, my voice low and even. I didn't turn around to look at her.

"H-He found me on Facebook, but-"

I didn't hear what else she was going to say because I was already out the door. My anger was out of control now and I needed some place to direct it. In a way, I could understand what was she was trying to say. I had no idea what to think and no idea how to make it right, if it even could be made right.

When I got to the car I sat in silence for a few seconds, trying to think clearly. I knew I didn't have the full story and part of me knew better than to go off, half-cocked, before I really understood what was going on. Still, that logical part of me was no more than a tinny voice in the back of my mind and he just wasn't in control of my actions at the moment.

Here's the thing – I was a fighter. If I wanted something, I worked for it – just like I'd worked my ass off in my relationship with Bella. It hadn't always been easy, as new as I was to the whole business of relationships.

If something threatened me and mine, I fought it. Just like those guys back when I was in college who I'd found trying to hurt a defenseless young girl for no other reason than their own pleasure. Just like when I'd heard those medics talking about how I wasn't going to make it and I'd fought tooth and nail to open my eyes again. It would have been easy to walk away. It would have been easy to let the darkness take me away from all the pain I was in.

There was nothing tangible for me to fight here. What could I do to change the way Bella felt?

I was furious and I needed somewhere to direct that fury.

With a kind of finality, I started the car and peeled out of the driveway a lot faster than I should have.

I was imagining all kinds of scenarios, but the one that kept on popping into my head was an image of my brother.

My brother had always been something of a charmer, with a natural gift for words and a nature that just drew people – womenfolk especially – in.

I could imagine, if he wanted Bella and she belonged to me, that he would innocently talk with her online, charming the hell out of her without her realizing it.

Maybe he thought he had the right since he technically knew her first.

Yeah, I got that neither of them could help what they felt, but they were both well in control of their actions. In my state I just couldn't figure any reason that could justify how Edward has pursued her when he knew she was with me.

This was a definite head or gut moment if ever I'd seen one. That was what we called it - Emmett, Riley, Garrett, Peter, and me had named it that. There were rules to play by. Any guy knew it. Every guy knew it. One of the biggest rules was that you never messed with a friend's girl. Didn't matter how deep you were or what the circumstances, if you messed with a girl who was, in whatever way, tied to your friend, you were subject to the rules of The Last Boy Scout. Head or gut - if you did the deed you got to decide where you were taking the punch and no one else was going to step in to save your ass when you were getting what was coming to you.

Except I didn't give Edward a choice. I just walked back into that bar, right up to him and punched him in the face, knocking him right off his barstool.

Because he wasn't merely a friend. He was my brother; my blood. And this wasn't some random lay. This was my girlfriend whom I'd had a great life with and a great life ahead of me up until I'd had to hear that she was in love with him.

For the first time, I understood how men in the Civil War could fight – brother against brother. In that moment, I wasn't remembering the way he had toddled after me when he was three and I was six. I wasn't remembering sitting cross-legged, side by side as we played video games. I wasn't remembering when I'd kissed a girl for the first time in high school and it was him I told afterward.

All I saw was the man who was threatening my way of life – and everything I held dear to me. So I was prepared for him to jump up and come at me, but he didn't. He just stayed there on the floor, propped up on his elbows with a trickle of blood coming from his lips.

He looked so damn defeated that it only pissed me off more. This was not what I wanted. I wanted a fight.

I took a step forward – I don't know, maybe I was going to hit him again, but suddenly I felt a strong hand on my arm, holding be back with a firm grip. I looked to the side and was aware that a bleary-eyed Emmett had run over. Rosalie was right behind him. "Jasper, what the hell?" Emmett asked. "What's going on?"

"What's going on is that Bella is in love with this asshole," I said, trying to yank my arm away. Fuck it all, Emmett was a strong motherfucker.

"What?" He and Rosalie exclaimed at the same time.

I ignored them, glaring down at Edward instead. "You think you can just walk in and take everything away from me, you have another thing coming."

He finally moved then, getting to his feet slowly and shrugging off the little bartender girl that had put her hands on his shoulders. I wasn't looking at her, I was just watching him. His eyes never left mine and never lost that defeated expression. "Don't you get it, Jasper?" he said, his voice, like the rest of him, just crushed. "I'm not fighting you for her. You win. If it's you she wants, I'm not going to argue it."

I scoffed - a bitter sound. "Whatever she wants right? Because you love her," I asked scathingly.

Edward looked down at his feet. "I do," he said simply.

I didn't know what to do with that.

Before I even realized what I was doing, I'd spun around, finally ripping myself out of Emmett's grip, and I was back out the door in seconds, ignoring the stares and muttering from the bar's few other patrons. Emmett and Rosalie were on my heels.

"Dude? Are you..." Luckily for him, Emmett stopped himself before he asked a very stupid question. Alright was the furthest from what I was at that moment. "What the hell, man?" he said helplessly.

Rosalie was a little more coherent. Too fucking coherent, really. "They're in love? How the hell? He's been here with you. I didn't even think they really knew each other at all. What. The. Fuck."

"Rosalie, shut the hell up!" I yelled. I growled in frustration, rubbing my eyes with the palm of my hand. "They knew each other. Before. Before me. I don't know. None of it fucking makes sense except that she loves him."

Saying those words was like stabbing myself with a razor sharp icicle. It was all sharp, freezing cold pain.

Without much more an explanation I started walking again, needing to be away from here or I was going to go back in there and get myself arrested - which was absolutely the last thing I needed on a night that had gone as far south as this one had.

"Where are you going?" Rosalie asked, jogging to keep up with me.

"My parent's house," I said, having not even realized I was thinking it until the words were coming out of my mouth. I felt so fucking disoriented - like the whole world was off kilter. _How did this happen?_

"You're going to Forks? Jasper, it's midnight," Rosalie put a restraining hand on my arm.

Knowing full well I was blowing up at the wrong person didn't stop me. "I can't stay here, Rose. Where the hell am I going to go? I can't go back home - I need to calm the fuck down. Your house is our house. There's no where else. Fuck!" I kicked my car hard, frustration climbing. "I can't fucking think right now."

"Okay," Rosalie said, suddenly soothing. She knew when it was pointless to try to talk me out of something.

I took a deep breath, trying to focus just long enough to stop being a prick to people who didn't deserve it. Emmett had caught up with us by then and was standing with his hands on Rosalie's shoulders, looking at me like he was at a total loss.

Well, that fucking made two of us.

"I'll call you tomorrow okay? I just... I need to think...or not think. I just-"

"It's okay," Rosalie assured me. "Go. The drive will probably help."

I just nodded and slipped into my car, getting the hell out of there.

As I hit the open road I tried to sort out what I was feeling - and even if I was doing the right thing by going to my parents. It was an almost primal need to be in the home I'd spent most of my teen years in.

As I drove I tried to process how my world had turned on end.

My brother had never been my enemy in any way, shape, or form. When we were little and he followed me everywhere, I adored him. When we were a little older and more equal, he was my best friend and constant playmate. Even when I got to high school and my interests really started taking shape, we still felt like friends, and I shared all my experiences with him before anyone else.

It wasn't always easy. Edward had always been just a little bit better than me at - well, everything. I played guitar and piano - but it was him who was some sort of prodigy. I liked to horse around and was good at most sports - he was the one on the sports teams at school. I got great grades in science - he had prize winning projects at the science fair. Mom and Dad were forever going to one of his events.

But even though on some level I acknowledged that I would have loved some of that attention, I was always happy for him. I was in the audience at his recitals. I was on the sidelines at his games. I was proud of him. Always.

Fuck. I didn't want to be in his damned shadow anymore. Not now - not for this.

I was so fucking confused and hurt. I knew there were some serious gaps in my knowledge I needed to fill before I could figure out what side was up, but one fact kept on slapping me in the face. Again and again.

My girlfriend was in love with my brother.

Everything made sense and nothing made sense all at once. Edward's attitude toward me this last month - how he couldn't look me in the eye sometimes; how he'd snap at me for the weirdest things. The way he snapped at me when we went to Mom and Dad's for Christmas.

Even Bella's unwillingness to talk dirty over the phone made sense.

Fuck it all.

My girlfriend was in love with my brother.

She always had been.

Edward had seen me off and on for a month, all the while knowing he was in love with my girl.

Bella had talked to me nearly every night, never bothering to mention that she was talking to Edward the whole time.

Edward, who, by the way, she had intense feelings for.

Because Bella and I - we were very much in love. Overwhelmingly so.

But apparently, what she felt for Edward was stronger than that.

Jesus Christ. What was I supposed to do with that?

It was just past four in the morning when I got to my parent's house. I walked in, being as quiet as possible. I reached the stairs and trudged up them feeling like an old man. I was so fucking tired...and tired of thinking...and tired of aching. I just wanted to turn it off for a few hours.

I had hoped I was being quiet enough that my parents hadn't heard, but as I passed by their room to get to mine, their door opened. Mom was blinking at me blearily but she must have seen the look on my face because the weariness was instantly replaced by worry. "Jasper, baby? What's going on? What's wrong?"

Dad appeared behind her, and my eyes automatically went to his face. The concern there was obvious but there was something missing. Surprise. Confusion

"You knew," I said to him, my voice sounding monotone and lifeless to my ears. I felt too tired for any emotion.

"Just the past week," he admitted gently, his voice apologetic. "Jasper, your brother-"

"Don't," I cut him off, my voice sharper than it had been a moment before. I wanted to be pissed at him but I didn't have the energy left to be angrier than I already was. "I just want to go to sleep."

Mom opened her mouth to protest, looking between Dad and me, but he wrapped an arm around her waist. He nodded at me, his eyes full of a sympathy I didn't want to see. "We'll be here when you wake up," he promised.

I didn't know just how much that was supposed to comfort me considering he'd kept Edward's secret. Maybe it was lucky that I didn't have the strength to think about it at that point. I just nodded at my parents and continued down the hall to my room.

It was a mercy that I was too exhausted to think anymore, and I fell asleep almost instantly.

**A/N: First of all – I'm in love with jadedandboring. Totes. For serial. Zomg. Thank you for the beta work darl. MWAH. **

**Secondly – this chapter was ridiculously hard to write. I hated putting Jasper through what I did. I'm sorry.**

**Join us on the forum, will you? I'm kind of anxious to hear what y'all are thinking. **

**Also – it ain't over yet. Not by a long shot. **


	13. Break a Silver Lining

**Chapter 12: Break a Silver Lining**

**Dedication: To MildredDempsy - Thanks for helping me find a song for this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns them and me. Hearts SM. Hearts.**

_**"And I knew then it would be  
A life long thing  
But I didn't know that we  
We could break a silver lining  
And I'm so sad  
Like a good book  
I can't put this day back,"**_

_**- Sorta Fairytale, Tori Amos**_

**BPOV**

Every part of me seemed to be at war with itself.

It didn't matter what way I looked at the situation, I couldn't find a route that made more sense than anything else. Part of me wished I was strong enough to walk away from both of them, but I was far too selfish for that.

While I was in Texas, my logical side had argued with me. What I had with Jasper was real and tangible. We were compatible on all the levels that counted and had worked our way through the rest. There was every indication that we could be happy together for the long term, and long term was definitely where we had been headed before I'd seen Edward again.

But logically, I knew that Edward and I could be good too, if we had a chance to be. In the month I was separated from them both, we'd talked for hours about his work in the museum and the places he'd been in the years we'd been apart. Our conversations were never awkward – even when we were being shockingly honest about our feelings for each other and our helplessness in the situation we found ourselves in.

Part of me acknowledged that if he asked me for a chance, I would probably give it to him. It seemed so unfair that he was alone.

Then again, it was so unfair that I couldn't give all of me to Jasper the way he had given me all of him.

Time in Texas flew, both too quick and too long. I missed them both. When I talked with Edward I wished I was there with him. I wanted to be by his side when he talked about his exhibit. I wanted to share his excitement.

When I spoke to Jasper nearly every night, I missed coming home to the warmth of his arms and the sweetness of his kisses on my body. Turning him down for phone sex made me feel horribly guilty, but I just couldn't. I was too confused and it wasn't fair to be so intimate with him when I had such intense feelings for someone else and he had no idea.

It was the first point in my life I wished that I could stop time entirely. Everything was moving too quickly. Jasper was happy – he was reunited with his parents and brother. He was happy in his relationship with me. Carlisle and Esme were talking about him going back to school with their help. The last week in December, Emmett and Rosalie had helped me pack up all of our stuff – both his and mine – and load it into their truck.

It was all so confusing – going forward with my life when I really didn't know what I wanted.

That last week in Texas, I made sure not to sign onto GTalk, keeping myself busy and away from the computer. One way or another, it was only fair to Jasper that I actually try to concentrate on him and our relationship specifically. It proved impossible, of course. Typically, when Jasper told me about the time he'd spent with Edward during the week, my conscience nagged at me because I already knew – Edward had already told me most of it. That week, I was jealous instead, because I missed Edward to the point of physically aching.

It was a whole different kind of guilt.

By the time my plane landed in Seattle on the way home, I was surprised I hadn't worn a hole in my lip. I was torn and confused. I wanted to see them both as much as I wanted to avoid them. Most of all I knew I had to tell Jasper and despite the month I'd had to think about it, I was no closer to having the words to explain. But I was out of time and Jasper needed to know tonight. I knew he would want to get me into bed quickly and I knew it wouldn't be fair to do that while he was still clueless as to what was going on between Edward and me.

From the moment I set foot in the restaurant, the night had gone downhill at a pace I couldn't keep up with.

It was like a constant tug of war that threatened to pull me apart. Part of me fell naturally into Jasper's arms, caught up in the urgent kiss he pulled me into immediately. Part of me drank him in as he was on the stage, in his element. I was so proud of him. But the pull to Edward was strong. So strong that I could feel his presence across the room even before my eyes found him. So strong that I found myself unconsciously leaning forward, toward him, even when I sat at the table with Emmett, Rosalie, and Mike Newton.

Like a satellite being pulled into orbit.

When we were outside together, the need to touch him was the strongest thing I'd ever felt. I actually cried – it was that painful not to touch him. I felt like even my hair was standing on end – straining for him.

Then Jasper was there and I could sink against him. It wasn't fair because I let his arms be what held me together when it felt like I was falling to pieces. It wasn't fair because I knew he had questions but I didn't have answers and he let me be. He gave me the space I needed.

When I saw what he had done – how he'd worked so damn hard to put our home together to surprise me – my heart expanded and broke at the same time. He deserved so much better than me. In that moment, I wanted what we had back. I wanted to be able to love him with honesty – because in a world without Edward he was the only one I wanted. He deserved that – to be someone's only.

I tried. I tried to capture what we had only a little over a month before. I tried to love him with all of my heart.

I shouldn't have done it. It felt wrong. It felt like cheating and my God, how he didn't deserve that. Even as he filled me and surrounded me, I just wasn't his anymore. I had been able to give him all of me when the parts of me that would always belong to Edward were broken and dark. Those parts that had been dormant after losing Edward were very much alive now that I knew he existed. Vibrant. Screaming for attention and the need to feel just…whole. Screaming for Edward even when I was with Jasper.

None of that was fair.

After Jasper left I fought the urge to go after him. What could I do but hurt him more? He didn't have the whole story, but I wasn't sure that it would be better if he did. When I heard the tires of his car squeal as he got as far away from me as quickly as possible I just felt… I don't know. I felt empty. Fucking desolate.

Even if I'd wanted to go after him, it wasn't as if I had a car here. I'd sold my car in Texas, and Jasper had said we could go shopping for a new one on the weekend – until then he'd drive me to work. It was the tiniest of plans, but even those were shattered now. Everything was just broken.

Not knowing what to do but knowing I didn't want to cry again, I trudged to the bedroom and turned on the light. Despite the numbness I wasn't struggling to push away my heart clenched at the sight that greeted me. All of our things mingling together in a shared space. The only thing new here was the bed – a king sized mattress with a brand new bed spread that he'd picked out.

It was looking likely that we'd never get to share this bed.

I all but fell into it, curling up on the pillow on his side. It smelled like him, but only faintly as he'd only slept here a few nights. I knew that he'd lain here, excited that I was coming home to him soon.

It wasn't fair.

I was so busy trying not to start crying again that I didn't hear the knocks at the door. Jasper had left the door unlocked when he stormed out and I didn't hear the knocker turn the knob and come in. I didn't hear him until he was knocking on my bedroom – our bedroom – door and his silky, worried voice was audible even through the wood. "Bella?"

"Edward." His name came out like a gasp, a lament and a plea all at once. I sat up without even realizing it, my body wanting to go to the door and be in his arms, but my heart torn into too many pieces to even consider it.

Edward sounded uncertain. "The door was open and I was worried when you didn't answer. I just wanted to see if you're okay."

My body continued forward of its own volition but my heart was in control of my voice. I leaned against the closed door, one hand pressed against the wood above the knob just desperate to open it and knowing full well I shouldn't. "I'm fine. You just. You have to leave, Edward." My voice cracked at the last because so much of me didn't want him to go, and that just made the guilt and the hurt so much worse.

"Please, just let me see you. He didn't… Did he hurt you?" Edward asked through the door, and his voice sounded tight.

I recoiled, instantly appalled and defensive. "What? No. Jasper would never do that. Never. Why would you even think that?"

"I just needed to be sure. That's all," he soothed quickly. Then he sighed and I could tell that he was resting his head right against the door. If not for the wood between us, my head would probably be right on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Bella."

That was what finally broke the dam again. I didn't want him to be sorry. I'd hurt him and hurt his brother and I couldn't seem to stop. I sunk down the door with my head in my hands, trying to keep the sobs from coming and then, when that failed, trying to keep them quiet.

He heard though. Of course he heard. Only seconds after I'd drawn my legs up close to my body and leaned with my back against the door, I heard his body slide down his side. His voice came from just a few inches above me. "Bella, please let me in. You shouldn't be alone right now."

Completely at odds with myself, I only cried harder. "You know I can't," I said – my voice just loud enough to be heard. How could I open the door? It was like being outside the restaurant all over again. All I wanted was to be in his arms, but it wasn't right. I was too confused and my boyfriend had just walked out on me. I dug the palms of my hands into my eyes, breathing deep and willing this physical pull I felt to subside.

I heard him sigh and get up. I had to bite my lip to keep from calling out to him. I had to wrap my arms around myself to keep from flinging the door open and begging him to stay. He should go. Just like Jasper. They should both be away from a person who could hurt them as badly as I could.

Then I heard noises in the living room and realized he hadn't left. He was talking to someone. Curious and a little nervous, I put my ear against the door and listened harder, catching only snatches of conversation.

"…name is Edward Cullen…. Yes, that's…. –sper found out…. I don't know…. Yeah. Thanks, Jacob."

I realized what was going on then. He must have used my phone to call Jacob. I'd told him that Jacob was coming home to Seattle to spend time with his dad, so Edward would have known that he was in town.

That brought on a new wave of awful, useless bawling, both because I didn't know how he could have figured out exactly what I needed and because he shouldn't have been so nice to me. In so many ways, this might be easier if either one of them would just scream at me. Sure, Jasper had raised his voice and gotten a little sarcastic, but I deserved much worse.

I heard Edward's footsteps approach the door again. He didn't say anything, just slid down the door again, offering me his silent presence. Again, it was exactly what I needed and I felt so grateful that I would have burst into tears if I wasn't already crying.

The frustrating thing about crying with someone else around is that it automatically brought on pity from them. I found it insane to even consider feeling sorry for myself. Poor me - having two men who loved me; neither of them a bad choice. Jasper wasn't an asshole that abused me or degraded me or anything like that, making Edward the prince who had to ride in and save me. Edward wasn't the town bad boy that I wanted to run off with, leaving my much sturdier, much more boring boyfriend behind.

No, I didn't cry for myself. I cried for them. I cried because I was completely angry and frustrated at my total inability to make this right. If I could take all their suffering and put it on myself, I wouldn't think twice. Let it double the weight on my chest if it meant they could live without being hurt this way.

I loved them. So much.

Even more frustrating was that I knew Edward was on the other side of that door wanting nothing more in the world than to take my pain away.

The sound of a knock at the front door broke into my thoughts. There was another shuffle as Edward stood and opened the door. Again, I put my ear to the wood and listened.

I couldn't hear everything. I heard Jacob's deeper, rumbling voice and pure curiosity made my hand go to the doorknob. I don't know, maybe I figured that with Jacob there I could resist the overwhelming urge to go to Edward. Either way, I stayed where I was on the floor of the bedroom while I carefully eased the door open. Just a crack. Just enough so I could hear.

"I think...maybe I'm making it worse by being here. But I couldn't leave her alone when she was crying like that," Edward was saying.

"Yeah," Jacob said, his voice not unkind. "This is a pretty fucked up situation, man. I don't know what to say." They were both silent for a minute. "That split lip courtesy of your brother?"

"Yes," Edward admitted. "Not much of a conversation. He came in. He punched me and he accused me of trying to take her away from him."

My hand went to my mouth, barely catching the gasp that threatened to expose my eavesdropping. No wonder Edward had been concerned that Jasper had hurt me. It was so far out of his personality to hit anyone, let alone his brother. His blood. I couldn't imagine the state he was in if he had gone after Edward. I couldn't imagine what it was like for Edward to have his brother attack him.

I wasn't worth it.

"Did you at least get him back? I mean, one good punch deserves another, right?" Jacob asked.

There was a pause before Edward answered, and I found myself hoping fervently that the answer was no. "I told Jasper that if it was him she wanted, I wasn't going to fight that. He ... accused me of loving her, and I said I did," Edward said slowly, his voice flat.

He took a deep breath. "Then he walked out and I saw him drive away in the opposite direction of this house. I..." he paused again, his voice losing the dead edge and becoming slightly desperate. "I needed to see if she was alright."

"Hey, man. I get it. I really do. Especially if Jasper was so unhinged. He didn't hurt her, did he?" Jacob asked with a sharpness to his voice.

"Not physically," Edward assured. "I mean - she said he didn't. She hasn't let me see her at all."

"Okay," Jacob said. Another pause and I wished I could see them. "You know, Edward, for the record...you seem like a pretty good guy. Objectively speaking as someone who only wants Bella to happy, I honestly don't know which one of you I should be rooting for."

I scoffed lightly to myself because I didn't know any more than Jacob did.

Before Jacob could come to me, or anything else could happen, the house suddenly got chaotic again. There was the sound of the front door flying open and hitting the wall, and Rosalie's extremely pissed off voice would have filtered through to me just fine even if my door hadn't been cracked open.

"You!" she screeched, the word full of hatred. "What the fuck do you think you're doing here? Get the hell off my property before I muss up your face even more! Take that bitch of yours with you!"

"Rose!" Emmett's deep voice protested instantly.

I froze, my mind for once going blank as I listened to her scream. This was what I wanted, wasn't it? Someone who would actually yell at me and insult me, but like the coward I was, I found myself unable to face her.

"I don't want them here," Rosalie yelled, probably to Emmett. "I don't want _her _here, whoring around like she didn't just destroy Jasper's life."

"Oh, come on, Blondie," Jacob protested. He and Rosalie had only met once and hadn't really hit it off. "Enough with the high school drama. Stop with the name calling."

"Oh, how cute," Rosalie drawled scathingly. "She's got both of her little boyfriends over here at once. What, now that Jasper's out of the picture you can double team her? Well, you know what-"

Unable to listen to Edward and Jacob take a verbal battering that should only be mine, I stood quickly and interrupted her as I came out of the bedroom. "Stop!"

Rosalie was standing, tall and intimidating, in the open doorway with her hands on her hips and her nose about an inch away from Jacob's. Edward stood near Jacob, a bruise very clearly forming on his face and his lip caked with dried blood. Emmett stood slightly behind Rosalie looking perplexed and uncharacteristically helpless.

As I came into the room, Rosalie's eyes instantly snapped away from Jacob to me, narrowing dangerously. I stopped short, trying not to feel like cowering under her withering stare. "Oh, you've finally decided not to let your protectors fight all your battles. How nice," she said, the edge in her voice so sharp that I was surprised I wasn't flayed where I stood. "I want you out of here. Now. Tonight. You can pick up your shit later; I don't want to see you."

Edward stepped forward then, his hands palm out, imploring. "This isn't her fault. You don't know the whole story. Jasper doesn't even know the whole story. Be angry at me, do whatever you want to me, but don't blame her."

I would have protested but Rosalie beat me to it. "Like hell," she shouted. "She's the one who hurt my cousin, my family." She turned back to me, taking a step in my direction and I found myself frozen again, knowing full well that if she was going to hit me, I was going to let her. "He gave up everything for you, moved his entire life, and all you can do is mess around with his brother? What kind of trash does that?"

"I didn't-" I started to protest, but she cut me off instantly.

"I don't care," she hollered. "Get. Out!"

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Edward take a step toward Rosalie, his eyes furious, but then Jacob stepped in front of him and up to me, effectively shielding me from Rosalie's glare with his massive body. His arms went around me and he pulled me close. "It's fine, Bella. You come home with me and everything will look better in the morning…when everyone's calm and they've remembered they are fucking adults," he said, deliberately staring at Rosalie.

Not knowing what else to do or say, I let him guide me to the door. Edward grabbed my purse, slipping my phone into it and walked out ahead of us. He passed Emmett at the door without looking up and waited at the bottom of the steps. I couldn't look at Emmett either, afraid of what I'd see on his normally grinning face.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs I closed my eyes briefly before I looked up. In the depths of Edward's eyes, I found equal parts solace and ache. Just his presence had a distinct calming effect on me, as if I knew instinctively everything would be alright with him by my side. But I also knew I couldn't touch him, and I couldn't have him...not right now. The part of me that was still Jasper's only wouldn't allow it and didn't want it.

As he handed me my purse his eyes were solemn. "I'm so sorry," he mouthed, and it didn't escape my notice that he was very careful not to touch me at all, though I could tell he desperately wanted to. I held his gaze for a moment, just willing him to understand my confusion and how much I wished this was right for all of us, and then let Jacob guide me away.

As we got to Jacob's old Rabbit, Emmett caught up to us and reached out to grab my arm before I got in the car. I didn't look at him, too ashamed because I knew that he knew I'd hurt his best friend and he knew I'd let him help pack up all of our things without telling Jasper about Edward first. Needless to say, I wasn't prepared for what came out of his mouth in light of those facts. "Hey, B. I'm sorry about all this."

Pure shock made my head snap up, my eyes meeting his. Even in the dim light I could see he was serious. "It's not like I can blame her," I murmured, my voice coming out strained. I was barely keeping it together, on the verge of another round of sobbing that I'd rather hold off on. I didn't deserve to cry - not in front of Emmett, Rosalie and Edward. "I don't want to cause more trouble than I already have."

Emmett cast a look back at where his fiancé was standing on the porch, her arms crossed and her eyes narrowed into dangerous slits. He sighed. "I don't know what's going on...but I know you love Jasper, and I don't think you would have hurt him intentionally. Even a jackass like me can figure that out," he said, his voice a little thicker than normal. I realized he was drunk and wondered if he would feel this generous in the morning.

I paused, knowing that I didn't deserve the answer to the question I was about to ask. I needed to try though. I needed to know he was okay. "Emmett…is he… Where did he go?"

Emmett didn't answer right away, swaying on his feet as he thought it through, likely weighing if he was breaking a confidence by talking. "His parents, I think," he said finally.

I balked. "Jesus...all the way to Forks, tonight?"

I'd literally run my boyfriend out of town.

_How did this happen?_

~0~

Jacob told me not to be stupid and to quit blaming myself for things that were entirely out of my control. He said I couldn't go back in time, so that was a useless thought if ever he'd heard one. He said that love isn't a promise that things wouldn't ever change. There were no guarantees. He rejected my idea of leaving them both alone because it wouldn't solve a damn thing. My absence hadn't changed Edward's love for me, and Jasper would be left without the closure he deserved, if that's where we were headed.

In a pathetically small voice, I asked Jacob if he thought Jasper and I were impossible now.

He hesitated and then answered honestly. "It all depends on what you both can live with, Bella. If you can deal with your feelings for Edward and never act on them and if Jasper can deal with the fact that what you feel for his brother is stronger than what you feel for him…" He cut off then because I started crying again. My grief was palpable. It was exactly like watching something beautiful dying in front of your eyes while you were absolutely helpless to stop it.

Jacob didn't say anything after that. He just led me to the guest bedroom of his father's house, tucked me under a pile of blankets and held me tightly as I cried myself to sleep in his arms.

The next morning I tried Jasper. His phone went straight to voicemail. Trying to give him space, I just left him a message to call me when he could.

After trying unsuccessfully to get me to eat a little lunch, Jacob drove me to my dad's house. I'm sure I must have looked like hell because Charlie opened the door with a smile that fell as soon as he saw my face. "What did he do?"

That set me off all over again. I was sick of crying so much, and both Charlie and Jacob's arms around me held no comfort at all.

After I explained the situation, Charlie sat there with a blank look on his face. He'd never been good with the advice as it was, but this was beyond anyone's ability to deal with. I sat at the kitchen table, wiping stray tears away furiously while Charlie sighed. He ran a hand over his mustache. He sighed again.

"Bells," he started finally, and I held my breath wanting with a fierceness for him to have some magical insight – some pearl of parental wisdom that would solve this La Brea Tar Pit sticky situation. "This life isn't always going to go the way you planned. You know – I can't tell you how this part of your story is going to end. All I can tell you is what I know from experience.

"My intentions for your mother and my life were good, and when she left me, I didn't lose just my wife and daughter – I lost a whole life I'd worked for, and planned for…and wanted," he said thoughtfully. I buried my head in my hands, gripping my hair because I didn't want to start crying again and I didn't want to imagine Jasper alone as long as my dad had been.

"Hey, Bella, listen," Charlie implored, his hand patting my back awkwardly. I forced myself to put my hands back on the table. He sighed, and continued. "It wasn't your mother's fault that she needed things I couldn't ever give her. I have no doubt that she loved me. Until the day she died, I know she loved me, but that wasn't what she needed out of life.

"But you know what, baby? I don't regret it. Not just because I could never regret you, but because for whatever short period we had, your mother and I loved each other honestly and truly. I wouldn't change that." He scratched his head, searching for the right words. "I'm not good at this. Look, you can't avoid life - it's going to go on, exactly how it wants to, with or without your permission. Life is all of it, you know? You can't pick and choose the good parts."

I nodded that I understood that.

It wasn't even remotely comforting, but I understood.

~0~

It was days before my phone rang with Jasper's familiar ring tone.

I stared at the phone, half elated and half scared out of my mind.

Emmett had been in touch via text when he could, though I told him not to if it was going to get him into trouble with Rosalie. He had told me that Jasper had spent a few days with Carlisle and Esme but that he was back at the guesthouse now and he looked like hell. He had apparently gotten into it with Rosalie when he learned that she'd kicked me out of the house, but other than that wasn't really talking to anyone. On the one hand, it was a good sign that he didn't hate me. On the other hand, it fucking killed me how much trouble I was causing for everyone.

If only I could force this fucked up, tornado of a situation to centralize the devastation just to me.

Taking a deep breath, I answered my phone.

"Jasper?"

There was silence on the other end for so long I wondered if I'd waited too long to answer. Then he sighed and spoke. "I'm ready to listen. Tell me everything. Everything," he said warningly. "From California to two minutes ago."

I bit my lip, swallowing hard before I continued. "Okay," I agreed.

And I told him everything.

I told him about meeting Edward and how it was confusing and amazing all at once. How it didn't make sense then. How I didn't even want to tell him my name and how frightening it was to feel such intensity for a person I hadn't known hours before.

How, as the day progressed and I knew more about him, the intense feeling only got impossibly stronger.

I told him about the earthquake and waking up feeling like half of me was gone.

I told him how I couldn't ever get over it. I tried with Jacob, and I just couldn't forget Edward or this hole in my chest. It never got better.

Then, shortly after Jacob, I just accepted that it would always be a part of me.

I told him how it felt when I saw Edward again for the first time. How I couldn't even think, and I couldn't quite believe it was real. I told him about how I went to his apartment that Saturday, and how we'd talked and we had almost kissed but we didn't.

I apologized over and over again for keeping him in the dark while I was in Texas. I told him that I was trying to separate what was real from what was pure emotion. I told him that I knew it wasn't fair not to talk to him but it wouldn't have been fair to tell him something so major over the phone either.

I told him that talking with Edward was innocent, however ill advised. How we both knew that we couldn't ignore each other.

I just kept on repeating that nothing I'd told him was a lie. Everything about us and what I'd told him I the months we'd been together was utter truth. I just didn't know. I didn't know that Edward still existed.

"If I had known he was alive, I never would have-" I cut myself off, clapping my hand over my mouth because the thought of not knowing Jasper at all was unimaginable.

He was quiet for a long time – just the sound of his slightly labored breathing assuring me he was still there. "As long as he's alive, I never had a chance, did I?" I didn't answer. I couldn't. "Well, fuck, maybe I should just kill him then," he said wryly.

I knew that he wasn't being serious, but the very thought of living through losing Edward again was entirely too painful. However irrational it was, my throat constricted and my heart sped, clenching with a deep-seeded fear. "Don't- Don't…"

"Damn it, Bella," Jasper muttered sounding thoroughly irritated.

"This is killing me, Jasper. I-I… I hate this. It's killing me to hurt you and it's killing me that you hate him now. It's not his fault," I said, knowing full well that I was probably going to make things worse. I had to try though. If there was no chance for us, and that was looking increasingly impossible, at least he should have a relationship with his brother.

"The hell it isn't," Jasper snapped. "He should have stayed away. When he saw you – he should have just stayed away."

Now he was the one being irrational. "He would have! Where do you think he went on Thanksgiving? He could have confronted you then, but he didn't. He ran so he wouldn't. But then what, Jasper? His parents are your parents. And it's not like he loves you any less. He…he told me… how much he missed you. And that he liked spending time with you."

"Yeah," Jasper chuffed with a harsh, humorless laugh. "I don't want to talk about him," he growled. "Tell me what to do, Bella. Tell me how to fight this. I told you before we left Texas that I wasn't ready to be done with us, but how do I fight this?"

"I don't know," I admitted, sounding as broken as I felt. "I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could let it go. You know that I want our life together. You know how much I wanted it. None of that was a lie," I begged for him to understand.

He sighed and when he spoke again he sounded so tired. "I know it wasn't a lie," he said simply.

I bit my lip, trying not to whimper. "Can I see you? Please, Jasper."

"Sure. Why not? Not like I can avoid it. Like you said – we're brothers. Family dinners sure are going to be awkward from here on out, I suppose," he said dryly.

I covered my mouth because I couldn't help the painful cry that escaped then. "If…we're over… I'm not going to go running into his arms."

"Why not?" Jasper asked, bitterly. "You want to, don't you? Why put off the inevitable?"

"I want to see you," I repeated, deflecting as my breath shuddered and the useless tears started again. "Fuck! I want us. I do. I love you. I want you."

"I love you and I want you too. And you know how much I want us," he said raggedly. "Fucking… I just… Damn it! What we have is worth fighting for, but I can't always be second to my brother, Bella. I can't be with you and always be wondering if it's him you're thinking about."

"You know that I know that, right? It shouldn't be that way," I said plaintively, wishing I could change things.

He chuffed again. "You know what they say, darlin'. Life's hard, get a fucking helmet."

We were both quiet for another few moments, neither one of us wanting to say goodbye. I wanted to beg him not to let us go. I wanted to tell him that I would feel different with time, but I knew better than to make promises I couldn't keep. I had been in love with Edward since I was nineteen years old, and that wasn't going to change. We both knew it.

"I've gotta go," he said, his voice choked and pained. "I'll call you. We have to figure things out anyway…about our stuff."

"Jasper…" I cried out, but it was too late. The phone had gone silent and a glance at it confirmed that the call had disconnected.

For the first time, I didn't try to hold back my tears. I just let them take me. I sobbed and wailed into my pillow without regard to who heard me.

I knew Charlie came in, but I was too incoherent to acknowledge him. He went away and a little while later I was aware of another presence in the room. Strong arms wrapped around me and I didn't hesitate. I grabbed fists full of his shirt and clung to him like I was drowning – for all the air I could get into my burning lungs, I may as well have been.

Somehow, the fact that I desperately wished that it was Edward who held me instead of Jacob only made me cry harder.

**A/N: *cough* Trust. Please. **

**For the sake of everyone needing a little laugh after all the flippin' heart fail, I've included the notes I found in my author's note from my darling, darling, darling girls. Thanks to Melly and jadedandboring for betawork. This is them:**

**Kris is a meany and a Melly and Jasper hater. If she loved Melly at all, she would kill Bella in a fiery car accident so Jasper would have some vindication. Because Bella still breathes in this chapter, it is proof of Kris's un-love for her ficwife Melly.**

**While she never wants to come between ficwives, jadedandboring is fighting Melly on the whole "killing Bella" thing. It's not fair. And for the record Melly, my suggestion was a thousand times funnier IMO. ;-) (Kris really is a saint for letting Melly and jaded play in her gdocs all the time.)**

**Kris is tempted to leave all these notes in so that her darling readers can have a good laugh...and pelt Melly with...something. **

**I mean...seriously, if Bella was dead Jasper would just be MORE heartbroken...WHAT'S THE POINT?**

**Melly says the point is that no one getting the girl is better than Edward twisting the knife that Bella put in Jasper's back. Yep-yep. And it would make Melly feel better too.**

**Me: You can yell at me if you want. Hit the review button…I'm under my desk waiting.**


	14. What is Life But Reckoning

**Chapter 13: What is Life But Reckoning**

**A/N: Oh, mah, goodness. Some of you are not pleased. Not pleased AT. ALL. Trust darlins. I love Jasper just as much as you do, I promise.**

**Disclaimer: These beautiful creatures belong to SM. **

_**"Cuz the finish line is a shifty thing**_  
_**And what is life but reckoning**_  
_**And, you know**_  
_**You are still the song i sing**_  
_**To myself**_  
_**When I'm alone,"**_

_**-Reckoning, Ani DiFranco**_

**January**

**Carlisle Cullen POV **

Our boys were hurting and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

When Edward had first told me about everything, I was struck dumb. Back then he was the angry, heartbroken one. Of course, just a little over a week later they had switched places.

Jasper didn't get up until almost four in the afternoon the day he came home. When he came downstairs, he sat at the kitchen table looking as haggard as if he hadn't slept at all. He didn't say anything at first, just sat down and put his head in his hands.

_Neither Esme nor I said anything. Despite the long years we spent apart, Jasper was still the same boy we had raised since he was a toddler. He would talk when he was ready and not a moment sooner, we both knew this._

_So Esme brought him hot coffee. When he thanked her, she offered him lunch. He declined with a shake of his head, looking down at the cup he cradled between his hands. Esme sat down and we both waited._

_Minutes went by in silence. When Jasper finally spoke he didn't look up - he just kept staring at his coffee. "Why did he tell you?"_

It took me a while to understand what Jasper's line of questioning was all about, and it struck me then that we are all, in some way, bound by the insecurities we were born into. He was feeling understandably uncertain about everything and was unconsciously fearful that we would choose Edward over him.

No matter that Esme had always accepted him as her own, there was a part of him which feared that Edward was our son and he was just an accident; a consequence.

Fate was funny that way, though. I could say that I regretted the battles I fought with alcoholism, but at the same time, without them I never would have had Jasper. As much as it had been my greatest weakness and made a portion of my life a fantastic struggle, I couldn't bring myself to wish it hadn't happened. The cost was too great.

I suppose it might have been foolish of me, but I truly believed that sometimes even the painful, difficult things – even the mistakes - happened for a reason.

So I did my best to assure both of my sons that I was there for them; both of them. Not one more than the other – because this was a blameless situation. Not one of them was more responsible than the other, though they both had made mistakes.

Of course, in a situation where no one was really at fault, there was little comfort Esme and I could offer our boys, and so they withdrew.

"Sweetheart, why don't you come down for the weekend?" Esme was coaxing one afternoon when I came home from work. I sat at the table playing a game of guess which son she was talking to as I watched her expression. She was pensive but seemed hopeful. I sighed. Both of them were turning her invitations down more often than they were accepting. "I was thinking of making pot roast with plenty of celery. It's been a while since we had a proper pot roast, don't you think?"

Ah, she was talking to Jasper. He had always loved her roast because she made it with celery, carrots and pearl onions. He usually ate all the celery, Edward ate all the carrots and I loved the onions.

Esme loved watching us all enjoy a meal together.

God, it had been too long.

As I watched, Esme's face darken slightly and sighed, realizing I had gotten my hopes up too. "No," Esme murmured into the phone, "Edward's not going to be here. You know we wouldn't do that," she said quietly, sadly.

I winced.

Seeing my sons at odds with each other was harder than everything else. Jasper was angry at Edward – logically or not. Edward's anger from December had abated and every time I saw him he looked more and more defeated. He confessed that he hated the rift between them, but he didn't know how to make that right anymore than he knew how to not feel the way he did about Bella.

Edward and Jasper were in agreement. They both blamed Edward for the whole situation. Edward's guilt existed on many levels. He hated that he'd been the catalyst that broke up a good thing between his brother and the woman he loved. Because he was in love with Bella, he hated that she had lost a life she'd planned and worked hard for. He felt that he'd lost them both forever and despite the fact that his mother and I tried to assure him that Jasper wouldn't hold a grudge that long, it was not something we could guarantee.

He was bowed and broken. Jasper was tense and angry.

I watched as Esme's dark look brightened and she smiled. "Oh, good. I'll see you Saturday then sweetheart," she said, and I knew her well enough to hear that she was trying to keep the triumph out of her voice.

I felt a measure of relief. She'd obviously gotten Jasper to agree. It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

After she'd hung up I went to her, wrapping my arms around her from behind and resting my head against hers. She put her hands on mine, leaning back into my embrace as we reassured each other silently. Step by step, we would get our family through this.

Esme and I hadn't a choice but to wait and offer our boys what comfort we could in the form of home cooked meals and the assurance that life had a tendency to only make sense when you looked back at it.

**February**

**Jacob Black POV**

I really had to laugh. It wasn't funny, but I was laughing anyway.

"What, man?" the perplexed kid in front of me looked like he wasn't sure if he should be frowning at me or laughing with me.

"It's just that they're so alike. I mean, you've been telling me how Edward blames himself for everything being so crappy right now...and everything you said he said? Yeah, it's like you've been listening to Bella instead of him," I said in between chortles, shaking my head.

The first week of February had been the opening of Edward's exhibit at the museum and Bella had all but begged me to go. She said she wanted to support him but she couldn't be there - not with him and definitely not with the subject of the exhibit – which, by the way, I would probably find very interesting.

Hint, hint, hint.

I wasn't comfortable about it, but I went anyway. I had to do something. Bella wasn't smiling for anything and I was a pretty funny guy. But hey - looks aren't everything, I guess.

It was really a nice exhibit. It wasn't my thing, but I could appreciate the way it was put together. But I knew I wasn't really here to look at artifacts and read about the myths of past civilization.

No, I was there to look at Edward - in a totally non 'he's so dreamy' way. Bella hadn't asked me to directly, but I knew it was what she really wanted. She had been worrying, of course. She had an in with Emmett to know how Jasper was holding up. She didn't have anyone to tell her how Edward was doing. Between Jasper and Edward, the girl had no time to worry about herself.

She spent a couple of weeks at her dad's place, getting herself together and looking for a place to live on her own. Mostly, she was doing okay. Surviving, anyway. She kept going to work and doing what was expected of her. There were really bad days when she couldn't hold her tears - like when Jasper had all her stuff boxed up and waiting for her on the lawn of their place. He wasn't even there.

Bella cried a lot that day, especially when she thought I couldn't hear her. She still cried a lot behind the closed doors of her office - but not the weepy, poor-me tears. No, I knew Bella well enough to know that she mostly cried out of pure frustration. That was Bella. Her tears were hard wired to her frustration and anger, and I'd seen her angry plenty of times. Angry was almost funny because she got all uppity and bounced around and sometimes she even stomped her foot like you see in the movies. This wasn't anger – it was pure pain and frustration.

Anyway, I was hanging out at the exhibit when it struck me for the first time just how similar Edward and Bella were.

Edward was doing the same thing I'd been watching Bella do for weeks now. He was greeting people, smiling with his lips and answering questions. The moment he thought no one was looking though, his shoulders slumped. His eyes darted around, looking for someone.

It didn't take a mind reader to know who he was hoping would show up.

_"I know I'm not as pretty, but I'm here," I said as I went up to him._

_Edward blinked momentarily and opened his mouth to deny it but I shut him up quickly._

_"You know you don't have to pretend you weren't hoping," I said. I saw it with Bella day in and day out - the way she pretended she was fine. The way she pretended she didn't want Edward to just be there. She felt like it was unfair to Jasper, and it was, but that was life. What? She'd taken a chance and ended up hurting someone, so she didn't deserve happiness?_

_"She wanted to be here," I told Edward, "She just..."_

_"I get it," he said quietly. "I didn't really expect her to come."_

_There was an awkward silence – because really, we didn't know each other except for the night we met. What a clusterfuck that night was. _

"_So, how are you holding up?" I asked at the same time he said, "Is Bella okay?"_

_He sighed. "You're not here because you're concerned about me," he said flatly._

"_Nope," I admitted. "I'm here because Bella is concerned about you."_

_For a split second I saw the glint of hope flash across his eyes as he looked up. I saw his lips quirk. He pushed it down quickly though, frowning. "She shouldn't be concerned about me, that's crazy."_

"_Well, you should know by now that she's a crazy girl."_

_He looked up at me from under ridiculously long eyelashes. If I was a chick – or swung that way – I could see how it would get me going. I mean, it doesn't matter if you're a boy or girl, pretty eyes just do things for a person, you know? And this motherfucker had pretty eyes. _

_He smiled then, a genuine, fond smile. A little sad. A little wistful. "She is crazy," he agreed softly. Then his smile fell and I could see the ache and want written all over his face. Again, it was like a mirror of Bella. _

_They were cut from the same cloth and anyone could see it. _

I met Seth Clearwater at that same party. We got to talking. It was just one of those things, ya know? It worked out because Bella needed me to be there for her to lean on, and I needed someone to talk to when things with her got tough to handle.

Seth made for a good link in the support system. He worshiped the ground Edward walked on and once he found out about Bella and the whole tangled web there, he cared about her by proxy. He helped me keep tabs on Edward for Bella without me having to resort to any creepy stalker type maneuvers. There wasn't a lot I wouldn't do for Bella, but looking like a pretty dude's stalker was one of them. Believe that.

So we had lunch together once a week.

It made sense in a lot of ways. Seth was my wingman just like I was Bella's. If I needed to vent because things were getting ridiculous – and believe me, Bella could be very ridiculous with this whole business of all the woes in the world being her fault – he was willing to listen. He could commiserate because he was baffled by Edward's insistence that it was his fault.

You know – for being extremely logical people – Edward and Bella were insanely illogical when it came to …them.

Because, honestly, the only way they could have stopped this from happening was if Bella had stopped herself from accidentally tripping.

Or if Edward had been listening to Georgia On My Mind when he was deciding he needed a break from Forks.

I mean – come on.

But you couldn't tell them that.

I shook my head at Seth and he grinned back at me. "What can ya do?" he said with a shrug. "I figure – they can't have gone through everything they have just to ignore each other for the rest of their lives."

"I don't know," I mumbled. "They're both stupid stubborn."

"And they both think what they're doing is what's right for the other," Seth agreed.

I sighed. He sighed.

"So," Seth perked up – changing the subject before either of us could get frustrated with our friends, "Didn't you have a date last week?"

I perked up. "Lizzie. Yeah."

And that was another thing Seth was fantastic for. It sucked that I didn't feel like I could tell Bella about my love life. I missed my best friend in that way. But I didn't want to be the cause of anymore hurt on her part. I didn't want her to have to pretend to smile and be glad for me… and I knew she'd be happy that I found someone but it always sucked when your best friend was happy when you were heartbroken.

**March**

**Tanya Ivanov POV**

It was, of course, a product of my past that I enjoyed besting men in their own arenas.

Seduction was still mainly a man's game. Women were not meant to play that part, though we could, if we wanted to. I certainly did. I learned the art of reeling a man in and I played by my own rules.

But I was not cruel. My conquests were willing. I never lied to them; never fed them a false line aside from the somewhat overzealous compliments to their manhood or prowess. I was not cruel about it like my father, the twins' father and, of course, Vasilli's murdering son of a whore father.

It was my experience that I could not show vulnerability. So in life and in my relationships, I was in charge. Always.

Except with Edward.

I did miss our physical intimacy. He was a good lover; generous and very much in tune with what I'd needed. When I needed to be led instead of leading, or when I needed to control our encounters without effort, he always knew.

Of course - he was never mine, and I knew that. I still saw him from time to time. He needed someone now who understood what was happening to him, and I did. Mostly. I had to confess I did not understand why they insisted on staying apart; why he did not fight for her. He said it was her choice. She had never said she wanted a life with him and he was not going to argue that point. It was frustrating.

It was often that I wished I could let my guard down and simply live as most people were allowed to - loving and losing with reckless abandon. If my mother were still alive, if I could have my childhood and my trust back, I would not hesitate to love freely.

But, as it was, I could not turn back that clock and stop my mother and brother's murders. So here I was.

It was lucky for me that I was good at what I did. I was good at pretending that I did not know I was a woman in a man's world. As it was in my personal life, so was it in my business life. My company made iced tea and iced tea dispensers - as you see in theaters and fast food restaurants. I was the one who set up the connection between us - the vendor - and the client.

Mostly, I met with men. I was good at controlling the situation. They underestimated or dismissed me, but that was to their own detriment. Perhaps if they took me seriously, they would have found themselves on the better side of the bargains we struck.

I did very much enjoy when I met a woman in the same game as me.

Today I was in the office of one Isabella Swan. This would be interesting. If I could get this account we would become a vendor to a chain of resorts - a very lucrative deal indeed.

As I waited for the woman to arrive, I looked over her shelves. There were so many books. I smiled because I recognized a great many of them from the books that Edward had in his apartment. There was also a number of nick knacks – a delicate B made of glass atop a pedestal of roses, a gold apple with Greek lettering printed across it and…

I knew that watch.

Disbelieving, I stood and crossed to the shelves. I picked up the old, battered woman's watch and passed it from hand to hand – the same way I'd seen Edward do all those years ago. It could not be – but somehow I knew in whose office I was currently standing.

Isabella Swan was Edward's Bella.

I had to chuckle. This was - what was the word? Gratuitous? No, fortuitous.

"Excuse me," said a voice from the doorway. There was a chill to her tone.

I set the watch down and turned to appraise the woman. Edward was such an enigma in many ways. It was satisfying a long curiosity to finally meet the woman who had captured his heart so completely that there could never be another.

Her eyes narrowed perceptibly and she stood taller - straighter under my blatant stare. "Ms. Ivanov. I didn't realize I knew you well enough that you would feel comfortable touching my personal things," she said pointedly; calmly.

"I apologize. Of course, you do not know me personally. I am a," Hmm - how to introduce myself. "...friend, of your Edward's."

As I watched, her eyes widened - but only for a moment. The deep ache she kept carefully hidden behind her mask slipped through. "Edward isn't mine," she said quietly, her tone clipped.

"Ah, of course he is," I chuckled. I could not help but laugh. This woman owned that man to the point that she had taken him off the market to other women even in death.

She looked at me, stuck somewhere between curious and angry. I knew that look. Whether she wanted to or not she was assessing me as competition.

She was obviously wondering how well I knew Edward. So I told her, blatantly. I had no need to be secretive, so I wasn't.

Watching her reactions was telling. It was easy to see the anger that she kept under careful control. I must admit I was actually trying to spark her jealousy. Jealousy was a useful emotion when it came to evoking action.

What was the expression? Someone needed to light a fire under her ass.

Because it did not take much observation for me to see why Edward was so in love with her. She was strong and smart. Despite her obvious irritation and jealousy, she seemed genuinely interested and concerned when I explained my own history and how my thoughts on physical relationships matched Edward's...and _why_ they did.

"I don't think Edward realized that I knew he was not with _me_ the last time he was with me, you understand. After all the time we've spent together, I know his body well. He was...struggling, does that translate?" I asked her.

She blushed a deep shade of red. "I'm not sure I should know this," she mumbled.

Again I had to laugh. "This not coming out as I want it to. He was struggling to finish because I was not you. It was your name he whispered in the...height of the moment." I smiled, remembering that bittersweet moment.

Bella's lips quirked and I could see that she felt she should apologize, so I continued quickly. "I don't believe he meant to do it. You know Edward. He is such a gentleman that he never would have done it consciously," I mused.

She smiled, a small, adoring smile and I knew she was thinking of him. "He is yours for the taking," I told her. "I must admit I wonder why you don't go to him. He would welcome you, you realize?"

"I can't do that," she said quickly, dismissively.

"You don't want to?" I asked, honestly curious. Perhaps this was a one way attraction for Edward?

She stared down at her desk, at her hands, and then she was shockingly honest. "There have been so many days when it was all I wanted. But how does that make sense to anyone? For anyone?"

"Has no one told you to follow your heart?" I asked her.

Her lips turned down and her eyes, when they looked at me, were hard. "Follow my heart," she repeated, chuffing under her breath. "My heart is what made me follow Edward that day. My heart is what led me to Jacob – who I hurt. My heart led me to Jasper… who-," she cut off, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. I guessed that wound was still open and fresh.

When she opened her eyes again all the anger had faded leaving behind only the hurt that reminded me so much of Edward. "My heart doesn't have a very good sense of direction," she said softly.

How could they not see that they didn't have to hurt like this? All of lives came with the promise of pain – but this devastation was their own choice.

"It's not fair to, er," I stopped, trying to remember Edward's brother's name, "Jasper that this happened – that is true. But he truly loved you, right?"

She nodded, her face awash in guilt and sadness.

"And, doubtless, he truly loves his brother. I cannot believe he would rather you martyr yourself and your happiness in his name," I pointed out.

She didn't answer.

"Destiny is a strange thing to consider. Some things are meant to be no matter how hard we fight them – but I think that it is dangerous to let fate dictate your life as it seems to have a flair for the dramatics. I would say that fate had to take extreme measures to put you and Edward in each other's path again. Perhaps it is time to let what is, be."

**April**

**Emmett McCarty PoV**

I was in over my head. Like...by a lot.

I mean, we're talking complete fuckery here. We're talking lives being destroyed.

And I'm not a melodramatic man.

Thing was - I'd always done what made sense in the moment. A few months ago, when I finally figured out what was going on between Jasper, Bella and Jasper's brother, Edward, what made sense was to get my boy very, very drunk.

Of course I knew Jasper's family history. How could I not? His history is my baby's history, and that was something Rose didn't _let _me forget.

As a normal, young person, I drank. It's just going to happen. I wasn't an idiot about it. Well...okay, I'd had my moments of idiocy under the influence, but that's a different story and a rite of passage.

So I knew about Jasper's history - but that hadn't stopped him from getting drunk before. He was careful on most nights and he didn't have anything to drink at all. Other nights he might toss back a beer or a shot or two and that was that. Occasionally...well, like I said, we had a good time.

The day after he came home from spending a couple of days hiding out at his parents, I went out into my backyard, where the guest house was, to find Jasper sitting on the steps. Motherfucker was entirely disconsolate. His shoulders were slumped, his head was bowed...he looked like he was folding in on himself. I mean - he could have taught Eeyore a thing or two about total despondence.

_I plunked myself down beside him and just waited for him to speak._

_It didn't take long. "I think I just broke up with Bella," he said flatly, looking down at his feet._

_All the air left me in a big whooooosh._

_Obviously, all the yelling and punching and Rose kicking Bella out and Jasper disappearing to his folks' had clued me into the fact that things were bad._

_But that bad?_

_Because I have a knack for it, I said exactly the wrong thing. "Is that what you really want?"_

It wasn't the smartest thing anybody had ever said, but it did make him come alive. He was all sarcastic and bitter. Really bitter.

The gist was – no, it wasn't what he really wanted. He couldn't have what he really wanted but he couldn't be the third wheel in his own relationship either.

Not that I knew what the hell that was supposed to mean.

So that evening I did the only thing I could think to do. I all but dragged him to the nearest bar, set a beer down in front of him and told him to get it all off his chest.

And he did.

And the more he told me, the more alcohol I ordered.

Because – fuck, what was I supposed to do with that?

By the end of the night we were both actually giddy. At some point, Jasper had started laughing and he couldn't seem to stop. And it was funny then – hysterical even. I mean, come on. What were the odds – really?

We were beyond trashed by the time Rose had to be called to pick us up. She. Was. _Pissed_.

It's a good thing we thought ahead and bought a house with a guestroom because believe me when I say that's where I was forced to sleep for a couple of nights afterward.

She was all over me about how could I do that, and wasn't I his friend blah, blah, blah. There was a difference between social drinking and drinking as medication and guess which one was worse, especially for someone with a predisposition toward alcoholism.

I argued that my boy needed a night to just forget. Just one night. It wasn't going to do any harm if it was just one night.

Except that he was so down, I did it again the next week … and the week after that.

I tried to be good - but shit just kept coming up. Like when Rosalie had all of Bella's stuff packed up and told her that Jasper wanted her shit gone. Jasper didn't know about it until after the fact. He'd come home to find all of Bella's stuff missing and he was extraordinarily upset at how Rose had handled the situation ... and that Bella thought it was him who'd packed her up.

And honestly, alcohol was in order to stop the angst fest that followed _that _fiasco.

In my defense – it all made sense at the time. When Jasper got his drink on, I actually got to see him smile again; got to see the tension he carried himself with fade for a little while. I thought it was worth it. I made sure not to get drunk with him so I could take care of him and keep out of trouble with Rose. As long as we were good about it, there wasn't any reason she had to find out.

He seemed fine. Honestly, he did. Toward the end of March he'd really started to relax more and talked to everyone more easily. He'd found odd jobs here and there so he had an income and he was talking about taking his parents up on their offer to pay for him to finish school. After all, they'd told him, they had been paying for his education when he ran off to Texas. It wasn't as if it would put a strain on them.

Still, there were incidents here and there that should have had me worried.

In March, our newly formed band played for the first time since Jasper and Bella broke up. Jasper was _drunk._ In the past, he might have nursed a beer or two before we got on stage and had a drink afterward, but no more than that. He had never been drunk on stage before. The crowd loved it because he was all sorts of goofy with them, interacting and smiling as he played and sang for them. I told myself it was better than him pulling some type of Wedding Singer move and sharing his, well, heartbreak through song to an uncomfortable audience.

But even with that, no red flashing danger, Will Robinson, danger lights sounded in my head. He just didn't look like he was in trouble. Even on the days that he was drunk, it wasn't like he was doing anything stupider than singing a bit too loud and being more up in my bubble – or whoever's bubble he happened to be closest to – than normal.

Looks can be deceiving though, and I didn't have to look further than Jasper's own father to figure that out. I'd met Carlisle Cullen. He'd been nice enough to help us unpack after we'd moved. He didn't have to do that. Rosalie and I - we weren't his family. But that didn't matter to him. This is not a man who you would take to have an alcohol problem. Even his voice was gentle.

But Rose's Momma had stories about that man that could make your toes curl. I knew. I'd heard them. It was hard to match those stories to Carlisle- like trying to put a round peg in a square hole and believe me, I knew that from experience.

Then again, Jasper was living proof of the senior Cullen's many alcohol related indiscretions. Knocking up a virtual stranger over spring break? It didn't exactly reek of class.

Even knowing all of that, I was just…in serious denial at the road my best friend had started down.

He had alcohol.

It was not a problem.

Right?

One night, it became astoundingly obvious just how wrong I was. He called me – thankfully while Rosalie was out with a friend she'd made named Vera. He was slurring so badly into the phone that I could barely understand him. I managed to get him to get the bartender on the phone – because I had at least figured out that he was at a bar. I got an address and was out the door as quickly as possible. Getting drunk with your friends is one thing. Getting drunk on your own? That was a bad idea for a lot of reasons.

The address turned out to be to the restaurant and bar where we'd played the fucked up night that Bella came home from Texas. When I figured that out I got a sick feeling in my stomach. What the hell was he thinking, coming here?

"Emmett!" Jasper yelled cheerily, looking happy to see me. He clapped me on the back a little too hard for comfort. It kind of stung a little, not that I was going to acknowledge that. I had a reputation to uphold and all. "Good, you're here. Let me get you a drink, can I get you a drink?"

I grimaced. "Naw, man I'm alright."

"Hey, alright. The night is young," he said amiably, patting the stool beside him. He grinned his huge grin and I almost smiled back at him. He just seemed so relaxed. This couldn't be bad, could it?

I had to remind myself that his mother's friends and family had said the same thing and she was still in prison. I didn't want that for him.

But, like I said before, I was in way over my head. I didn't know how to stop this.

Jasper ambled off stating his need to pee. Once he was out of eyeshot I straight face-palmed. "Fuck," I mumbled out loud.

The bartender, not the cute little chick from a few months ago but a harried looking guy whose name tag said he was Tyler, looked relieved as he walked over. "He's been here every night for the last three nights. Always alone. I was beginning to think his friends were in his head."

I rubbed my forehead. I wasn't good in serious situations. I'd always laughed and joked with people when shit went wrong. If they're smiling, it can't be the end of the world, right? You can call it defense mechanisms or whatever – I wasn't dumb enough to not see that I was good at avoidance. It was why I had been wandering around the country for most of my twenties.

But I had a family now. I had a fiancé who was going to be rightfully pissed the hell off and disappointed in my choices and a best friend I had to acknowledge was heading down a very, very dangerous road very, very quickly.

"He's been taking a cab home but his card was declined," Tyler the bartender was saying.

I grimaced again, catching his meaning and digging for my debit card.

"There you are!" Jasper's unusually loud voice made me turn my head.

He was near the entrance to the bar; stumbling over to someone I couldn't see. I got up quickly, feeling nervous because I didn't know the situation.

I'd asked Jasper recently if he was seeing anyone and he'd scoffed. Now he was looking at the woman who'd just walked in the door with a weirdly large smile.

She looked back at him and the hope I'd felt briefly dropped at her obviously surprised expression. Well, crap. If she wasn't expecting him, I should stop him before he embarrassed himself.

"Now, you and I have not been properly introduced," he was saying, stopping with what looked to be a good amount of distance between him and the woman.

"I know who you are, Jasper Whitlock," she said gently, an odd smile playing at her lips. I had to blink then, because I suddenly recognized her as the bartender girl from the first night.

Jasper looked puzzled. "Have we met then?"

She paused, looking uncertain about something. "Your brother talked about you a lot," she answered finally.

Jasper's face darkened and I held my breath, wondering if I should step in now. But then he laughed. It was that bitter laugh that I really hated. "My brother. Well, he sure is good at getting to everything first, isn't he? That's the way it always was in high school. All the girls looked at him before anyone else."

Surprisingly, the little bartender girl just rolled her eyes. "Don't be stupid. It's not like that with Edward. He's like _my _little brother." She cocked her head, watching him. "Why? Why would it matter if I was seeing him like that?"

He blinked at her, processing her words as he swayed on his feet. I hovered, wondering if he was going to fall over. His face fell and he looked…lost. He looked so much younger and vulnerable for a minute. "I don't know why it would matter," he mumbled. "I just…" He ran a hand over his eyes and sat heavily in a nearby booth.

"I don't really know how to explain it," he finally mumbled, his voice slurring badly enough that it took me a minute to process his words. "I see you, sometimes. And I don't know why. I was… thinking about Bella. But when I dream – I dream about you. It doesn't make any sense."

He looked really disturbed actually. Confused maybe. Either way, he didn't seem to be looking at either of us. He leaned his head against the back of the booth and closed his eyes.

I shook my head, turning toward the bartender girl. "I'm sorry about him. He's not … you know, he's not normally so…weird."

She smiled, looking at him in a way I just couldn't figure out. It was all…tender. I didn't understand it. "He makes sense to me."

Well, that made one of us. "I guess you're better at translating drunk."

"I am at that," she laughed. Finally, she looked at me, her lips quirked to one side of her face as she thought. "How long has this been going on?" she asked, gesturing at Jasper's slumped form. He looked like he was dozing. At least he wasn't drinking more.

"Today? I don't know," I admitted.

She looked worried. "Look…this is going to sound strange. I know a little of his history and I know this needs to stop. Now."

There wasn't a hell of a lot that could make me ashamed. I didn't really believe in regret. Everyone made mistakes and it was just like falling off a bike. You get up. You dust yourself off. You move on.

"I didn't mean for it to get this bad," I mumbled, rubbing the back of my head self consciously.

"Enough of that," bartender chick admonished. "It won't help him. Hindsight and all that. I think I can help him, though," she said thoughtfully.

I felt myself smiling despite the situation. She just looked so determined. "How are you going to help him? I mean, no offense but you're just a little thing."

She quirked her eyebrow at me, a smirk on her lips. A spitfire – that's what she would have been called in Texas. "That's where you come in, gigantor. I need you to help me get him into my apartment."

_What the hell?_ I hadn't been expecting that. "What?"

She sighed, putting her hands on her hips. "I know this is weird, but I need you to trust me. I can help him."

I blinked at her brilliantly. "You want to take in a complete stranger? Don't you have to work?"

"No," she shook her head. "I'm just here to pick up my check. Look, I don't know how much you know about Edward, but I know about …everything, and I know about his family. Edward trusts me not to let this happen to _him. _You need to trust me with stopping this. I know it doesn't make sense right now, but I want to help. I kind of…owe him this."

I looked at her, still really confused.

She was totally serious though. "You're not going to steal his liver, are you?" I asked, uncertain.

"At this rate – his liver wouldn't go for much," she said with a small, sad laugh.

"You have a point." I looked at her again, watching the determined set of her face. She looked like she was ready to argue and wouldn't take no for an answer.

It was weird that I was thinking about leaving my friend with a total stranger while he was very drunk. But I really didn't have any clue how to stop what was happening right in front of my eyes.

It couldn't hurt, right? If this little spitfire could help Jasper before I had to tell Rose that I'd fucked up – I mean, really fucked up – then it would be good all around. Jasper would be okay. I'd still have a head. Win-win right?

"Alright. I'm going to trust you."

**A/N: ::peers out from behind hands:: Are you with me?**

**We are nearing the end folks. I'm thinking two more chapters and the epilogue. **

**TRUST. Remember. Please. **

**Thank you, thank you, thank you to jadedandboring. If you're not reading Tie Me Here In Time you're missing out on the awesome. **

**Special thanks to conversedcullen and mildreddempsy for letting me know that the weird point of views worked and for long conversations about alcoholics. I am working on a Carlisle outtake because he will NOT shut up – so that will be coming along at some point. Mwah. **

**PS – can I take this time to tell you that OMFG I LOVED ECLIPSE. **

**Talk to me.**


	15. Fate Has A Way Of Changing

**Chapter 14: Fate Has A Way of Changing**

**Disclaimer: Not Stephenie Meyer. **_**  
**_

_**"You gotta take the time  
Or you'll miss what really matters  
You'll miss all the signs  
I've spent my life searching  
For what was always there  
Sometimes it will be too late  
Sometimes it won't be fair,"**_

_**- I'll Be Okay, Amanda Marshall**_

**JPOV **

My fucking head hurt.

And something was trying to crawl under my eyelids and kill me.

And my mouth was full of cotton...wrapped in nasty.

And my stomach was going all Youth in Revolt on my ass - meaning it seemed to want to twist right up my throat and out of my mouth, while at the same time making me crave Ramen noodles like a sonova bitch.

Fuck.

First things first. I had to figure out what was trying to kill me.

"Turn it off," I mumbled, swinging blindly at the very, very, very bright light that was making my headache a million times worse.

"Can't turn it off, Ace. It's the sun. If I turn it off, we'll all die," said a way too chipper, distinctly female voice from nearby.

My eyelids flew open - which turned out to be a very bad idea as the light attacked my eyes with extremely sharp needles. "Holy shit," I mumbled, digging the palms of my hands into my eyes.

Alright. I needed a plan that didn't include opening my eyes.

It was hard to think with all the motherfuckers with hammers that had crawled into my head. A few facts had made it through the din though. The most alarming point of interest was the girl that was obviously in the same room as me.

That was interesting on multiple levels.

I know some guys were all about the 'fuck her out of your system' routine. Hell, even Emmett had suggested it more than once. I flirted. I did a little harmless kissing with a few forgettable girls.

It still felt like cheating.

That was the real bitch about being yanked out of a relationship the way I had been. We had still been in our honeymoon period. Yeah, we'd had our misunderstandings and arguments, but Bella and I had been at that ridiculous point in love where everything the other did was cute, not annoying.

I had my moments of weakness when I would have given anything to have her back in my arms. I thought to myself that we could work it out. We would figure it out together and we could rebuild our lives. I remembered Bella's tearful words the last time we spoke - how she said that she loved me and she wanted us.

Sure, I could have gone back. My heart told me that I could love her and we'd make it work. My head, however, reminded me what it was like when she admitted that she'd been thinking about Edward when we were having sex. I couldn't live like that - constantly wondering if she was thinking about him.

I mean, here's the thing. I knew I would have to face my brother eventually. One thing I was not willing to give up, now that I had them back, was my parents. They were being gracious about making sure not to invite one of us over when the other was coming, but I couldn't expect that to last forever.

So, say I did get back together with Bella. Say she was able to quell this... _pull_ she felt for Edward. Then what? It was just a matter of time before the pull was too great for them. I knew it had to be strong because what we'd had was obviously something she didn't want to lose, and yet she still hadn't been able to resist him completely.

Eventually, all the doubt and resentment would have ruined us anyway.

But falling out of love with Bella was proving to be a difficult process.

Which brought me back to finding out what I did last night without opening my eyes.

Alcohol was involved - that was a given.

Obviously, I knew where the hangover came from. Not like anyone was forcing all that liquor down my throat. What was really pressing was that I figure out who this female voice was and what I'd done with her.

I did a quick inventory. To my immense relief, I was still in my pants. My shoes were off but my jeans were on, thank you very much. Also, if I had to guess, I would say I was lying on a couch. It wasn't comfortable enough or large enough to be a bed...and there was a back. That was a strong indicator.

Of course, that meant I was definitely not in my own home, as the couch had been Bella's and had been moved out of the house along with all her other things.

By the way, Rosalie - not so much forgiven for that stunt. I knew she meant well, but damn that was cold.

"Open your eyes, Ace. I'm not going to disappear no matter how much you play possum." the female voice said, apparently highly amused at my distraction.

I should have been more nervous than I was, but something about the strange woman's voice was familiar and soothing. I cleared my throat, wondering if I could talk without wanting to throw up.  
"I'm sorry," I mumbled, and my voice sounded scratchy. "I'm not trying to avoid you so much as death by brain explosion."

She laughed and I was surprised at how pleasing the sound was to me. It was delicate and musical. I wanted to hear it again.

I was distracted from that line of thinking when I felt something satiny soft and so small on my skin. She put her tiny hand in mine, pulling it out. Her fingers curled around mine, stretching them and flipping my hand palm up. She traced a single finger down my palm and I shivered, the pleasant feeling breaking through even the intense pain in my head. I thought I heard her chuff.

But then she put three pill shaped things in my hand and closed my fingers around them. "Advil," she explained. I sat up slightly, trying to ignore the dizziness as I put the pills in my mouth. I was about to swallow dry, but then I felt the cold, icy edge of a glass held to my lips. "Drink," she commanded.

I obeyed.

While she held the glass to my lips to let me drink, her free hand ran through my hair. It was tender and felt so fucking amazing that I wanted to purr with contentment.

She kept on stroking my hair as I lay back on the couch. "Go back to sleep, Ace," she murmured. "Plenty of time to talk when you wake up.

"My name's not Ace," I mumbled. I couldn't open my eyes even if I'd wanted to because my eyelids were too fucking heavy.

She gave that tinkling laugh again, and I think I smiled. "I know that, Jasper."

When I woke up again the noise in my head was significantly better. Oh, there were still motherfuckers with hammers, but they seemed further away. Another good sign – there was a delicious smell in the air and my stomach wasn't churning to it.

In fact, I was really hungry.

"Your nose is twitching like a rabbit," a delighted voice said, shaking with laughter.

A delighted _female _voice.

Because, yeah. That strange dream I had with a woman's voice? Not so much a dream.

My eyes flew open for the second time that morning – day – whatever it was. The first thing I saw was the McDonald's double cheeseburger the mysterious female voice was running under my nose.

"Oh, my God, junk food," I mumbled, grabbing it in both of my hands. I looked up to thank her and then froze.

It was the little bartender girl. Brandy. That was her name. Which was weird for many reasons, not the least of which was the fact that this woman, despite that we had never been introduced, had been popping into my dreams with reoccurring frequency.

It was strange, and more than a little crazy. I remembered the first time I'd seen her – the day Bella came home from Texas and my life became worthy of a soap opera. I remembered seeing her and my whole body had frozen. My breath had gotten caught in my throat like there were spider webs and the whole world seemed to dwindle down to her for just a handful of moments.

I'd pushed the thought aside, a little disturbed. I mean, I wasn't blind to other women. Just because I was madly in love with Bella didn't mean I was oblivious to soft curves and pretty faces. In addition to her striking beauty, there was a familiarity about her, a strange pull I'd felt, but I couldn't put my finger on it just then.

And then everything that happened had happened, and though I'd fallen asleep in my parent's house that night, wishing desperately _not _to dream about Bella, I'd been confused when I'd dreamt of the seemingly insignificant bartender girl.

Not even sex dreams. Just...she was there.

She continued to make sporadic appearances in my subconscious. At first, I ignored them. I was too busy dealing with coming to terms with how my life had changed. Then, in the last month, the dreams had gotten more persistent. I was looking for a distraction anyway, and so I decided to go back to that restaurant where my life had gone to hell.

Hey, a lot of ideas sounded much better when I was drinking.

But I wasn't thinking about that right now.

What I was thinking about was the seriously strong feeling of déjà vu I felt as I looked up at her for the first time. "Wow. That's fucking weird," I muttered thickly.

"What's that?" she asked, setting down the McDonalds bag and a drink on the coffee table before she sat gracefully in a comfy looking armchair.

"Déjà vu. I swear I've woken up like that before… seeing you, I mean. Which I know I haven't. I paused, again trying to remember what the hell I did last night. "Have I?"

She grinned at me, and I was surprised when the sight of her wide smile made me want to smile. She drew one leg up and rested her chin on it. "Not exactly," she said quietly.

Slowly, I sat up and put my feet on the ground. Slightly dizzy. Nothing I couldn't handle. "What do you mean by 'not exactly'?" I asked warily. "Look…um, Brandy, right? I'm not too proud to admit that I don't know how I got here, so-"

"Relax, Jasper," she murmured.

Why the hell did I get that warm feeling in my chest when she said my name?

"You didn't do anything you'd regret. At least, not with me," she continued. She seemed a little nervous, her eyes darting away suddenly. "And my name isn't Brandy."

I'm pretty sure my cheeks were hotter than I wanted them to be. "I'm real sorry, ma'am-" I started, but she cut me off again.

"Oh, Lord. Don't call me ma'am." She sighed, looking amused and exasperated. "I mean, the people at the bar – they know me as Brandy, but that's just a nick name. Took the boys about five seconds in Bartending School because my real name is Alice Brandon. Mary Alice Brandon to be precise."

She was looking at me as if that name should mean something to me. "I'm confused," I admitted.

Then she grinned again and I thought I might go right on being confused if it made her happy.

"Man, you don't remember me at all do you?"

"Woman, I don't remember most of the last week or so," I muttered, running a hand through my hair and feeling…stupid.

"Well, we didn't meet last week," she said softly, looking at me like she was willing me to remember. "Then again, it was real … chaotic the day we met."

Mary Alice Brandon.

I stared at her rudely, my brain fumbling with the name and her face.

And then I saw it… like a flash, indistinct. Bits and pieces of memories. Two big guys pushing a little gal between them; one of them holding her back against his chest while she kicked and screamed. The way they pushed her to the ground when I started yelling at them; her jet black hair shielding her face from me. Trying to open my eyes through a pain like fire in my belly when I heard a terrified, beautiful voice calling me back from the abyss I'd been teetering on. "Please. Open your eyes. Please, please," she'd begged.

And then I had opened my eyes. And I'd thought she was an angel. Perfect raven hair; a face with the most delicate of features. Inhuman beauty.

_Mary Alice Brandon. _

Now that I thought about it, that had been the name on all the police reports. Mary Brandon had been the name the police had said when they talked to me. Did I know her? Had I met her before? Someone told me that I'd likely saved her life, and that her parents had taken her home – away from Seattle.

"Oh, Christ," I muttered, running my hands over my eyes.

She could tell that I'd figured out where I knew her and continued in a faraway voice. "God. I remember thinking it was terrible. Here I was thinking how beautiful you were and how looking into your eyes made my insides flutter pleasantly. But you were in so much pain, and I couldn't keep the blood inside of you."

She shuddered and I wanted to comfort her, but she obviously knew I'd lived and I had other things on my mind. Then she continued. "I wanted to see you - but when I went to find you, all I found was your family. Waiting. Crying because they knew your chances were slim. I couldn't bother them. Not then."

She didn't say anything for long minutes while I tried to process that little gem. When she spoke again, her voice was small. "Are you okay?"

I laughed wryly. "You've succeeded in confusing the hell out of me. Again," I admitted.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly.

"I just-" I squeezed my eyes shut trying to process this new bit of information. "What does it mean?" I asked, looking up at her.

My first inclination was to be suspicious. I mean, it all seemed so out of left field. Had she been following me? But I was the one who went to her bar, not the other way around.

"It doesn't have to mean anything," she said, a strangely sad tone to her voice as she dropped my eyes. "It means I owe you my life, so I'm returning the favor."

I didn't know how to process her tone. Honestly, my thoughts were all over the place. "What do you mean returning the favor...did I do something _that _stupid last night? Like what? Did I try to run out into traffic or something?" I mumbled, only half joking.

Seriously, this missing time thing was not cute.

"From what I understand you're being very stupid, and Emmett, that's his name, right? Emmett didn't know what to do with you last night," she said, crossing her arms and staring at me with a look that made me squirm in my seat.

Christ, I hadn't felt this ashamed at a single look since I was a teenager and my mom was giving me that 'all-knowing' look.

"Emmett was there last night?" I mumbled. "Ah, shit. Rosalie is going to kill both of us."

Alice grinned at me and I found myself grinning back without really meaning to. "Hence where the saving your life comes in. She doesn't have to know...if."

"If?" I prompted, realizing belatedly that I was leaning forward in anticipation.

She smiled wider, leaning toward me, and I leaned forward even further. And when her face was just an inch from mine, she spoke again in a low tone. "If you stop being a fucking moron with this drinking bullshit."

Now that.

That I hadn't been expecting. "What?" I said, brilliantly.

She backed up a bit and rested her elbows on her knees, the very picture of seriousness. I was reeling a little bit.

"If you want to know the truth, I think your cousin and your best friend did you a huge disservice. Rosalie wants you to be angry. Emmett just wants you to forget. But in this situation, neither of those are good options. Bella and Edward didn't do anything specifically to hurt you," she ranted.

I glared at her at that and opened my mouth to argue, but she held her hand up.

"No. Listen. Let's get this straight. You aren't the first one to be heartbroken – that happens to us all. You're far from the first one to have his girlfriend fall in love with his brother, or best friend, or boss, or on and on and on. It happens all the time. If you want to know the truth, you got off lucky because it all happened _before _you. A lot of people in that situation – they cheat, sneak around, and do things that are actually hurtful."

"What makes you think they didn't cheat?" I shot back at her. I realized I was on the defensive. My arms were crossed hard.

"I've known Edward for a long time, Jasper. He wouldn't do that to you," she said firmly.

And that made me angry. "What do you know? They were talking behind my back for a month."

"Talking," she said, maddeningly calm. "He was convinced that she was going to stay with you. He was trying to deal with it; trying specifically _not _to hurt you. They were hardly carrying on a love affair behind your back."

I grumbled but didn't answer her.

Alice sighed. "Honey, the fact of the matter is that everything you can say about love is true. Love, like every emotion, is infinite. Because you can feel it in an endless variety of ways and at different strengths and you are capable of falling in love with more than one person in your lifetime. That doesn't make one love less true than another. I don't think Bella ever lied to you when she told you she loved you.

"She didn't," I mumbled, because I knew that.

"Jasper," Alice said quietly, sounding tender now. I looked up, raising an eyebrow questioningly. "Love is a chance we take. There was a time in history when marriages and relationships were based on logic – what could be gained from the union - not the emotion. The price we paid to find a connection as deep as love goes is that we know a pain that's just as...chaotic, I suppose."

"Chaotic," I muttered bitterly. That was as good a description as any. "Why are you telling me this? I don't need this." She may have been right but that didn't suddenly make it all better.

She leaned back against her chair with a small smile on her lips. "I did get a little sidetracked. I've just been thinking about love a lot lately." She sighed, her eyes flitting back to me. "We all do things that aren't quite healthy in the wake of a break up, but there's a difference between eating too much ice cream and trying to draw a disease out of its dormant state. Given your family history, I'm trying to figure out what you think you're doing."

This girl was a little crazy. It should have irritated me, but it didn't. "You're insane. I can't keep up with you."

She gave me an exasperated look. "You're deflecting. This is serious and you of all people should know that. If you don't cut this shit out now, you're going to do something you regret. I'm just trying to stop you before that happens."

With a groan, I leaned back on her couch and stared up at the ceiling. I really should have just gotten up and gotten out of there. Like I needed lectures on love and the dangers of drinking from nearly complete strangers. I still had a headache and the occasional bout of vertigo.

And frankly – this was a little surreal.

But I also didn't _want _to leave.

I felt stupid and ashamed. I wasn't an idiot, really. Everyday I'd woken up like I had this morning and I'd promise myself – never again. But then the day would wear on and the thoughts in my head would get too heavy. I missed Bella. I missed Edward. I felt guilty for not calling her the way I told her I would. I felt angry because it happened.

There was just nowhere for it all to go. Rosalie didn't want to talk about it except to berate Bella and Edward. I didn't want to hear that. Well – maybe in my brother's case, I didn't really mind, but it still made me flinch to hear her call Bella nasty names. Then I just ended up fighting with Rose. Emmett's solution to the problem was to move from beer to hard liquor, and my parents….

Well, I don't know. I kind of just imagined that Edward was there when I wasn't and they were comforting him just as they were comforting me and it just made me angrier.

I didn't want to be angry at the world. I was sick of all of it. I didn't want to be sad. I didn't want all this bullshit. Because of my social life, I was in bars and around alcohol all the time. It was accessible and easy when everything else in my world just seemed fucking complicated as all get out.

But this little gal – Alice – her presence was … soothing somehow.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice that she'd stood up until she sat back down beside me. I looked over, surprised to find her by my side and surprised at the want in me. I wanted to lay my head on her tiny shoulder and I wanted to tell her everything.

So I did.

Every jumbled thought I had for the last four months came tumbling out. All the ridiculous things I couldn't tell Rose; all the not so manly insecurities I couldn't tell Emmett; all the illogical anger I had for my brother that I couldn't tell my parents about.

Sometimes, just saying it out loud made it a little better – a little easier to deal with. Sometimes having Alice's unique perspective made more sense.

Somehow – she made the burden lighter. Just a little bit.

More than anything else had in four months, anyway.

As time passed, we somehow ended up with Alice stretched across the couch and her head in my lap – like we were the best of friends. I was running my fingers through her short hair as I spoke; internally musing about how different it was from Bella's.

Different. Not altogether unpleasant though.

"I just keep thinking – what if she had moved to Forks when she was a teenager. It might have been different," I mused, twirling a strand of her hair between my fingers. "It might have been different if I'd met her first, I mean. Before Edward."

She looked thoughtful as she stared up at me. Thoughtful and a little nervous. I furrowed my eyebrows at her, curious about why she would be nervous. "Do you ever think that maybe this all happened for a reason?" she said finally.

I gave a little laugh because she sounded like my father. I asked her the same thing I asked him. "What reason do you figure?"

Dad never had an answer. He always said something about realizing the reason for things in hindsight.

Alice had other ideas in that mysterious head of hers. "Think about it, Jasper. If Bella had come to Forks when she was supposed to, she would have been in Edward's classes, not yours. Maybe they were destined to meet there, but then her mother got sick and she didn't come. So fate threw them together again when they both landed in California at the same time, but then the earthquake tore them apart."

It was irrationally irritating to me that she was right, and I felt a surge of anger at Edward that he always would have gotten to her first. "Then what… fate handed her to me so I could bring her back to him? That's great for me," I grumbled.

Alice sat up then, never taking her eyes off me. She seemed so pensive that I forgot about my bitterness. "What if it happened to you for a reason too?"

Suddenly I felt tired with all this spiritual journey type talk. New age mumbo jumbo didn't do a lot to improve my mood. "What?"

She took a deep breath and set her shoulders, looking determined. "Think about this. Just _think _about it. Fatalistically speaking – you and I were supposed to meet after you saved my life…but I left you alone for too long and you disappeared. What are the odds then that Edward would walk into my bar years later? I knew who he was. I remembered seeing him at the hospital. Now… here we are."

Again – not what I had expected her to say. At. All. "What are you trying to say?"

She rubbed her hands restlessly on her jeans and I realized that she was putting herself out there. "I never forgot you – you know. I couldn't. And it wasn't just because you saved me…" she trailed off.

Then she gave a frustrated, incredibly adorable, little growl. The determined look came back and she grabbed my hand, pulling it to her and placing it flat against her chest. I stared into her eyes, shocked. Her eyes were steady as they looked back at me. "I'm not asking you for anything and I know that right now you're too hurt to think about it, but just tell me… do you feel this?"

I couldn't even pretend I didn't know what she was talking about. There was an energy between us that I couldn't name. A pull. A comfort. "Yeah," I admitted, my voice low. "I do."

Alice smiled then and dropped my hand. "You don't have to think about that now…but don't forget it. And don't dismiss it."

I found myself speaking the words without even realizing it. "I won't," I promised.

**BPOV  
May**

"Stone aged piece of garbage. Fuck!"

I wasn't having a good day.

I wasn't really having a good year.

A lot of things had been pushed aside after my relationship fell apart. Because, of course, Jasper and I never went shopping for a new car, I still hadn't gotten one. Instead I had bought new tires for the dilapidated, ancient truck that I'd driven in high school – the one that had been rotting in my dad's garage since I bought my first real car in my sophomore year at college. Charlie had worried about it. I'd had other things on my mind at that point.

Of course, now that it was broken down on the side of the road at well past ten o'clock at night, it seemed pretty important. As if that weren't enough, I discovered pretty quickly that I'd left my phone at the office.

Fuck Murphy and his fucking law. Really.

I was poking around under the hood of the truck as if that would solve anything, but really it just gave me something to do. I was on the outskirts of Seattle. It was dark. There was no one around and I was at a loss as to what to do. I thought I remembered some restaurants and gas stations just up the street a ways, but I didn't know how far it was. The streets looked really dark.

Just as I had begun to accept the fact that it was probably just as, if not more, dangerous to chill out by a stranded truck, the sound of another vehicle caught my attention. Lights, stronger than the waning streetlights I was under, suddenly approached. When the car slowed and stopped my heart began to pound erratically.

Because, of course, I'd left my pepper spray in the cab. With my purse.

The car's door opened and I played possum under the hood, trying to determine just by the sound of the person's shoes on the pavement if it was a man or a woman.

"Hello, looks like you're having car trouble? I just stopped to -"

The man stopped talking because I, in my complete shock, stood straight up, striking my head against the heavy hood of the truck with a loud and sickening thump. "Ow! Fuck!"

"Bella?" Edward's startled and concerned voice somehow made it past the pain that had literally brought stars into my vision. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fi-" I started to say, but right then a trickle of blood came down my face , passing right under my nose. The dizziness from bumping my head in the first place combined with the lightheadedness and nausea brought on by the smell of the blood made my legs buckle.

Before I could crumple to the ground, Edward moved forward quickly. Instead of holding me up he sank to the ground with me, pulling me backward against his chest.

Then he was everywhere. His body surrounded me; engulfed me.

I couldn't even breathe - because it felt so much like a home I thought I'd never have again.

**A/N: Home stretch. One more chapter, then an epilogue. **

**Thank you to my wonderful Melly for beta-ing. ILY. **

**Some of you saw the reveal coming but only two of you guessed everything. Hehe. Either way - let me know. The epilogue will be from Jasper's point of view, so we'll hear from him again. But next chapter is all about Edward and Bella.**


	16. This Crazy Fog Surrounds Me

**Chapter 15**: **This Crazy Fog Surrounds Me**

**Disclaimer: Who owns these people? Not I! I take no responsibility for them. Hehe.**

_**"We meet again**_

_**It's like we never left**_  
_**Time in between was just a dream**_  
_**Did we leave this place?**_  
_**This crazy fog surrounds me**_  
_**You wrap your legs around me**_  
_**All I can do to try and breathe"**_

_**-Dolphin's Cry, Live**_

**EPOV **

It seemed I could be rational about everything in my life…except when it came to Bella.

In my defense, the sight of Bella – pale with blood running down her face as her knees gave way beneath her – hit too close to the nightmares I'd been having since she came back. The nightmares plagued me all the more because I knew they were very close to reality. How many times had I imagined Bella, bedraggled, unconscious and bloodied on the beach, alone?

I didn't think. I pulled her against me and sunk to the pavement in front of the truck, pushing back the pinpricks of panic as I settled her quickly between my legs. She was totally limp against me and not responding when I called her name.

I put my hand against her cheek. She felt clammy, and I could feel my panic grow. I knew that head wounds looked worse than they were, so the blood didn't particularly worry me. What was terrifying was the fact that she wasn't responsive – and she had an old head injury.

Carefully as I could, I tried to gauge how bad the bump on her head was. We both hissed when I touched the knot.

"Ow!" she cried.

"I'm sorry," I said instantly, relieved that she wasn't completely unresponsive.

"S'okay," she mumbled. "I'm fine. The blood just makes me sick," she explained, trying to wipe the crimson trickle off with her sleeve.

"I should call an ambulance," I started to say, fumbling for my phone.

"No!" Bella protested, sounding clearer by the second.

"Or I'll drive you to the hospital. You need to be checked-"

Her fingers winding through mine, bringing our joined hands down from her head stopped me cold. "Edward," she said softly, "I'm fine. Really."

I nodded absently. Now that the panic had subsided all I could feel was her.

It had happened too quickly for me to process before then. I'd stopped to help a stranded motorist and then suddenly Bella had been yelling and there was blood on her face. When I became aware, truly aware, that I was actually holding her in my arms, I literally gasped out loud with the emotion that rocked me.

There was a heaviness in the center of my chest that was suddenly gone. It wasn't something I'd even realized was there – but what a difference. It was like I could breathe deeply for the first time. It was a lightness and peace that was close to floating.

I was struck next by the way I fit around her. My legs outlined hers – both of us stretched out but bent at the knees. Her body tucked against mine just right – like she belonged there; like she had always belonged there.

Like we'd been one person at the beginning of time that the gods had ripped apart with lightning.

In that moment, I knew I'd been right all those months ago outside the restaurant. With Bella in my arms, I was suddenly inundated with the millions of ways I wanted to touch her. What touch would make her tickle? What would soothe her when she was anxious? What would excite her? What would make her body tremble?

I craved her and she was there with me. There was a thirst that was desperate to be slaked inside of me, that would only be silenced when I kissed her and made her a part of me; when I drank her in and filled her all at once.

But I didn't know if that was what she wanted.

Warring with my instinct to nuzzle my nose against her hair and kiss away her pain, I grasped for a distraction. "What are you doing out here this late?"

My voice was gruffer than I'd wanted it to be and she jumped a little, startled. "I was working late. I left my phone at the office," Bella explained, her voice making her sound distracted.

I knew she felt what I felt. I was desperate for her to just give in to it.

Squeezing my eyes shut briefly, I stood, pulling her up with me. I kept my arms around her for a few moments, making sure she was steady. Then it was like that moment when you had to rip off a band-aid or right before the doctor stabbed you with a needle – the waiting, knowing it was going to hurt part.

Trying not to sigh, I stepped away from her. My body instantly called for hers; indignant that I'd stepped away from the titillating energy that crackled around us. "Come on. I'll drive you home," I offered, turning slightly to face her.

"I don't know if that's-" Bella started to say but she was cut off when thunder rumbled ominously overhead.

I rolled my eyes at her, smiling despite the pang in my chest. "Bella, it's a miracle it's not already raining. Let me get you home, please." Despite the fact I knew it was teasing myself just as much as it was teasing her, I leaned in close. "I still remember the rule. Three feet of bubble space," I said lowly, and then I stepped away the requisite three feet.

Her eyelids fluttered as she blinked, looking dazed. Then she shook her head and smiled. "I remember," she said quietly.

We gathered up her things and she gave me the address. After she gave me her address and I fed it into the GPS system we fell into a silence that wasn't quite awkward. It wasn't that we were uncomfortable with each other. Just the opposite, really. The atmosphere in the car was heavy. Thick. Like the humid air of Florida except instead of the heat that drained, this heaviness gave energy. It surrounded us entirely, making the air around us surreal but absolutely alive.

It was highly distracting so I was doubly surprised at what came out of her mouth not a few minutes after we got in the car. "You must think I'm so selfish," she said quietly.

My head whipped around to stare at her so fast that the car actually swerved. "What?" I asked, incredulous.

She didn't look up. She had pressed herself into the corner of the car, right up against the door; as far away from me as she could get. She looked down at her hands, clasping them and unclasping them nervously as she gnawed on her lip. "After I thought you were gone, I kept trying to deny the strength of what I felt – feel – for you. I keep on thinking – if I had been honest with myself, how could I have consciously gotten into a relationship with anyone?"

I chuffed, scrambling for words because this girl made no sense at all. "Bella, you thought I was dead. Did you think you wouldn't fall in love again? That you'd be alone from when you were nineteen for the rest of your life?"

Then she did look up and her eyes were sad. "Isn't that what you did? I mean – didn't you swear off love for the duration?"

"That's different," I said quickly.

"How?" she asked, her voice gaining a little strength. "You knew better because you didn't want to hurt anyone."

"I'm also a lot weaker than you," I countered.

"What?" This time she was the one who sounded incredulous.

I sighed. Our time apart had given me ample time to think this through, but I didn't quite know how to explain my feelings on the matter to her. "This friend of mine - Sam - he was one of those kids you hear about; brilliant on the basketball court and all of that. From high school, it's all he ever wanted. His career. It was all he ever thought about and worked toward.

"Then, in the middle of college, right when all the big names are talking pros for him, he got into an accident. He couldn't play anymore." From my peripheral vision I saw her mouth turn down into a sympathetic frown. I almost smiled. She was always so genuinely concerned for people – even those she didn't know.

"So people told him, 'You've been working toward a degree in sports medicine. Do that. Or be a coach. Or, hell, teach P.E.' But Sam wasn't interested in it. They didn't understand that he didn't want to be merely part of the game. He wanted to be in it. And if he couldn't have that, he didn't want anything. He told me once – he didn't even think twice about giving it all up," I mused as I turned onto the highway.

With a sigh, I continued. "That was what it was like to me. I couldn't consider the life I once wanted because you were the only one I wanted it with. I didn't think twice. But some, myself included if I was being honest about it, would call that a weakness. Regardless, closing yourself off to a part of what your life could be is definitely not strength. You dared to dream that there was something else for you."

I hesitated for moments because I didn't want to cause her anymore stress, but I figured she could use the reassurance. Her love for my brother had been true regardless of the circumstance. That couldn't be debated. "I know you loved Jasper well. I was there. You were all he talked about most days," I smiled wryly at those somewhat painful memories. "I don't think that looking for love again was settling for something lesser. It was just different." I looked over at her and she raised her eyes to meet mine. I grinned a little at her to let her know I was teasing. "Maybe a little more logical than whatever it is that we had."

Luckily, she laughed almost instantly. It wasn't loud - more of a small chuckle - but it was there. "Have," she corrected then, turning to stare out the window.

I glanced at her but she didn't turn back to me. "What we have still doesn't make any sense," she murmured, almost to herself. _And it doesn't mean we can be anything more than this emotion. _I heard the words though she didn't speak them.

The rest of the drive was pleasant enough. We were both mostly wrapped in our own thoughts. She asked why I had been out late at night and I confessed that when I was restless I lived to drive; especially in the more deserted areas of town as it was easier to speed. But other than some small talk we didn't say much.

When I pulled up to her place neither of us made a move to get out of the car right away. For a considerable part of our drive, I had been trying to come up with a logical reason why she should invite me inside. For one thing, I was still worried about her head. Because of her previous head injury, even the smallest bumps were of concern.

And, of course, walking – or driving – away from her was always painful. I wasn't actually a masochist. I didn't enjoy the pain.

I was just about to give in and insist that she let me call her every couple of hours during the night to make sure she was okay when she spoke first. "Would you like to come inside?" she asked, her words tumbling together in a rush.

For the second time that night my head snapped over to her. She wasn't looking at me. She was staring down at her hands.

Her face was tinted a deep rose color. She was blushing.

I fought to keep the grin down though I was ecstatic. "Yeah, I'd like that."

~0~

I tried to not think about how much I wanted to touch her; to kiss her. I tried very, very hard.

But, as it had always been, conversation between us was effortless. We had put on the Firefly series in the background as we lounged on opposite ends of the couch. As the night progressed and we laughed with the wittiness of the show or debated over bits of plot line that Joss Whedon never got to explore, we ended up closer together.

I really don't know when it reached that point, but somehow we ended up side by side on the couch. All I know is that I looked over and her face was flushed with laughter, her eyes were sparkling with happiness, her posture was relaxed as her hair spilled wildly over her shoulders, and she was easily the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen.

I adored her. I was wretchedly, desperately, in love with her.

And, as the room seemed to tilt and my heart sped and the air grew heavy again, I just couldn't _not _touch her.

"Bella," I murmured, and I was surprised by how ragged and pained my voice sounded, "I can't be good anymore. I know I told you I could but I can't."

I expected her to pull back, to do something to stop what I couldn't. I didn't want to stop anymore.

Instead she said the two words that changed everything.

"Then don't."

It took all my energy to resist her. It took absolutely nothing to pull her to me. It was as easy and as natural as breathing. One moment we were not quite touching, the next moment we were everywhere. My hands were on her waist, pulling her to me. Then she was in my lap and I wasn't quite sure if I'd put her there or she'd crawled there. Both of her tiny hands went to my face, cupping it in her warm palms. Our lips came together like magnets. Even our legs tangled together like spiders limbs dangling from the web of our bodies.

Then I was falling backward on the couch with her on top of me. We didn't stop kissing. They were noisy kisses because we were breathing through our noses - neither of us giving a damn because it meant we could keep our lips together; moving with a hunger I hadn't ever known before.

My hands ran up and down her body, pressing her against me. Despite the fact that every inch of her body was touching mine in some way, it wasn't enough. I needed her closer.

When we parted we were both breathing raggedly; Bella rising and falling with the gasps of air I pulled in. We stared at each other. To me, it felt like a surreal fog had encompassed us. She was all there was. At that moment, nothing else existed except the two of us and this quickly escalating emotion between us.

"Whoa," she murmured between breaths, and her voice was no more than a whisper.

"Intense?" I asked. _Do you feel it too?_

She nodded.

I hesitated. "Bad?" _Please say no. This is the most perfect thing I have ever felt in my life, and I won't let you go this time._

Thankfully, she shook her head in response and leaned in to press a kiss to the tip of my nose. "No. Not bad," she assured as she kissed first one cheek then the other.

With her whole body against mine, my need for her escalated.

"Bella," I whispered. The word was a plea. I needed her. I needed her skin to mine with no barriers between us. I needed to be inside her; to be part of her. We'd waited long enough. We'd lived long enough being incomplete. All humans were incomplete, but it was different when you _knew _you could be whole.

It wasn't even a choice. It was as if our bodies knew what to do. She leaned back at the same time I sat up. Then I was standing and she was in my arms, bridal style.

Bella's apartment was relatively small and it wasn't difficult to find the bedroom. It was good that it wasn't a long walk because patience was a commodity that Bella and I had run out of. We could not get out of our clothes fast enough. Each piece of clothing felt like the Berlin Wall between us and the end of this journey we'd started as teenagers. It was like when you had been away from home for too long. It didn't matter where you had been or how much fun you'd had, there was that edge of your seat anxiousness to finally be home that was nearly maddening; like you might go out of your skin if you had to wait a second longer.

For a handful of seconds the only sounds in the room were clothes rustling, zippers unzipping and our lips moving together. I didn't even know who had removed what. Was it her hands or mine that un-tucked my shirt from my pants?

When I saw her in full, none of that mattered. All my random musings went out the window.

For as long as I had imagined having her in every conceivable way, I simply couldn't wait for her any longer. As I aligned my body with hers, our kisses still urgent and utterly needy, I spared a single moment to pray to any deity who was listening that I would get to show her just how beautiful she was to me.

Hovering just above her, I stopped kissing her long enough to be sure this was what she wanted. Luckily, she seemed to be right with me. We were together in our overwhelming impatience. "Take me," she whispered breathlessly. "Now, Edward, please."

As I said, I couldn't deny her anything.

Then I was fully sheathed inside her.

I had to hold perfectly still for a moment because I didn't have the words to describe the emotion in me then. It was brand new - unlike anything I'd felt before. Pleasure, of course - to an extent I couldn't quite comprehend, though I'd gladly spend the rest of my life trying to. But beyond that - it was almost...spiritual, in a way. Like people spoke of finding their center or about religious experiences - feeling one with the world and the universe; all of that.

Some people found that at the top of mountains or the sight of their child being born.

I found it in the moment I was finally one with Bella.

It was at once more real and more surreal than anything I'd ever felt. My mind felt heavy with emotion and what I felt I saw written on her face.

Then, she shifted and I gasped, not realizing that I'd been holding my breath. She smiled and I smiled. I began moving inside of her, watching as her mouth dropped and her eyelashes fluttered. I murmured her name as I rained kisses on her face and her neck.

As our pace picked up, she raised her legs, wrapping them around me. She was surrounding me; and I, her.

There was no wrong way to hold her. My hands fit perfectly at her waist or against the small of her back as they did cupping her cheek or her breasts.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I remembered reading the book Like Water For Chocolate. There was a concept in there about the fire of life in your soul – and how certain things make that fire dim or burn brighter. At the end of the novel, the main character is finally allowed to be with the love of her life freely. As they made love, she forgot to tell him not to give into the fire as it got too large, because the fire, at its peak, was too much for a human body to handle. He died at the height of their passion.

That was what it was like with Bella that first time, and most every time. The emotions that welled inside me – total peace, complete adoration and the burning passion of just how much I loved this beautiful woman – were almost too much to withstand. It was pure ecstasy. I had heard it said that orgasms were the closest we get to death and to God. At the very pinnacle, I finally understood that notion. It was a feeling that was infinite and impossible to contain in my mind or body.

We were both shaking with the intensity of it as we came down from our orgasms. My skin – super heated not minute ago – was now freezing cold, like a cold sweat after a fever breaks. I pulled Bella tightly against me, our bodies trembling together, only letting her go long enough to grab the edge of the comforter and pull it over us.

I stroked her cheek with shaking fingers. "Are you okay?" I asked softly, watching her blink as she tried to ground herself again.

Bella laughed quietly. "Not really sure better is a possibility," she whispered.

I smiled but didn't answer, stroking heavy tendrils of hair off her damp cheek and forehead; making a silent promise that it would only get better.

Snuggling impossibly closer against me, she kissed the underside of my chin lazily. "I feel like this must be what doing heavy drugs is like. Kind of…mind altering. You know?"

"Yes. I know exactly what you mean."

~0~

I woke first the next morning and that was a gift I hadn't expected. It was the tranquility of utopia. It was paradise for a scant period of time.

But I knew it couldn't last forever. Oh, I would love her forever. That much I was sure of. That part was ridiculously easy. But all the obstacles and problems in our lives that had been there yesterday would still be there whenever this haze of pure bliss lifted.

So I lay there, just watching and thinking. Mostly just watching.

It was another first, I realized. I'd never seen her sleep. It may have been ridiculous and such a mundane detail that most wouldn't have even thought twice about it, but I'd had too many years of fantasizing all the things we'd missed. Getting to see any of my daydreams come to fruition was nothing short of a miracle. I watched her eyebrows furrow and her lips move as she dreamed. I listened the rhythmic sound of her deep, even breaths. I memorized her sleep-slackened features. My hands, where they held her to me, traced over the contours of her back and she sighed contentedly as she shifted against me.

I was happy. I didn't have the words for the euphoria that morning held for me.

Eventually, she stirred in my arms, squirming slightly and sighing. I could feel her hot breath against my chest where her head had nestled as she slept. Wanting to see her eyes open, I cupped her chin, stroking her cheek with my thumb, and gently tilted her head up. She came willingly, her eyes closed as I kissed her fully awake.

Our faces were barely an inch apart when she finally opened her eyes.

If I had thought my heaven was complete, waking with her in my arms, it was nothing to seeing my emotions reflected in her eyes. She was happy.

Because I didn't have my own words yet, I crooned to her softly the words I was feeling.

"Brown eyes I hold you near, 'cause you're the only song I want to hear. A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere."

She didn't say anything – just smiled with a look of absolute serenity. Her fingers were meandering up my chest, and then my neck. She tickled the light stubble under my chin. I chuckled and she started to kiss me.

I let her direct me and followed her lead in not saying anything, completely losing myself to the feel of her. She pushed me onto my back and straddled my body as she explored every inch of my face with her lips. She moved with slowly, reverently pressing kisses as she went. She kissed my forehead and along both of my eyebrows. She kissed down the bridge of my nose; her eyelashes fluttering against my skin and making me sigh. She kissed my cheeks, down to my chin and it took all my willpower not to tilt my head to capture her lips.

As her mouth moved over me her fingers traced different paths. They trailed through my hair or stroked behind my earlobes. The combined affect spoke clearer than any words.

I felt adored. I felt cherished. I felt loved.

I moved very little, just letting the feel of her wash over me. I sighed and made appreciative little noises as the sensations of her lips and fingers taught me a new, deeper and subtler kind of pleasure.

My heart felt so full.

Just as I was wondering if anything could feel better she pulled back, repositioning herself over me as she just stared into my eyes with that little, beautiful smile on her face. She finally, finally kissed my lips as she took me inside of her.

And we made love.

Slowly; hurried by nothing.

That was how we spent most of the weekend. We didn't talk about very much that was real, except for the occasional lyric that could speak for us better than our own words ever could. We laughed over meals at her table or movies in the living room in the scant time we could keep our hands off each other. It didn't last. Meals went cold and movies unwatched as we couldn't seem to let each other go. Even when we finally showered, late on Sunday morning, we did it together and we may have left more dirty than we'd arrived.

But, finally, Sunday evening came and the world outside of us had to be addressed. The questions we didn't know how to ask were getting too heavy to be ignored. It was a relatively small apartment after all – no room for silent elephants.

We were sitting in her living room. I was in the armchair and she was cradled on my lap, her head resting on my shoulder. "I wish…" she began and then sighed quietly.

"What?" I asked gently, kissing a light trail across her forehead. There wasn't a lot I would deny her if it was in my power.

"I wish we could go back to California," she said finally.

Instinctively, my arms tightened around her and my chest got tight. My mind rang with single word: _No!_

"That's not what I meant," she said quickly, raising her head so she could look me in the eye. "Not California. Of course not California. I just… I wish we could go away together. Just for a little while. Let it be just you and me for a little bit longer."

I had to smile, because the idea of not having to leave this heaven was just so tempting. I didn't know how I would handle if I couldn't have her for good. "You think we should run away from our problems?" I would have done it, if she really wanted to.

"No," she admitted reluctantly. "I just…we made so much sense then. That day."

Slightly incredulous, I chuffed and bent forward to brush my nose with hers tenderly.  
"Bella, you were really confused. Remember?"

With a soft sigh she kissed me once; twice. "I wasn't confused. That's what scared me – that I was surer of it than I'd ever been of anything in my life."

My hand running through her hair, I kissed her back; languidly and thoroughly. "You don't think we make sense now?"

"Mmm," she mumbled against my lips. "I just…I don't know. Everything is so complicated, with your family."

I cradled her head in my hands, pulling back to search her eyes. She looked sad; she had the weight of too many people's happiness on her shoulders. "Let's put them aside for a minute. I know you want to make everyone happy. I know you want to make everything easy. But I need you to think about you for just a minute. You and me."

Her eyes flitted back and forth between mine, but she waited.

Because I wanted so much to see her smile again, I opted for a joke as my opening argument. "I know you're all about the logic of things," I said with a smile, stroking her cheeks with my thumbs. "And we make sense…mathematically."

Bella blinked and then she gave a little laugh, looking confused. "What?"

I had to struggle to keep the straight look on my face. "I know my calculus," I said with mock sincerity. "I know that you plus me equals us."

For a split second she looked absolutely bewildered and I have no idea how I kept my laughter at bay. Then she was laughing so hard she actually had to bury her head against my neck to keep from snorting. "More boybands?" she asked when she was able to lift her head again. "Are you sure I'm not barking up the wrong tree with you?"

I rolled my eyes and grinned at her. "Hey," I protested, "It's a fake boyband."

My smile dropped a little and braced myself. "Bella, you can try all you want to make sense of us logically. It's just not going to happen. Some things are the way they are."

She didn't say anything and so I continued. " '… a scientist must also be absolutely like a child. If he sees a thing, he must say that he sees it, whether it was what he thought he was going to see or not. See first, think later, then test. But always see first. Otherwise you will only see what you were expecting.'"

At that she did smile and she finally looked at me again. "We need a poster. Everything I need to know in life I learned from The Hitchhiker's Guide."

Then she looked away for a moment. I had to take a breath and summon my patience. What I wouldn't give to know what she was thinking in that overburdened head of hers.

"I've actually been thinking about it a lot. What if the myths are true – we are all two half of one whole, spiritually, I guess is the best way to put it," she mused.

"On the soul level," I added.

She smiled, looking a little sheepish. I had to smile back at her because it did sound odd, but I didn't know how else to explain it. The strength of our connection just couldn't be ignored. I was living it. "Before they were explained, not many of the mysteries of this life made sense. So, why wouldn't that still be true of some things? What if there was worldly love – the normal kind of love. Like with Jasper and I – maybe it would have worked long term; maybe it wouldn't. There's never a guarantee, but we were good together, and I loved him truly. I…" her eyes flitted up to mine.

"You still do, in a way. It's okay. I don't think any sort of love can be turned off with the flip of a switch," I assured her.

She looked relieved and continued. "But worldly love just can't compete with… the other kind. It's just too… otherworldly. God, it sounds so weird to say."

"But how can you deny something you've lived?" I murmured, agreeing with her. I mean, not being able to be with her had driven the majority of my life decisions since the day I'd met and lost her. The one day we'd spent together changed me so completely that I couldn't go back. She couldn't either, for all intents and purposes. We'd both had to learn to cope – in our own separate ways – with our loss.

Bella sighed and shook her head. "It doesn't matter anyway. I can live my whole life questioning it but I am more certain of this than I have ever been of anything." She looked at me, her eyes full of such a tender emotion that my heart clenched. "We belong together and I am done fighting that."

The smile that spread across my face then threatened to split me right in half. I saw, in her eyes, that she was sure. It wouldn't always be easy, and we definitely had many awkward days ahead trying to repair the relationship between us and my brother, but we were finally together.

Anyway you looked at it, love had led us to the place we needed to be.

**A/N: ::blinks, blinks, blinks:: Whoa. So – our story is told. I will be posting an epilogue from Jasper's point of view next week, and reviewers of that will get a Carlisle point of view outtake. If you don't want to review, all three outtakes will eventually be posted under my profile, so just put me on alert, but you'll make me so, so, so, SO happy if you review. Just saying. **

**To the reviewers of the previous chapter – I will reply to you. Promise. Just, I've been caught up in finishing that. **

**To JosieSwan – I love you and thank you so much for your beta work! Mwah.**

**Hehe, saving my further dedications and expressions of utmost love and joy for the epilogue. Please let me know what you're thinking and thank you so, so much for coming with me on this journey. **


	17. Worth All the While

**A/N: Sorry for the song - but it's just too perfect not to post in full. It's my epilogue - neener, neener. Hehe.**

**Disclaimer: These beauties belong to SM, not me. I do not profit monetarily from writing this fic. **

_**"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road  
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go  
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why  
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time**_

_**It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life.**_

_**So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind  
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time  
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial  
For what it's worth it was worth all the while**_

_**It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life."**_

_**- Good Riddance (Time of Your Life), Greenday**_

**Two or Three Years Later  
JPOV**

I really hate monkey suits.

There's just not a lot of room for variation is all. They all look the same - buttoned up and formal. Maybe you have a little handkerchief sticking out of your pocket. Maybe it's a flower. Oh, the choices.

Luckily, Bella still knew me. My cummerbund and undershirt were electric, turquoise blue.

Hell yes, I rocked the electric colors.

So, there I was at my parent's house. It was practically unrecognizable. It was just covered in...fruit. The whole house was covered in flowers and fruit. Instead of bouquets, we had fruit arrangements.

Such a strange theme. But I got it. I did. And it wasn't un-pretty either. Even Bella's bouquet was covered in sweet smelling apple blossoms. When I asked her about it, Bella blushed and told me about how Edward had completely charmed her with roses. Of course, leave it to him to know something so completely obscure.

I could appreciate it though. It took a bit of ingenuity to charm Bella. She just wasn't a flowers and chocolate kind of gal.

I was glad, not too many years after everything had gotten so damn complicated, that I could think about Bella so fondly. Things were right between us. Things were right all the way around. It had taken some work, but we all got there.

The first time I saw Bella and my brother again was more awkward than painful.

My family had been tip-toeing around the issue I knew I couldn't avoid forever. In July of that year - the year I'd started off by breaking up with my first and only serious girlfriend - I had started taking Alice with me to see my parents on the weekend.

Alice.

I couldn't think about her without smiling. She'd been so patient with me while I worked my way through all the mess of breaking up. Because no one had told me - that shit messed with your head something fierce. Loving and losing, it did things to your psyche. Alice never got frustrated with me. She was right there with the tough love when I needed it and she was my comfort when things looked particularly bleak. You'd never have guessed it by looking at her, but her tiny form held me up some days.

In July we became an official couple, though we'd technically been together for ages before that. But July was when I finally called her my own. She was incredible about it, really. I knew I'd drawn it out more than I needed to, but I wanted to be sure.

When I called her my girl and I told her I loved her she just grinned and jumped right into my arms. "You kept me waiting long enough," she said into my ear, all low and seductive. If it weren't for her boss being right there, I'd have taken her right on the bar.

I took her to meet my parents that very weekend. It was fucking fantastic.

Every time I'd been to see my parents they'd always had this worried look in their eye. Lord knows that I warranted it - especially at first. They still didn't know how close I got to going completely over the edge. I didn't want to tell them. Especially Dad. He had so much guilt about his alcoholism. The fear that one or both of his sons would follow in his footsteps was strong.

So it was fantastic that weekend when, instead of the wary glances out of the corner of their eyes, my parents were all smiles again.

My mom pulled me aside at one point and she said she'd noticed that I started looking better a couple of months previous. She wanted to know if Alice was the reason.

Alice was my reason for a lot of things.

Of course after I told Mom that, she would have loved Alice even if she was an axe murderer. They were purely the best of actually had a lot in common. When Mom told Alice about how she did interior design as a side job while raising us boys, Alice went off on a whole tangent I hadn't even realized existed in her.

That was my girl - full of surprises.

Then Alice had Dad wrapped around her finger nearly instantly. Things were almost perfect.

Almost.

It was almost September before Mom accidentally drew attention to the electric pink elephant that was always in the room. She mentioned, offhandedly, that Edward was surprising Bella with a trip to Greece for her birthday.

I swear, my hackles raised. It was almost an automatic reaction because I couldn't quite get a handle on my anger at my brother, even though I was happy now. I mean, a year ago it had been me planning happy surprises, just imagining the smile on Bella's face. And what I had come up with just wasn't as impressive as Greece.

But my parents had excused themselves and Alice had climbed onto my lap, facing me, with our foreheads touching. She reminded me that it wasn't about who was more grandiose. It wasn't that my brother was better than I was, he was just better for Bella.

"And you're better for me than Bella was," I told her, and it was true.

But that didn't mean I could let go so easily.

Dad and Mom started letting his name drop in casual conversation. I never acknowledged it, but I usually kept my grimace to myself. In all honesty, I did miss my brother, and in spite of myself I was happy to hear that he and Bella seemed to be working out. I still cared about her and, deep down, I wanted her to be happy.

In November Alice told me he'd come into the bar. She said that he'd wanted to know if she was angry at him. Of course, she wasn't. He wanted to know if I was still angry. He said that he knew Mom and Dad really wanted us all together on the holidays and he wanted to try. He knew it would be awkward, but he we couldn't put it off forever - could we?

Ugh. Some days, I wanted to.

As much as I didn't want to admit it, my little brother was right. It was time.

It was the night before Thanksgiving. The house was completely quiet as we drove up. Alice had had a late shift at the bar, so we'd known that we were going to get there after everyone was asleep.

What a sight we walked in on.

It was a bittersweet moment for me because if I could have taken a picture of Edward and Bella in that moment, I would have called it total contentment. It was yin and yang. It was peace. It was...fucking beautiful, honestly.

They were asleep. The home screen of the DVD they'd been watching was on loop - a good indication that they hadn't meant to fall asleep like this.

Edward's back was against the sofa and Bella was pressed with her back against his chest. His arm rested against the length of her body, and her arm rested against his, their hands joined, curling up against her stomach. Her head was tucked against the couch pillow and his shoulder. His head rested on hers, his nose nestled against her hair. Their legs were tangled.

And damned if it wasn't the weirdest feeling. It made my heart ache and get warm at the same time. I didn't even realize I'd frozen up completely until I felt Alice wrap her arms around me and rested her head against my back. And then I could breathe again.

Then I let Alice talk me in to a can-we-keep-quiet-enough sex in my childhood bedroom - right down the hall from my parents.

The next morning, the awkward began right away.

I woke up first. I almost always did. Alice could sleep like the dead. You know, in Texas they still had air-raid sirens that they would test once a month. She'd have slept right through it. She was the type who slept and slept and then suddenly bounced up, completely awake. She could go from being fast asleep one second to bouncing out the door to run a marathon the next. Sometimes, it was a little disconcerting, but I adored that about her.

Especially when she found creative ways to wake me up with a smile.

But, that day, I woke up first. I kissed her forehead and pulled on a pair of sweatpants before I ambled on downstairs. I followed the smell of coffee to the kitchen fully expecting to see Mom. Instead, it was Edward I found. He was at the stove, his back to me, ruffling his hair sleepily with one hand while the other one settled a tea pot on the burner.

And I remembered. Bella liked tea in the morning - like me.

I tried not to think about that.

Then I realized Edward was also in only sweatpants - which was somewhat enlightening given that he'd been fully clothed on the couch last night. And maybe I was imagining it, but his hair looked more like sex hair than usual.

And I _really _tried not to think about that.

He turned around and his eyes grew cautious when he saw me standing there. Cautious and a little hopeful I thought. He opened his mouth and shut it again. And I opened my mouth and shut it. Because, really, where did we start?

So we did the man thing. I kept the grimace off my face and that was my way of saying _sorry that I punched you in the face._ His lips quirked just slightly and that was him saying _sorry that I stole your girl, however unintentional, even though she was technically mine to begin with._

But after that we still didn't know what to say.

It was getting ridiculously ... heavy all around us when Alice traipsed in. She looked at me. She looked at Edward. She looked at me looking at Edward. Then she wrapped an arm around my waist and started talking as if we were already in the middle of a conversation.

"So, this friend of mine, Audrey, has an older sister, Marie. When she was seventeen and Marie was nineteen, they became good friends with this boy, Maurice - which is a horrible name by the way - and his sister, Elise- who was obviously the favorite child because her name is pretty. Anyway, one night while they may or may not have been under the influence of one form of narcotic or another, Marie decided that it was a good idea to marry Maurice. They regretted it the very next morning, but decided to try to make it work out.

"Well, it didn't. Especially because Audrey had been in love with Maurice to begin with. So, Marie and Maurice broke up - which consisted of Maurice moving his stuff from Marie's room to Audrey's room," she grinned.

I was about to comment when she held her hand up. "No! Wait, my story gets better. So, Audrey and Maurice eventually get married. And Elise becomes Audrey's BFF. But, as it turns out, love cannot conquer all and Maurice and Audrey eventually divorce as well.

"By the time this happened, Audrey had been introduced to Aaron who worked with Maurice. Aaron is the boy she's with now. SO! To re-cap. Audrey and Marie had to live together when Marie was married to the boy Audrey loved and then when Marie's soon to be ex husband was sleeping with her sister. Then, Audrey's BFF is the sister of her ex-husband who works with her current boyfriend," Alice chirped merrily. "She has to see Maurice all the time. And his current girlfriend."

I looked down at her with wide eyes, blinking sporadically. Across the kitchen, Edward had much the same look on his face. Alice just grinned at us with a knowing smile.

"Now, if they can get through all of that, this should be easy. Don't you think?" she concluded.

There was more of the blinking and then Edward and I both started laughing simultaneously. I leaned down so I could kiss her good morning good and proper. Edward just chuckled. "I would offer you coffee, but it really doesn't seem like you need it."

Seeing Bella again was even more uncomfortable at first. There was a lot of stuttering and one or two word conversations.

Eventually, though, it just got better. I could find myself talking to Edward for longer periods of time without feeling angry. I found myself interacting with Bella as if she was my brother's girl instead of my ex. It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen.

It helped that Alice adored both of them. Of course, she and Edward had been friends before, but she took to Bella like they'd been sisters all their lives.

Before you knew it, over a year had passed and Edward showed up at my door one day. He was fucked up nervous and running his hands through his hair with a vengeance. I got to wondering what he'd done before he blurted out that he wanted to ask Bella to marry him.

I had to laugh because, really, if there was anyone who knew better than me how gone that girl was for him, it had to be Edward.

Edward rolled his eyes. He told me that Bella had a habit of surprising him and while he had no doubt she was entirely committed to him, he was nervous she'd have some sort of opposition to marriage. And my brother, he was kind of a romantic to put it mildly. He wanted the whole marriage and white picket fence deal.

I was glad that we had all come far enough that I could fulfill my big brother duties. I found I was glad that I could ease some of his anxiety. I was glad that I felt so happy - my little brother was getting married to his perfect woman.

And I was especially happy that when Edward started to overthink things and, being Edward, I knew that he would, I was able to ease the tension by joking with him, "I've seen your wife naked."

And it was funny.

We both laughed. He shoved me and I shoved him and we could have been teenagers again.

Then he asked me, if Bella did agree to marry him, would I be his best man. He wanted me to stand beside him instead of Dad.

So, thank God that we got past all that awkwardness, because there's really not much that could make me prouder than supporting my little brother as he made this particular commitment.

Of course, Bella said yes. Life was a flurry of activity from there.

There was another facet of life that Alice had opened for me. With Bella, I had been happy with my bohemian lifestyle. It was like I'd told Dad - we made it work and we were happy, so why change things?

With Alice, it was different. It wasn't that she was unsatisfied with the life we led. It was just that, together, we were always more. We wanted more.

It was right about the time that Edward and Bella got engaged that Alice and I had been talking about going into party planning. We had, we realized, a wealth of connections. And Alice was a natural. She and my mom had organized a themed party for Mom's book club that had been a huge success. Alice had plenty of friends who could help with things like waiting tables and being baristas. I had my own little band that could provide entertainment. As it turned out, Eric Yorkie's claims of being a "bad ass DJ" were actually true.

Working beside my girl, as we put together my brother's wedding, was one of the best experiences of my life. It was fulfilling work. I got to marvel at Alice's creativity as she came up with ways to make the wedding perfect for both Edward and Bella. Edward, as I mentioned, was very romantic. I have no doubt that he would have been perfectly happy with a wedding that rivaled Princess Diana's. But mostly, Edward was happy with the fact he was finally marrying Bella - that he was getting his happily ever after.

Bella, of course, didn't need much. Alice knew that she didn't want grand. Honestly, Bella told me that part of her would have preferred Vegas. But, she knew her Dad wanted to walk her down the aisle, and it meant a lot to Edward.

The theme that Alice came up with was both very personal and didn't lack for the beauty that Edward thrived on. That was what one would call an awesome moment - when Alice explained her ideas and Edward and Bella looked at each other with those 'this is perfect' soft smiles on their faces...well, that moment was made of win, as Emmett would say.

I knew then that we could make a fulfilling life out of this - arranging events that were an interpretation of what brought two people together. I could be happy watching Alice in her element and watching other people at their happiest moments.

Which brought me back to today. I was watching Edward with my parents. They were talking quietly, Mom looking like she was already crying and Dad no doubt passing on some last bit of paternal wisdom. It was a relatively intimate gathering - just good friends and family.

Soon enough we all had to take our designated places. I stood up at the front of our living room as Edward hugged Mom and Dad before coming to take his place by me. He was rocking back on his forth on his feet a little. "Nervous?" I asked, entirely amused.

He looked at me with raised eyebrows and a grin that was all teeth. "Not even a little bit. Impatient," he said, looking over my shoulder at the stairs that Bella would be coming down in a second.

Everyone else might have had their eyes on Bella - and she was the epitome of gorgeous in her off white gown. But me? My eyes were glued to the vision that descended the stairs ahead of Bella and her father.

Once upon a time, Bella had brought to life the words of other songwriters and I had been in love. But Alice - she made me want to create whole new songs because nobody else could describe perfectly what she was to me. Watching her descend the stairs - all flawlessly graceful with a dress that flattered her stunning figure - I just felt my heart grow almost too big for my chest. I realized I sucked in a breath right at the same time Edward did except, of course, Bella was surely all he saw.

The ceremony went off without a hitch. The whole time I was gazing across at Alice, promising her that I loved her just as Edward vowed he loved Bella. And her look was the same. The promise was there between us that, someday soon, this would be us.

And I hoped that her dress was short, like the one she was wearing now, and she wore white, fuck-me-high heel strappy shoes - like the ones she had on now.

Lordy.

She knew what that did to me.

The ceremony was beautiful though. Even Bella cried. She looked just like my brother - completely aglow in pure happiness. Then they were kissing in a way that probably would have scandalized Grandfather Cullen - church tongue this most certainly was not - and my little brother was a married man.

Outside, the festivities started right away.

I was third to dance with Bella - right after Edward and her father.

It wasn't as weird as it could have been. A little surreal maybe, because I'd be lying if I said I didn't remember thinking that one day I'd have been the first to dance with her - as her husband.

Her smile, when I took her into my arms, was wistful. "Hey, you," she greeted me.

"Hey, darl," I greeted her back. I imagine my smile held much the same sentiment as hers. "You look happy, Bella."

Her grin widened considerably. "I am happy. How could I not be? Everyone who's important to me is here. That's so much more than I could have ever hoped for. You know?"

I had to laugh. "I know what you mean. But, that's to be expected with Edward. He always took the longer, harder way." I pulled her tighter against me - a gesture of friendly intimacy because I did know her, and I looked on her fondly. "You two are alike that way."

She scoffed, her eyes automatically finding Edward's across the dance floor. They shared a tender look.

Then a thought occurred to me and I was laughing. Bemused, Bella turned back to me. "What is it?"

"It's just that... you're my sister now," I said.

She blinked and then she laughed too. "It's a little crazy, isn't it?"

"I guess Dad was right all this time. Life's unpredictable," I murmured.

"And you only know in retrospect what fate had in store for you all along," she finished, as familiar, by now, as I was with my father's optimistic point of view. Bella rested her head on my shoulder. "I regret hurting you...but I don't regret what we had," she said softly.

I squeezed her reassuringly. "Neither do I."

And that was nothing but the truth. I didn't regret it. Oh, sure. I could have lived without the heartache - but who couldn't have? Alice had been right; there was no escaping pain. Once I realized that it had been easier to appreciate loving a wonderful gal like Bella. I knew a part of her that few people knew, and I wouldn't have exchanged that part of my life for anything.

Then the song changed and Emmett butted in, shifting his one year old son into my arms and pulling Bella to him with a cheery, "Trade you!"

Rosalie, looking lovely, came over and retrieved her son. "Don't mind him. He's just trying to give Alice ideas so you guys will hurry and catch up with us. He wants our sons together on the football team," she explained, rolling her eyes indulgently.

I just smiled at her. Rose and I had long ago repaired out relationship, and she'd eventually forgiven Bella too. Emmett had probably been the most relieved when I got my act together and started talking to Edward and Bella again. He missed Bella and hadn't thought Edward was half bad on a personal level.

"Pah," Alice said, coming up to us. "Ask us again on the next round," she giggled at Rosalie.

As Alice and I danced, I looked around at the eclectic group of people that made up a life. Alice and my wedding would look similar, I realized. Peter and Charlotte and their little girl instead of Edward's creepy ass boss. Garrett and maybe even Riley, if I was feeling sporting about it, instead of that hot Russian chick ... Tanya, Edward's friend that I hadn't met until today.

It didn't matter. I knew we would be as happy as Edward and Bella were today when it was our turn.

Edward and Bella - they were serene. Just watching them move together on the dance floor was blissing me out. It was the very picture of all that was right in the world. They were beautiful together. Breathtaking. Even I could see that.

I realized then that happily ever after wasn't a static thing. I'd written my own path through life only to have it fall through my fingers several times…and that was alright. How could it not be? My brother and his wife were picture perfect. Right. And I had this gorgeous, amazing woman in my arms who I'd swear was built just for me.

Right then, it didn't matter to me that the path had sometimes been all sorts of difficult. What mattered was where it had led us - right into the arms of our perfect others and a life that was enviable to anyone.

**A/N: What a journey.**

**This fic has been dedicated to my girls. It would not exist without them. CellaCullen, Dizzygrl28, jadedandboring and tellingmelies. Thank you. I love you. Special thanks to jadedandboring for beta work and support when Cella and Melly were trying to get me to kill Bella - see, no tears, but I hope that made you smile.**

**And to my two readers who just made me feel so excited about this fic every time we chatted about it. I'm so happy I've gotten to know you. Staceyj5199 and .**

**Thank you to all of you who have come along for the ride. I'm not marking this complete because I plan to post the original two outtakes - more of Edward and Bella at the aquarium, the Jasper/Bella smutty outtake and the Carlisle outtake (no one's seen the Carlisle outtake, so that's why it might sound unfamiliar to you) hopefully by the end of the week. They just need to be polished.**

**MWAH. Let me know. Big puffy hearts! ::Edward style eyeroll at self:: and sorry about not review replying...I was trying to finish. I promise to reply this time. Much love.**


	18. Outtake: At the Aquarium

**A/N: This takes place right after chapter 2 ends. They're at the aquarium. Just some cuteness. **

**Disclaimer: They're still SM's, not mine. **

**EPOV**

**9:55 AM**

"Ma'am," the sharp voice of the attendant watching over the shark tank made the beautiful stranger and I freeze. She was still holding my hand in the water and I was still trying to wriggle out of her grasp. "Please don't do that. The sharks don't usually bite unless they're hungry but they might bite if they feel threatened."

My hand shot out of the water, and out of her hands, as if I'd been hit by lightning. I staggered back several feet for good measure, my heart threatening to pound out of my chest.

"Sorry!" she said to the attendant, looking both appropriately abashed and like she was trying not to laugh at me. She walked over to where I was, still hiding her smile behind her hand. "Sorry," she repeated, only for me this time.

"No, it's good. I get it. You don't want me to have hands if you don't. It's a misery loves company type of thing," I rambled, once again trying to keep my terror of things with teeth out of the limelight.

She jerked her head in the opposite direction. "Come on, you big baby. Surely a big, reasonably muscular man like yourself can hold your own against some Lorikeets."

I eyed the enclosed, netted off space she was currently walking us toward with a dubious expression. "They put you INSIDE the cage?"

Now she stopped and gaped at me. "Really?"

"Look," I hedged, barely managing to keep the grin off my face. "Sharp beaks. Sharp talons. I mean... they could claw your eyes out."

She gawked.

It was a great testament to my acting ability that I was keeping a completely straight face as I continued. "Haven't you seen The Birds? Is that what you want? Because really, you're just begging for it to happen. Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it won't."

"Are you being serious right now?" she asked, her face a mask of incredulity mixed with concern for me.

"Are you kidding me? Of course I'm not," I said, finally cracking up. I laughed so hard I actually bent over, my arm wrapped around my stomach. "The look on your face was classic," I wheezed when I looked up to find her standing over me with her hands on her hips and her lips pursed.

"I don't know," she said slowly. "I mean, you did run away from the sharks."

"They're _sharks! _" I responded, somewhat exasperated.

She looked back to the shark tank with a raised eyebrow. "There's actually a whole class of kids down there now. I think they're in kindergarten," she pointed out. Sure enough, very tiny humans were now cluttered around the tank with their little hands in the water with the frightening monsters with sharp teeth.

"Mark my words - it'll all end in tears," I said, putting on my most disarming smile because it had shut her up last time I had used it.

Sure enough, I heard her breath catch in her throat. I had to hide my grin again, choosing not to let her know that I knew the effect I had on her.

We got to the Lorikeet exhibit and I bought her a little cup of nectar. The attendant showed us how to hold it to allow the birds to climb on your fingers and eat.

We entered the exhibit and again that child-like sense of wonder filled her eyes. She looked everywhere, trying to take it all in. The brightly colored birds filled every nook and cranny of the relatively small exhibit. The more you looked around, the more you saw them - peering out from behind nooks in the waterfalls, all over the artificial trees; even on the ground in what looked like burrowed holes.

But, after a few minutes of ooing and awing, none of the birds had chosen to drink the girl's sweet nectar.

_Yeah, thoughts like that are not helpful._

Ridiculously, the small pout on her lips made me want to make it better. If I could have, I would have bribed one of those birds to come sit on her dainty little finger, but that's what the nectar was for.

Suddenly, I felt a very light weight on my head. "What the-"

She gasped, her eyes going wide and I almost panicked but then she shot her free hand out in a stopping motion. "Don't move!" A grin spread across her face like a kid on Christmas morning. "There's one in your hair."

"Well," I grumbled, cringing slightly; trying to play it cool and not think about bird crap in my hair, "My mom always said my hair was like a bird's nest."

She giggled and I immediately knew that a little bird poo was worth it if I got to hear that sound again. I loved it. She stepped closer to me slowly and her proximity too was worth the squirmy feeling on my head as the bird tip-toed around. Putting her free hand on my cheek to steady my twitching head, she put her other arm out, offering the nectar to the bird. Our eyes met I was surrounded by her, and again I felt the tension perceptibly thicken in the air between us.

She took my breath away with just a simple touch.

I barely noticed when the weight of the bird was removed from my head. She brought her hands down slowly and I almost whimpered when her skin no longer touched mine. She didn't step away though. And she didn't look away from me though the bird she'd sought was happily drinking away from its perch on her hand.

"You saved me," I murmured perfunctorily. My mouth was going through the motions of speaking but just experiencing this sensory overload was all I could think about. What was this strange energy between us?

She smiled. "Yes," she said wryly, though her voice was softer than before, "I saved you from vicious, rainbow colored birds of prey."

I gestured ahead of us a little reluctantly. "After you, my heroine."


	19. Outtake: Jezabel In Hell

**Outtake: Jezabel in Hell**

**A/N: This takes place at some point during Jasper and Bella's relationship. Before Seattle, obviously.**

**Disclaimer: SM created them. And, really, thanks Steph.**

_**"Where'd my pleasure go**_**  
**_**When the pain went through me**_**  
**_**Where'd my happiness go**_**  
**_**This force is running me around now**_**  
**_**Getting me down now**_**  
**_**Where's my pleasure now Johnny**_**  
**_**Where has my pleasure gone now**_**"  
**_**  
-Angry Johnny, Poe**_

"I fucking fold," Emmett said suddenly.

I looked up at him and arched an eyebrow. "Em, I've dealt you one card... which you haven't looked at."

"Not the cards," Emmett groaned. "Life. I fold. I'm done. The woman has officially killed me."

For the first time I noticed that he wasn't looking at any of us. He was staring off toward the door of the bar with a hungry look in his eyes. His mouth was literally hanging open. Garrett and Riley looked up. "Fuck," Riley swore and Garrett gave a low whistle.

Curious, I glanced over my shoulder.

I nearly choked on my drink.

Rosalie was standing by the bar, and cousin or not she was smoking hot. Dressed in a red bit of nothing dress and fuck me heels.

_Six inch_ fuck me heels.

My head snapped back to the table almost instantly and I noticed Garrett looked down while Emmett and Riley continued to stare unabashedly. I returned to my task of dealing the cards.

An all too familiar snicker made me raise my head. Riley was smirking at me. "What?" I asked, a little more irritable than entirely necessary. I just knew he was going to start something. He always did.

"You just can't get a break, can you kid?" he asked, shaking his head in what I assume he meant to be sympathy.

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about," I responded. Boy, this kid knew how to get me from calm to irritated pretty fucking quickly.

Riley shrugged. "You've gotta thing for heels - I remember that. Kinky bitch that you are. Didn't you say that once? You made them keep their heels on when you fucked them? Your prissy little girlfriend would never wear a get-up like that.

I leaned across the table, putting on my arrogant asshole face because I knew it made him want to punch me. "Riley, you're just pissed off that every piece of pussy that walks in that door wouldn't give you the time of day if I was still available."

For one moment a scowl graced Riley's features before he calmed it into a smile. "Don't get snarky with me just because you settled for the most vanilla pussy out there. You know, I've never once seen her get dolled up for you?"

"Like you know what the fuck goes on behind closed doors, bitch," I shot back.

Garrett, filling in for Peter as the peacemaker, changed the subject before either of us could get out of hand.

But fuck if I wasn't picturing Bella in those amazing heels.

~0~

Bella hadn't answered her phone all day.

I tried not to worry. She was probably just stuck in meetings all day. It happened.

I distracted myself by sticking to our usual booth by the stage and losing myself in writing. Music and lyrics filled my mind lately and I was playing with a number of songs - tweaking them and shaping them into what I heard in my head.

I wasn't paying very much attention, caught up in my writing as I was. I know I heard music start up and the announcer said something about a surprise performance. A familiar song started playing, but I didn't really hear what it was until a foot came down over the back of the booth and landed with a clack on the table.

.fuck.

Heels, at least - at LEAST - eight inches, in black were on my table. My eyes lifted slowly. Eight-inch stiletto fuck me heels attached to - oh my lord in heaven - glorious fuck me boots, sheathing familiar, long, sexy legs, and legs, and legs and _finally _the quintessential little black dress.

The very tiny little black dress.

Bella's voice started singing Angry Johnny and, if it was possible, my pants got even tighter.

My eyes traveled the rest of the way up her body - wrapped as it was in that little dress that hugged every bit of her curves. It was strapless, and I had no idea what she had done to give herself as much cleavage as she currently had - and let me reiterate that while Bella was relatively small chested, it was not, _not _a problem at all; I loved her breasts - but damn if she wasn't inspiring a motor-boating fantasy or... many.

Then I got to her eyes.

Uh-oh. She was pissed. Her eyes were narrowed and...was she wearing ... she was. She was wearing mascara and eyeshadow.

_What the fuck is this. _

Sure, now that she had my attention she stood, and I was amazed how poised she was on those heels. She couldn't be used to wearing them. But she strutted over to center stage as the song wound on and my brain started ticking again.

She never sang for anyone but me.

Her voice was sultry and seductive and I loved it -but she was, typically, too shy to sing in public. Now though, her voice was sure and sexy as she sang the words.

Not to me.

To the drunken frat boys who were leering at her and giving cat calls.

What the fuck was going on?

And _fuck, _why was she singing _that _song?

That song wasn't even suggestive. It was downright lewd, and she wasn't singing it with her doe-eyed innocence, although that would be a potent combination as well. She was singing it like a seductress. She _knew _what she was doing.

"I can do it in the water, I can do on dry land, I can do it with instruments, I can do it with my own bare hands."

She did turn to me for the next line, and sang with her eyes narrowed and glaring. "But either way, either way, you know where it stands. I wanna kill you. I wanna blow you...Away."

Yeah, she was pissed.

But what the fuck was she doing? She gestured at the audience, grinning wickedly at their cat calls.

I don't know how I managed to keep myself in my seat, but I did. Finally, _finally, _the song ended and I stepped up on the stage as she replaced the mic in its stand.

I took a deep breath trying to be calm though I wanted to break the face of every prick in here who was leering at her. She was watching me, her eyes hard and her lips pressed into a thin line.

"Can we talk?" I asked tightly.

"No," she said, and then turned, climbing down from the stage by using our booth as a stepping stool.

I gaped as I watched her saunter off to the bar. She'd never done that – just walked away from me. For a moment I wracked my brain trying to figure out what it was I did that would have made her this angry at me. Then I saw one of the pricks lean into her personal bubble space as she leaned against the bar and I felt my blood boil.

Before I could go stalking across the bar to get that guy away from her by any means necessary, I saw her turn away from him. She started walking back in my direction though she wasn't looking at me.

I jumped down from the stage, coming face to face with her again when she reached our booth. "What is it that you think you're doing?"

Holding my gaze she tilted her drink back in one gulp and slammed the tumbler down on the table. She smiled with mock sweetness. "I'm singing a song, sugar," she said, in a surprisingly accurate Southern drawl. Then she looked away from me and made a move toward the stage.

I stepped in front of her automatically.

"You're not going back up there," I said, not asking, demanding.

She arched one eyebrow, glaring at me for a second and then she turned her back on me.

"Bella," I said sternly. She didn't so much as falter in her steps. She kept on striding back toward that stage. Back toward the horde of drunken guys whose eyes were traveling up her shapely legs and thinking about hiking up what very little of that dress clung to her thighs.

I found myself stalking forward like an alpha wolf. It was a primitive feeling, and I felt a growl building deep inside my chest. A third party observer might have thought my actions reprehensible, but it was all very simple in my mind. In the wild it was kill or be killed. A group of males circled around a lone female - except that she was already mine. I had no intention of beating the competition.

Just as Bella lifted her leg and prepared to hoist herself on stage I grabbed her around the waist. She yelped in surprise, but I had already spun her around and draped her over my shoulder by the time she figured out what had happened.

"Jasper! Jasper Whitlock you put me down!" she demanded, raining a flurry of blows to my back. She was indignant but not struggling, and I was still seeing red. The thought that she'd been deliberately trying to tempt all of them had me livid. I kept on walking away from the stage through the bar, ignoring the calls of the patrons. I kicked the back door open, stepping into the ally before setting her on her feet.

She was pissed, no two ways about it. Her face was flushed beet red - not the soft color like when she blushed, but a whole other shade of fury I was not yet familiar with. The moment she was sure she was steady she lunged forward, her hands going up to my chest and pushing me backward with as much force as she possessed. "What the hell is wrong is wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?" I retorted, my mouth running about ten seconds or so ahead of my brain. "I'm not the one who was showing off for a pack of ravenous fucking hyenas. What the fuck were you getting at, Bella?"

She pushed me again and this time my back hit the brick wall of the bar. "Don't you fucking dare, Jasper. You don't get to do this caveman bullshit with me."

I pushed off the wall and came forward, getting right up in her face and towering over her though I didn't touch her. "What the fuck were you expecting to happen, huh? You know every guy in that room thinks you're just begging for it - is that what you want?"

She stood on her tip toes so she could get right in my face. The expression she wore made me want to take a step back but I resisted. "You fucking hypocrite. That's what you want, isn't it? You want me to show off all my femininity - prove that I'm a real woman but you don't want anyone to get to see that but you?"

"You're g'damn right no one gets to see that but me. You're mine and I will not share you with a bunch of drunken idiots."

Oh, fuck. That was the absolute wrong thing to say and I knew it.

The tips of her ears, peeking out from her wild hair, had turned a very violent shade of red. When she spoke again her voice was dangerously low. "How about your little band buddies, hmm?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

She narrowed her eyes at me, looking dangerous as all hell. And fucking sexy. Jesus Christ. "Isn't that what you want, Jasper? You want me on display so Riley and Emmett can pat you on the back? Would you have been upset if I came in here draped on your arm like some trinket? That'd please Riley, wouldn't it?"

"Woman, I don't know what the fuck is going on in that head of yours but if you so much as think about going off with Riley-"

Honestly, it was a good thing that she interrupted me then because I had no idea what was going to come out of my mouth. I wasn't going to threaten her - I really wasn't. It's just that Riley had never hidden his intentions toward her and the idea of my asshole bassist so much as looking at her in what she was wearing right now had me seeing red all over again.

Bella jabbed a finger in my chest, the sharpness of it cutting me off mid-speech. "Fuck you, Jasper. I will think and do as a I damn well please."

She spun so fast that her hair whipped around and whacked me in the face. She hadn't taken two steps before I grabbed her arm and tugged her back to me. My lips descended on hers almost instantly, one of my arms snaking around her waist and the other tangling in her hair. She made a surprised noise as I crushed her against my body. Her hands came up, pushing me backward as she tried to move her head away from me. After a moment, I complied, releasing my hold on her.

She stood there for the space of a handful of heartbeats, her chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. I saw the furious expression on her face twist just before she slapped me hard across the face. I gaped at her, my hand on my cheek and she stared right back. I saw her eyes widen slightly before she started glaring again.

Then she hurtled herself into me, her hands fists gripping the fabric of my shirt as her lips careened into mine. Her body forced mine against the brick wall as she kissed me. Her lips were rough and possessive and out to prove something. I was more than up to the task of proving it right back, kissing her just as roughly as she was kissing me.

Then my hands were all over her. I felt like a horny teenager, except I wasn't touching her because I'd never touched a woman's body before. I was touching her because I was hearing Riley's voice in my head talking about her features as he fucked her with his eyes.

Fuck that prick. Fuck him for putting images in my head of some other asshole's hands running over the same curves mine were currently devouring. Fuck him for going into detail about the things he'd do to her.

Angry at the images that were in my head, my hands became aggressive. Squeezing, digging into flesh and gripping fabric in my fists. In response, her fingers went into my hair, pulling it tightly – mauling the long strands so hard that I hissed against her mouth.

But I didn't stop her and she didn't stop me.

My hands firm around her waist, I pushed her back, using my strength to propel her against the wall of the opposite building. She gasped, her lips unlocking with mine as her head tilted back. I took the opportunity to move my lips down to her neck, nipping at the skin with my teeth and barely stopping myself from biting down and marking her like I wanted to.

"Fuck!" Bella cried as my hands found her breasts and I pinched her nipples hard between my fingers. Her hips thrust against mine with the loud moan that followed.

I dragged my lips up to her ear as I worked her nipples, squeezing intermittently as my hands moved over her breasts. "You like that? Hmm? You think those fucking losers you were showing off for can do this to you?"

"Yeah, asshole, I think most of them mastered the art of pinching in grade school."

The word school came out strangled as I moved one of my hands to her bare thigh and hitched her leg up around my waist in one, rough movement. "Fuck," she cried again. But this time it was more of a whimper as I pinned her against the brick with my body while my hand went up her skirt. I ran two fingers along the silk of her panties, feeling the heat and the moisture there.

"Is this for them, then?" I growled against the skin by her ear as my fingers slipped beneath the fabric. I stroked the length of her hot center slowly, putting pressure on her clit when I passed it. "Is this what you wanted from them?"

"I don't want them," she gritted out through clenched teeth.

I let my thumb circle her clit. "What?" I demanded.

"I don't want them!" she shouted.

Before I could so much as smirk in triumph her hands moved from where they had fallen around my shoulders. She snaked them down between us and grabbed my crotch firmly. She didn't squeeze but she sure as fuck had my attention. My hands froze and I gasped, a strangled "Shit!" escaping my lips before I could stop it.

My head rested against her forehead as we both took ragged breaths. She was glaring at me but her eyes were a little calmer, a little softer, now that she had taken back some measure of control.

The tension between us seemed to shift. The anger faded into a different, but no less passionate, animalistic emotion. I wanted her. I needed her. I wanted to wrap her around me and let her consume me as I lost myself inside of her. I immediately wanted to apologize for getting so aggressive with her so we could get to the kissing and making up part - but dammit, she'd fucking started it. Childish as it sounded, I was still more than a little pissed at her because I still had no idea what this bizarre mood swing was all about. I wasn't going to apologize and that meant I wasn't going to make the first move here.

But I knew she felt the same need because her eyes fluttered and she tilted her head forward until her lips rested against mine. Her hand, at my crotch, began to move, rubbing slowly over my jean-clad, hardened length.

A silent apology.

Well, fuck yes I'd take it.

I continued to work my fingers over her and into her as our mouths worked hungrily together. She rubbed and I thrust. and we were both making those ridiculously hot little moans at the backs of our throats; though they were muffled somewhat by our tongues as we slid against each other.

Our movements got jerkier and rougher and needier. Then her hands were on the button of my jeans. She undid the button quickly and pulled my jeans and boxers down with a quick yank. I gasped, pressing against her as the cool night air hit my fevered skin. With the moisture that had started to sheen over my skin it was all the colder.

I wanted to be inside her where I knew she was hot and slick and ready for me.

I let go of her thigh long enough that I could slide her panties down her legs. She helpfully leaned against me, steadying herself as she lifted one stiletto-clad foot and then the other as I got the gauzy material off of her as quickly as possible. No sooner than they were hastily tucked into the pocket of my jacket, I'd grabbed her thigh again, hitching it back around my waist. I supported that leg with one hand as I guided myself into her with the other.

When I was buried deep inside her I paused, reveling in the feeling of her tightness and her heat surrounding my cock. Then she shifted, thrusting her hips forward and demanding my action. Her arms were wrapped around my neck, her fingers tangling in my hair. It was like she was begging for me to just give it to her.

So I did.

I moved in her, thrusting her back against the wall so hard and fast that it must have hurt, but she never complained. "Ohh," she moaned as our lips finally parted and we both gasped for air.

My free had found her clit again and I stroked her as I leaned against her. Her eyes were closed but mine were open and I watched her face flush and her lips move as she formed each fucking fantastic mewl of pleasure. Some groans were almost guttural - deep as if they'd come straight from where my cock was driving into her very core. Some were breathy, barely even there moans that trailed off into short, high-pitched squeals of pleasure.

All of them drove me insane with lust and need. I pounded into her harder.

Both of our noises got louder. Too loud, as I remembered belatedly we were in public, technically. I claimed her lips again, muffling the noises we were making just in time. She screamed her orgasm into my mouth and as I felt her spasm around me, her nails digging into the skin of my neck, I found my own release.

We stood there panting. I was still pressing her against the wall and it couldn't have been comfortable, so with a slight groan I leaned back, separating her body from mine. Before I dropped her leg I ran my hand along the stiletto boots she was wearing. "Fuck. Where the hell did these come from?" I grumbled between pants.

"They're Rosalie's," Bella answered. She wasn't looking at me, but her eyes had lost the hardness they held in the bar.

I studied her face for a long moment, realizing that she was still upset and, now that whatever bravado she'd had on in the bar was gone, she was vulnerable. I sighed and pulled her into my arms. I switched us so I was leaning against the wall and she was leaning up against me. I wrapped the front of my jacket around her so that it cocooned us both.

She was tense against me, so I started to press tiny kisses against her forehead. "Tell me what's wrong darlin'. I don't understand this."

At first, she didn't answer, but then I felt her arms slip around my waist. "I heard you this afternoon when you were talking to Riley. I heard what he said about how vanilla I was."

_Ah, shit. _"Bella-"

She interrupted me, continuing quickly and I could hear the anger creep back into her voice. "You didn't disagree with him, Jasper. You let him talk about me like I was just some piece of pussy – some conquest of yours."

I froze, replaying those words. "Darlin'-"

Again she cut me off. "No, don't darlin' me. Do you know what it feels like to hear those things? And instead of defending me or brushing it off as inconsequential you played right into it. It made me feel…inadequate, because I'm not like the floozies you were with before."

I growled in frustration. "I have no interest in any other girl, Bella, you know that."

She looked up finally, and her eyes were angry again but I could also see the hurt in them. Jesus, I'd really hurt her. "Not only did you let him say those things but you made it sound like we had some sort of kinky sex life behind closed doors," she continued. "What am I supposed to think? If that's what you want your boys," she said the word somewhat derisively. "to think, is that what you want?"

She shook her head. "So I went to Rosalie, and the more we talked I didn't feel insecure anymore. I was pissed."

"And she lent you the boots," I finished. I knew well enough that women getting together often didn't end well for their menfolk.

I sighed again and brought my hand up, putting two fingers under her chin. "I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I don't like things like this." I gestured with my other hand at her outfit. "But fuck, Bella, I know the difference between a passing fantasy and the amazing," I kissed her once, "gorgeous," I kissed her again, "sexy woman I have in my arms most nights. And the sex is motherfucking fantastic Bella. Have I ever complained?"

She smiled a genuine smile and kissed me. Those eight extra inches were actually kind of odd. I was used to having to lean down to kiss her and for her to lean up. I found I missed the intimacy of that gesture.

Our kiss broke and I cradled her to me contentedly. "And I am sorry. You know, the macho boy bullshit – it's just what we do. But Peter and Garrett would never let the others talk about Charlotte and Kate like that, and I shouldn't have let Riley say those things."

Bella laughed lowly. "I should have talked to you instead of letting Rose take me down one of those fierce woman, man-hating tirades." She kissed my chin. "I'm sorry I … uh… tempted those guys," she stumbled, her tell-tale blush back in force. "Though I have to say, you going all cave man on me was oddly reassuring."

We shared another slow, gentle kiss, her hand coming up around my neck.

"So does that mean I can safely retire these boots? They really suck to walk in," she said, grinning at me now.

I tilted my head to the side, smiling at her mischievously. "If I'm really good, do you think you might bring them out on my birthday?"

Her eyes widened for a second before she gave me a coy look that made me want her all over again. "You going to dress up for my birthday?"

"That depends."

"How do you feel about leather?"

I laughed. "Darlin'. I'm a Texan. Leather I can definitely do."


	20. Outtake: Carlisle

**Disclaimer: SM's characters, not mine. **

"_**Father taught us that opportunity and responsibility go hand in hand. I think we all act on that principle; on the basic human impulse that makes a man want to make the best of what's in him and what's been given him."**_

_**~Laurence Rockefeller**_

My father taught me many things. Much of what he taught I've spent most of my lifetime unlearning, but one thing I did find of value was to always do the best with what I was given.

He was a harsh man. His mind was closed to ideas and different perspectives. Anyone who disagreed with him or displeased him in any way was worthless in his eyes, so, for most of my life, I tried my best to do neither.

When I was a child my father's demanding presence was daunting and confusing. I thought I tried my hardest. He thought I could do better. Well into my teen years I wanted nothing more than to make him proud. I rarely did- at least, not that he acknowledged.

The pressure was tremendous.

Completely away from my father's influence while at college, the collection of friends I made and mentors I found began to expose a world of thought I hadn't really considered before. Some of it was good, and I found that I was able to cast away pieces of my father that I hadn't always felt comfortable with – his judgmental attitude and closed mind among them.

Of course, with the freedom that adulthood brought me, it also brought with it the potentially dangerous ideas. My friends told me for years that I needed to loosen up. They tried to drag me to parties, but my father's influence held strong for a time. The evils of drugs and alcohol were among the many things he could not and would not tolerate.

The combination of the overwhelming pressure and the promise of relief – even for an evening – were too much to resist. I gave in to temptation. After all, years of other people's viewpoints had taught me that my father was wrong about a lot of things... why not this? It was college. My friends and roommates got drunk frequently and, apart from a few poorly received, drunken pranks, none of them were worse for the wear.

What I didn't know at the time was that I was a bomb waiting to be lit. My father thought he'd done well enough by trying to intimidate me into not drinking or trying drugs. He never told me the true reason for his fear until it was too late.

A weekend of drinking here and there became every weekend, and by the time I had moved on to my Master's degree, alcohol was no longer a social event. It had become the only way I coped with all the pressure I was under. It had become something I did by myself, without my friends.

Anyone who has had even a small amount of experience in overindulging in alcohol has probably experienced the missing time that is being black out drunk. It's rather a frightening experience to completely lose hours of your life, to not have any memory of what you did.

It's an odd point to have been at, in retrospect. As a medical student, I knew a lot about what alcohol does to a human body. I knew about alcoholism as a disease. I knew the fact that I got black out drunk scared the hell out of me but, somehow, none of that was enough to stop me.

I was different when I was drunk. I felt more at ease. When I was black out drunk, those feelings were, apparently, even more amplified. All of the emotions I kept in careful check, preferring to be calm and under control, all came out when I was uninhibited. I was, according to my friends, hysterical, fun. The number of times I woke up next to a young lady or…well, two, told me I could be charming.

There were a few times though when more negative emotions came out. There was more than one time that I woke up, my head aching to high hell, and looked around my room to find holes punched in the walls or the doors. I'd look at the holes and at my bloodied fists with complete incredulity.

Denial was a stronger force than I ever could have known. I saw the evidence all around me, but I didn't acknowledge it.

My trip to Corpus Christi, the trip that would unknowingly change my life forever, was nearly the end of my descent. I am ashamed to admit I remembered very little of it. I remembered meeting Maria and her sister. I remembered waking up next to one or both of them every day that week.

Not my proudest moments, obviously.

With everything else, I pushed it away as the follies of youth. But it was only a couple of weeks after that trip that I woke up in a hospital, feeling worse than I can ever remember feeling, with my father by my bedside.

I'd never seen him look the way he did then. He looked haggard. He looked ashamed.

I came to understand that I had drunk a lot the night previous. Too much in fact. I was only lucky that a friend had come looking for an item I had borrowed and neglected to return. If he hadn't found me when he did, I would be dead.

Then my father told me about my mother. I'd never known her. As far as I had been told, she'd died in a car accident when I was just an infant. My father told me that it wasn't a simple accident. It had been her fault. She had been under the influence, but that was nothing new. She'd been an alcoholic.

He was devastated. He thought he was doing the right thing by keeping my thoughts of my mother pure while trusting his influence to keep me away from alcohol. He had only been trying to spare me unnecessary pain, and now he knew that I was in for a world of it.

Oh, I could have easily continued down the path of denial at that point. I wanted to. I wanted to believe that it was simple human carelessness that had landed me in the hospital. But I was well on my way to becoming a doctor, and I knew what alcohol poisoning was. I knew what all the numbers meant in my charts. I could not, logically, deny how close I'd come to dying. Add to that my father's completely uncharacteristic heartbreak and his revelation of a family history of alcoholism…well, denial just wasn't an option anymore.

Easy was just not a word in the vocabulary of any recovering addict.

Without being able to hide behind the shield of denial, I was forced to acknowledge a lot of nasty truths about myself. I found out that the girls who turned and walked the other way when they saw me walking through that halls did that because I'd scared them in some way. Maybe I came on too strong at some party or I'd been a little too rough with them. I found out some of the destruction I'd caused to some of my friend's property. I found out about vile things I'd said and done.

Another hard lesson was learning to differentiate between a true friend and an enabler. Many of those who would call themselves my friends offered to throw me a party when I was out of the clinic my father had put me in. After I left the clinic, and denied their frequent attempts to take me out and declined their party invitations, they were the ones who called me boring and stopped calling.

For all the people I lost when I gave up alcohol, the people that stood by me were the ones that were actually worth keeping. My true friends were the ones who smiled with relief when they learned I was getting help. They were the ones who told me fervently how they'd been scared, but they didn't know what to do. It was an overwhelming feeling – being loved in spite of some of the things I'd done to them, or forced them to witness. It was equal parts inspiration and horrendous guilt.

Imagine dealing with all of that on top of battling addiction.

You don't really realize how much you come to need something until you try to go without it. That need was powerful. It burned to the point of pain so acute that it wracked my body. It completely took over my mind almost to the point of incoherency at times. All of my carefully held control went out the window, but this time I had the presence of mind to watch it happen. Anger and frustration were my near constant companions.

My silver lining, my spot of sunshine in the darkest days – the days I first spent in the clinic with hardly a thought in my head besides how much I wanted just a drop of alcohol – was a volunteer named Esme Platt.

To this day I have no idea what she saw in me; I had a hair-trigger temper in the early stages of recovery. Somehow, though, she kept coming back to me. She said she could see the man I truly was – the one without the alcohol in him who never would have done the things I did. She was right too. That man who would treat women disrespectfully and who would destroy property of people he considered friends – that man was not me.

It was never easy but, with Esme at my side every step of the way, I made it through the worst of the storms.

After a semester break, I went back to school and started to get my life together again. I had a group of true, healthy friends around me and an amazing girl to call my own. The day that I finished med school, I proposed and Esme accepted. We were married only a month later.

Then came the call I would never forget.

My marriage was barely a few weeks old. On top of the total and utter shock that came with finding out I was a father to a toddler boy, I suddenly had to explain that fact to my wife.

I was more than a little nervous, especially because, among the litany of emotions in me at the time, there was a desire I had never even considered before. Certainly, there was a sense of responsibility that welled in me. My own flesh and blood was out there, and I was going to do everything and anything it took to do right by him. More than that though, I wanted him. I loved him instantly – this child I had never even seen – because there had to be some good that came out of my mistakes.

He needed me, and I needed him. There was only one right thing to do.

I should have known better than to think that Esme would have any other reaction than what she did. She asked me what I wanted and I told her I wanted my son. She said, "Let's go get our boy."

It wasn't as simple as all that. Jasper's grandparents and aunt contested my right to custody. By the time I arrived in Texas they had been granted emergency custody and would not allow me to see my child.

I knew how lucky I was. I had a better lawyer and a relatively clean record, save for a few misdemeanors that could be excused as youthful indiscretions. On the other hand, the entire Whitlock family had all had run ins with the law.

It was ugly, and I found a great deal more than I really wanted to know about my behavior during the five days Maria and Nettie had known me, but in the end I retained the right to take my son home.

The first time I met my son, he was two years and four months old.

The Whitlock house was small, and the lawn overrun with weeds when Esme and I pulled up. I told her that she could wait in the car – we both knew that the Whitlocks could make this very ugly – but Esme gave me a look that said it all. She'd been by my side through everything else and she was there for me now; she was there for Jasper and she always would be.

Hand in hand, we went through the door.

We ignored the angry glares and snips at our character as Nettie grudgingly led us to a back room. The house was small and dirty. My son, I had learned, slept in the same room with Nettie and her four year old daughter Rosalie. The room was tiny with very few toys lying about.

The first I saw of my boy was his back. He and Rosalie were curled on the bed together. Rosalie had her arm around him, her posture distinctly protective.

My son had hair exactly the same shade as mine – honey blond. Though I'd been fighting for him for days, the knowledge that he actually existed hit me with the strength of a wrecking ball to the chest. I suddenly couldn't breathe. It was more than I could comprehend at that moment.

I went to the bed and knelt there before I even realized I was moving. Something akin to panic washed over me…but not the kind that made me want to run. It was the kind of panic when you'd been thrown into something that was far too big to comprehend all at once.

I reached out to touch him and my fingers were shaking. Esme came to stand behind me, her hands on my shoulders. When I ran my fingers through his longish hair, Jasper almost instantly stirred. He rolled over, his eyes opening and blinking sleepily.

Blue eyes with Maria's grey-ish tint. My lips. My father's nose.

I gasped, realizing belatedly that I wasn't breathing as my son looked back at me with curiosity.

We only got that handful of seconds of peace before Nettie interrupted. It wasn't how I would have chosen to introduce myself to my son, but Nettie was angry and hurt. She brushed us aside and plucked Jasper out of Rosalie's arm's, telling him abruptly that he was going away with these complete strangers.

Things got chaotic. Rosalie woke and started yelling at us for taking away her little cousin. Nettie was yelling and snipping at us. Jasper's grandparents were leaning in the doorway and glaring. Jasper was so confused. He stood in the center of all the noise with two fingers in his mouth, crying huge, I-don't-understand sobs as I tried to get Nettie to calm down. I tried to assure her that she could see Jasper whenever she chose, and I had no intention of cutting his maternal family out of his life, but Nettie would hear none of it.

For reasons I didn't understand, Jasper's maternal family gave him up entirely after Esme and I took him home. Not even his mother tried to contact him in all that time, from the day we left to the day he went looking for them.

I went to see Maria a couple of years later. She was still in prison, of course. I had to see her for so many reasons. I needed to tell her how sorry I was, and I needed her to know that I would have helped her if I had been given the chance. It was part of my recovery to atone for my wrong-doing, and I had wronged her terribly.

She was a lot calmer than the girl I remembered. She had aged far beyond her years. She told me that giving her son the life he deserved was all the amends she could ever ask for. She told me that, as much as she didn't want to admit, giving him a mother that could care for him in all the ways that she never could was exactly what she what she wanted for him. She told me she was sorry about her sister and her parents. I had been stronger than she ever could be and I had gotten well. They still hadn't. She wanted Jasper far away from the life she'd had.

By the time I saw Maria again, Jasper and I had as good a relationship as a man could have with his five year old son. But, in the beginning, it hadn't always been that way.

Jasper spent a lot of the first forty-eight hours with us crying. He was a little better with Esme, which I understood because he'd lived with his mother and aunt all his life. With me, at first, he was frightened.

As he gradually got over his fear he was still pensive and quiet. I don't think he trusted me, but then, one thing I learned about my son was that he was very intuitive about the emotions around him. With Esme he grinned and smiled because her mood with him was nothing but happiness. She was a born mother.

But I didn't trust myself to be a good father – so how could he possibly feel comfortable with me?

My own father, though I knew now that he loved me, had not been the best example in child rearing. In retrospect, I couldn't blame him. He hadn't expected to have to raise a child on his own. He had been ill equipped.

Of course, he hadn't been a recovering alcoholic. I didn't have the first clue how to be a father, let alone how to deal with all the fears I had. How could I teach him not to go down the road I had gone down? How could I, only a little less than three years past being a fall down drunk, be the father he deserved?

Esme kept telling me I was over thinking things. I couldn't be doing everything wrong. Jasper, who had only spoken a few words the day we met him, was learning fast. His mental growth had obviously been stunted in his life with his maternal family. After a few months with us he was speaking in complete, if a little bewildering, sentences.

Still, as much as I would have liked to concentrate on only him until we'd sorted ourselves out, life had other plans for us.

Jasper had only been with us for about three months when we learned Esme was pregnant. I was in the midst of my residency – a busy, tiring time in and of itself. I had a child who was still a stranger to me, and I to him, and now a baby on the way.

Overwhelmed was becoming my default emotion.

When Edward was born, though, it was another one of those moments when you understood that every ounce of pain and uncertainty you'd ever suffered was worth it. I remember sitting on the hospital bed beside Esme. My arm was around her and Edward was cradled in her arms. Jasper was on my lap, leaning over the baby with curiosity and a big-brother grin on his face.

But, even then, I still felt out of my depth.

Edward was a fussy baby - completely the opposite of Jasper's quiet nature. He and I spent many a sleepless night pacing the floors.

On one such night I was so tired. Edward would not stop crying, and I was almost to the point of tears myself. I was frustrated and exhausted as I slumped on the sofa.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a little blond head coming toward us. Though Esme and I had put Jasper to bed hours ago, he was up. Part of me was exasperated, wondering what he wanted. My patience was wearing very thin.

But, Jasper didn't ask for anything. Instead, he ambled up and pulled himself onto the sofa with us.

I watched, wondering if I should tell him not to climb on the sofa like that or not to bother the baby. Jasper paid me no mind, almost as if I wasn't there at all. He leaned over me and patted Edward's little cheeks with his chubby hand. "Don't cry, baby," he said softly. He yawned and sat by my side, settling with his head against my stomach as he continued to pat Edward's legs sleepily. "Daddy's here. He'll make it better."

Edward stopped crying. I started.

That was one of my favorite pictures. Esme took it while we were all three sleeping; my newborn son safe on my chest with my right hand splayed protectively over his tiny back, my three year old curled against my left side with my arm around his shoulder.

Of course, I always tried to do right by the trust and faith my sons put in me. Esme and I both knew we hadn't always made the right choices. Perhaps I should have taken the time to assure Edward that I was proud of him and his brother equally. I only recognized in hindsight the reason he pushed himself so hard at everything he did. He was, unconsciously, competing with Jasper. Hindsight also revealed that I hadn't divided my attention between them as equally as I had believed.

I think, though, that we did as well as any parents could have. Endless AA meetings had drilled into me that there were always going to be circumstances out of out control.

There were the times when I was absolutely helpless.

Every second of the trip from Forks to the hospital in Seattle where Jasper lay dying was firmly etched into my memory. I remembered the sounds of Esme's sobs and the way Edward had looked in the backseat – uncharacteristically frightened with his head in his hands. I was trying to keep it together for them. I managed to do okay until we got to the hospital and found out the long, long list of things wrong.

I was a skilled surgeon and I wouldn't have given Jasper good odds. Edward and Esme looked at me, wanting me to tell them it was all going to be alright, but I couldn't. That broke me.

He survived though. He was strong – stronger than I could have been. He survived and he left us.

And there, again, I questioned our decisions as parents. It wasn't as if we parted on bad terms. Jasper was simply a little lost. I can't help but wonder if we would have gotten him back sooner if we'd reached out to him. I'd raised my children to be independent and to know that I supported them in their choices in life. I thought that meant that I had to wait for Jasper to come back to us. Now, I think he just didn't know how to come back after finding out about the part of him he'd been missing all of his life.

Then there was the whole debacle over Bella.

That poor girl – caught in the middle of two good men through none of her own design. When I prayed for my sons, I prayed for her, because I knew she had to be suffering right along with them.

I had the knowledge they didn't, the one thing that I couldn't teach because it was something that can only be learned through experience. It was often the pain in life that made the payoff so sweet; going through profound hardship was what made the happily ever after so good. All I could do was hope they kept their heads above the water.

They both persevered.

They were better for the journeys they'd made.

With Bella, Edward absolutely came alive. All of his life he'd seemed uncertain – unable to truly fit in anywhere or know what to want. With her, all of that doubt disappeared. He was sure of himself and the choices they made together. He smiled so much more often, having found a calmthat Esme and I hadn't been able to give him.

With Alice, Jasper found a partner he could constantly reinvent himself with. They were always exploring, always learning, and opening themselves up to new possibilities. It was nice seeing Jasper so at peace with his identity.

When Jasper, at Edward and Bella's wedding, started out his best man's speech with the words, "Dad was right – every moment of trouble and heartbreak is worth moments likes this," I finally knew that I had done right by my boys.

I was struck by the truth of his words, my words, at that moment.

Without falling, however accidentally, into the clutches of alcoholism, Jasper never would have been created. Without the horrible, agonizing, completely undignified journey that was recovering from addiction, I never would have found Esme or had Edward.

When it comes with that kind of joy, you simply could not regret the journey that brought you there, no matter how difficult.

All any of us could do was the best with what we had at the moment.

**A/N: Want to thank josieswan for beta work this outtake and the last. Again, thanks for coming along on this journey with me. **

**My lovely tellingmelies wants an EPOV outtake of the proposal and the wedding. I can deny her nothing. Unfortunately, I'm drawing a blank for the moment… so no promises but that may appear here one day. Until then, I love y'all and I mark this particular story complete. **


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